Can’t get husband to help with Easter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are not religious. We have never been to church in 17 years of marriage.

Been asking husband for two weeks to get candy to fill the eggs for egg hunt for kids. (I got the basket stuff weeks ago.) Waited until 7pm and brought home Pay Days and Hersheys with almonds. As if kids want those. Nothing Easter themed.

I ran back to store. He was mad I ran back. Said it is stupid to egg hunt because Easter isn’t about bunny’s.

I said if you want it to have more meaning then you can talk to the kids about that or take them to church anytime. I don’t care either way. - I’m happy to celebrate spring with an egg hunt for tradition sake.

He refuses to do anything. Even to do it his way.

It just sucks. Our kids are so excited. Been talking all week about it. He is just pouting. At a minimum it is a fun game for the kids. He can’t even enjoy that.

I also asked him to get a gift card for our older child who is a teen. Didn’t even do that. So I’ve got nothing for the teen.

This issue is much, much bigger than Easter baskets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand. YOU want to do a totally optional egg hunt. Why does he have to do the shopping for it? This is your project, right?

Maybe OP wants to do it for her kids. Maybe her kids really want to do it. I don't think it's fair for OP to expect her husband to care about this, but I do think it's fair to expect him to participate.

However, I did the entirety of our kids' Easter baskets this year from start to finish. I like doing, my husband doesn't care, and we have all girls, so I'm better able to come up with ideas. I could, of course, have said to him that I want him to participate, in which case he would have, but I didn't mind doing it alone. I can't tell if OP is asking for participation because she's busy and truly can't do it all (which I get, I work full-time and have time-consuming hobbies), or if she's just made on principle that he wouldn't do it. Those are two different problems.

How over the top are these Easter baskets? My husband helps but the problem then becomes trying to balance the baskets because now one kid has more than the others. So his help sometimes creates more work. Easter baskets shouldn't be that involved that they require 2 adults.

I don't think they were over the top and I agree with you that I didn't need my husband's involvement to get them done, although I did get stuff from multiple places because I try to shop locally so I could have given him a task or two if I wanted to divide it up. If I had been putting candy in eggs (which I didn't, because our kids are in middle school and the egg hunt days are in the past now), I would have just ordered some with the groceries. So I think OP made a bigger deal out of this than necessary and I also think she shouldn't have pushed the issue the way she did after his first response to the idea. I don't think ultimately the Easter baskets are the problem though, I think they're just a symptom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re not religious, you have nothing to grouse about. Your husband rightly sees it as just another Sunday. If you want to do stuff, do stuff.

If something optional/extraneous is not important to my husband, of course I don’t expect him to do something about it, and vice versa. Of course that doesn’t go for doing taxes, household chores, taking care of children, but if he’s not into play-acting a religious holiday he doesn’t celebrate, of course I wouldn’t expect him to do anything.

Your expectations are 100% off, OP.

If something optional/extraneous is not important to my husband, of course I don't expect him to CARE ABOUT IT, but I may still expect him to do something to help with it. I don't mind being the driver behind things that I want to do that aren't needed (end-of-school/beginning-of-summer baskets for our kids, for example - those are not important and I do that because I want to and I don't expect him to do anything about it). But certain things like Christmas presents are technically optional/extraneous and I still expect my husband to participate in that. I don't expect him to care - you can't tell someone to change their feelings on something - but I do expect him to do something about it. Where you draw the line is up to you, but if you recall the threads about a kid needing a red sweater for a school holiday performance, some people think that's a need (because they were told their kid had to have it) and others think it's ridiculous and therefore optional. Stuff like that you may both not want to do but parenting is an awful lot of things you don't want to do. On those things, I don't think it's fair for a spouse to say it's not important to them so they're out. Easter baskets/egg hunts are pretty basic things for kids in UMC America (I can't speak for others because that's how I grew up and how I'm raising my kids). Whether or not people are religious, they still do these for their kids, so I think allowing one spouse to just say I think it's dumb so I won't participate is pretty crappy.

Everybody doesn't have to care about everything equally. Specialization can work too. Everyone has different strengths. Maybe OP can tell us what her husband cares about that she doesn't.

That's literally what I said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re not religious, you have nothing to grouse about. Your husband rightly sees it as just another Sunday. If you want to do stuff, do stuff.

If something optional/extraneous is not important to my husband, of course I don’t expect him to do something about it, and vice versa. Of course that doesn’t go for doing taxes, household chores, taking care of children, but if he’s not into play-acting a religious holiday he doesn’t celebrate, of course I wouldn’t expect him to do anything.

Your expectations are 100% off, OP.

If something optional/extraneous is not important to my husband, of course I don't expect him to CARE ABOUT IT, but I may still expect him to do something to help with it. I don't mind being the driver behind things that I want to do that aren't needed (end-of-school/beginning-of-summer baskets for our kids, for example - those are not important and I do that because I want to and I don't expect him to do anything about it). But certain things like Christmas presents are technically optional/extraneous and I still expect my husband to participate in that. I don't expect him to care - you can't tell someone to change their feelings on something - but I do expect him to do something about it. Where you draw the line is up to you, but if you recall the threads about a kid needing a red sweater for a school holiday performance, some people think that's a need (because they were told their kid had to have it) and others think it's ridiculous and therefore optional. Stuff like that you may both not want to do but parenting is an awful lot of things you don't want to do. On those things, I don't think it's fair for a spouse to say it's not important to them so they're out. Easter baskets/egg hunts are pretty basic things for kids in UMC America (I can't speak for others because that's how I grew up and how I'm raising my kids). Whether or not people are religious, they still do these for their kids, so I think allowing one spouse to just say I think it's dumb so I won't participate is pretty crappy.

LOL, nope. Not if it’s celebrating a religious holiday when you are not a part of that religion.

All of a sudden, if my husband told me we were going to make a big, effort-filled expensive Dwali celebration, I’d tell him to go for it and have fun but I’m not doing that.

First of all, OP's Easter stuff doesn't sound like a big, effort-filled expensive undertaking. Second of all, she said her kids were really excited about it and that's why she was doing it.

Also, if my husband got an idea to do some sort of a celebrating I'd be supportive, but you do it your way. I'm sure he'll appreciate it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re not religious, you have nothing to grouse about. Your husband rightly sees it as just another Sunday. If you want to do stuff, do stuff.

If something optional/extraneous is not important to my husband, of course I don’t expect him to do something about it, and vice versa. Of course that doesn’t go for doing taxes, household chores, taking care of children, but if he’s not into play-acting a religious holiday he doesn’t celebrate, of course I wouldn’t expect him to do anything.

Your expectations are 100% off, OP.

If something optional/extraneous is not important to my husband, of course I don't expect him to CARE ABOUT IT, but I may still expect him to do something to help with it. I don't mind being the driver behind things that I want to do that aren't needed (end-of-school/beginning-of-summer baskets for our kids, for example - those are not important and I do that because I want to and I don't expect him to do anything about it). But certain things like Christmas presents are technically optional/extraneous and I still expect my husband to participate in that. I don't expect him to care - you can't tell someone to change their feelings on something - but I do expect him to do something about it. Where you draw the line is up to you, but if you recall the threads about a kid needing a red sweater for a school holiday performance, some people think that's a need (because they were told their kid had to have it) and others think it's ridiculous and therefore optional. Stuff like that you may both not want to do but parenting is an awful lot of things you don't want to do. On those things, I don't think it's fair for a spouse to say it's not important to them so they're out. Easter baskets/egg hunts are pretty basic things for kids in UMC America (I can't speak for others because that's how I grew up and how I'm raising my kids). Whether or not people are religious, they still do these for their kids, so I think allowing one spouse to just say I think it's dumb so I won't participate is pretty crappy.

LOL, nope. Not if it’s celebrating a religious holiday when you are not a part of that religion.

All of a sudden, if my husband told me we were going to make a big, effort-filled expensive Dwali celebration, I’d tell him to go for it and have fun but I’m not doing that.

Dumb comparison. Secular Easter celebrations, like secular Christmas celebrations are established annual rituals for a large percentage of American families. Nothing like deciding out of the blue to celebrate a new holiday that has nothing to do with family traditions.

They really aren’t though.

Not prior poster, but what the hell do you even mean?

PP said large percentage of Americans celebrate secular Easter. It is not true a that large percentage of Americans celebrate Easter as a purely secular holiday as OP wishes to do.

...it really is, though. Everyone I know who is a secular "Christian" (as in, not specifically of another religion, and whose relatives and/or ancestors are/ were Christian) does Easter baskets. Only about 20% of people I know who fit under the "Christian" umbrella attend church on Easter. And since Easter really is the Big Show in terms of importance in Christianity... I can only assume those people are not religious at all. But they still do Easter baskets and Easter brunch. It's incredibly common. Just like celebrating Christmas with a tree and gifts as a secular Christian without attending church.

Another person who refuses to look out from their own little world view. Let me guess - you’ve never actually looked up the stats but decided your own experience is sufficient to tell you about how Americans spend Easter?

DP. Google says 13% of Americans celebrate a purely secular Easter, while another 19% celebrate both religious and secular Easter traditions. So we have about 1/3 of Americans presumably doing something similar to OP with baskets and eggs. That is indeed a large percentage, not that this pedantic argument has anything to do with OP’s failure to plan or her DH’s inability to follow through competently on what seems to have been a tradition for their family since their teen was young. The fact that other families view Easter as an important religious holiday has absolutely nothing to do with OP’s situation, regardless of the percentages involved.

What was the religious part of OP’s day? She’s in the 13%.

Religion is utterly unimportant to this question. Again, the percentages are beside the point, but she is in the 32% of people (or much higher percent if she lives in a neighborhood of the sort most DCUM posters come from) who have been giving their kids Easter baskets and arranging egg hunts since they were born. Family traditions are important to kids, and both OP and her DH screwed this one up.

[Anonymous]

I’m on team DH on this one. The kids are only excited about it because OP is excited about it. If OP wanted to celebrate so badly, she should have been the one to put it together. Also OP, why didn’t you just buy the chocolate when you bought the baskets? It would have saved you and DH another trip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate the patriarchy and it drives me crazy that all things holiday related are on me.

But I also wouldn’t want to F my husband if he was out there buying IG worthy baskets and filling them with special candy.

You should probably unpack your trauma in therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t see the issue. You aren’t religious and all this could have been ordered online. Who goes to stores anymore?

Oh stop it with the religious stuff. You realize that many major Christian holidays are pegged to pagan holidays? And that the bunny is a symbol of fertility and spring?

Let people have their Easter egg hunts and baskets and stop being so insufferable.

Some of you sure are attached to your adult egg hunts and baskets. No one is preventing you from doing whatever you want. Just like if OP wants, she too should just do it.

NP and exactly this. OP is trying to act like this is as important as actual religious celebrations, or milestones/occasions that both partners actively choose to celebrate. For some, that is Christmas, whether or not they are Christian; for others, it is Super Bowl Sunday; for some, it is Fourth of July.

The point is: both partners have to actually agree that The Thing in question is A Thing worthy of time, effort, money, investment of energy.

Otherwise, if you want to go all out for Easter? Do that, then. But acting like DH must participate at the level OP dictates when they don’t even practice the religion which is at the center of the holiday is just…asinine, really.

If he wants to make a big deal out of the Super Bowl, would he have the right to dictate that OP help him cook, clean, invite people over, prepare special foods and watch the whole game at the level that he dictates? If any husband were to write that he “can’t get wife to help with Super Bowl,” we’d tear him apart and laugh in his face.

This might blow your mind, but some people care about how their spouses feel. If my husband wanted to throw a Super Bowl party, I would help him do that because it mattered to him, even though I have no desire to watch the game myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:May you find joy in planning Easter for your children. Sometimes, we have to do what needs to be done for the sake of our children, which is easier in the long run than forcing someone to do what they show they are unwilling to do. He "ought" to help, of course. But I would choose to focus on making the magic, and creating happiness. These precious years pass quickly.

No, he “ought” not, if he doesn’t celebrate the religious holiday and has no interest in celebrating the secular one. He “ought” to do his fair share of child care, household chores, and any celebrations that he believes are worthwhile.

He “ought” not participate in Easter any more than my Presbyterian husband “ought” to celebrate Hanukkah or Eid. I have chosen in the past to make latkes because I enjoy eating them and I think it is beneficial for our kids to try food from different cultures and traditions. But that was my choice and I had no expectation that DH would help.

Some of you really, really need to let go of the notion that men “ought” to participate in any make-work just because their wife wants them to.

Again, some more: if a man were on here yapping that his wife showed no interest in celebrating the Super Bowl and helping him clean, cook, throw a party, and watch the whole game, you would be singing a different tune.

What if he finds St. Patrick's day worthwhile even though they're not Irish?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t see the issue. You aren’t religious and all this could have been ordered online. Who goes to stores anymore?

Oh stop it with the religious stuff. You realize that many major Christian holidays are pegged to pagan holidays? And that the bunny is a symbol of fertility and spring?

Let people have their Easter egg hunts and baskets and stop being so insufferable.

Some of you sure are attached to your adult egg hunts and baskets. No one is preventing you from doing whatever you want. Just like if OP wants, she too should just do it.

NP and exactly this. OP is trying to act like this is as important as actual religious celebrations, or milestones/occasions that both partners actively choose to celebrate. For some, that is Christmas, whether or not they are Christian; for others, it is Super Bowl Sunday; for some, it is Fourth of July.

The point is: both partners have to actually agree that The Thing in question is A Thing worthy of time, effort, money, investment of energy.

Otherwise, if you want to go all out for Easter? Do that, then. But acting like DH must participate at the level OP dictates when they don’t even practice the religion which is at the center of the holiday is just…asinine, really.

If he wants to make a big deal out of the Super Bowl, would he have the right to dictate that OP help him cook, clean, invite people over, prepare special foods and watch the whole game at the level that he dictates? If any husband were to write that he “can’t get wife to help with Super Bowl,” we’d tear him apart and laugh in his face.

This might blow your mind, but some people care about how their spouses feel. If my husband wanted to throw a Super Bowl party, I would help him do that because it mattered to him, even though I have no desire to watch the game myself.

I would too. Or I would at least tell him that I wasn’t going to if I wasn’t for some reason. I can’t imagine spending weeks telling him that I would make snacks and do the shopping for it and then just show up with a couple of bags of Fritos the night before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:About to start a S/O titled “Make-Work Women Who Want to Make Life Miserable”

Should be a good one

OP said her kids were excited about it. Why are you putting this all on her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re not religious, you have nothing to grouse about. Your husband rightly sees it as just another Sunday. If you want to do stuff, do stuff.

If something optional/extraneous is not important to my husband, of course I don’t expect him to do something about it, and vice versa. Of course that doesn’t go for doing taxes, household chores, taking care of children, but if he’s not into play-acting a religious holiday he doesn’t celebrate, of course I wouldn’t expect him to do anything.

Your expectations are 100% off, OP.

If something optional/extraneous is not important to my husband, of course I don't expect him to CARE ABOUT IT, but I may still expect him to do something to help with it. I don't mind being the driver behind things that I want to do that aren't needed (end-of-school/beginning-of-summer baskets for our kids, for example - those are not important and I do that because I want to and I don't expect him to do anything about it). But certain things like Christmas presents are technically optional/extraneous and I still expect my husband to participate in that. I don't expect him to care - you can't tell someone to change their feelings on something - but I do expect him to do something about it. Where you draw the line is up to you, but if you recall the threads about a kid needing a red sweater for a school holiday performance, some people think that's a need (because they were told their kid had to have it) and others think it's ridiculous and therefore optional. Stuff like that you may both not want to do but parenting is an awful lot of things you don't want to do. On those things, I don't think it's fair for a spouse to say it's not important to them so they're out. Easter baskets/egg hunts are pretty basic things for kids in UMC America (I can't speak for others because that's how I grew up and how I'm raising my kids). Whether or not people are religious, they still do these for their kids, so I think allowing one spouse to just say I think it's dumb so I won't participate is pretty crappy.

Everybody doesn't have to care about everything equally. Specialization can work too. Everyone has different strengths. Maybe OP can tell us what her husband cares about that she doesn't.

That's literally what I said.

No, you want him to do the work anyway. This is not a good use of anyone's time. You do the things you care about and let him focus on the things he cares about. If your marriage is so lopsided because you have a husband who cares about nothing then that's not a problem anyone can fix for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:About to start a S/O titled “Make-Work Women Who Want to Make Life Miserable”

Should be a good one

OP said her kids were excited about it. Why are you putting this all on her?

Her kids are excited about gifts the parents are going to just hand to them? Well, of course they are excited about unearned freebies. They don't even celebrate the holiday for its real meaning. The husband is on to this but OP wants to put on a show. Maybe it even makes him uncomfortable but OP just plows ahead, ignoring his feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m on team DH on this one. The kids are only excited about it because OP is excited about it. If OP wanted to celebrate so badly, she should have been the one to put it together. Also OP, why didn’t you just buy the chocolate when you bought the baskets? It would have saved you and DH another trip.

I’m still waiting to hear what the DH is excited about to do for the kids and takes the lead on it.

Otherwise he sounds like a deadweight tag along ManChild. Who should NOT have had kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wonder how many Jewish men dropped the ball on Passover this week?

Not really apples to oranges. Traditionally making a Seder and just about everything else with at home observance is the woman’s sphere as a religious matter. And Passover isn’t a one day thing, it involves days of not weeks of cleaning and special preparations. I’m sure one could manage to half-ass it, but if you’re already agreed as a family that you will do it, you kind of have to agree on the extent to make it work.

And then leading it is the man’s job usually. So for a husband to be on board with all the prep and religious aspects then flake on leading would be comparable to what OP is saying I guess, but it would be pretty big deal, not just “oh my husband didn’t help get some candy.” He’d be abdicating his religiously prescribed role altogether, and if that is so, seems odd he’d have been on board with doing Passover in the first place. I guess it must happen sometimes.