Sibling Estrangement

[Anonymous]

Can’t do that at work. Just blame someone else for your own behaviors. Just fired a guy who hemmed and hawed his way out of a senior job at age 46.
Helped that HR had 20 pages of examples of him not doing what he was supposed to be doing.
He never saw that, but given the opportunity to speak on the themes, he tried to blame the new senior hire in an entirely different function!

[Anonymous]

When a family member fades out and goes no contact, it's speaking a very loud truth to the family member(s). Nobody does this on a whim, nobody wakes up and wedges going no contact with family between a grocery run and a manicure. It is a very long, deliberative process over many years (decades, even) where the family member(s) are offering many chances to change their behavior, admit past wrongdoings, and become better, kinder people. But they do not, they continue in the same, old patterns that become intolerable. The person who goes no contact was treated badly for decades and when she complained about this treatment was told to be the bigger person. But there comes a day when you stop trying to be the bigger person and it's better for you to move on and go no contact. There isn't an explanation as to why forthcoming because the family member going no contact knows these family members will never change. Any explanation is wasted breath.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When a family member fades out and goes no contact, it's speaking a very loud truth to the family member(s). Nobody does this on a whim, nobody wakes up and wedges going no contact with family between a grocery run and a manicure. It is a very long, deliberative process over many years (decades, even) where the family member(s) are offering many chances to change their behavior, admit past wrongdoings, and become better, kinder people. But they do not, they continue in the same, old patterns that become intolerable. The person who goes no contact was treated badly for decades and when she complained about this treatment was told to be the bigger person. But there comes a day when you stop trying to be the bigger person and it's better for you to move on and go no contact. There isn't an explanation as to why forthcoming because the family member going no contact knows these family members will never change. Any explanation is wasted breath.

Very well put. This is almost always how it goes.

[Anonymous]

^^^ meaning OP likely had many many chances to change and do better but ignored the pleas from her "younger female sibling". Too late now.

[Anonymous]

Usually these conflicts are not a one off incident, it’s a lifelong pattern and your siblings doesn’t want to interact with you because of your pattern of behavior. Consider the big picture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Younger female sibling went no contact about four years ago. Have never gotten a straight answer as to why. Relationship was fine up to that point with shared holidays and frequent contact. This happen to anyone else? Ever get an answer to why or reconnect? Seems like time is not a friend in these sorts of situations.

I doubt that you don't know why she chose to leave, you very well know why, but it's easier emotionally to just say "I don't know".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Younger female sibling went no contact about four years ago. Have never gotten a straight answer as to why. Relationship was fine up to that point with shared holidays and frequent contact. This happen to anyone else? Ever get an answer to why or reconnect? Seems like time is not a friend in these sorts of situations.

I doubt that you don't know why she chose to leave, you very well know why, but it's easier emotionally to just say "I don't know".

+1 million. They know. They always know. It may not be 100% their fault (e.g., parent favoritism) but beleive me, they know, they are just in denial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When a family member fades out and goes no contact, it's speaking a very loud truth to the family member(s). Nobody does this on a whim, nobody wakes up and wedges going no contact with family between a grocery run and a manicure. It is a very long, deliberative process over many years (decades, even) where the family member(s) are offering many chances to change their behavior, admit past wrongdoings, and become better, kinder people. But they do not, they continue in the same, old patterns that become intolerable. The person who goes no contact was treated badly for decades and when she complained about this treatment was told to be the bigger person. But there comes a day when you stop trying to be the bigger person and it's better for you to move on and go no contact. There isn't an explanation as to why forthcoming because the family member going no contact knows these family members will never change. Any explanation is wasted breath.

And the other large cluster of family members who “fade out” are mentally ill and their family see right through them and cease to enable them. Then they self-estrange and find new people to blame.

So 50/50.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When a family member fades out and goes no contact, it's speaking a very loud truth to the family member(s). Nobody does this on a whim, nobody wakes up and wedges going no contact with family between a grocery run and a manicure. It is a very long, deliberative process over many years (decades, even) where the family member(s) are offering many chances to change their behavior, admit past wrongdoings, and become better, kinder people. But they do not, they continue in the same, old patterns that become intolerable. The person who goes no contact was treated badly for decades and when she complained about this treatment was told to be the bigger person. But there comes a day when you stop trying to be the bigger person and it's better for you to move on and go no contact. There isn't an explanation as to why forthcoming because the family member going no contact knows these family members will never change. Any explanation is wasted breath.

And the other large cluster of family members who “fade out” are mentally ill and their family see right through them and cease to enable them. Then they self-estrange and find new people to blame.

So 50/50.

That's not what the research says, so no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Usually these conflicts are not a one off incident, it’s a lifelong pattern and your siblings doesn’t want to interact with you because of your pattern of behavior. Consider the big picture.

Autistic people estrange themselves all the time under the guise that no one understands them and everyone dislikes them.

Self perception and re-writing narratives is everything to some people who deflect from responsibility and accountability.

They also never look back. They’re too self centered to wonder what happened or why or whatever. Everything is black and white; they are always correct; everyone else is crazy.

[Anonymous]

Maladaptive copes like that are very real to the mentally disordered. No use trying to talk or reason eith them.

[Anonymous]

I love it when narcissists self-estrange to find new fuel. Good riddance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went zero contact with one sibling. Best choice ever. Year three.

Leave it be.

Did you ever discuss the behavior that caused you to go zero contact? Did you act like all was fine, then boom, cut them off? If so, that is extremely immature and borders on instability. However, if you let the sibling know the behavior wasn't acceptable and they continued to do it, then fine, cut them off.

This rarely happens. The other party is just so self involved they don't notice the other person ISN'T acting all fine.

There a plenty of people who are actually envious/jealous of their friends, siblings and/or even children. It's not appropriate, so when it becomes overwhelming for them, they rather cut off contact than deal with it. It can be anything. Better job, getting married, having kids, having successful kids, getting promoted, having expensive holidays... etc. It may be a combination of things and that one thing set it off.

Not really. You sound like one of the self absorbed people who don't consider others.

You sound like a narcissist in denial.

Wouldn't the narcissist be the one who thinks everyone is obsessed with them and their life? Do you even know what that word means?

You're the one who denies that people may be jealous of others. It's been part of human nature forever. The fact that you're in such denial that jealousy exists is a huge red flag.

Who's saying jealousy doesn't exist? Stop making things up. We're just saying that's not usually the reason people go NC. It's your projection that everyone is jealous of you, not reality.

In all seriousness, how do you know that? What makes you an expert in estrangements?

Not an expert, but do know how to use google. It's been quite documented, especially more recently, and jealousy is never one of the top/common reasons.

DP. Googled. This is what I got:
Yes, jealousy and envy are significant drivers of family estrangement, often stemming from feelings of inadequacy, favoritism, or competition, and they erode trust, create controlling behavior, and cause emotional distance that can lead to severe conflict and separation. These emotions can manifest as resentment over achievements, talents, or partners, leading to controlling actions, lack of support, and deep-seated emotional rifts that push family members apart, sometimes permanently.

[Anonymous]

How jealousy and envy cause estrangement:
Insecurity & Inadequacy: A parent might envy a child's talent or career, or a sibling might feel perpetually "not enough," leading to resentment.
Control & Abuse: Jealousy can fuel controlling behaviors, rage, or even abuse, especially when one person feels another receives undeserved attention or success.
Erosion of Trust: It destroys trust and communication, making genuine connection impossible as one person feels threatened or minimized.
Parental Favoritism: When parents favor one child, it breeds jealousy and deep-seated resentment in the less-favored sibling, damaging sibling bonds.
Narcissism: Envy often ties into narcissistic traits, where a person cannot admit fault and minimizes others' successes to maintain their own fragile self-esteem, pushing others away.
Common triggers in families:
Parent-Child Dynamics: A parent's envy of a child's achievements or freedom, or a child's jealousy over parental attention to a new partner.
Sibling Rivalry: Intense competition, perceived unfairness, or one sibling feeling their successes are dismissed by another.
Ultimately, jealousy and envy are destructive emotions that, when left unaddressed, breed conflict, mistrust, and a sense of injustice, often leading to estrangement as individuals distance themselves from the pain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When a family member fades out and goes no contact, it's speaking a very loud truth to the family member(s). Nobody does this on a whim, nobody wakes up and wedges going no contact with family between a grocery run and a manicure. It is a very long, deliberative process over many years (decades, even) where the family member(s) are offering many chances to change their behavior, admit past wrongdoings, and become better, kinder people. But they do not, they continue in the same, old patterns that become intolerable. The person who goes no contact was treated badly for decades and when she complained about this treatment was told to be the bigger person. But there comes a day when you stop trying to be the bigger person and it's better for you to move on and go no contact. There isn't an explanation as to why forthcoming because the family member going no contact knows these family members will never change. Any explanation is wasted breath.

Disagree with the part where multiple chances are offered to change. In the sibling estrangement in my family, nothing was ever talked about or warned to the other sibling about their behavior. Siblings were fairly close for almost two decades in adulthood, then all of a sudden one sibling decided to blame the other for all their mental health issues and inability to function as an adult. Said it stemmed from sibling bullying in childhood/teen years. I have no clue what really went on between these two siblings back then, but there certainly was no warning about it happening and no specific examples cited or opportunity for the accused sibling to even admit they did anything or be willing to change. It was just a letter they no longer wanted to be in contact bc of childhood bullying. I’m not taking sides on the issue, just saying it can be sprung on someone with really no warning at all.