Women in the family judging wife for being SAHM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a SAHW&M for over 20 years now. We hired everything out--cleaning, cooking, landscape, nanny, night nurse, private school. It's awesome. We fly semi-private to Aspen and Goozer and Cabo. If you can afford to stay at home, do it!!

The only way I'd be willing to stay home is if we could hire everything out like you described. No one, I'm trading my intellectual work for housecleaning, yard work, and cooking every meal. But it sounds like you hit the jackpot!

So does your work allow you to hire out the "housecleaning, yard work and cooking meals"? Because if I'm going to do most of that anyhow, I'd prefer to be with my kids as well and do all that while being a bit relaxed.

Exactly. Children need their family, not daycares.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To me it just seems childlike to depend on someone else for money.

So you think trust funds should only be for minor children? You won’t be accepting whatever your parents leave behind, correct?

I’m not depending on anything my parents leave me. I’ll be financially fine whether they leave me a pile or not. Because I work.

I'm sure you realize many women worked and saved before kids came along and have their own accounts too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"It is really up to the couple to decide this. I have no issues with someone being just a "non working for pay" person in a couple. If it makes the couple happy and everyone is okay with it, why not? You truly don't know what someone is going thru. They might have a hidden illness that makes daily life stressful and being "at home" helps them manage it. As long as the family is not on welfare it is really none of my business."

But you yourself say this is acceptable only because the "kept" person has an illness that prevents them from being able to contribute with money they earn through working. Nobody here seems to be saying that unhealthy people should be expected to pull their own weight. But why is an otherwise healthy and capable adult who has no caregiver needs not contributing? How is this not going to create a caregiver to dependent dynamic in what should be a partnership of two equals?

There are more dimensions to life than a paycheck. Many SAHMs provide more financial value in equivalent unpaid labor costs than they would working. They also may be the factor that is responsible for DH being successful in his career. Not having an equivalent paycheck doesn’t mean they are not equally contributing to the household in different areas.

Personally I have no desire to SAH because it’s not a fit for my personality and I personally don’t want to assume the risk of being 100% financially dependent on my husband. But other people have different priorities. Not recognizing the value and importance of SAHPs harms women and families.

Same. I recognize the value SAHM provide to their family, but I don't want that life for myself. My husband is controlling, manipulative, and more so it'd be suicide to make myself financially vulnerable to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women belong in the home, that’s what you should tell them. While their kids are at daycare or wherever, yours are at home with their mother. This is the real feminism.

I’m so glad society is shifting and now so many more women are proud to be SAHMs (just look at the posters on this thread). I think we will soon see enrollment rates for girls drop at college because what’s the point of an education when staying at home become normalized as a career path, it’s the hardest job in the world after all.

I disagree. College is very important if you want to SAH with your kids for part of your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife is a sahm because it makes the most sense for us financially and it's what she genuinely prefers. But sometimes women in our family make weird comments about it by saying things like "but don't you want to do something?". These women happen to be very progressive and feminist. Anyone else deal w/ this?

Raising a family is doing something and it's difficult. And you can be very progressive and feminist and understand that. It's not required of a parent, but it's a completely legitimate decision.

+1

Shut your family down and don't let it be discussed, beyond "we are happy and it is what works for us". I'm a highly educated (2 BS, 1 MS, 7 years work experience post education) who has been a SAHP for 25+ years. Don't regret a moment of it. Doesn't make me any less of a person. If anything, it takes a lot of strength to give up the salary and power of a great job to take care of your family. It allowed my spouse to do more with their career, without worries of childcare or the Homefront. In return we were over $10M NW by age 38, and UHNW by 48.

You were still mothering and babysitting your kids when they were 25? Were you one of these SAHM who was always SO overwhelmed even though your kids were in school all day?

[Anonymous]

Different strokes for different folks, but it is mind boggling to me that any parent of either gender should have to justify making a decision to spend more time with their children. Children aren’t some household task whose care can be easily outsourced. People make all kinds of arrangements work and what’s best for me might not be what’s best for you, but how is anyone arguing about whether it makes sense for a parent to care for her own kids during the day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unless you believe a woman WITHOUT children should be able to "choose" to not work for pay, your arguments about not working being a new form of feminism are BS.

Uh why not if they can afford it? I’m a little disturbed at the suggestion that anyone is obligated to participate in the workforce.

[Anonymous]

Fine as long as you don’t go asking the dual income earners for money bc you wanted the fantasy of being able to be a one income family with five kids in a house you couldn’t afford

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a feminist, and think that part of being one is accepting that women do what they want without being held back by men.

I grew up with a depressed SAHM. In elementary school my hair was always in a messy ponytail because that's all I could do, I made my own breakfast and lunch, I walked myself to school after locking the front door, and I came home to a note with a list of chores. I wish my mother had worked! If I'd come home to homemade cookies just ONCE I could have ridden that high for years.

And lots of us had the same deal with working moms...

I know, and WISH my mom had worked. At least it would have made sense. Plus I'd have had more freedom - I'd have been able to blast music while I did my chores, wouldn't have had to sit on the floor next to my mother splayed out on the couch or her bed and entertained her, been able to call my friends and do homework over the phone together, etc. Plus we'd have had more money, and my dad would have had less stress.

I'm a working mom, and I loved having a stay-at-home mom. We always had a healthy snack after school, and she ran us all around to sports and supported us in homework, and we had a family dinner together most nights. Plus, we had plenty of money because my dad could focus on his business while she ran the home. My dad would've been more stressed if he were home more often because he doesn't have the patience or disposition to spend a lot of time with young kids.

That said, I work because even though I had an ideal childhood with a mom who was devoted and supportive, I also felt sorry for my mom because she had no autonomy, respect or access to money. I know women who are very happy staying home, and I think the key is having a very supportive working spouse who values the effort of the stay-at-home spouse, and they have complete transparency and shared control over money.

Yes. If you do not have financial control and financial security, being a SAHM can be a risk.

I guess there are people who are in this position, but I don’t feel more vulnerable financially than someone working. I have education and could work if necessary. If my husband wanted a divorce, I would get half of everything. I have my own credit score and credit cards, etc. If my husband lost his job, either of us could work and we have savings because we built our lifestyle on one income. If he dies, we have life insurance. I just don’t spend time worrying about this. Life is full of unknowns and you deal with them.

I think this is generally a good approach, but the idea you can decide tomorrow to get a job after being out of the workforce for ten plus years is just not accurate unless you were a teacher, nurse or similar or you can support your kids by working at Target. I know so many people searching for jobs right now, who have up to date work experience. It’s bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Different strokes for different folks, but it is mind boggling to me that any parent of either gender should have to justify making a decision to spend more time with their children. Children aren’t some household task whose care can be easily outsourced. People make all kinds of arrangements work and what’s best for me might not be what’s best for you, but how is anyone arguing about whether it makes sense for a parent to care for her own kids during the day?

It makes sense to me to have a SAHP before the kids go to school. They would otherwise need full day daycare and it’s such an influential time in development that I can see parents wanting to be the homes home with their kids. But once all the kids are in school, that is when it looks more like one lazy parent at home and one hard working parent.

[Anonymous]

The comments do eventually go away. I got a few when my oldest was born, another round of comments when the youngest went to kinder, and after that people stopped asking. They are 17 and 14 now and I can’t remember the last time I was asked about going back to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fine as long as you don’t go asking the dual income earners for money bc you wanted the fantasy of being able to be a one income family with five kids in a house you couldn’t afford

Ma'am this is a Wendys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a feminist, and think that part of being one is accepting that women do what they want without being held back by men.

I grew up with a depressed SAHM. In elementary school my hair was always in a messy ponytail because that's all I could do, I made my own breakfast and lunch, I walked myself to school after locking the front door, and I came home to a note with a list of chores. I wish my mother had worked! If I'd come home to homemade cookies just ONCE I could have ridden that high for years.

And lots of us had the same deal with working moms...

I know, and WISH my mom had worked. At least it would have made sense. Plus I'd have had more freedom - I'd have been able to blast music while I did my chores, wouldn't have had to sit on the floor next to my mother splayed out on the couch or her bed and entertained her, been able to call my friends and do homework over the phone together, etc. Plus we'd have had more money, and my dad would have had less stress.

I'm a working mom, and I loved having a stay-at-home mom. We always had a healthy snack after school, and she ran us all around to sports and supported us in homework, and we had a family dinner together most nights. Plus, we had plenty of money because my dad could focus on his business while she ran the home. My dad would've been more stressed if he were home more often because he doesn't have the patience or disposition to spend a lot of time with young kids.

That said, I work because even though I had an ideal childhood with a mom who was devoted and supportive, I also felt sorry for my mom because she had no autonomy, respect or access to money. I know women who are very happy staying home, and I think the key is having a very supportive working spouse who values the effort of the stay-at-home spouse, and they have complete transparency and shared control over money.

Yes. If you do not have financial control and financial security, being a SAHM can be a risk.

I guess there are people who are in this position, but I don’t feel more vulnerable financially than someone working. I have education and could work if necessary. If my husband wanted a divorce, I would get half of everything. I have my own credit score and credit cards, etc. If my husband lost his job, either of us could work and we have savings because we built our lifestyle on one income. If he dies, we have life insurance. I just don’t spend time worrying about this. Life is full of unknowns and you deal with them.

I think this is generally a good approach, but the idea you can decide tomorrow to get a job after being out of the workforce for ten plus years is just not accurate unless you were a teacher, nurse or similar or you can support your kids by working at Target. I know so many people searching for jobs right now, who have up to date work experience. It’s bad.

+1

It borders on delusion to think that you "could work if necessary," like well-paying jobs with benefits grow on trees. Very few jobs are in such demand that they're easy to get and rarely do those pay enough to support a family. I also know many people job hunting right now who, until a few months ago, were gainfully employed and damn good at their jobs.

[Anonymous]

Parents (of both genders) need to have thick skin. That being said, OP, this is your family so please stand up for your spouse and defend her. They might just be concerned because they might know of women who really ended up in a bad place for various reasons if something happened to their spouse or the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fine as long as you don’t go asking the dual income earners for money bc you wanted the fantasy of being able to be a one income family with five kids in a house you couldn’t afford

Or, what if something happens to you? What will she do?