Invitations haven't been sent yet

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Just say to your sister or niece or the aunt/uncle who are hosting the wedding again: what is the wedding date? Simple easy. If they don’t tell you and you therefore can’t get tickets and tickets wind up being too expensive if you wait til closer to get them then just…don’t go.

There is a date, I have it. I don't particularly want to involve my Aunt / Uncle in the drama because they already have low opinions of my sibling. In fact I have explicit instructions that when they die (they are childless) I am not to allow my sibling to attempt to pilfer their estate and to allow other family members to pick items of value that they want first.

If you know the date why are you asking your sister about the date?

Is it not reasonable if you hear a rumor from other family members to ask a sibling to confirm before booking plane tickets?

What rumor? You didn’t say anything about hearing a rumor.

The rumor is the entire wedding. My sibling didn't tell me or anyone about it. Supposedly the date is set but will not confirm when asked directly about it, so it's still a rumor.

So your crazy a@@ is upset about not having a firm date for a rumor?

[Anonymous]

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You're way out of line, OP. If they're not ready to confirm a date, it means you might be out thousands if the date changes, unless you purchase a refundable/movable ticket.

Also, a wedding is a complex event to organize. Your niece has a million things to think about, and as a general rule, brides aren't thinking of one aunt's financial situation and how many times she's flown to visit. If she thinks of you at all, it's perhaps in the opposite way - that you seem so wealthy that travel for you will pose no problem. How is she supposed to read your mind? How is your sister supposed to read your mind? How can anyone accommodate you if you don't explain?

I said that exactly, hey looking to see if the dates are solid because the flight prices are good.

No. You did not explain that you've been tightening your belt and making sacrifices to visit them regularly for years, and that buying tickets to this wedding closer to the date would be a financial burden. Because this is how you've described it to us: that it's a long-festering resentment that your family has not reciprocated your attentions for a long while, and you feel as if you're always the one spending the money and making the effort, so now it's the last straw.

And I'll guess why. It's because it's not a real financial burden, you just like to bean count.
If you have a fit now, you'll be seen as the aunt who likes to draw attention to herself when it's the bride's time to shine.

Nope, I don't engage in drama. I just replied "understood" and won't be asking again.

They didn't come to my wedding so, yeah, tells you a lot about our lopsided relationship.

This is a YOU problem. You go places and spend money you don’t want to or don’t have. Who is forcing you to visit more than you want to. Maybe you are at a point at which you are comfortable playing victim.
Maybe you like making her the bad guy b cause it relieves you of the pressure and discomfort actually speaking up.
If the relationship is so lopsided, you played a part in it. So open your not so crooked mouth and say something.
Otherwise, you cannot make someone confirm a date that has yet to be confirmed.

I go to visit my parents. They happen to be in the same general area so I see them too. I've tried over the years and always get rebuffed like this. I'm a much, much younger sibling so there has always been a weird power imbalance in our relationship. They are old enough to be my parent and I'm closer in age to my niece that's getting married than my sibling.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Just say to your sister or niece or the aunt/uncle who are hosting the wedding again: what is the wedding date? Simple easy. If they don’t tell you and you therefore can’t get tickets and tickets wind up being too expensive if you wait til closer to get them then just…don’t go.

There is a date, I have it. I don't particularly want to involve my Aunt / Uncle in the drama because they already have low opinions of my sibling. In fact I have explicit instructions that when they die (they are childless) I am not to allow my sibling to attempt to pilfer their estate and to allow other family members to pick items of value that they want first.

A) if you know the date why are you asking.
B) How is asking for a wedding date involving them in “drama?” And obviously I don’t think the aunt/uncle would mind you asking for the date of an event they’re hosting…they may dislike your sister but they obviously don’t dislike your niece or you so what’s the problem?

My Aunt and Ubcle aren't stupid. If both me and my parents ask them about it they are going to wonder why my sibling hasn't confirmed this to us. Then I have to explain that my sibling is not willing to confirm for whatever reason. But, also, if there is a reason behind the evasiveness I don't want my Aunt / Uncle to think something might be up with my niece's relationship.

Hmmmok. Your original post made it seem like your sister was the one who is weird but it’s clearly all of you.

Hahahahahahahaha!!!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Why aren’t they doing save the dates? That is the whole point of this so people can arrange travel if they’re planning on attending. Invites go out like 6-8 weeks beforehand which is really short notice for cross country travel.

Personally I don’t see the big deal in OP asking. Sister could have said there’s no firm date yet if that was the case, which would have answered OP’s question. And if there is a date set then why is it being treated like a state secret, especially for a family member.

People on this board just love to trash the OP. If sister had posted and said “my sister texted me wanting to confirm my DD’s wedding date in order to book cross country flights and I decided not to tell her whether the date was set” people would be ragging on her. Like why can’t you just say yes or no about a date. It takes 2 seconds.

I wonder if something is going on behind the scenes like the wedding may not happen or us on shaky grounds …

OP said they are the only out of town guests I think. If she wants to know she needs to just pick up the phone and ask, none of this text business.

Are you serious? A phone call would be way more intrusive and inconvenient. A text takes 2 seconds to reply to. No one under the age of 60 should be picking up the phone and calling to ask this stuff without warning. I am 40 and basically never answer my phone unless someone texts first.

Well, now you see why text isn't always best. OP said her sister won't give her daughter a dime so it's very likely there are some money fights going on about who is paying. If OP's sister isn't paying I bet OP can assume she won't be invited then because the niece will probably keep it small and nix family she's not even close to, like OP.

I'm the only family. There is no one else. Its not that they didn't just not see me over the years they saw no one, ever.

So you're not close. Don't count on being invited.

My parents confirmed they asked for my address, but whi knows. Even my parents had no idea what to make of the text except that it's very on brand for my sibling and not at all out of character to be super evasive about everything. It's just frustrating because, again, I'm probably the only person flying my family across the country.

How much time have you wasted over this text? Talking to people here, your parents, and god know who else. All because you can't actually call your sister. People can't communicate anymore.

I was on the phone with my parents trying to coordinate logistics with them when the text came in. So it's not like these two things were separate. Of course it stopped our logistics in it's tracks.

Logistics for what?

My Aunt & Uncle live in the middle of nowhere - were talking drive 1 hour, wait for a ferry, on the ferry for 1 hour, then 3 hour drive. And that's after getting off of a 5+ hour flight.

But I figured out if we meet at the airport, we can drive together and it's a 2 hour drive, no ferry. So I was figuring out with them how we would handle it.

You're planning all this for a wedding you haven't even been invited to yet? Maybe slow your roll.

I mean, it's going to be hard for my family to be there. But I'm going to try my best. It's my niece. I only have 3 and may never have any other in my life. Despite how my sibling treats me, I do value them even if it isnt returned woth respect.

You need to mentally prepare yourself for the possibility that you aren't going to be invited to this wedding.

That's fine, it's at least a 10 hour ordeal to get to the wedding site. My oldest has to miss sports camp that punished him all season last year for missing some days of summer practice. 20 hours of travel for 4 days. I'm ok with not being invited, but I know that's not the case. So I'll have to deal with it or maybe the flights will be so astronomical by the time I get an invite it just won't be possible. Maybe that's a blessing.

OMG more victim drama. OP, you need professional help. The wedding is not about YOU, but you are desperate to make this about YOU. You don't talk to your sister or niece. Or Aunt . You haven't been invited. With good reason, they don't want you there, which is why you got that cryptic response. STOP. You are clearly trying to force an invite, which is what this thread is all about.

[Anonymous]

I call troll.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Why aren’t they doing save the dates? That is the whole point of this so people can arrange travel if they’re planning on attending. Invites go out like 6-8 weeks beforehand which is really short notice for cross country travel.

Personally I don’t see the big deal in OP asking. Sister could have said there’s no firm date yet if that was the case, which would have answered OP’s question. And if there is a date set then why is it being treated like a state secret, especially for a family member.

People on this board just love to trash the OP. If sister had posted and said “my sister texted me wanting to confirm my DD’s wedding date in order to book cross country flights and I decided not to tell her whether the date was set” people would be ragging on her. Like why can’t you just say yes or no about a date. It takes 2 seconds.

I wonder if something is going on behind the scenes like the wedding may not happen or us on shaky grounds …

OP said they are the only out of town guests I think. If she wants to know she needs to just pick up the phone and ask, none of this text business.

Are you serious? A phone call would be way more intrusive and inconvenient. A text takes 2 seconds to reply to. No one under the age of 60 should be picking up the phone and calling to ask this stuff without warning. I am 40 and basically never answer my phone unless someone texts first.

Well, now you see why text isn't always best. OP said her sister won't give her daughter a dime so it's very likely there are some money fights going on about who is paying. If OP's sister isn't paying I bet OP can assume she won't be invited then because the niece will probably keep it small and nix family she's not even close to, like OP.

I'm the only family. There is no one else. Its not that they didn't just not see me over the years they saw no one, ever.

So you're not close. Don't count on being invited.

My parents confirmed they asked for my address, but whi knows. Even my parents had no idea what to make of the text except that it's very on brand for my sibling and not at all out of character to be super evasive about everything. It's just frustrating because, again, I'm probably the only person flying my family across the country.

How much time have you wasted over this text? Talking to people here, your parents, and god know who else. All because you can't actually call your sister. People can't communicate anymore.

I was on the phone with my parents trying to coordinate logistics with them when the text came in. So it's not like these two things were separate. Of course it stopped our logistics in it's tracks.

Logistics for what?

My Aunt & Uncle live in the middle of nowhere - were talking drive 1 hour, wait for a ferry, on the ferry for 1 hour, then 3 hour drive. And that's after getting off of a 5+ hour flight.

But I figured out if we meet at the airport, we can drive together and it's a 2 hour drive, no ferry. So I was figuring out with them how we would handle it.

You're planning all this for a wedding you haven't even been invited to yet? Maybe slow your roll.

I mean, it's going to be hard for my family to be there. But I'm going to try my best. It's my niece. I only have 3 and may never have any other in my life. Despite how my sibling treats me, I do value them even if it isnt returned woth respect.

You aren't close enough with your niece to even call her up. Your presence isn't as important as you might think it is. Just accept that if you buy tickets the wedding may not go on as planned and don't lord it over your sister and family or guilt trip them about it because you jumped the gun.

I'm sure my presence isn't important to my sibling, that's been made clear. There just isn't any other family that cares so, if I'm invited, I'll be there.

Why? You seem to really want to punish yourself and your kids over this. Are you trying to prove a point to someone? Who?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand her response. Is she saying you’re not invited?

+1 OP the reply makes no sense. We booked our wedding a year out and sent a save the date in advance. A lot of people traveled to our wedding (friends and fam are scattered throughout the country and internationally). The etiquette is for actual invitations (that require an RSVP) to be much closer to the date. The vast majority of our guests booked travel way in advance of invitations being sent.

The date is firm once deposits are being put down, vendors being booked. If the date isn't certain yet, then that is the normal thing to reply and say.

[Anonymous]

OP do you work? If not, you should since you have all of this extra time to stew about non-issues.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Why aren’t they doing save the dates? That is the whole point of this so people can arrange travel if they’re planning on attending. Invites go out like 6-8 weeks beforehand which is really short notice for cross country travel.

Personally I don’t see the big deal in OP asking. Sister could have said there’s no firm date yet if that was the case, which would have answered OP’s question. And if there is a date set then why is it being treated like a state secret, especially for a family member.

People on this board just love to trash the OP. If sister had posted and said “my sister texted me wanting to confirm my DD’s wedding date in order to book cross country flights and I decided not to tell her whether the date was set” people would be ragging on her. Like why can’t you just say yes or no about a date. It takes 2 seconds.

I wonder if something is going on behind the scenes like the wedding may not happen or us on shaky grounds …

OP said they are the only out of town guests I think. If she wants to know she needs to just pick up the phone and ask, none of this text business.

Are you serious? A phone call would be way more intrusive and inconvenient. A text takes 2 seconds to reply to. No one under the age of 60 should be picking up the phone and calling to ask this stuff without warning. I am 40 and basically never answer my phone unless someone texts first.

Well, now you see why text isn't always best. OP said her sister won't give her daughter a dime so it's very likely there are some money fights going on about who is paying. If OP's sister isn't paying I bet OP can assume she won't be invited then because the niece will probably keep it small and nix family she's not even close to, like OP.

I'm the only family. There is no one else. Its not that they didn't just not see me over the years they saw no one, ever.

So you're not close. Don't count on being invited.

My parents confirmed they asked for my address, but whi knows. Even my parents had no idea what to make of the text except that it's very on brand for my sibling and not at all out of character to be super evasive about everything. It's just frustrating because, again, I'm probably the only person flying my family across the country.

How much time have you wasted over this text? Talking to people here, your parents, and god know who else. All because you can't actually call your sister. People can't communicate anymore.

I was on the phone with my parents trying to coordinate logistics with them when the text came in. So it's not like these two things were separate. Of course it stopped our logistics in it's tracks.

Logistics for what?

My Aunt & Uncle live in the middle of nowhere - were talking drive 1 hour, wait for a ferry, on the ferry for 1 hour, then 3 hour drive. And that's after getting off of a 5+ hour flight.

But I figured out if we meet at the airport, we can drive together and it's a 2 hour drive, no ferry. So I was figuring out with them how we would handle it.

You're planning all this for a wedding you haven't even been invited to yet? Maybe slow your roll.

I mean, it's going to be hard for my family to be there. But I'm going to try my best. It's my niece. I only have 3 and may never have any other in my life. Despite how my sibling treats me, I do value them even if it isnt returned woth respect.

You aren't close enough with your niece to even call her up. Your presence isn't as important as you might think it is. Just accept that if you buy tickets the wedding may not go on as planned and don't lord it over your sister and family or guilt trip them about it because you jumped the gun.

I'm sure my presence isn't important to my sibling, that's been made clear. There just isn't any other family that cares so, if I'm invited, I'll be there.

Why? You seem to really want to punish yourself and your kids over this. Are you trying to prove a point to someone? Who?

I'm going to 1) support my neice since likely no other family from either side will be there 2) see my Aunt, Uncle and parents 3) my kids get to see their cousins. If by some miracle my other relatives come to an event I haven't seen them in 20 years and I will be very happy to see them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP do you work? If not, you should since you have all of this extra time to stew about non-issues.

Yes, I run a very successful business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand her response. Is she saying you’re not invited?

+1 OP the reply makes no sense. We booked our wedding a year out and sent a save the date in advance. A lot of people traveled to our wedding (friends and fam are scattered throughout the country and internationally). The etiquette is for actual invitations (that require an RSVP) to be much closer to the date. The vast majority of our guests booked travel way in advance of invitations being sent.

The date is firm once deposits are being put down, vendors being booked. If the date isn't certain yet, then that is the normal thing to reply and say.

I don't know what to say, none of this has been done unless my parents are also not invited. The date is 4 months away.

[Anonymous]

OP I used to be the one who dropped everything to support family. It was very rarely reciprocated. I eventually learned that sometimes that’s just how it goes and you have to pick and choose your battles. Just let it play out and if you can’t make the wedding, you can’t. It will be ok.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Why aren’t they doing save the dates? That is the whole point of this so people can arrange travel if they’re planning on attending. Invites go out like 6-8 weeks beforehand which is really short notice for cross country travel.

Personally I don’t see the big deal in OP asking. Sister could have said there’s no firm date yet if that was the case, which would have answered OP’s question. And if there is a date set then why is it being treated like a state secret, especially for a family member.

People on this board just love to trash the OP. If sister had posted and said “my sister texted me wanting to confirm my DD’s wedding date in order to book cross country flights and I decided not to tell her whether the date was set” people would be ragging on her. Like why can’t you just say yes or no about a date. It takes 2 seconds.

I wonder if something is going on behind the scenes like the wedding may not happen or us on shaky grounds …

OP said they are the only out of town guests I think. If she wants to know she needs to just pick up the phone and ask, none of this text business.

Are you serious? A phone call would be way more intrusive and inconvenient. A text takes 2 seconds to reply to. No one under the age of 60 should be picking up the phone and calling to ask this stuff without warning. I am 40 and basically never answer my phone unless someone texts first.

Well, now you see why text isn't always best. OP said her sister won't give her daughter a dime so it's very likely there are some money fights going on about who is paying. If OP's sister isn't paying I bet OP can assume she won't be invited then because the niece will probably keep it small and nix family she's not even close to, like OP.

I'm the only family. There is no one else. Its not that they didn't just not see me over the years they saw no one, ever.

So you're not close. Don't count on being invited.

My parents confirmed they asked for my address, but whi knows. Even my parents had no idea what to make of the text except that it's very on brand for my sibling and not at all out of character to be super evasive about everything. It's just frustrating because, again, I'm probably the only person flying my family across the country.

How much time have you wasted over this text? Talking to people here, your parents, and god know who else. All because you can't actually call your sister. People can't communicate anymore.

I was on the phone with my parents trying to coordinate logistics with them when the text came in. So it's not like these two things were separate. Of course it stopped our logistics in it's tracks.

Logistics for what?

My Aunt & Uncle live in the middle of nowhere - were talking drive 1 hour, wait for a ferry, on the ferry for 1 hour, then 3 hour drive. And that's after getting off of a 5+ hour flight.

But I figured out if we meet at the airport, we can drive together and it's a 2 hour drive, no ferry. So I was figuring out with them how we would handle it.

You're planning all this for a wedding you haven't even been invited to yet? Maybe slow your roll.

I mean, it's going to be hard for my family to be there. But I'm going to try my best. It's my niece. I only have 3 and may never have any other in my life. Despite how my sibling treats me, I do value them even if it isnt returned woth respect.

You aren't close enough with your niece to even call her up. Your presence isn't as important as you might think it is. Just accept that if you buy tickets the wedding may not go on as planned and don't lord it over your sister and family or guilt trip them about it because you jumped the gun.

I'm sure my presence isn't important to my sibling, that's been made clear. There just isn't any other family that cares so, if I'm invited, I'll be there.

Why? You seem to really want to punish yourself and your kids over this. Are you trying to prove a point to someone? Who?

I'm going to 1) support my neice since likely no other family from either side will be there 2) see my Aunt, Uncle and parents 3) my kids get to see their cousins. If by some miracle my other relatives come to an event I haven't seen them in 20 years and I will be very happy to see them.

So you're using this supposed wedding for a family reunion trip? But can't ask your niece yourself?

[Anonymous]

NP.

OP, based on everything you said, here is what I think is happening. Either the wedding is in big trouble or you are not invited to the wedding. Your sibling didn't want to say anything to you, hence the weird response.

The reason you are not invited might be because niece is not close to you. But it could entirely be a financial decision. IF as you said, your sibling is close fisted with money, the couple might be paying for everything themselves, and 4 extra people might be way too much. If I were to guess, I'd say that this will be a small backyard affair with local family and the bride and groom's close friends. Like 20-25 people.

In your shoes, I would assume that you are not invited. If you do get an invite and it's too late for good prices, either don't go, or just go by yourself.

Also, a couple that has been together since they were 15(!!!)... I doubt it will work out long-term.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I used to be the one who dropped everything to support family. It was very rarely reciprocated. I eventually learned that sometimes that’s just how it goes and you have to pick and choose your battles. Just let it play out and if you can’t make the wedding, you can’t. It will be ok.

Thanks PP. This is me to a T. In 20 years of being an adult I've never missed a friend or family members wedding ever.