Invitations haven't been sent yet

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP.

OP, based on everything you said, here is what I think is happening. Either the wedding is in big trouble or you are not invited to the wedding. Your sibling didn't want to say anything to you, hence the weird response.

The reason you are not invited might be because niece is not close to you. But it could entirely be a financial decision. IF as you said, your sibling is close fisted with money, the couple might be paying for everything themselves, and 4 extra people might be way too much. If I were to guess, I'd say that this will be a small backyard affair with local family and the bride and groom's close friends. Like 20-25 people.

In your shoes, I would assume that you are not invited. If you do get an invite and it's too late for good prices, either don't go, or just go by yourself.

Also, a couple that has been together since they were 15(!!!)... I doubt it will work out long-term.

My Mom is very sure that it's not that we or other people are not invited, they asked for the whole family's addresses. Her take is this is totally normal behavior for them to be secretive and weird. They've always been like that.

[Anonymous]

OP, I understand why you're venting. Unfortunately, the DCUM bullies need to do their thing, so ignore them.

[Anonymous]

Buy 2 tickets for yourself and spouse. Or just you. For now. It might be that the 4 of you are not invited, or they are hoping all 4 of you won't come.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP.

OP, based on everything you said, here is what I think is happening. Either the wedding is in big trouble or you are not invited to the wedding. Your sibling didn't want to say anything to you, hence the weird response.

The reason you are not invited might be because niece is not close to you. But it could entirely be a financial decision. IF as you said, your sibling is close fisted with money, the couple might be paying for everything themselves, and 4 extra people might be way too much. If I were to guess, I'd say that this will be a small backyard affair with local family and the bride and groom's close friends. Like 20-25 people.

In your shoes, I would assume that you are not invited. If you do get an invite and it's too late for good prices, either don't go, or just go by yourself.

Also, a couple that has been together since they were 15(!!!)... I doubt it will work out long-term.

My Mom is very sure that it's not that we or other people are not invited, they asked for the whole family's addresses. Her take is this is totally normal behavior for them to be secretive and weird. They've always been like that.

Soooo what’s the issue. You know your sister. Don’t let this get to you.

[Anonymous]

Your sister could have said yes or no instead of that weird answer. You also could have replied back with "I don't need the invitations to book a flight, I just need to know the dates around which I should travel"

[Anonymous]

Clearly she does not want you to attend.
Stay home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Clearly she does not want you to attend.
Stay home.

+1. This entire thread is about OP maneuvering her way into a wedding where she is not welcome. Her family is not playing ball so she’s crowdsourcing here.

[Anonymous]

- the family communication is really weird. IDK what’s going on there but there are undercurrents

-Buy tickets for the family that are fully refundable or spend a bit for cancel-for-any reason insurance

-if there’s a date change when the invitation arrives, assess costs. Maybe you go alone, maybe no one goes. See what makes sense

-send niece a lovely gift

I don’t really see a lot of choices here. I’d stop agonizing about it because I don’t think it’s going to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just say to your sister or niece or the aunt/uncle who are hosting the wedding again: what is the wedding date? Simple easy. If they don’t tell you and you therefore can’t get tickets and tickets wind up being too expensive if you wait til closer to get them then just…don’t go.

Maybe your sister is trying to engineer the above?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why didn't they send a save the date? Those usually go out 1 year to a 90 days before the wedding especially with out of town guests. Then the invite before 6 weeks.

I would google them on the knot website too.

If I were you OP, I wouldn't worry about it. Your niece knows where you live. If you receove an invite and airfare has increased simply send good wishes. Also don't let them know its bc airfare increased. Just say it doesn't work out financially or logistically. I wouldn't send a gift.

You and your sister both seem difficult.

Their knot website is empty. She doesn't know where I live, unfortunately. That's why they had to ask for my address from my parents.

How close can you be if she has zero way of contacting you?

[Anonymous]

^my thinking is that if you and your niece are not close enough for her to have your email address or phone number to contact you, then your presence at her wedding can’t be that important to her (again, to HER - not talking about you here), or might even cause stress since she obviously knows that you don’t like her mom. In that case, a very generous wedding present with a thoughtfully written, sincere card is probably the kind of “support” that she would truly want from you, especially if the couple are just starting out and would be grateful for help setting up a household. Just do that instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^my thinking is that if you and your niece are not close enough for her to have your email address or phone number to contact you, then your presence at her wedding can’t be that important to her (again, to HER - not talking about you here), or might even cause stress since she obviously knows that you don’t like her mom. In that case, a very generous wedding present with a thoughtfully written, sincere card is probably the kind of “support” that she would truly want from you, especially if the couple are just starting out and would be grateful for help setting up a household. Just do that instead.

Yes, this. OP, your family sounds very messed up, but you are making this problem so much bigger than it should be.
Either
1) contact your niece and TALK to her. Does she want you to come? Does it make sense?
2) based on the conversation, make plans. Either don't go and send gift, buy tickets or wait.

And please, write another thread about the bigger issue that your family and you don't get along generally and haven't for many many years (at least as far back as your own wedding) and how this drives you nuts. Don't let your distress make you crazy here.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Why aren’t they doing save the dates? That is the whole point of this so people can arrange travel if they’re planning on attending. Invites go out like 6-8 weeks beforehand which is really short notice for cross country travel.

Personally I don’t see the big deal in OP asking. Sister could have said there’s no firm date yet if that was the case, which would have answered OP’s question. And if there is a date set then why is it being treated like a state secret, especially for a family member.

People on this board just love to trash the OP. If sister had posted and said “my sister texted me wanting to confirm my DD’s wedding date in order to book cross country flights and I decided not to tell her whether the date was set” people would be ragging on her. Like why can’t you just say yes or no about a date. It takes 2 seconds.

I wonder if something is going on behind the scenes like the wedding may not happen or us on shaky grounds …

OP said they are the only out of town guests I think. If she wants to know she needs to just pick up the phone and ask, none of this text business.

Are you serious? A phone call would be way more intrusive and inconvenient. A text takes 2 seconds to reply to. No one under the age of 60 should be picking up the phone and calling to ask this stuff without warning. I am 40 and basically never answer my phone unless someone texts first.

Well, now you see why text isn't always best. OP said her sister won't give her daughter a dime so it's very likely there are some money fights going on about who is paying. If OP's sister isn't paying I bet OP can assume she won't be invited then because the niece will probably keep it small and nix family she's not even close to, like OP.

I'm the only family. There is no one else. Its not that they didn't just not see me over the years they saw no one, ever.

So you're not close. Don't count on being invited.

My parents confirmed they asked for my address, but whi knows. Even my parents had no idea what to make of the text except that it's very on brand for my sibling and not at all out of character to be super evasive about everything. It's just frustrating because, again, I'm probably the only person flying my family across the country.

How much time have you wasted over this text? Talking to people here, your parents, and god know who else. All because you can't actually call your sister. People can't communicate anymore.

I was on the phone with my parents trying to coordinate logistics with them when the text came in. So it's not like these two things were separate. Of course it stopped our logistics in it's tracks.

Logistics for what?

My Aunt & Uncle live in the middle of nowhere - were talking drive 1 hour, wait for a ferry, on the ferry for 1 hour, then 3 hour drive. And that's after getting off of a 5+ hour flight.

But I figured out if we meet at the airport, we can drive together and it's a 2 hour drive, no ferry. So I was figuring out with them how we would handle it.

You're planning all this for a wedding you haven't even been invited to yet? Maybe slow your roll.

I mean, it's going to be hard for my family to be there. But I'm going to try my best. It's my niece. I only have 3 and may never have any other in my life. Despite how my sibling treats me, I do value them even if it isnt returned woth respect.

Sorry to be harsh but no matter how much you personally value the family connection it doesn’t mean that your niece necessarily wants you and/or your children (you do realize that many weddings are adult only, correct?) at her event, especially given that you admittedly don’t have a close relationship. Valuing someone means respecting their preferences and not forcing yourself upon them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^my thinking is that if you and your niece are not close enough for her to have your email address or phone number to contact you, then your presence at her wedding can’t be that important to her (again, to HER - not talking about you here), or might even cause stress since she obviously knows that you don’t like her mom. In that case, a very generous wedding present with a thoughtfully written, sincere card is probably the kind of “support” that she would truly want from you, especially if the couple are just starting out and would be grateful for help setting up a household. Just do that instead.

Yes, this. OP, your family sounds very messed up, but you are making this problem so much bigger than it should be.
Either
1) contact your niece and TALK to her. Does she want you to come? Does it make sense?
2) based on the conversation, make plans. Either don't go and send gift, buy tickets or wait.

And please, write another thread about the bigger issue that your family and you don't get along generally and haven't for many many years (at least as far back as your own wedding) and how this drives you nuts. Don't let your distress make you crazy here.

No no no, having been in the situation please don’t pull the poor bride further into your crazy family dynamics/estrangements and confront her to ask if you are invited. Chances are she would far prefer you didn’t come to avoid further drama but doesn’t want to tell you to your face.

[Anonymous]

Did OP contact the niece?!