I hate where we live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wherever you go, there you are.

Until you can relocate work on finding happiness here. It can’t all be location based. Go see your family if you’re homesick. Fill the cup. Find ways to connect from afar AND how to ground yourself here. Fixating on what you don’t have will make everything worse.

I really hate this phrase, because place matters. I’ve lived in two places that I really didn’t like and once I moved it made a huge difference, it was like a weight was taken off my shoulders.

+1. I'm sure these posters would be fine moving to remote North Dakota, after all, they can find happiness anywhere.

+2
Their lives must really be worse than OP - to take the time to chime in on a thread that has nothing to do with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DC is a great place to live. I moved here in the mid-1980s and we raised our kids here. Good schools. Lots of free events. Museums. Rock Creek Park. Bike trails and hiking trails galore. Shenandoah National Park is nearby, as is the Chesapeake Bay and the Atlantic Ocean. We’ve moved away several times for work but always returned here.

It’s not DC. It’s you.

Depends on one's point of reference. Surprise! Not everyone is the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one put a gun to your head to move here. If you were so against it, you should have never married your significant other.

It's her husband's fault of course. She has no autonomy or choice. It's all bad,don't you see, and she was forced into the situation by her misogynist husband and by the patriarchy. She's just s feeble victim.

Ok. I feel like I’m in the same situation. I have a job that I can do pretty much anywhere and can support myself and my kids.
I moved here expecting to be here only a couple of years, but now DH won’t move back.
He’s told me that if I take the kids and leave he will divorce me, fight me for custody, and make the kids’ lives miserable.

What are my options? I feel like I have no autonomy.

You have to separate out you leaving from you "taking the kids" with you. Second woman who has made that assumption. You have the absolute right to leave the marriage and live wherever you please. You don't have any right to remove the kids from their home. Obviously you could fight it out in court but why are you assuming you could automatically "take the kids"? Because you're the woman? This isn't the 1950s.

Has he literally told you he will make the kids lives miserable? Or did you throw that in there to demonize him?

No reason the kids lives will be miserable. You want to leave, then leave. You or he files for divorce. Guess what? It's very unlikely any judge is going to order that school age children will have to leave their existing home just because mommy is bored of her life and going through a mid life crisis.

But as you said you can do your job anywhere. Go do that, and send the child support checks to your ex husband, who will be the custodial parent. No need to fight over anything. What your husband told you is you have no right to leave the home AND take the children with you, and he is absolutely right about that. You are borderline delusional and very entitled to think otherwise, so some therapy might be a good idea before you take any life changing steps.

The husband is delusional if he thinks he can be selfish and ignore that his wife is unhappy. There is no future for their relationship if he is not willing to compromise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DC is a great place to live. I moved here in the mid-1980s and we raised our kids here. Good schools. Lots of free events. Museums. Rock Creek Park. Bike trails and hiking trails galore. Shenandoah National Park is nearby, as is the Chesapeake Bay and the Atlantic Ocean. We’ve moved away several times for work but always returned here.

It’s not DC. It’s you.

LOL you have a different definition of “nearby” than those of us who know what it’s like to not live your life in a car!

The things you listed about DC are the things people settle for to cope with all of the horrible aspects: the COL, the traffic, the summer swamp weather, the winter cold winds and civilization ending snow flurries, and of course, the people.

I’m glad you like it, but DC is not everyone’s cup of tea. It doesn’t mean there is something wrong with us.

+1

Each time the unsupportive poster/s post, they prove OP's point. Well done?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wherever you go, there you are.

Until you can relocate work on finding happiness here. It can’t all be location based. Go see your family if you’re homesick. Fill the cup. Find ways to connect from afar AND how to ground yourself here. Fixating on what you don’t have will make everything worse.

I really hate this phrase, because place matters. I’ve lived in two places that I really didn’t like and once I moved it made a huge difference, it was like a weight was taken off my shoulders.

+1

Often stated by people who barely left their functional family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel the same, OP. I thought I'd feel more settled here in the DC area after having kids, but that hasn't panned out. It feels just as transitory and transactional as it always has--maybe even more so post-pandemic. All but one of my friends has moved away over the years. My kids' friends and classmates move away continually or change schools at the drop of a hat. It feels unstable and unfulfilling. I don't expect the same childhood experience for my kids that I had in suburbia, but it would be nice to have a middle ground--a place with a good combination of lifers and newer residents, where people view their community as their home rather than some temporary stopping point, where random encounters with the public are at least civil, where there isn't such scarcity of resources/high demand for kid-related activities that try-outs or registration requires strategic, long-term planning and ends up resembling the Hunger Games. I'm Type A and even I can no longer tolerate all of the other Type A jerks around here. I'm not even going to go down the rabbit hole of rising crime and the cost of living.

I WANT to like it here. There are so many reasons to like the DC area in theory. And I did very much like it at one point. The issues that bother me now didn't bother me as much in years past I guess. On a daily basis, it's rarely enjoyable anymore and it's becoming difficult to tolerate. But I feel somewhat stuck for a variety of reasons, including the fact that I don't like change even if I think I'd like to drop everything and move across the country.

The transient nature of this area is a major reason I'm unhappy as well. Between that and the high cost of living, it can just be hard to feel settled here.

My DD's closest friend and her family (who we were all close to and spent a lot of time socializing with) moved away last year and it's been really hard. One thing I recently realized is that I think that experience has actually shifted how I think about other friends and meeting new people. I mentally prepare myself for anyone to leave, because they might. I know so many people who talk about it as a possibility, especially due to school issues (we live in DC and so many people struggle with MS/HS here) or cost of living. Plus now crime is a big factor.

And the more you get used to the idea that anyone around you might announce they are leaving tomorrow, the harder it is to feel invested in this area. I have felt my own desire to move mounting over the years and with these friends moving away, I think it pushed it over the edge.

Someone upthread talked about poverty being contagious and that might be true. But in DC, being transient and not really committed to a place is contagious too. Once you've said goodbye to enough friends you start to wonder what the point is in staying.

See I feel for you but at the same time I kind of don’t. I am a lifer. My family is from here and no where else in the world. Just here. I didn’t experience all these people leaving. Sure after high school people did but growing up that wasn’t super common. There are a LOT of people that have been here our whole lives. I feel like transplants hang out with other transplants and ultimately experience this. If you branched out and met people that are from here or have lived here for decades you wouldn’t feel like this. Growing up at my church there were transplants that left later on in life for retirement but they are still connected because they aligned themselves to a community that is from here. So they always feel this is their home base. They come back and church is still here, people still live on the same street, etc. if you aren’t from here you need to find communities like this. Because I can tell you there are soooo many black, white, Hispanic, Asian

I mean, you have lived here your whole life so you don't understand what it's like to be a transplant. Yes transplants tend to hang out with other transplants, but that's not because we don't want to hang out with lifers, it's because it's harder to start friendships with people who already have their whole family plus a bunch of friends from living here for 20+ years. I have a handful of friends who are lifers and I don't know them as well or see them as much because they already have lots of other people in their lives.

Also, a number of the DMV natives I have known over the years have moved away. My two closest friends from grad school were from DC and the close in Maryland suburbs, and they now live in NYC and Boston. It's not like transplants are the only people who move away from here. There are lots of people who grow up here, go to school here, even get married or start families here, but then move away for work or other reasons.

I'm not religious so joining a church doesn't make sense for me but I can see how that would help people find more community.

You are basically lecturing me for not being from here. Well, I can't change that. If the key to happiness in DC is "be from here" well, maybe I really should move.

+1

Well said. DP here. I know people who are from here who either have no long term friends, or short term superficial friends. I do find people from the DMV tend to be more superficial and judgy than other groups - less open and looking for a fight, as some of the PP's. It seems the locals are the group that needs to practice more gratitude and inclusivity.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP, I empathize. I'm counting down the days when I can move back to Boston/New England. We moved here before the pandemic due to my husband's job. It became permanently remote. Now it's harder to move back because we have a kid and my husband feels rooted here. It's a constant source of tension in our marriage.

Moving is not a magic pill but that doesn't mean where you live has no impact on your mental health and outlook in look. It's not either/or. I was able to live in Boston for a month this past summer, and I instantly felt a huge difference. Yes, there were still tough days - kids will still get sick, you still worry about everyday problems, but what did disappear was the CONSTANT RESENTMENT toward my husband.

To PPs who suggested "work on yourself," that was actually easier for me to do in Boston. Once I was there, I felt a great sense of agency because I could no longer blame my husband for all my unhappiness, frustrations, anxiety, etc. Whereas being stuck in DMV I could always point to "being stuck here" as the root of all my problems. It made me feel angry and helpless all the time.

Working on your own mental capacity to be happy has its limits. Not everyone can adjust to anywhere and everywhere. If so that argument can easily apply to your husband - surely he can work that mental magic and get excited about living in a new place?

Can you start concretely planning for the life you want and show your husband what that would look like? Show him what housing would look like there. How it might impact family finances. The good thing is you have a job and you are not dependent on him. At some point if he's totally unwilling to acknowledge your unhappiness, show him through action you have agency and you can leave. I don't mean dump the kids and divorce, but signal to him that you rent a place there, move with the kids, and he can decide to come along or not.

Don't ever let people convince you that "this area is great and something's wrong with you for not loving it here." It takes a lot of money and constant striving to live well here. I find people who are materially comfortable here tend to be very insecure when faced with criticism of the area. Probably because a big part of their identity is wrapped up in the life they established here - buying that expensive house, having that impressive sounding title, getting their kids into whatever fancy school, etc.

You're not alone! There are many of us DMV-haters out there, quietly plotting our escape.

[Anonymous]

People with high anxiety and other issues always think moving will fix their lives.
It won't.
You sound depressed and miserable and you will stay that way, no matter where. People that are constantly looking for misery, generally have it anywhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP, I empathize. I'm counting down the days when I can move back to Boston/New England. We moved here before the pandemic due to my husband's job. It became permanently remote. Now it's harder to move back because we have a kid and my husband feels rooted here. It's a constant source of tension in our marriage.

Moving is not a magic pill but that doesn't mean where you live has no impact on your mental health and outlook in look. It's not either/or. I was able to live in Boston for a month this past summer, and I instantly felt a huge difference. Yes, there were still tough days - kids will still get sick, you still worry about everyday problems, but what did disappear was the CONSTANT RESENTMENT toward my husband.

To PPs who suggested "work on yourself," that was actually easier for me to do in Boston. Once I was there, I felt a great sense of agency because I could no longer blame my husband for all my unhappiness, frustrations, anxiety, etc. Whereas being stuck in DMV I could always point to "being stuck here" as the root of all my problems. It made me feel angry and helpless all the time.

Working on your own mental capacity to be happy has its limits. Not everyone can adjust to anywhere and everywhere. If so that argument can easily apply to your husband - surely he can work that mental magic and get excited about living in a new place?

Can you start concretely planning for the life you want and show your husband what that would look like? Show him what housing would look like there. How it might impact family finances. The good thing is you have a job and you are not dependent on him. At some point if he's totally unwilling to acknowledge your unhappiness, show him through action you have agency and you can leave. I don't mean dump the kids and divorce, but signal to him that you rent a place there, move with the kids, and he can decide to come along or not.

Don't ever let people convince you that "this area is great and something's wrong with you for not loving it here." It takes a lot of money and constant striving to live well here. I find people who are materially comfortable here tend to be very insecure when faced with criticism of the area. Probably because a big part of their identity is wrapped up in the life they established here - buying that expensive house, having that impressive sounding title, getting their kids into whatever fancy school, etc.

You're not alone! There are many of us DMV-haters out there, quietly plotting our escape.

So much wrong with your post and your opinions. You can't blame your husband for your misery because yo are the creator of it. He is not responsible for making you happy. How can you fail to see that?
Unless he is an abusive POS, a narc, or similar, nobody can even be responsible for your happiness but you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wherever you go, there you are.

Until you can relocate work on finding happiness here. It can’t all be location based. Go see your family if you’re homesick. Fill the cup. Find ways to connect from afar AND how to ground yourself here. Fixating on what you don’t have will make everything worse.

I really hate this phrase, because place matters. I’ve lived in two places that I really didn’t like and once I moved it made a huge difference, it was like a weight was taken off my shoulders.

+1

Often stated by people who barely left their functional family.

+2. The phrase is sometimes applicable, but it really depends on the reason(s) for the unhappiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wherever you go, there you are.

Until you can relocate work on finding happiness here. It can’t all be location based. Go see your family if you’re homesick. Fill the cup. Find ways to connect from afar AND how to ground yourself here. Fixating on what you don’t have will make everything worse.

I really hate this phrase, because place matters. I’ve lived in two places that I really didn’t like and once I moved it made a huge difference, it was like a weight was taken off my shoulders.

+1. I'm sure these posters would be fine moving to remote North Dakota, after all, they can find happiness anywhere.

LOL good point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP, I empathize. I'm counting down the days when I can move back to Boston/New England. We moved here before the pandemic due to my husband's job. It became permanently remote. Now it's harder to move back because we have a kid and my husband feels rooted here. It's a constant source of tension in our marriage.

Moving is not a magic pill but that doesn't mean where you live has no impact on your mental health and outlook in look. It's not either/or. I was able to live in Boston for a month this past summer, and I instantly felt a huge difference. Yes, there were still tough days - kids will still get sick, you still worry about everyday problems, but what did disappear was the CONSTANT RESENTMENT toward my husband.

To PPs who suggested "work on yourself," that was actually easier for me to do in Boston. Once I was there, I felt a great sense of agency because I could no longer blame my husband for all my unhappiness, frustrations, anxiety, etc. Whereas being stuck in DMV I could always point to "being stuck here" as the root of all my problems. It made me feel angry and helpless all the time.

Working on your own mental capacity to be happy has its limits. Not everyone can adjust to anywhere and everywhere. If so that argument can easily apply to your husband - surely he can work that mental magic and get excited about living in a new place?

Can you start concretely planning for the life you want and show your husband what that would look like? Show him what housing would look like there. How it might impact family finances. The good thing is you have a job and you are not dependent on him. At some point if he's totally unwilling to acknowledge your unhappiness, show him through action you have agency and you can leave. I don't mean dump the kids and divorce, but signal to him that you rent a place there, move with the kids, and he can decide to come along or not.

Don't ever let people convince you that "this area is great and something's wrong with you for not loving it here." It takes a lot of money and constant striving to live well here. I find people who are materially comfortable here tend to be very insecure when faced with criticism of the area. Probably because a big part of their identity is wrapped up in the life they established here - buying that expensive house, having that impressive sounding title, getting their kids into whatever fancy school, etc.

You're not alone! There are many of us DMV-haters out there, quietly plotting our escape.

+1000
Ever notice how the criticism piles whenever someone suggests they don’t like it here? Want to move somewhere more rural and relaxed? Education! school! The museums! The culture! Want to move somewhere more urban? Gasp! You’re crazy for calling DMV a suburban hellscape. There’s Chevy chase ! Capitol Hill!

Never have I been around people who are more defensive about where they live is the best. Even New Yorkers own up the the limitations of the city. But god forbid you point out DMV isn’t heaven on earth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People with high anxiety and other issues always think moving will fix their lives.
It won't.
You sound depressed and miserable and you will stay that way, no matter where. People that are constantly looking for misery, generally have it anywhere.

I’ve lived in 10 different cities in 6 countries throughout my life and where you live makes a huge difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP, I empathize. I'm counting down the days when I can move back to Boston/New England. We moved here before the pandemic due to my husband's job. It became permanently remote. Now it's harder to move back because we have a kid and my husband feels rooted here. It's a constant source of tension in our marriage.

Moving is not a magic pill but that doesn't mean where you live has no impact on your mental health and outlook in look. It's not either/or. I was able to live in Boston for a month this past summer, and I instantly felt a huge difference. Yes, there were still tough days - kids will still get sick, you still worry about everyday problems, but what did disappear was the CONSTANT RESENTMENT toward my husband.

To PPs who suggested "work on yourself," that was actually easier for me to do in Boston. Once I was there, I felt a great sense of agency because I could no longer blame my husband for all my unhappiness, frustrations, anxiety, etc. Whereas being stuck in DMV I could always point to "being stuck here" as the root of all my problems. It made me feel angry and helpless all the time.

Working on your own mental capacity to be happy has its limits. Not everyone can adjust to anywhere and everywhere. If so that argument can easily apply to your husband - surely he can work that mental magic and get excited about living in a new place?

Can you start concretely planning for the life you want and show your husband what that would look like? Show him what housing would look like there. How it might impact family finances. The good thing is you have a job and you are not dependent on him. At some point if he's totally unwilling to acknowledge your unhappiness, show him through action you have agency and you can leave. I don't mean dump the kids and divorce, but signal to him that you rent a place there, move with the kids, and he can decide to come along or not.

Don't ever let people convince you that "this area is great and something's wrong with you for not loving it here." It takes a lot of money and constant striving to live well here. I find people who are materially comfortable here tend to be very insecure when faced with criticism of the area. Probably because a big part of their identity is wrapped up in the life they established here - buying that expensive house, having that impressive sounding title, getting their kids into whatever fancy school, etc.

You're not alone! There are many of us DMV-haters out there, quietly plotting our escape.

DP here. So many crucial and legitimate points here, thank you for taking the time to write. I know so many people, amd many from this area, who happily relocated elsewhere. The locals tend to want to beat you down, so you will be just as miserable as they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP, I empathize. I'm counting down the days when I can move back to Boston/New England. We moved here before the pandemic due to my husband's job. It became permanently remote. Now it's harder to move back because we have a kid and my husband feels rooted here. It's a constant source of tension in our marriage.

Moving is not a magic pill but that doesn't mean where you live has no impact on your mental health and outlook in look. It's not either/or. I was able to live in Boston for a month this past summer, and I instantly felt a huge difference. Yes, there were still tough days - kids will still get sick, you still worry about everyday problems, but what did disappear was the CONSTANT RESENTMENT toward my husband.

To PPs who suggested "work on yourself," that was actually easier for me to do in Boston. Once I was there, I felt a great sense of agency because I could no longer blame my husband for all my unhappiness, frustrations, anxiety, etc. Whereas being stuck in DMV I could always point to "being stuck here" as the root of all my problems. It made me feel angry and helpless all the time.

Working on your own mental capacity to be happy has its limits. Not everyone can adjust to anywhere and everywhere. If so that argument can easily apply to your husband - surely he can work that mental magic and get excited about living in a new place?

Can you start concretely planning for the life you want and show your husband what that would look like? Show him what housing would look like there. How it might impact family finances. The good thing is you have a job and you are not dependent on him. At some point if he's totally unwilling to acknowledge your unhappiness, show him through action you have agency and you can leave. I don't mean dump the kids and divorce, but signal to him that you rent a place there, move with the kids, and he can decide to come along or not.

Don't ever let people convince you that "this area is great and something's wrong with you for not loving it here." It takes a lot of money and constant striving to live well here. I find people who are materially comfortable here tend to be very insecure when faced with criticism of the area. Probably because a big part of their identity is wrapped up in the life they established here - buying that expensive house, having that impressive sounding title, getting their kids into whatever fancy school, etc.

You're not alone! There are many of us DMV-haters out there, quietly plotting our escape.

+1000
Ever notice how the criticism piles whenever someone suggests they don’t like it here? Want to move somewhere more rural and relaxed? Education! school! The museums! The culture! Want to move somewhere more urban? Gasp! You’re crazy for calling DMV a suburban hellscape. There’s Chevy chase ! Capitol Hill!

Never have I been around people who are more defensive about where they live is the best. Even New Yorkers own up the the limitations of the city. But god forbid you point out DMV isn’t heaven on earth.

+1 Preach.