No playdates because other siblings won't have a friend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why I almost never initiate playdates. I have 3 and it's impossible to line up 3 simultaneous playdates so no one is left out. If one child has a friend over I will never hear the end of it about how bored one of the other kids is. Usually this is between my 2 youngest who play very well together on their own. It's not worth the hassle so we just don't initiate play dates very often or at all. They aren't bored since they have each other.

Do you think they'll grow out of this? Or do you have a plan for how to ease them out of the codependency? This dynamic isn't very good for their development.

Not concerned in the least. They are obviously in different grades with different friends, do separate after school activities, games on weekends, birthday parties with school friends, etc. The little down time they have is usually with each other because we don't really need more to do anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter’s former best friend was an only and it was a nightmare to host her. We had an open yard policy where all the neighborhood kids were welcome to play in our yard and vice versa. My daughter’s friend would come over and demand that my younger son not be allowed to play on ours or our neighbors’ swingset equipment while she and my daughter were outside playing. The mom would also constantly invite my daughter, husband and me to do stuff with their family (go to pool, come over for dinner, etc.) and forget that we had a four year old son at home. The mom was not pleased when our families weren’t as close and she would send nasty texts accusing us of liking our neighbors and other friends better. Well, yeah, of course we were closer with other families that had multiple, same aged kids and were inclusive of all my children.

It’s not rocket science.

The bossiest kid I know is the youngest of 3 kids. Should I now assume all youngest children are this way? Or all families of 3 kids? You have experience with one bossy kid who happened to be an only child. But go ahead and generalize and teach your kids to do the same .

Children with siblings can also be annoying. They often don’t get invited back either.

It’s not as though any mom is thinking, “Who should we have over this weekend? Not Larla, she’s an only child.” It’s more one child begging, “Can Larla come over this weekend?” If the other child begs for Larla too, Mom will invite Larla. If the other child is indifferent or occupied, Mom may still invite Larla. But if the younger child says, “No! Larla’s mean to me!” Larla won’t get the invite, especially if Mom spent the last play date breaking up dealing with high maintenance kid. Mom will probably say, “What about Larlo instead?” And if both kids get excited about Larlo, Larlo gets the invite.

I have a friend who seems to want to hang out with us less and I just realized why. My daughter is the same age as the younger sister but we became family friends and my daughter likes the older sister better than the younger sister. When we get together, the younger sister is always whining about something being unfair or being left or some other injustice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why I almost never initiate playdates. I have 3 and it's impossible to line up 3 simultaneous playdates so no one is left out. If one child has a friend over I will never hear the end of it about how bored one of the other kids is. Usually this is between my 2 youngest who play very well together on their own. It's not worth the hassle so we just don't initiate play dates very often or at all. They aren't bored since they have each other.

Do you think they'll grow out of this? Or do you have a plan for how to ease them out of the codependency? This dynamic isn't very good for their development.

This is about as sound as saying that only children aren't able to socialize, which is to say, it isn't.
Also, it sounds like OTHER people do initiate playdates.

This person will tell her child "no you can't play with your friends ever, because your younger siblings will annoy me." She's isolating her kids because she's too put out to parent any of them individually. How is that ok for her kids?

They spend most of their week at school, moron. They aren't twins attached at the hip who do everything together. When we're not in school or at activities I'm not spending spare time lining up a bunch of play dates. Everyone wants to just relax at home sometimes too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It amazes me how quick posters are to jump on only children and their parents. There is zero in OP’s posts that one could use to extrapolate that her kid is not nice to her friends’ siblings - you all are imparting that to OP’s statement that her kid isn’t often invited for playdates. It is really hurtful to those of us with only children to make negative generalizations about us and our kids, espexially since many of us are not in this position by choice (although many are, too, and my comments are equally applicable). I would never, ever make negative statements about other based on their family size, but for some reason there is free reign to dump on families of onlies.

OP, I think this is just a matter of convenience, not anything personal to your daughter. It is usually easier for parents balancing multiple kids’ schedules to just drop their kid at your house. Be glad kids like coming to your house- hopefully that will follow as your daughter ages and you will be grateful to be the house kids want to hang in when your daughter is middle/hs age .

(Also, minor point but multiple posters have criticized her / her kid for not being inclusive to the older sibling at the zoo playdate - OP said that kid was bored! and it is ridiculous to think a 12 yr old could not stay home alone.)

Can you not read? OP specifically complained about her only having to play with younger siblings hanging around AT the other person's house! That her only wants to play with the friend only, not friend plus sibling.

I'm a DP. This was the sentence from the OP:

The friends who have younger siblings always come to the playdates, even though the moms don't even ask if that's okay and it annoys my child to have younger siblings trying to play with her and her friend when they want time together.

I actually read that as the OP's DD getting annoyed that a sibling CAME to the playdate that OP set up.

Yes, and OP dropped and ran, so we don't know if she made the mom stay or not. I think this all comes down to the mom staying during the playdate. I didn't get the impression that the mom dropped off a 7 and 4 year old and left. I got the impression that OP expects parents to stay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the mom of an only so I have some perspective. I understand why you are annoyed. I am usually the mom initiating the play date. My son’s friends all have siblings that they play with fairly often so play dates aren’t as much of a priority.

I try to be accommodating and understanding. I have one friend whose husband works many weekends so she is with all 3 kids by herself. I will make an extra effort to go pick up her son, who is my son’s friend so she can have one on one time with her middle child while the baby is napping. I have an extra car seat in my car so I can take a friend with my son on an excursion.

We don’t receive the reciprocation I would like but the alternative is lots of loneliness for my social kid. It is possible that I am a sucker but I will make that sacrifice for the good of my kid.

\

As the parent of multiple kids, here is what you have to understand: you are making this sacrifice for your kid, not for your friend -- or even your friend's kid. Her kid likely has his/her own, built-in playmates typically and there's no real need to create exrtra socializing in the same way there would be as an only. Just because your kid/ you are desparate for a playdate, they aren't necessarily (even if it's nice) and they own you nothing.

THIS THIS THIS. My DD has a friend who is constantly inviting her to do things, mom will offer to bring her home from aftercare, wants to do sleepovers all the time, etc., and it's not because she's trying to do me a favor, it's because she wants her kid out of her hair so she can have a minute. I'm all for that and I'm fortunate in that my kids play together so I can get that break, so I understand why she wants it, but don't say you're doing me a favor when it's all about you.

[Anonymous]

OP - you may think your daughter is precocious and the cutest thing ever, but I think she's bossy and mean and selfish and even though my kid will play with her, I don't really like having her around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter’s former best friend was an only and it was a nightmare to host her. We had an open yard policy where all the neighborhood kids were welcome to play in our yard and vice versa. My daughter’s friend would come over and demand that my younger son not be allowed to play on ours or our neighbors’ swingset equipment while she and my daughter were outside playing. The mom would also constantly invite my daughter, husband and me to do stuff with their family (go to pool, come over for dinner, etc.) and forget that we had a four year old son at home. The mom was not pleased when our families weren’t as close and she would send nasty texts accusing us of liking our neighbors and other friends better. Well, yeah, of course we were closer with other families that had multiple, same aged kids and were inclusive of all my children.

It’s not rocket science.

The bossiest kid I know is the youngest of 3 kids. Should I now assume all youngest children are this way? Or all families of 3 kids? You have experience with one bossy kid who happened to be an only child. But go ahead and generalize and teach your kids to do the same .

Children with siblings can also be annoying. They often don’t get invited back either.

It’s not as though any mom is thinking, “Who should we have over this weekend? Not Larla, she’s an only child.” It’s more one child begging, “Can Larla come over this weekend?” If the other child begs for Larla too, Mom will invite Larla. If the other child is indifferent or occupied, Mom may still invite Larla. But if the younger child says, “No! Larla’s mean to me!” Larla won’t get the invite, especially if Mom spent the last play date breaking up dealing with high maintenance kid. Mom will probably say, “What about Larlo instead?” And if both kids get excited about Larlo, Larlo gets the invite.

Yes, of course - this is reasonable and applies no matter the kid. I am the poster you quoted, but the posters *I* was responding to overtly said they don’t want only children over for playdates because they are too [self centered, exclusionary, high maintenance, insert rude adjective].

I am the rocket science poster you were responding to. I didn’t say or generalize that I didn’t want only children over because of whatever reason. I was just sharing a story about one child who happened to be an only. I can share other examples of kids with siblings who were also not invited back, including one who kept going upstairs into my bedroom and looking through our drawers.

The real issue was the awkwardness created by the mom who wanted her daughter to always have my daughter’s (and our family’s) undivided attention. It was nothing personal against them but at the end of the day, it’s just easier for us to hang out with similar multi-kid families. And as other posters have pointed out, if a kid can’t get along in a bigger group or interact with siblings, then of course it doesn’t make sense to keep inviting them back if they are going to have to interact in a bigger group or with siblings. The other posters who pointed out that the parents of onlys aren’t doing any favors are 100% correct. Sending my kid to your house doesn’t help me because now I’ve got one kid at home with no one to play with. And in the our situation where we had neighborhood friends, we didn’t have to do manufactured play dates- the kids just went outside to play. It would have been fine if her only friend was cool with that and could join in the fun, but she was like her mom and wanted undivided attention.

If OP wants her kid to have one-on-one time, she should always host and insist it’s drop-off. Unless the mothers are friends, no one is going to want to sit around and watch two 7 year olds play, especially if they have other kids at home. I find hard to believe folks are bringing siblings to play dates at someone else’s house unless the OP failed to mention that she insisted that the parent stay to help supervise and the parent had no choice but to bring the other kid along for lack of childcare.

[Anonymous]

Most of these Virginia women are asssssholes so just have a drink and forget about them.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like these children with sibling playmates don’t know how to entertain themselves. Sibling goes and they’re nagging their parents? How old are these kids? That’s an underrated skill that parents of one child probably overlook since their kids can do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like these children with sibling playmates don’t know how to entertain themselves. Sibling goes and they’re nagging their parents? How old are these kids? That’s an underrated skill that parents of one child probably overlook since their kids can do it.

How many posters said that theirs will nag? One?

Most of the time, the other parent is busy, even if at home. My youngest is a preschooler and can play by herself for long stretches of time, but it's still not safe to leave her with my spouse if he is busy and completely checked out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like these children with sibling playmates don’t know how to entertain themselves. Sibling goes and they’re nagging their parents? How old are these kids? That’s an underrated skill that parents of one child probably overlook since their kids can do it.

How many posters said that theirs will nag? One?

Most of the time, the other parent is busy, even if at home. My youngest is a preschooler and can play by herself for long stretches of time, but it's still not safe to leave her with my spouse if he is busy and completely checked out.

The assumption is that your husband would check back in to parent his child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like these children with sibling playmates don’t know how to entertain themselves. Sibling goes and they’re nagging their parents? How old are these kids? That’s an underrated skill that parents of one child probably overlook since their kids can do it.

How many posters said that theirs will nag? One?

Most of the time, the other parent is busy, even if at home. My youngest is a preschooler and can play by herself for long stretches of time, but it's still not safe to leave her with my spouse if he is busy and completely checked out.

The assumption is that your husband would check back in to parent his child.

That's not always possible, which is why people have nannies or use daycare even if they work from home. 🤷‍♀️

That's great for you that this never comes up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It amazes me how quick posters are to jump on only children and their parents. There is zero in OP’s posts that one could use to extrapolate that her kid is not nice to her friends’ siblings - you all are imparting that to OP’s statement that her kid isn’t often invited for playdates. It is really hurtful to those of us with only children to make negative generalizations about us and our kids, espexially since many of us are not in this position by choice (although many are, too, and my comments are equally applicable). I would never, ever make negative statements about other based on their family size, but for some reason there is free reign to dump on families of onlies.

OP, I think this is just a matter of convenience, not anything personal to your daughter. It is usually easier for parents balancing multiple kids’ schedules to just drop their kid at your house. Be glad kids like coming to your house- hopefully that will follow as your daughter ages and you will be grateful to be the house kids want to hang in when your daughter is middle/hs age .

(Also, minor point but multiple posters have criticized her / her kid for not being inclusive to the older sibling at the zoo playdate - OP said that kid was bored! and it is ridiculous to think a 12 yr old could not stay home alone.)

Can you not read? OP specifically complained about her only having to play with younger siblings hanging around AT the other person's house! That her only wants to play with the friend only, not friend plus sibling.

I'm a DP. This was the sentence from the OP:

The friends who have younger siblings always come to the playdates, even though the moms don't even ask if that's okay and it annoys my child to have younger siblings trying to play with her and her friend when they want time together.

I actually read that as the OP's DD getting annoyed that a sibling CAME to the playdate that OP set up.

Yes, and OP dropped and ran, so we don't know if she made the mom stay or not. I think this all comes down to the mom staying during the playdate. I didn't get the impression that the mom dropped off a 7 and 4 year old and left. I got the impression that OP expects parents to stay.

Even if the OP and her daughter are the most amazing, nonjugemental people in the world, and make everyone feel welcome (which they likely don't) -- why would I chose a playdate for my kid that takes my time instead of freeing it? When the kid is 7, it seems odd to hover. And it wouldn't be a big deal but it wouldn't be a bonus, either, to put my kid in a situation with a mother who expects my kid has been raised with a hovering mother. We try to get away from that, not to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like these children with sibling playmates don’t know how to entertain themselves. Sibling goes and they’re nagging their parents? How old are these kids? That’s an underrated skill that parents of one child probably overlook since their kids can do it.

How many posters said that theirs will nag? One?

Most of the time, the other parent is busy, even if at home. My youngest is a preschooler and can play by herself for long stretches of time, but it's still not safe to leave her with my spouse if he is busy and completely checked out.

The assumption is that your husband would check back in to parent his child.

That's not always possible, which is why people have nannies or use daycare even if they work from home. 🤷‍♀️

That's great for you that this never comes up.

1) People NEED day care if they work from home. I have very independent, not high energy kids -- and have worked from home for 15 years. If I didn't have a nanny, it would be irresponsible. I happen to be a woman but it doesn't matter what my gender is. My husband works in a physical office. Unless you are doing something truly mindless, you would be checked out of work in most cases if you expected to take care of kids while WAH regularly.
2) Dad who check when kids are around out do occur, of course. So do mothers. Sometimes, depending on the age/kid, that is fine when the kids are around. It's also healthy to have down time if any gender or parent. OP seems to expect downtime for parents to not occur if it interferes with her child's wants/needs. There's a good argument to say that's no one else's problem besides the OP's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like these children with sibling playmates don’t know how to entertain themselves. Sibling goes and they’re nagging their parents? How old are these kids? That’s an underrated skill that parents of one child probably overlook since their kids can do it.

How many posters said that theirs will nag? One?

Most of the time, the other parent is busy, even if at home. My youngest is a preschooler and can play by herself for long stretches of time, but it's still not safe to leave her with my spouse if he is busy and completely checked out.

The assumption is that your husband would check back in to parent his child.

That's not always possible, which is why people have nannies or use daycare even if they work from home. 🤷‍♀️

That's great for you that this never comes up.

PP here again -- for what it's worth, I have a very involved husband (more than me) AND I work from home and I have daycare. Please don't equate people who WAH without daycare to be parents who are checked out of parenting.


1) People NEED day care if they work from home. I have very independent, not high energy kids -- and have worked from home for 15 years. If I didn't have a nanny, it would be irresponsible. I happen to be a woman but it doesn't matter what my gender is. My husband works in a physical office. Unless you are doing something truly mindless, you would be checked out of work in most cases if you expected to take care of kids while WAH regularly.
2) Dad who check when kids are around out do occur, of course. So do mothers. Sometimes, depending on the age/kid, that is fine when the kids are around. It's also healthy to have down time if any gender or parent. OP seems to expect downtime for parents to not occur if it interferes with her child's wants/needs. There's a good argument to say that's no one else's problem besides the OP's.