I got an email telling me my daughter is a mean girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is tricky. And I'm also suprised your daughter is 17 - this sounds like 13/14 year old behavior.

Was the letter in any way threatening to your daughter? Did it talk about school behavior specifically?

Considering your daughter is 17, and if she's a confident kid that can handle knowing someone doesn't like her enough to do this, I'd consider sharing it with both your daughter and the school admin.

I'd talk to my daughter about bullying/mean girl behavior, and ask her to think about if she's behaving this way to anyone - intentionally or not.

I'd consider responding to the email and pointing out that it's hard to act on this when it's present anonymously, since it takes both parties being involved to resolve this sort of thing. But in the end, I don't think I'd respond at all.

OP here - the email was not at all threatening. It basically just said “I know X. Over the past year, she has treated people horribly. She says untrue things to hurt people and once she decides she doesn’t like someone, she threatens anyone who talks to that person. She gossips about all her friends and she is hurting so many people. I think you should know this because your daughter is hurting so many people. You should know she is like this because one day people aren’t going to put up with her behavior.”

There is another paragraph with some more identifying information that I don’t want to share. The repetition of the “hurting so many people”and just the overall tone of the email seem like a teen texting (to me).

This is pretty awful. OP I don’t know why someone would make this up. I would have some serious discussions with your daughter; this is ugly behavior

That’s just st not how 17 year old means girls operate, though. I agree with pps this sounds like middle school which makes me suspicious. 17 year olds are both less mean and more subtle. I don’t buy it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trust the letter.

Why on earth would you ever trust a weird and anonymous email? I would be much more inclined to believe exactly the opposite.

Really? So if you received an anonymous letter detailing my affair with your DH, you'd assume it weren't the least bit true?

I’m not the PP but I would certainly not assume the letter is true, especially if it is as vague as the letter OP describes. There are no specifics in that email to OP. If I got a letter that vague saying my DH was having an affair, I would be extremely skeptical and probably my first concern would be family safety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is tricky. And I'm also suprised your daughter is 17 - this sounds like 13/14 year old behavior.

Was the letter in any way threatening to your daughter? Did it talk about school behavior specifically?

Considering your daughter is 17, and if she's a confident kid that can handle knowing someone doesn't like her enough to do this, I'd consider sharing it with both your daughter and the school admin.

I'd talk to my daughter about bullying/mean girl behavior, and ask her to think about if she's behaving this way to anyone - intentionally or not.

I'd consider responding to the email and pointing out that it's hard to act on this when it's present anonymously, since it takes both parties being involved to resolve this sort of thing. But in the end, I don't think I'd respond at all.

OP here - the email was not at all threatening. It basically just said “I know X. Over the past year, she has treated people horribly. She says untrue things to hurt people and once she decides she doesn’t like someone, she threatens anyone who talks to that person. She gossips about all her friends and she is hurting so many people. I think you should know this because your daughter is hurting so many people. You should know she is like this because one day people aren’t going to put up with her behavior.”

There is another paragraph with some more identifying information that I don’t want to share. The repetition of the “hurting so many people”and just the overall tone of the email seem like a teen texting (to me).

This is pretty awful. OP I don’t know why someone would make this up. I would have some serious discussions with your daughter; this is ugly behavior

That’s just st not how 17 year old means girls operate, though. I agree with pps this sounds like middle school which makes me suspicious. 17 year olds are both less mean and more subtle. I don’t buy it.

Agreed. This letter sounds like it is from an unstable and unsafe adult to me.

[Anonymous]

OP mentioned that there was a second paragraph of more identifying info. OP, was the second paragraph about a specific event that occured at a class or a practice? Maybe ask your daughter about whatever happened during that event.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would discuss it with your daughter. I don't know why you'd worry about it upsetting her -- as long as you stay empathetic and supportive of her, this is just something she should be able to deal with.

I also think there's a vast difference between being expected to "be everyone's friend" and being expected to treat everyone with kindness, and I'd have a conversation about that. Being popular does in fact come with some responsibilities, and one of them is that your behavior and opinions carry more weight. Even if your daughter does not mean to be gossipy or exclusionary, it can happen very easily. Sometimes teenagers (and adult women) normalize behaviors like talking about other girls when they aren't around, or keeping certain activities "secret" in order to avoid inviting certain people. These are unkind behaviors and there are better ways to handle them. I think you need to be talking with your daughter about what those better ways are.

As is always the case with this subject on DCUM, I remain disappointed in the attitude so many people have that kids who are less popular should simply accept being treated poorly by their peers even if that treatment is unnecessary and harmful.

Personally I’m shocked by the number of people who seem to think that an anonymous creepy email should be taken at face value. It is actually insane to me.

If I responded, the only response I would have is “I do not engage with anonymous correspondents.”

PP here. I am shocked at the imbalance too. Of course the expectation is that your child needs to be kind out in the world, etc., but I think this situation is equally likely to be a personal beef between the daughter and the anonymous letter writer.

My money says the author is a heartbroken parent. OP should take this seriously and not listen to the mean girls on dcum who think this behavior is ok.

Nobody thinks bullying is okay. Sending vaguely threatening anonymous emails is not remotely okay. It is shocking you think it is.

OP never said anything to indicate it was threatening in any way. That was what other posters put on it. And plenty of people are prepared to disregard it and blame the author, which indicates they consider finding out if it is true completely unimportant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“I will not be sharing any anonymous accusations with my daughter. Please find an adult you trust to talk with directly.”

This is perfect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:people are strange. you could be the target of a prank by the actual mean girls. or a jealous catfishing parent. or teacher even.

Do not respond. delete and ignore.

Or....her daughter could be a nightmare of a girl who gets her kicks by tormenting others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really doubt a high schooler would randomly write to a parent if it weren't true. You should take a good look at your kid.

I don’t. Have you met many high school girls? Many — not all — are highly dramatic and attention-seeking. Lying to stir up drama isn’t uncommon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really doubt a high schooler would randomly write to a parent if it weren't true. You should take a good look at your kid.

I don’t. Have you met many high school girls? Many — not all — are highly dramatic and attention-seeking. Lying to stir up drama isn’t uncommon.

Middle school girls yes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:people are strange. you could be the target of a prank by the actual mean girls. or a jealous catfishing parent. or teacher even.

Do not respond. delete and ignore.

Or....her daughter could be a nightmare of a girl who gets her kicks by tormenting others.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe the sender is the mean girl trying to stir up drama? I would probably ask vague social dynamics questions of my kid and if it seems like something is off, probably share the anonymous email with the school counselor. Nothing is truly anonymous. If a kid is sending that kind of message, then the school has a problem they need to address.

Let's walk this through. I'm a teenage mean girl. I want to pick on my "victim" who is popular. My go to move is I anonymously email her parents? That's not very gratifying at all. What does that accomplish exactly?

What? It means I can lie, say whatever I want without being challenged (because it’s anonymous) and get her in trouble with her mom, to “punish” her for perceived slights that may or may not be real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would discuss it with your daughter. I don't know why you'd worry about it upsetting her -- as long as you stay empathetic and supportive of her, this is just something she should be able to deal with.

I also think there's a vast difference between being expected to "be everyone's friend" and being expected to treat everyone with kindness, and I'd have a conversation about that. Being popular does in fact come with some responsibilities, and one of them is that your behavior and opinions carry more weight. Even if your daughter does not mean to be gossipy or exclusionary, it can happen very easily. Sometimes teenagers (and adult women) normalize behaviors like talking about other girls when they aren't around, or keeping certain activities "secret" in order to avoid inviting certain people. These are unkind behaviors and there are better ways to handle them. I think you need to be talking with your daughter about what those better ways are.

As is always the case with this subject on DCUM, I remain disappointed in the attitude so many people have that kids who are less popular should simply accept being treated poorly by their peers even if that treatment is unnecessary and harmful.

Personally I’m shocked by the number of people who seem to think that an anonymous creepy email should be taken at face value. It is actually insane to me.

If I responded, the only response I would have is “I do not engage with anonymous correspondents.”

PP here. I am shocked at the imbalance too. Of course the expectation is that your child needs to be kind out in the world, etc., but I think this situation is equally likely to be a personal beef between the daughter and the anonymous letter writer.

My money says the author is a heartbroken parent. OP should take this seriously and not listen to the mean girls on dcum who think this behavior is ok.

Nobody thinks bullying is okay. Sending vaguely threatening anonymous emails is not remotely okay. It is shocking you think it is.

OP never said anything to indicate it was threatening in any way. That was what other posters put on it. And plenty of people are prepared to disregard it and blame the author, which indicates they consider finding out if it is true completely unimportant.

You can’t read. People are saying that anonymous emails should not be trusted, which is a perfectly reasonable position. It is in fact bizarre to me that you wholeheartedly believe an anonymous creepy-sounding letter.

Do you send people anonymous letters regularly? Is it bothering you that people think that’s untoward and creepy behavior?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really doubt a high schooler would randomly write to a parent if it weren't true. You should take a good look at your kid.

It might not be a question of truth. The writer could be hyper anxious and sensitive and internalize / interpret things as being mean or exclusionary when in fact OP’s daughter is just going about her day not really thinking at all about the letter writer, let along targeting her for abuse. In fact, that is very likely what has happened here.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe the sender is the mean girl trying to stir up drama? I would probably ask vague social dynamics questions of my kid and if it seems like something is off, probably share the anonymous email with the school counselor. Nothing is truly anonymous. If a kid is sending that kind of message, then the school has a problem they need to address.

Let's walk this through. I'm a teenage mean girl. I want to pick on my "victim" who is popular. My go to move is I anonymously email her parents? That's not very gratifying at all. What does that accomplish exactly?

What? It means I can lie, say whatever I want without being challenged (because it’s anonymous) and get her in trouble with her mom, to “punish” her for perceived slights that may or may not be real.

Or worse, it’s a creeper trying to isolate OPs daughter from her mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When DD was 14, in 8th grade & about to change schools for HS, I called her two main bullies’ moms and told them what their daughters were doing. No regrets.

That’s different than sending an anonymous accusatory email, but then, you already knew that.