I got an email telling me my daughter is a mean girl.

[Anonymous]

I would forward it to the school counselor. He or she may be aware of dynamics.

I did have a situation with my daughter (11) being blamed for excluding someone, saying things that made her feel bad, etc. Turns out the blaming child has all kinds of issues with anxiety, has missed so many days of school bc of anxiety issues, etc. I did discuss the situation with my daughter and it was helpful. I did not handle it the best - I wish I had talked to the school team first bc they were already aware of a lot of “issues” with the blaming student. It did really upset my daughter that this student made these accusations and teachers/admin were aware. We have still treated the other child with compassion (has been to our house, had been in my group at school events, etc.). It was helpful to know some background about the blamer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should read this article from Medium.

https://medium.com/family-matters-2/do-you-tell-the-teacher-when-someone-is-mean-to-your-kid-3adeba600f5f

please ignore the email.

This is about 5th graders

OP’s DD is almost an adult, she can handle it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I don’t know what parent WOULDN’T start with a dialogue with their kid and ask them to really be introspective about their behavior. If they have a truly clean conscience move from there. But why wouldn’t you start with a come-to-Jesus?

I don’t expose my child to potential stalkers.

How is telling her about an email “exposure”?

[Anonymous]

OP someone went out of their way to send an anonymous email about your DD TO YOU. Why might that be the case? That’s certainly rare. I think your DD may not be as nice as you think she is.

[Anonymous]

How many people have your email? Was it sent to a publicly available work email? Are you on an email list for any of your DD’s sports or activities? Because if it’s a specific activity, you can start by talking to your DD about the social dynamics of that specific team.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had this happen to my son

I had a meeting with the boy, his mom, the school counselors and my son.

It went like this.

Counselor: Joe do you feel Rob excludes you on recess.
Joe: no Rob like soccer and football, I like to look for bugs.
Rob: I like to look for bugs would you like me to join you sometime
Joe: no not really

End of meeting.

This is a tween/teen forum. I don't think this is analogous to one boy looking for bugs and one boy playing soccer at recess.

It was middle school.

You have recess in middle school and there are kids looking for bugs at that age? That is a whole other post.

Yes. Fast forward many years and the boy has a degree in animal studies and has been to Ecuador / Thai land studying frogs and snakes. He now does research.

Ahh, this makes sense. Your experience raising children is antiquated.

[Anonymous]

OP at your DD’s age you should be able to have a mature conversation with her about this email. If she was 10, I wouldn’t mention it to her. Is she a junior or senior? If she’s at a private school approach her counselor about this. At a public, they have way bigger fish to fry than this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for your email. I want to discuss this further, but am uncomfortable with it being anonymous. If you are an adult, I would encourage you to reach out, knowing that I will keep your identity confidential, so that I can understand this more fully and try to get to the bottom of this. If you are a kid, can you please consider taking this issue to a trusted adult who can approach me for a discussion? Perhaps a school counselor or parent.

I look forward to hearing more so I can address this, but I can't address it anonymously.

Yes, I think this is perfect.

I agree this is a perfect response. I absolutely would NOT ignore this op. The fact that your daughter is 17 means this is very likely true, it doesn’t sound like something someone is doing as a joke. What the heck do they have to get out of that as a 17 year old? It’s a plea for help. And it’s an opportunity for you as a parent.

Of course I completely understand how as a parent this is hard to imagine. I have a son with ADHD and he has made some poor choices at times with peers, I understand the feeling of disconnect in the boy I know at home. But know that kids and teens like any human can do things you wouldn’t expect if they get themselves in the right situation. I saw you mention you’ve always shared about kindness and inclusion, unfortunately this just doesn’t always mean our kids won’t make glaring mistakes in this area.

And it could be partly a misunderstanding, or someone being sensitive but to me that’s not the point - I would want my daughter to learn and understand that being popular she has power. She needs to understand what that means and looks like. It sucks in a way, sure, that her actions could impact people more than she intends. But it’s part of learning and growing to understand power dynamics. Taking it seriously and getting more information is the right move.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The description of your DD as a popular girl who is frustrated with expectations that she is friends with everyone is sending up red flags for me. Like Gretchen Wieners cluelessly saying I can’t help it that I’m popular.

+1. No one gets emails like this, OP. Your daughter is probably a mean girl and what is being said is probably true. Talk to her about it.

+2, the fact that someone felt the need to send this is a huge red flag. There is some chance that it is being sent by someone who has it out for your DD and is trying to get her unfairly labeled as a mean girl in order to hurt her. But the risk of getting caught pulling something like that is really high (if your DD is both popular and not a mean girl, then other people would back her up and defend her and this would only make the sender look bad). It's far more likely that your DD is actually doing the things alleged in the email, or is participating in a group that does these things, and this person sent the email out of desperation.

Bullying is serious and I would take this seriously and assume there is at least some truth to it, until proven otherwise.

+1 also op initially we were all picturing your daughter as a middle schooler which was very different. You should ignore the earlier responses. The note sounds genuine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really doubt a high schooler would randomly write to a parent if it weren't true. You should take a good look at your kid.

+ 1

See this as a chance to make your teen self-aware and course correct. Do it in a manner that the motivation to be a kind person (or seen as a nice and kind person) comes from the teen herself.

Do not criticize, instead, coach and guide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It could be true, it could also be a mean girl trying to make someone even more miserable

OP here. All possible, but what do I do, now, as the parent and recipient? Because I feel like this is a teen, I feel some responsibility to act on it in some way. I just not sure how.

Don't engage. Whether it's real or just someone that wants to be your DD's friend and isn't don't let an anonymous email sway you Anonymous ID gutless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trust the letter.

Why on earth would you ever trust a weird and anonymous email? I would be much more inclined to believe exactly the opposite.

Really? So if you received an anonymous letter detailing my affair with your DH, you'd assume it weren't the least bit true?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP someone went out of their way to send an anonymous email about your DD TO YOU. Why might that be the case? That’s certainly rare. I think your DD may not be as nice as you think she is.

Or OPs daughter has caught the eye of someone unstable and unsafe and obsessed, which is what it sounds like to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for your email. I want to discuss this further, but am uncomfortable with it being anonymous. If you are an adult, I would encourage you to reach out, knowing that I will keep your identity confidential, so that I can understand this more fully and try to get to the bottom of this. If you are a kid, can you please consider taking this issue to a trusted adult who can approach me for a discussion? Perhaps a school counselor or parent.

I look forward to hearing more so I can address this, but I can't address it anonymously.

Yes, I think this is perfect.

I agree this is a perfect response. I absolutely would NOT ignore this op. The fact that your daughter is 17 means this is very likely true, it doesn’t sound like something someone is doing as a joke. What the heck do they have to get out of that as a 17 year old? It’s a plea for help. And it’s an opportunity for you as a parent.

Of course I completely understand how as a parent this is hard to imagine. I have a son with ADHD and he has made some poor choices at times with peers, I understand the feeling of disconnect in the boy I know at home. But know that kids and teens like any human can do things you wouldn’t expect if they get themselves in the right situation. I saw you mention you’ve always shared about kindness and inclusion, unfortunately this just doesn’t always mean our kids won’t make glaring mistakes in this area.

And it could be partly a misunderstanding, or someone being sensitive but to me that’s not the point - I would want my daughter to learn and understand that being popular she has power. She needs to understand what that means and looks like. It sucks in a way, sure, that her actions could impact people more than she intends. But it’s part of learning and growing to understand power dynamics. Taking it seriously and getting more information is the right move.

+3 OP this response covers all the bases.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Show your daughter the email address. Maybe she'll recognize the person and you can get her side of the story. If she doesn't recognize the person I would have a general talk on kindness, inclusivity, one-sided friendships, and rumors. But it does sound odd that this kid got your email.

This is the stupidest answer on this thread.

How is my idea stupid? If my daughter is being stalked, I would want her to know and be aware. OP's kid is 17 and can drive.

I'm not on OP's daughter's side. I was badly bullied in middle school, and I know how the social dynamics can be. OP, you mentioned that you teach your daughter to "be kind." Your daughter shouldn't just be kind. Unless she has an actual reason not to hang out with the person ("Larla gossips about everyone" is a reason for example) she needs to be inclusive. That doesn't mean inviting them to her house and going to the mall to them-that means not treating them like the odd one out when the teacher assigns groups or when someone asks to sit with her at lunch. OP should work with her daughter about stepping out of her bubble and trying to reach out to others.