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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][b]I really think she means well.[/b] But she places much higher value on social capital. She says for the kids and for their own rise in the social standings, which I get. But[b] I still lean more toward teaching them to lean on a crutch like simply writing down the lyrics to a song to help calm down like I did in JHS. 
[/b]
There is a balance where these crutches are rude and socially awkward and that can be the problem. I counter with you have to measure that with the environment and the expectation and outcome. If solving a Rubik's cube helps me before a family function, then what's the harm? And its a novelty. If he's going to just sit in the corner and solve and not be social then that's a problem.

[b]I try and be social, but I make dumb mistakes [/b]and instead of cursing or getting angry or wanting to leave, I'll try to get something to help me relax my anxiety, but she thinks these things are rude.

I think the balance is that I'm saying that any pulling out of my phone is not allowed (by her) and she's saying that all I'm going to do is is sit in the corner on my phone / doing puzzles / writing / whatever.

[b]I am not observant of my own behavior, I only know my emotions and how nervous I am in these settings.[/b] So when she points out that I was rude it stings because I'm reminded of how nervous I was and she ignores that and I try to remind her but she ignores that because its irrelevant. Or maybe not, we'll see. [/quote]

It sounds like you want/need her to give you feedback on your social interactions, but are extremely upset by any negative feedback or advice.  You need a solo therapist to deal with the social anxiety and not to make it her job.  I agree with upthread PP that none of this sounds like she doesn't like you, it sounds like you're ruminating on what you perceive as criticism and making it personal.  Which makes perfect sense given the extreme social anxiety you're describing, but it's not her fault.[/quote]

[b]It’s just as possible that the quirks she found adorable in the early days of their relationship have become embarrassing for her as a social adult with perhaps her own social hangups.[/b]  It’s also possible that her innate negativity or cynicism has gotten worse with older age.  There can be many different things going on at the same time, and perhaps both have some work to do on themselves.

OP, kindly, have you considered an assessment for anxiety and ADHD, or perhaps another type of neurodiversity?  Some of what you describe sounds like a combination of nerves and ADHD which can be greatly alleviated with medication.  It might be worth exploring.  If you suspect your wife’s negative comments stem from sadness, perhaps encourage her to pursue individual therapy and perhaps a screening for depression as well, if there is a way to express that to her so she understands it’s a caring suggestion and not a negative comment…[/quote]

Came here to say exactly this. I feel like this about DH (different issues than OP). I knew about some of it going into our relationship but what's cute or funny in your 20s with a group of friends is different as 40yo adults meeting neighbors, colleagues, parents of kid's friends etc. Just being sort of appealing and mainstream feels more important even if that's a narrow-minded way of looking at things.[/quote]

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