DH (WH) about to be hospitalized for suicide ideation- what do I need to know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is horrifying.

1 - it is difficult to just “check yourself into the hospital” for any reason but especially mental health reasons. You can’t just walk into Suburban Hospital and say “I’m feeling suicidal today, I’ll take a room with a view.” People who actually need to be hospitalized wait for days. Everyone saying “just go to the hospital” has clearly never been in the position of trying to get their partner or child hospitalized for mental health reasons.

2 - I’m all about supporting women prioritizing their own careers but if a friend told me that she needed me to take care of her very young children so she could go on a business trip while her husband was in the hospital, I would do it, but I would judge the hell out of her for abandoning her young children with an adult stranger so she could go to a meeting. Choose your children here. The meeting can wait.

3 - it is always appropriate to take suicidality seriously. Particularly in men, who are statistically more likely to complete suicide if they attempt. I get that most of you think this is affair-related manipulation, but this person is not stable and that should be taken seriously even if it is believed to be manipulative. The alternatives are her children’s father being dead and her having to explain that she thought he was just being manipulative and didn’t want to lose her promotion. This is not a conversation I personally would be willing to have with my children. It really sounds like most of you have spent way ton much time on message boards related to infidelity such that it’s made you forget how to be decent human beings. It’s gross.

SO AGREE with number two.

Number 2 - “Larla, you have been my best friend forever and I have a huge favor to ask you. Johnny has been cheating on me for a long time. We were doing marital therapy and seemed to be working through it, but recently he has been working a lot and sleeping very little and has slipped into a serious depression. I am working with his family to get him help, but that is a long process. I’m really worried for him, but I’m also really worried about my job. You know how I just got that new promotion? I was so hopeful that it would be a step to earning more money and being on a better financial and career path, which seems so important now that it is huge uncertainty whether Johnny and I stay together or even whether he is mentally stable enough to work. But as part of the new job, I have to travel to a meeting. I don’t think leaving the kids alone with Johnny is safe while he is in this condition. Johnny agreed to stay with his parents while I am gone, but I think it is too much for them to look after him and the kids as well. Is there any way you could take the kids for a week while I’m gone? I can help out by making some meals in advance and getting a babysitter to help. I wouldn’t ask if I wasn’t really worried.”

If I said this to any one of my best friends or if any one of my kid’s best friend’s parents said this to me, I would say yes in a hot second. And I wouldn’t judge. I would only think “there but for the grace of God go I.”. (And I would also tell them not to worry about meals, babysitters or anything else.)

Do you guys not have any real friends?

Are you really saying you are not capable of being that kind of friend?

Women are taken for granted as caregivers in society - of kids, of husbands and of the elderly. We are not paid or supported in anyway for fulfilling the obligations/expectations that society places on us in this respect. In fact, we are actively punished socially when we decline to personally fulfill these responsibilities by providing for alternative care. This has a real impact on our income and work opportunities, which ripples out to impact retirement and healthcare. This is one reason why women have a higher rate of poverty.

I for one am not going to be the kind of woman that socially reinforces that cycle by stigmatizing, policing and isolating my female friends as “bad mothers” or “bad wives” if they make a choice to bolster their career, especially if they have kids to support and a husband who looks like he may not be able to contribute much. And that is exactly what you are doing PP when you describe the idea of OP going on her business trip as “abandoning her children” by “going to a meeting.”.

She would not be abandoning her children; she would be working to secure her future as a mother/provider and thus securing their future as well.

Honest to God, sometimes women are their own worst enemy.

Perfect. This.

YES! Women can not win. There are a lot of men who would take that trip because you know it's their "job".

Exactly, it's a job. It's not your life, it's not your family, and it sure as hell shouldn't be your identity that infringes on the health and safety of your family. People downplaying this are insane.

People downplaying the reality of needing a stable income esp if DH is not capable of working for a time and in the likelihood of divorce are INSANE and unrealistic.

Getting DH care and to a safe place is all OP can do in that regard anyway. If the kids are safe and looked after, keeping income coming in is where she does have to focus. To NOT do so is insane.

The choice is not OP goes on this trip and keeps her job/income or OP doesn't go and their family goes broke.

I think OP is in a much better place to judge what happens at her workplace if she doesn’t go on this trip than any of us on this board. We can all hope that she can make a decision without feeling like her career is on the line. But it is massive projection for any of us to pretend we have a clue what her workplace is like. And I do think women have to be practical about maintaining income when their spouse/marriage is falling apart.

[Anonymous]

OP, I hope you and your family are safe and I hope you were able to come to a decision on the work trip that you're comfortable with.

I have to say, I raised an eyebrow at "white lie" in your original post. I hope you're not minimizing dishonesty about something that's important. In fact, I would think that after an affair any kind of dishonesty would kill a chance at rebuilding trust.

[Anonymous]

This will be a long road, OP. I have been there and it is horrible. It has taken years for my dh to be stable and about twice a year, he is bed ridden depressed. It is an awful existence.
Take the trip and consider your options.
I wish I left. The impact of my spouse being depressed on everyone has been too much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is horrifying.

1 - it is difficult to just “check yourself into the hospital” for any reason but especially mental health reasons. You can’t just walk into Suburban Hospital and say “I’m feeling suicidal today, I’ll take a room with a view.” People who actually need to be hospitalized wait for days. Everyone saying “just go to the hospital” has clearly never been in the position of trying to get their partner or child hospitalized for mental health reasons.

2 - I’m all about supporting women prioritizing their own careers but if a friend told me that she needed me to take care of her very young children so she could go on a business trip while her husband was in the hospital, I would do it, but I would judge the hell out of her for abandoning her young children with an adult stranger so she could go to a meeting. Choose your children here. The meeting can wait.

3 - it is always appropriate to take suicidality seriously. Particularly in men, who are statistically more likely to complete suicide if they attempt. I get that most of you think this is affair-related manipulation, but this person is not stable and that should be taken seriously even if it is believed to be manipulative. The alternatives are her children’s father being dead and her having to explain that she thought he was just being manipulative and didn’t want to lose her promotion. This is not a conversation I personally would be willing to have with my children. It really sounds like most of you have spent way ton much time on message boards related to infidelity such that it’s made you forget how to be decent human beings. It’s gross.

SO AGREE with number two.

Number 2 - “Larla, you have been my best friend forever and I have a huge favor to ask you. Johnny has been cheating on me for a long time. We were doing marital therapy and seemed to be working through it, but recently he has been working a lot and sleeping very little and has slipped into a serious depression. I am working with his family to get him help, but that is a long process. I’m really worried for him, but I’m also really worried about my job. You know how I just got that new promotion? I was so hopeful that it would be a step to earning more money and being on a better financial and career path, which seems so important now that it is huge uncertainty whether Johnny and I stay together or even whether he is mentally stable enough to work. But as part of the new job, I have to travel to a meeting. I don’t think leaving the kids alone with Johnny is safe while he is in this condition. Johnny agreed to stay with his parents while I am gone, but I think it is too much for them to look after him and the kids as well. Is there any way you could take the kids for a week while I’m gone? I can help out by making some meals in advance and getting a babysitter to help. I wouldn’t ask if I wasn’t really worried.”

If I said this to any one of my best friends or if any one of my kid’s best friend’s parents said this to me, I would say yes in a hot second. And I wouldn’t judge. I would only think “there but for the grace of God go I.”. (And I would also tell them not to worry about meals, babysitters or anything else.)

Do you guys not have any real friends?

Are you really saying you are not capable of being that kind of friend?

Women are taken for granted as caregivers in society - of kids, of husbands and of the elderly. We are not paid or supported in anyway for fulfilling the obligations/expectations that society places on us in this respect. In fact, we are actively punished socially when we decline to personally fulfill these responsibilities by providing for alternative care. This has a real impact on our income and work opportunities, which ripples out to impact retirement and healthcare. This is one reason why women have a higher rate of poverty.

I for one am not going to be the kind of woman that socially reinforces that cycle by stigmatizing, policing and isolating my female friends as “bad mothers” or “bad wives” if they make a choice to bolster their career, especially if they have kids to support and a husband who looks like he may not be able to contribute much. And that is exactly what you are doing PP when you describe the idea of OP going on her business trip as “abandoning her children” by “going to a meeting.”.

She would not be abandoning her children; she would be working to secure her future as a mother/provider and thus securing their future as well.

Honest to God, sometimes women are their own worst enemy.

Perfect. This.

YES! Women can not win. There are a lot of men who would take that trip because you know it's their "job".

Exactly, it's a job. It's not your life, it's not your family, and it sure as hell shouldn't be your identity that infringes on the health and safety of your family. People downplaying this are insane.

People downplaying the reality of needing a stable income esp if DH is not capable of working for a time and in the likelihood of divorce are INSANE and unrealistic.

Getting DH care and to a safe place is all OP can do in that regard anyway. If the kids are safe and looked after, keeping income coming in is where she does have to focus. To NOT do so is insane.

The choice is not OP goes on this trip and keeps her job/income or OP doesn't go and their family goes broke.

How long do you think a MC family makes it without 65% of their income? Especially if she has to move the health benefits to her employer? The “backs out of a business trip the first time she’s asked to do something post-promotion” person is a prime target either for layoffs or (more insidiously) to overlook for future advancement.

+1. The PPs advising OP to refuse the work trip reek of privilege and security. OP, if you have an EaL at work, see what kind of support you can get arranging for medical and child care.

[Anonymous]

I still think he’s playing you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is horrifying.

1 - it is difficult to just “check yourself into the hospital” for any reason but especially mental health reasons. You can’t just walk into Suburban Hospital and say “I’m feeling suicidal today, I’ll take a room with a view.” People who actually need to be hospitalized wait for days. Everyone saying “just go to the hospital” has clearly never been in the position of trying to get their partner or child hospitalized for mental health reasons.

2 - I’m all about supporting women prioritizing their own careers but if a friend told me that she needed me to take care of her very young children so she could go on a business trip while her husband was in the hospital, I would do it, but I would judge the hell out of her for abandoning her young children with an adult stranger so she could go to a meeting. Choose your children here. The meeting can wait.

3 - it is always appropriate to take suicidality seriously. Particularly in men, who are statistically more likely to complete suicide if they attempt. I get that most of you think this is affair-related manipulation, but this person is not stable and that should be taken seriously even if it is believed to be manipulative. The alternatives are her children’s father being dead and her having to explain that she thought he was just being manipulative and didn’t want to lose her promotion. This is not a conversation I personally would be willing to have with my children. It really sounds like most of you have spent way ton much time on message boards related to infidelity such that it’s made you forget how to be decent human beings. It’s gross.

SO AGREE with number two.

Number 2 - “Larla, you have been my best friend forever and I have a huge favor to ask you. Johnny has been cheating on me for a long time. We were doing marital therapy and seemed to be working through it, but recently he has been working a lot and sleeping very little and has slipped into a serious depression. I am working with his family to get him help, but that is a long process. I’m really worried for him, but I’m also really worried about my job. You know how I just got that new promotion? I was so hopeful that it would be a step to earning more money and being on a better financial and career path, which seems so important now that it is huge uncertainty whether Johnny and I stay together or even whether he is mentally stable enough to work. But as part of the new job, I have to travel to a meeting. I don’t think leaving the kids alone with Johnny is safe while he is in this condition. Johnny agreed to stay with his parents while I am gone, but I think it is too much for them to look after him and the kids as well. Is there any way you could take the kids for a week while I’m gone? I can help out by making some meals in advance and getting a babysitter to help. I wouldn’t ask if I wasn’t really worried.”

If I said this to any one of my best friends or if any one of my kid’s best friend’s parents said this to me, I would say yes in a hot second. And I wouldn’t judge. I would only think “there but for the grace of God go I.”. (And I would also tell them not to worry about meals, babysitters or anything else.)

Do you guys not have any real friends?

Are you really saying you are not capable of being that kind of friend?

Women are taken for granted as caregivers in society - of kids, of husbands and of the elderly. We are not paid or supported in anyway for fulfilling the obligations/expectations that society places on us in this respect. In fact, we are actively punished socially when we decline to personally fulfill these responsibilities by providing for alternative care. This has a real impact on our income and work opportunities, which ripples out to impact retirement and healthcare. This is one reason why women have a higher rate of poverty.

I for one am not going to be the kind of woman that socially reinforces that cycle by stigmatizing, policing and isolating my female friends as “bad mothers” or “bad wives” if they make a choice to bolster their career, especially if they have kids to support and a husband who looks like he may not be able to contribute much. And that is exactly what you are doing PP when you describe the idea of OP going on her business trip as “abandoning her children” by “going to a meeting.”.

She would not be abandoning her children; she would be working to secure her future as a mother/provider and thus securing their future as well.

Honest to God, sometimes women are their own worst enemy.

Perfect. This.

YES! Women can not win. There are a lot of men who would take that trip because you know it's their "job".

Exactly, it's a job. It's not your life, it's not your family, and it sure as hell shouldn't be your identity that infringes on the health and safety of your family. People downplaying this are insane.

This DH would no question go on his business trip. He just burnt himself out by working so much (supposedly). He didn't think about preserving any of his energy in order to keep functioning on the home front.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is horrifying.

1 - it is difficult to just “check yourself into the hospital” for any reason but especially mental health reasons. You can’t just walk into Suburban Hospital and say “I’m feeling suicidal today, I’ll take a room with a view.” People who actually need to be hospitalized wait for days. Everyone saying “just go to the hospital” has clearly never been in the position of trying to get their partner or child hospitalized for mental health reasons.

2 - I’m all about supporting women prioritizing their own careers but if a friend told me that she needed me to take care of her very young children so she could go on a business trip while her husband was in the hospital, I would do it, but I would judge the hell out of her for abandoning her young children with an adult stranger so she could go to a meeting. Choose your children here. The meeting can wait.

3 - it is always appropriate to take suicidality seriously. Particularly in men, who are statistically more likely to complete suicide if they attempt. I get that most of you think this is affair-related manipulation, but this person is not stable and that should be taken seriously even if it is believed to be manipulative. The alternatives are her children’s father being dead and her having to explain that she thought he was just being manipulative and didn’t want to lose her promotion. This is not a conversation I personally would be willing to have with my children. It really sounds like most of you have spent way ton much time on message boards related to infidelity such that it’s made you forget how to be decent human beings. It’s gross.

SO AGREE with number two.

Number 2 - “Larla, you have been my best friend forever and I have a huge favor to ask you. Johnny has been cheating on me for a long time. We were doing marital therapy and seemed to be working through it, but recently he has been working a lot and sleeping very little and has slipped into a serious depression. I am working with his family to get him help, but that is a long process. I’m really worried for him, but I’m also really worried about my job. You know how I just got that new promotion? I was so hopeful that it would be a step to earning more money and being on a better financial and career path, which seems so important now that it is huge uncertainty whether Johnny and I stay together or even whether he is mentally stable enough to work. But as part of the new job, I have to travel to a meeting. I don’t think leaving the kids alone with Johnny is safe while he is in this condition. Johnny agreed to stay with his parents while I am gone, but I think it is too much for them to look after him and the kids as well. Is there any way you could take the kids for a week while I’m gone? I can help out by making some meals in advance and getting a babysitter to help. I wouldn’t ask if I wasn’t really worried.”

If I said this to any one of my best friends or if any one of my kid’s best friend’s parents said this to me, I would say yes in a hot second. And I wouldn’t judge. I would only think “there but for the grace of God go I.”. (And I would also tell them not to worry about meals, babysitters or anything else.)

Do you guys not have any real friends?

Are you really saying you are not capable of being that kind of friend?

Women are taken for granted as caregivers in society - of kids, of husbands and of the elderly. We are not paid or supported in anyway for fulfilling the obligations/expectations that society places on us in this respect. In fact, we are actively punished socially when we decline to personally fulfill these responsibilities by providing for alternative care. This has a real impact on our income and work opportunities, which ripples out to impact retirement and healthcare. This is one reason why women have a higher rate of poverty.

I for one am not going to be the kind of woman that socially reinforces that cycle by stigmatizing, policing and isolating my female friends as “bad mothers” or “bad wives” if they make a choice to bolster their career, especially if they have kids to support and a husband who looks like he may not be able to contribute much. And that is exactly what you are doing PP when you describe the idea of OP going on her business trip as “abandoning her children” by “going to a meeting.”.

She would not be abandoning her children; she would be working to secure her future as a mother/provider and thus securing their future as well.

Honest to God, sometimes women are their own worst enemy.

Perfect. This.

YES! Women can not win. There are a lot of men who would take that trip because you know it's their "job".

Exactly, it's a job. It's not your life, it's not your family, and it sure as hell shouldn't be your identity that infringes on the health and safety of your family. People downplaying this are insane.

People downplaying the reality of needing a stable income esp if DH is not capable of working for a time and in the likelihood of divorce are INSANE and unrealistic.

Getting DH care and to a safe place is all OP can do in that regard anyway. If the kids are safe and looked after, keeping income coming in is where she does have to focus. To NOT do so is insane.

The choice is not OP goes on this trip and keeps her job/income or OP doesn't go and their family goes broke.

How long do you think a MC family makes it without 65% of their income? Especially if she has to move the health benefits to her employer? The “backs out of a business trip the first time she’s asked to do something post-promotion” person is a prime target either for layoffs or (more insidiously) to overlook for future advancement.

+1. The PPs advising OP to refuse the work trip reek of privilege and security. OP, if you have an EaL at work, see what kind of support you can get arranging for medical and child care.

Please. It’s just as privileged to assume the OP would have capable, affordable back-up care available at the drop of a hat. Any company that would punish the OP for not going on the business trip in these circumstances isn’t going to be feasible for a single parent.

[Anonymous]

Haven't read the whole thread but sounds like DH is sabotaging your career

He's fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is horrifying.

1 - it is difficult to just “check yourself into the hospital” for any reason but especially mental health reasons. You can’t just walk into Suburban Hospital and say “I’m feeling suicidal today, I’ll take a room with a view.” People who actually need to be hospitalized wait for days. Everyone saying “just go to the hospital” has clearly never been in the position of trying to get their partner or child hospitalized for mental health reasons.

2 - I’m all about supporting women prioritizing their own careers but if a friend told me that she needed me to take care of her very young children so she could go on a business trip while her husband was in the hospital, I would do it, but I would judge the hell out of her for abandoning her young children with an adult stranger so she could go to a meeting. Choose your children here. The meeting can wait.

3 - it is always appropriate to take suicidality seriously. Particularly in men, who are statistically more likely to complete suicide if they attempt. I get that most of you think this is affair-related manipulation, but this person is not stable and that should be taken seriously even if it is believed to be manipulative. The alternatives are her children’s father being dead and her having to explain that she thought he was just being manipulative and didn’t want to lose her promotion. This is not a conversation I personally would be willing to have with my children. It really sounds like most of you have spent way ton much time on message boards related to infidelity such that it’s made you forget how to be decent human beings. It’s gross.

SO AGREE with number two.

Number 2 - “Larla, you have been my best friend forever and I have a huge favor to ask you. Johnny has been cheating on me for a long time. We were doing marital therapy and seemed to be working through it, but recently he has been working a lot and sleeping very little and has slipped into a serious depression. I am working with his family to get him help, but that is a long process. I’m really worried for him, but I’m also really worried about my job. You know how I just got that new promotion? I was so hopeful that it would be a step to earning more money and being on a better financial and career path, which seems so important now that it is huge uncertainty whether Johnny and I stay together or even whether he is mentally stable enough to work. But as part of the new job, I have to travel to a meeting. I don’t think leaving the kids alone with Johnny is safe while he is in this condition. Johnny agreed to stay with his parents while I am gone, but I think it is too much for them to look after him and the kids as well. Is there any way you could take the kids for a week while I’m gone? I can help out by making some meals in advance and getting a babysitter to help. I wouldn’t ask if I wasn’t really worried.”

If I said this to any one of my best friends or if any one of my kid’s best friend’s parents said this to me, I would say yes in a hot second. And I wouldn’t judge. I would only think “there but for the grace of God go I.”. (And I would also tell them not to worry about meals, babysitters or anything else.)

Do you guys not have any real friends?

Are you really saying you are not capable of being that kind of friend?

Women are taken for granted as caregivers in society - of kids, of husbands and of the elderly. We are not paid or supported in anyway for fulfilling the obligations/expectations that society places on us in this respect. In fact, we are actively punished socially when we decline to personally fulfill these responsibilities by providing for alternative care. This has a real impact on our income and work opportunities, which ripples out to impact retirement and healthcare. This is one reason why women have a higher rate of poverty.

I for one am not going to be the kind of woman that socially reinforces that cycle by stigmatizing, policing and isolating my female friends as “bad mothers” or “bad wives” if they make a choice to bolster their career, especially if they have kids to support and a husband who looks like he may not be able to contribute much. And that is exactly what you are doing PP when you describe the idea of OP going on her business trip as “abandoning her children” by “going to a meeting.”.

She would not be abandoning her children; she would be working to secure her future as a mother/provider and thus securing their future as well.

Honest to God, sometimes women are their own worst enemy.

Perfect. This.

YES! Women can not win. There are a lot of men who would take that trip because you know it's their "job".

Exactly, it's a job. It's not your life, it's not your family, and it sure as hell shouldn't be your identity that infringes on the health and safety of your family. People downplaying this are insane.

People downplaying the reality of needing a stable income esp if DH is not capable of working for a time and in the likelihood of divorce are INSANE and unrealistic.

Getting DH care and to a safe place is all OP can do in that regard anyway. If the kids are safe and looked after, keeping income coming in is where she does have to focus. To NOT do so is insane.

The choice is not OP goes on this trip and keeps her job/income or OP doesn't go and their family goes broke.

How long do you think a MC family makes it without 65% of their income? Especially if she has to move the health benefits to her employer? The “backs out of a business trip the first time she’s asked to do something post-promotion” person is a prime target either for layoffs or (more insidiously) to overlook for future advancement.

+1. The PPs advising OP to refuse the work trip reek of privilege and security. OP, if you have an EaL at work, see what kind of support you can get arranging for medical and child care.

I guess it depends on what you do. I learned long ago that you are a lot more likely to look bad at work if you screw something up when you push yourself to come in when you aren’t thinking clearly than you are to be remembered for taking a day or two off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is horrifying.

1 - it is difficult to just “check yourself into the hospital” for any reason but especially mental health reasons. You can’t just walk into Suburban Hospital and say “I’m feeling suicidal today, I’ll take a room with a view.” People who actually need to be hospitalized wait for days. Everyone saying “just go to the hospital” has clearly never been in the position of trying to get their partner or child hospitalized for mental health reasons.

2 - I’m all about supporting women prioritizing their own careers but if a friend told me that she needed me to take care of her very young children so she could go on a business trip while her husband was in the hospital, I would do it, but I would judge the hell out of her for abandoning her young children with an adult stranger so she could go to a meeting. Choose your children here. The meeting can wait.

3 - it is always appropriate to take suicidality seriously. Particularly in men, who are statistically more likely to complete suicide if they attempt. I get that most of you think this is affair-related manipulation, but this person is not stable and that should be taken seriously even if it is believed to be manipulative. The alternatives are her children’s father being dead and her having to explain that she thought he was just being manipulative and didn’t want to lose her promotion. This is not a conversation I personally would be willing to have with my children. It really sounds like most of you have spent way ton much time on message boards related to infidelity such that it’s made you forget how to be decent human beings. It’s gross.

SO AGREE with number two.

Number 2 - “Larla, you have been my best friend forever and I have a huge favor to ask you. Johnny has been cheating on me for a long time. We were doing marital therapy and seemed to be working through it, but recently he has been working a lot and sleeping very little and has slipped into a serious depression. I am working with his family to get him help, but that is a long process. I’m really worried for him, but I’m also really worried about my job. You know how I just got that new promotion? I was so hopeful that it would be a step to earning more money and being on a better financial and career path, which seems so important now that it is huge uncertainty whether Johnny and I stay together or even whether he is mentally stable enough to work. But as part of the new job, I have to travel to a meeting. I don’t think leaving the kids alone with Johnny is safe while he is in this condition. Johnny agreed to stay with his parents while I am gone, but I think it is too much for them to look after him and the kids as well. Is there any way you could take the kids for a week while I’m gone? I can help out by making some meals in advance and getting a babysitter to help. I wouldn’t ask if I wasn’t really worried.”

If I said this to any one of my best friends or if any one of my kid’s best friend’s parents said this to me, I would say yes in a hot second. And I wouldn’t judge. I would only think “there but for the grace of God go I.”. (And I would also tell them not to worry about meals, babysitters or anything else.)

Do you guys not have any real friends?

Are you really saying you are not capable of being that kind of friend?

Women are taken for granted as caregivers in society - of kids, of husbands and of the elderly. We are not paid or supported in anyway for fulfilling the obligations/expectations that society places on us in this respect. In fact, we are actively punished socially when we decline to personally fulfill these responsibilities by providing for alternative care. This has a real impact on our income and work opportunities, which ripples out to impact retirement and healthcare. This is one reason why women have a higher rate of poverty.

I for one am not going to be the kind of woman that socially reinforces that cycle by stigmatizing, policing and isolating my female friends as “bad mothers” or “bad wives” if they make a choice to bolster their career, especially if they have kids to support and a husband who looks like he may not be able to contribute much. And that is exactly what you are doing PP when you describe the idea of OP going on her business trip as “abandoning her children” by “going to a meeting.”.

She would not be abandoning her children; she would be working to secure her future as a mother/provider and thus securing their future as well.

Honest to God, sometimes women are their own worst enemy.

Perfect. This.

YES! Women can not win. There are a lot of men who would take that trip because you know it's their "job".

Exactly, it's a job. It's not your life, it's not your family, and it sure as hell shouldn't be your identity that infringes on the health and safety of your family. People downplaying this are insane.

People downplaying the reality of needing a stable income esp if DH is not capable of working for a time and in the likelihood of divorce are INSANE and unrealistic.

Getting DH care and to a safe place is all OP can do in that regard anyway. If the kids are safe and looked after, keeping income coming in is where she does have to focus. To NOT do so is insane.

The choice is not OP goes on this trip and keeps her job/income or OP doesn't go and their family goes broke.

How long do you think a MC family makes it without 65% of their income? Especially if she has to move the health benefits to her employer? The “backs out of a business trip the first time she’s asked to do something post-promotion” person is a prime target either for layoffs or (more insidiously) to overlook for future advancement.

+1. The PPs advising OP to refuse the work trip reek of privilege and security. OP, if you have an EaL at work, see what kind of support you can get arranging for medical and child care.

Please. It’s just as privileged to assume the OP would have capable, affordable back-up care available at the drop of a hat. Any company that would punish the OP for not going on the business trip in these circumstances isn’t going to be feasible for a single parent.

It’s going to be a lot more feasible than…nothing. You do realize she doesn’t get to shop around right now for an employer that will accommodate her challenging home environment and that finding a new position under these circumstances would likely be impossible? People aren’t bending over backward trying to accommodate women with challenges at home if that’s news to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is horrifying.

1 - it is difficult to just “check yourself into the hospital” for any reason but especially mental health reasons. You can’t just walk into Suburban Hospital and say “I’m feeling suicidal today, I’ll take a room with a view.” People who actually need to be hospitalized wait for days. Everyone saying “just go to the hospital” has clearly never been in the position of trying to get their partner or child hospitalized for mental health reasons.

2 - I’m all about supporting women prioritizing their own careers but if a friend told me that she needed me to take care of her very young children so she could go on a business trip while her husband was in the hospital, I would do it, but I would judge the hell out of her for abandoning her young children with an adult stranger so she could go to a meeting. Choose your children here. The meeting can wait.

3 - it is always appropriate to take suicidality seriously. Particularly in men, who are statistically more likely to complete suicide if they attempt. I get that most of you think this is affair-related manipulation, but this person is not stable and that should be taken seriously even if it is believed to be manipulative. The alternatives are her children’s father being dead and her having to explain that she thought he was just being manipulative and didn’t want to lose her promotion. This is not a conversation I personally would be willing to have with my children. It really sounds like most of you have spent way ton much time on message boards related to infidelity such that it’s made you forget how to be decent human beings. It’s gross.

SO AGREE with number two.

Number 2 - “Larla, you have been my best friend forever and I have a huge favor to ask you. Johnny has been cheating on me for a long time. We were doing marital therapy and seemed to be working through it, but recently he has been working a lot and sleeping very little and has slipped into a serious depression. I am working with his family to get him help, but that is a long process. I’m really worried for him, but I’m also really worried about my job. You know how I just got that new promotion? I was so hopeful that it would be a step to earning more money and being on a better financial and career path, which seems so important now that it is huge uncertainty whether Johnny and I stay together or even whether he is mentally stable enough to work. But as part of the new job, I have to travel to a meeting. I don’t think leaving the kids alone with Johnny is safe while he is in this condition. Johnny agreed to stay with his parents while I am gone, but I think it is too much for them to look after him and the kids as well. Is there any way you could take the kids for a week while I’m gone? I can help out by making some meals in advance and getting a babysitter to help. I wouldn’t ask if I wasn’t really worried.”

If I said this to any one of my best friends or if any one of my kid’s best friend’s parents said this to me, I would say yes in a hot second. And I wouldn’t judge. I would only think “there but for the grace of God go I.”. (And I would also tell them not to worry about meals, babysitters or anything else.)

Do you guys not have any real friends?

Are you really saying you are not capable of being that kind of friend?

Women are taken for granted as caregivers in society - of kids, of husbands and of the elderly. We are not paid or supported in anyway for fulfilling the obligations/expectations that society places on us in this respect. In fact, we are actively punished socially when we decline to personally fulfill these responsibilities by providing for alternative care. This has a real impact on our income and work opportunities, which ripples out to impact retirement and healthcare. This is one reason why women have a higher rate of poverty.

I for one am not going to be the kind of woman that socially reinforces that cycle by stigmatizing, policing and isolating my female friends as “bad mothers” or “bad wives” if they make a choice to bolster their career, especially if they have kids to support and a husband who looks like he may not be able to contribute much. And that is exactly what you are doing PP when you describe the idea of OP going on her business trip as “abandoning her children” by “going to a meeting.”.

She would not be abandoning her children; she would be working to secure her future as a mother/provider and thus securing their future as well.

Honest to God, sometimes women are their own worst enemy.

Perfect. This.

YES! Women can not win. There are a lot of men who would take that trip because you know it's their "job".

Exactly, it's a job. It's not your life, it's not your family, and it sure as hell shouldn't be your identity that infringes on the health and safety of your family. People downplaying this are insane.

People downplaying the reality of needing a stable income esp if DH is not capable of working for a time and in the likelihood of divorce are INSANE and unrealistic.

Getting DH care and to a safe place is all OP can do in that regard anyway. If the kids are safe and looked after, keeping income coming in is where she does have to focus. To NOT do so is insane.

The choice is not OP goes on this trip and keeps her job/income or OP doesn't go and their family goes broke.

How long do you think a MC family makes it without 65% of their income? Especially if she has to move the health benefits to her employer? The “backs out of a business trip the first time she’s asked to do something post-promotion” person is a prime target either for layoffs or (more insidiously) to overlook for future advancement.

+1. The PPs advising OP to refuse the work trip reek of privilege and security. OP, if you have an EaL at work, see what kind of support you can get arranging for medical and child care.

Please. It’s just as privileged to assume the OP would have capable, affordable back-up care available at the drop of a hat. Any company that would punish the OP for not going on the business trip in these circumstances isn’t going to be feasible for a single parent.

It’s going to be a lot more feasible than…nothing. You do realize she doesn’t get to shop around right now for an employer that will accommodate her challenging home environment and that finding a new position under these circumstances would likely be impossible? People aren’t bending over backward trying to accommodate women with challenges at home if that’s news to you.

Not punishing someone with a family medical emergency is bending over backwards? There are humane employers out there. You and others may choose otherwise for the sake of a high salary; don’t assume that’s the only option for someone educated and intelligent.

[Anonymous]

He wants the heat off of him for messing up. He wants out of the current situation with little backlash. If you don’t stay now and ease up on him about the past few years of deceit, then you now get to become the bad guy in story. This is his was of coping and shifting the mess onto you to hush you up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is horrifying.

1 - it is difficult to just “check yourself into the hospital” for any reason but especially mental health reasons. You can’t just walk into Suburban Hospital and say “I’m feeling suicidal today, I’ll take a room with a view.” People who actually need to be hospitalized wait for days. Everyone saying “just go to the hospital” has clearly never been in the position of trying to get their partner or child hospitalized for mental health reasons.

2 - I’m all about supporting women prioritizing their own careers but if a friend told me that she needed me to take care of her very young children so she could go on a business trip while her husband was in the hospital, I would do it, but I would judge the hell out of her for abandoning her young children with an adult stranger so she could go to a meeting. Choose your children here. The meeting can wait.

3 - it is always appropriate to take suicidality seriously. Particularly in men, who are statistically more likely to complete suicide if they attempt. I get that most of you think this is affair-related manipulation, but this person is not stable and that should be taken seriously even if it is believed to be manipulative. The alternatives are her children’s father being dead and her having to explain that she thought he was just being manipulative and didn’t want to lose her promotion. This is not a conversation I personally would be willing to have with my children. It really sounds like most of you have spent way ton much time on message boards related to infidelity such that it’s made you forget how to be decent human beings. It’s gross.

SO AGREE with number two.

Number 2 - “Larla, you have been my best friend forever and I have a huge favor to ask you. Johnny has been cheating on me for a long time. We were doing marital therapy and seemed to be working through it, but recently he has been working a lot and sleeping very little and has slipped into a serious depression. I am working with his family to get him help, but that is a long process. I’m really worried for him, but I’m also really worried about my job. You know how I just got that new promotion? I was so hopeful that it would be a step to earning more money and being on a better financial and career path, which seems so important now that it is huge uncertainty whether Johnny and I stay together or even whether he is mentally stable enough to work. But as part of the new job, I have to travel to a meeting. I don’t think leaving the kids alone with Johnny is safe while he is in this condition. Johnny agreed to stay with his parents while I am gone, but I think it is too much for them to look after him and the kids as well. Is there any way you could take the kids for a week while I’m gone? I can help out by making some meals in advance and getting a babysitter to help. I wouldn’t ask if I wasn’t really worried.”

If I said this to any one of my best friends or if any one of my kid’s best friend’s parents said this to me, I would say yes in a hot second. And I wouldn’t judge. I would only think “there but for the grace of God go I.”. (And I would also tell them not to worry about meals, babysitters or anything else.)

Do you guys not have any real friends?

Are you really saying you are not capable of being that kind of friend?

Women are taken for granted as caregivers in society - of kids, of husbands and of the elderly. We are not paid or supported in anyway for fulfilling the obligations/expectations that society places on us in this respect. In fact, we are actively punished socially when we decline to personally fulfill these responsibilities by providing for alternative care. This has a real impact on our income and work opportunities, which ripples out to impact retirement and healthcare. This is one reason why women have a higher rate of poverty.

I for one am not going to be the kind of woman that socially reinforces that cycle by stigmatizing, policing and isolating my female friends as “bad mothers” or “bad wives” if they make a choice to bolster their career, especially if they have kids to support and a husband who looks like he may not be able to contribute much. And that is exactly what you are doing PP when you describe the idea of OP going on her business trip as “abandoning her children” by “going to a meeting.”.

She would not be abandoning her children; she would be working to secure her future as a mother/provider and thus securing their future as well.

Honest to God, sometimes women are their own worst enemy.

Perfect. This.

YES! Women can not win. There are a lot of men who would take that trip because you know it's their "job".

Exactly, it's a job. It's not your life, it's not your family, and it sure as hell shouldn't be your identity that infringes on the health and safety of your family. People downplaying this are insane.

People downplaying the reality of needing a stable income esp if DH is not capable of working for a time and in the likelihood of divorce are INSANE and unrealistic.

Getting DH care and to a safe place is all OP can do in that regard anyway. If the kids are safe and looked after, keeping income coming in is where she does have to focus. To NOT do so is insane.

The choice is not OP goes on this trip and keeps her job/income or OP doesn't go and their family goes broke.

How long do you think a MC family makes it without 65% of their income? Especially if she has to move the health benefits to her employer? The “backs out of a business trip the first time she’s asked to do something post-promotion” person is a prime target either for layoffs or (more insidiously) to overlook for future advancement.

+1. The PPs advising OP to refuse the work trip reek of privilege and security. OP, if you have an EaL at work, see what kind of support you can get arranging for medical and child care.

Please. It’s just as privileged to assume the OP would have capable, affordable back-up care available at the drop of a hat. Any company that would punish the OP for not going on the business trip in these circumstances isn’t going to be feasible for a single parent.

It’s going to be a lot more feasible than…nothing. You do realize she doesn’t get to shop around right now for an employer that will accommodate her challenging home environment and that finding a new position under these circumstances would likely be impossible? People aren’t bending over backward trying to accommodate women with challenges at home if that’s news to you.

Not punishing someone with a family medical emergency is bending over backwards? There are humane employers out there. You and others may choose otherwise for the sake of a high salary; don’t assume that’s the only option for someone educated and intelligent.

And, again, are you going to go to OPs house amidst this family crisis and do her laundry and cook her dinner so she can spend the time on a job search— again, carefully pre-vetting employers who want to accommodate issues like these on top of everything else she has to do right now. And are you going to arrange childcare with her unreliable husband so she can go on interviews? No? Didn’t think so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He wants the heat off of him for messing up. He wants out of the current situation with little backlash. If you don’t stay now and ease up on him about the past few years of deceit, then you now get to become the bad guy in story. This is his was of coping and shifting the mess onto you to hush you up.

exaaaactly. this “crisis” makes him no longer the bad guy and everyone has to focus on his “needs.” not saying he did it deliberately, but that’s the impact.

now OP needs to decide if she wants to play into this new dynamic where her husband is now the injured party.

[Anonymous]

OP, it’s never just one crisis. It was a cascade of never-ending crises - some bigger than others but all calling for my help, or at least I thought so at the time.

I say this as someone whose DH cheated and had a subsequent mental health crisis.

Many who have loved ones living with mental illness live by the motto, “secure your own oxygen mask first.” Securing your own mask doesn’t mean you won’t help others. It means you can help others best when you make sure your physical, emotional, financial, career etc. needs are being reasonably met.

If you keep giving up your own needs and stability in favor of someone else, you will be in trouble yourself and no longer able to help the other.

Please consider taking the NAMI Family to Family course.