DH (WH) about to be hospitalized for suicide ideation- what do I need to know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is horrifying.

1 - it is difficult to just “check yourself into the hospital” for any reason but especially mental health reasons. You can’t just walk into Suburban Hospital and say “I’m feeling suicidal today, I’ll take a room with a view.” People who actually need to be hospitalized wait for days. Everyone saying “just go to the hospital” has clearly never been in the position of trying to get their partner or child hospitalized for mental health reasons.

2 - I’m all about supporting women prioritizing their own careers but if a friend told me that she needed me to take care of her very young children so she could go on a business trip while her husband was in the hospital, I would do it, but I would judge the hell out of her for abandoning her young children with an adult stranger so she could go to a meeting. Choose your children here. The meeting can wait.

3 - it is always appropriate to take suicidality seriously. Particularly in men, who are statistically more likely to complete suicide if they attempt. I get that most of you think this is affair-related manipulation, but this person is not stable and that should be taken seriously even if it is believed to be manipulative. The alternatives are her children’s father being dead and her having to explain that she thought he was just being manipulative and didn’t want to lose her promotion. This is not a conversation I personally would be willing to have with my children. It really sounds like most of you have spent way ton much time on message boards related to infidelity such that it’s made you forget how to be decent human beings. It’s gross.

SO AGREE with number two.

Number 2 - “Larla, you have been my best friend forever and I have a huge favor to ask you. Johnny has been cheating on me for a long time. We were doing marital therapy and seemed to be working through it, but recently he has been working a lot and sleeping very little and has slipped into a serious depression. I am working with his family to get him help, but that is a long process. I’m really worried for him, but I’m also really worried about my job. You know how I just got that new promotion? I was so hopeful that it would be a step to earning more money and being on a better financial and career path, which seems so important now that it is huge uncertainty whether Johnny and I stay together or even whether he is mentally stable enough to work. But as part of the new job, I have to travel to a meeting. I don’t think leaving the kids alone with Johnny is safe while he is in this condition. Johnny agreed to stay with his parents while I am gone, but I think it is too much for them to look after him and the kids as well. Is there any way you could take the kids for a week while I’m gone? I can help out by making some meals in advance and getting a babysitter to help. I wouldn’t ask if I wasn’t really worried.”

If I said this to any one of my best friends or if any one of my kid’s best friend’s parents said this to me, I would say yes in a hot second. And I wouldn’t judge. I would only think “there but for the grace of God go I.”. (And I would also tell them not to worry about meals, babysitters or anything else.)

Do you guys not have any real friends?

Are you really saying you are not capable of being that kind of friend?

Women are taken for granted as caregivers in society - of kids, of husbands and of the elderly. We are not paid or supported in anyway for fulfilling the obligations/expectations that society places on us in this respect. In fact, we are actively punished socially when we decline to personally fulfill these responsibilities by providing for alternative care. This has a real impact on our income and work opportunities, which ripples out to impact retirement and healthcare. This is one reason why women have a higher rate of poverty.

I for one am not going to be the kind of woman that socially reinforces that cycle by stigmatizing, policing and isolating my female friends as “bad mothers” or “bad wives” if they make a choice to bolster their career, especially if they have kids to support and a husband who looks like he may not be able to contribute much. And that is exactly what you are doing PP when you describe the idea of OP going on her business trip as “abandoning her children” by “going to a meeting.”.

She would not be abandoning her children; she would be working to secure her future as a mother/provider and thus securing their future as well.

Honest to God, sometimes women are their own worst enemy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“ It really sounds like most of you have spent way ton much time on message boards related to infidelity such that it’s made you forget how to be decent human beings. It’s gross.“

I’d say these are people that see the manipulation and guilt trips placed on the betrayed. People that are cheaters in affairs are thinking of themselves only. Par for the course.

I’d have little sympathy for someone that continually out right lied to my face while exposing me to physical harm/disease. Then- cried wolf and played poor victim.

Let them do what they’ll do. I suppose all that time with their head in someone else’s genitals should have made them better and if it didn’t they can go have their paramour nurse them back to mental health.

I’m not really buying this excuse.

Yeah. Kind of ironic that the cheaters are decent human beings in that scenario. Poor them. Oh they hurt and hate themselves now that their nastiness and true character was exposed. Wahhhhhh wahhhhh.

Fine. But YOUR true character is also being exposed here and despite your echo chamber, it’s not a “strong tough woman taking care of herself” character. There is nothing to admire about prioritizing a work trip and pride over someone’s potential death and the effects that would have in on everyone involved. Are you so injured that you would rather go on a work trip while your not-even-divorced-yet husband is suicidal, with multiple young children at home? That’s the character your infidelity boards admire?

I’ve never cheated on anyone, before you come at me. I just think y’all are sad broken people. Clearly someone else broke you, but you are clearly wearing that crown every day now. Get a grip.

I HAVE cheated before which is why I have zero empathy for this guy. And nobody has said to just ignore his suicidal threats. What has been said is that OP should not fall into the trap (purposely set or not) of wasting more energy on him. He can go to the hospital or he can go to his parents house. This is an important trip for OP so she should do what she can to make it. Because it is evident to all that she is going to be a single parent so she needs her job to be in good shape.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is horrifying.

1 - it is difficult to just “check yourself into the hospital” for any reason but especially mental health reasons. You can’t just walk into Suburban Hospital and say “I’m feeling suicidal today, I’ll take a room with a view.” People who actually need to be hospitalized wait for days. Everyone saying “just go to the hospital” has clearly never been in the position of trying to get their partner or child hospitalized for mental health reasons.

2 - I’m all about supporting women prioritizing their own careers but if a friend told me that she needed me to take care of her very young children so she could go on a business trip while her husband was in the hospital, I would do it, but I would judge the hell out of her for abandoning her young children with an adult stranger so she could go to a meeting. Choose your children here. The meeting can wait.

3 - it is always appropriate to take suicidality seriously. Particularly in men, who are statistically more likely to complete suicide if they attempt. I get that most of you think this is affair-related manipulation, but this person is not stable and that should be taken seriously even if it is believed to be manipulative. The alternatives are her children’s father being dead and her having to explain that she thought he was just being manipulative and didn’t want to lose her promotion. This is not a conversation I personally would be willing to have with my children. It really sounds like most of you have spent way ton much time on message boards related to infidelity such that it’s made you forget how to be decent human beings. It’s gross.

SO AGREE with number two.

that would be incredibly nasty and judgmental. if a friend told me “my cheating DH is in the hospital and I cannot miss this trip” I would 100% pitch in. It’s like women cannot even think this way because they are so used to seeing women’s work as caretaking, not professional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is horrifying.

1 - it is difficult to just “check yourself into the hospital” for any reason but especially mental health reasons. You can’t just walk into Suburban Hospital and say “I’m feeling suicidal today, I’ll take a room with a view.” People who actually need to be hospitalized wait for days. Everyone saying “just go to the hospital” has clearly never been in the position of trying to get their partner or child hospitalized for mental health reasons.

2 - I’m all about supporting women prioritizing their own careers but if a friend told me that she needed me to take care of her very young children so she could go on a business trip while her husband was in the hospital, I would do it, but I would judge the hell out of her for abandoning her young children with an adult stranger so she could go to a meeting. Choose your children here. The meeting can wait.

3 - it is always appropriate to take suicidality seriously. Particularly in men, who are statistically more likely to complete suicide if they attempt. I get that most of you think this is affair-related manipulation, but this person is not stable and that should be taken seriously even if it is believed to be manipulative. The alternatives are her children’s father being dead and her having to explain that she thought he was just being manipulative and didn’t want to lose her promotion. This is not a conversation I personally would be willing to have with my children. It really sounds like most of you have spent way ton much time on message boards related to infidelity such that it’s made you forget how to be decent human beings. It’s gross.

SO AGREE with number two.

Number 2 - “Larla, you have been my best friend forever and I have a huge favor to ask you. Johnny has been cheating on me for a long time. We were doing marital therapy and seemed to be working through it, but recently he has been working a lot and sleeping very little and has slipped into a serious depression. I am working with his family to get him help, but that is a long process. I’m really worried for him, but I’m also really worried about my job. You know how I just got that new promotion? I was so hopeful that it would be a step to earning more money and being on a better financial and career path, which seems so important now that it is huge uncertainty whether Johnny and I stay together or even whether he is mentally stable enough to work. But as part of the new job, I have to travel to a meeting. I don’t think leaving the kids alone with Johnny is safe while he is in this condition. Johnny agreed to stay with his parents while I am gone, but I think it is too much for them to look after him and the kids as well. Is there any way you could take the kids for a week while I’m gone? I can help out by making some meals in advance and getting a babysitter to help. I wouldn’t ask if I wasn’t really worried.”

If I said this to any one of my best friends or if any one of my kid’s best friend’s parents said this to me, I would say yes in a hot second. And I wouldn’t judge. I would only think “there but for the grace of God go I.”. (And I would also tell them not to worry about meals, babysitters or anything else.)

Do you guys not have any real friends?

Are you really saying you are not capable of being that kind of friend?

Women are taken for granted as caregivers in society - of kids, of husbands and of the elderly. We are not paid or supported in anyway for fulfilling the obligations/expectations that society places on us in this respect. In fact, we are actively punished socially when we decline to personally fulfill these responsibilities by providing for alternative care. This has a real impact on our income and work opportunities, which ripples out to impact retirement and healthcare. This is one reason why women have a higher rate of poverty.

I for one am not going to be the kind of woman that socially reinforces that cycle by stigmatizing, policing and isolating my female friends as “bad mothers” or “bad wives” if they make a choice to bolster their career, especially if they have kids to support and a husband who looks like he may not be able to contribute much. And that is exactly what you are doing PP when you describe the idea of OP going on her business trip as “abandoning her children” by “going to a meeting.”.

She would not be abandoning her children; she would be working to secure her future as a mother/provider and thus securing their future as well.

Honest to God, sometimes women are their own worst enemy.

Perfect. This.

[Anonymous]

So sorry op is going through this.

Business trip for me would depend on trip itself (length distance and importance); if my kids could roll easily with change/in laws watching them; where my spouse was by Sunday night and my status at my job. It’s a lot and at the same time this may be an ongoing longer term issue that op will have to start working with in rebuilding her /their lives.

Op should def contact her husbands individual therapist, hopefully that’s happened by now. It’s very hard to get in patient beds. A PHP may be possible.

I’m not going to speculate on whether this is manipulation except to say the poster who noted it can be both and that this is about his self image cracking and huge dissonance seems spot on. I will add that if this is the op who discovered the (mostly emotional) affair while traveling there were other issues pointing to her husbands broken or undeveloped sense of self (alcohol abuse/lying; enmeshment etc). He’s got a lot of work to do to be the man people think he is and that emptiness and inauthenticity can be devastating..,but also he has a pattern of avoidance..(assuming this is that guy and not another couple dealing with this crap).

He doesn’t sound borderline (since it’s usually an ingrained pattern) …but I am the daughter of a borderline mother and I have experienced many a situation where my mother’s latest crisis always seems real to her but is in fact manufactured (unconsciously). It’s been hard to let myself detach. She most recently had a crisis when she found out we were going away for 8 days. Screamed at me that I was selfish for leaving her to go on vacation when she could be dead at any minute. There were doctors appts and er visits (I essentially burned all my sick leave taking her to these) with the ultimate diagnosis of back pain and anxiety. I fell for it again! At least we did ho in our trip….but it’s hard to know when a loved one appears in genuine crisis because it feels like it to them. Abandonment for my mother feels like death so she will do anything to try to prevent that.. anyway I digress except to say it’s hard to know sometimes what to do except try to get the person some help, get yourself some perspective and take care of yourself and kids.


Finally I personally would table the marriage counseling and all the affair processing for now.. You cannot rush through to the end, no matter how much work you put into it. Op needs to just give everything time and space, including herself, to understand what is best in the future for herself and kids. Her spouse needs to address his mental health and coping skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is horrifying.

1 - it is difficult to just “check yourself into the hospital” for any reason but especially mental health reasons. You can’t just walk into Suburban Hospital and say “I’m feeling suicidal today, I’ll take a room with a view.” People who actually need to be hospitalized wait for days. Everyone saying “just go to the hospital” has clearly never been in the position of trying to get their partner or child hospitalized for mental health reasons.

2 - I’m all about supporting women prioritizing their own careers but if a friend told me that she needed me to take care of her very young children so she could go on a business trip while her husband was in the hospital, I would do it, but I would judge the hell out of her for abandoning her young children with an adult stranger so she could go to a meeting. Choose your children here. The meeting can wait.

3 - it is always appropriate to take suicidality seriously. Particularly in men, who are statistically more likely to complete suicide if they attempt. I get that most of you think this is affair-related manipulation, but this person is not stable and that should be taken seriously even if it is believed to be manipulative. The alternatives are her children’s father being dead and her having to explain that she thought he was just being manipulative and didn’t want to lose her promotion. This is not a conversation I personally would be willing to have with my children. It really sounds like most of you have spent way ton much time on message boards related to infidelity such that it’s made you forget how to be decent human beings. It’s gross.

#2 women makes what is clearly hard choice in a touch situation and you FIng judge her. It’s not like she’s going to Vegas for the slots…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is horrifying.

1 - it is difficult to just “check yourself into the hospital” for any reason but especially mental health reasons. You can’t just walk into Suburban Hospital and say “I’m feeling suicidal today, I’ll take a room with a view.” People who actually need to be hospitalized wait for days. Everyone saying “just go to the hospital” has clearly never been in the position of trying to get their partner or child hospitalized for mental health reasons.

2 - I’m all about supporting women prioritizing their own careers but if a friend told me that she needed me to take care of her very young children so she could go on a business trip while her husband was in the hospital, I would do it, but I would judge the hell out of her for abandoning her young children with an adult stranger so she could go to a meeting. Choose your children here. The meeting can wait.

3 - it is always appropriate to take suicidality seriously. Particularly in men, who are statistically more likely to complete suicide if they attempt. I get that most of you think this is affair-related manipulation, but this person is not stable and that should be taken seriously even if it is believed to be manipulative. The alternatives are her children’s father being dead and her having to explain that she thought he was just being manipulative and didn’t want to lose her promotion. This is not a conversation I personally would be willing to have with my children. It really sounds like most of you have spent way ton much time on message boards related to infidelity such that it’s made you forget how to be decent human beings. It’s gross.

SO AGREE with number two.

Number 2 - “Larla, you have been my best friend forever and I have a huge favor to ask you. Johnny has been cheating on me for a long time. We were doing marital therapy and seemed to be working through it, but recently he has been working a lot and sleeping very little and has slipped into a serious depression. I am working with his family to get him help, but that is a long process. I’m really worried for him, but I’m also really worried about my job. You know how I just got that new promotion? I was so hopeful that it would be a step to earning more money and being on a better financial and career path, which seems so important now that it is huge uncertainty whether Johnny and I stay together or even whether he is mentally stable enough to work. But as part of the new job, I have to travel to a meeting. I don’t think leaving the kids alone with Johnny is safe while he is in this condition. Johnny agreed to stay with his parents while I am gone, but I think it is too much for them to look after him and the kids as well. Is there any way you could take the kids for a week while I’m gone? I can help out by making some meals in advance and getting a babysitter to help. I wouldn’t ask if I wasn’t really worried.”

If I said this to any one of my best friends or if any one of my kid’s best friend’s parents said this to me, I would say yes in a hot second. And I wouldn’t judge. I would only think “there but for the grace of God go I.”. (And I would also tell them not to worry about meals, babysitters or anything else.)

Do you guys not have any real friends?

Are you really saying you are not capable of being that kind of friend?

Women are taken for granted as caregivers in society - of kids, of husbands and of the elderly. We are not paid or supported in anyway for fulfilling the obligations/expectations that society places on us in this respect. In fact, we are actively punished socially when we decline to personally fulfill these responsibilities by providing for alternative care. This has a real impact on our income and work opportunities, which ripples out to impact retirement and healthcare. This is one reason why women have a higher rate of poverty.

I for one am not going to be the kind of woman that socially reinforces that cycle by stigmatizing, policing and isolating my female friends as “bad mothers” or “bad wives” if they make a choice to bolster their career, especially if they have kids to support and a husband who looks like he may not be able to contribute much. And that is exactly what you are doing PP when you describe the idea of OP going on her business trip as “abandoning her children” by “going to a meeting.”.

She would not be abandoning her children; she would be working to secure her future as a mother/provider and thus securing their future as well.

Honest to God, sometimes women are their own worst enemy.

Perfect. This.

+1

[Anonymous]

I would be afteaid that I would royally eff something up at the meeting and jeapordize my job.
Is everyone here just better at compartmentalization than I am? Or does your physical presence at these things really matter more than what you say or do?

[Anonymous]

Why do we all think that this is the same person who discovered her husband's cheating while on vacation? I think it too but I'm just not sure how/why we all came to that. Is it the writing style - the timeline?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is horrifying.

1 - it is difficult to just “check yourself into the hospital” for any reason but especially mental health reasons. You can’t just walk into Suburban Hospital and say “I’m feeling suicidal today, I’ll take a room with a view.” People who actually need to be hospitalized wait for days. Everyone saying “just go to the hospital” has clearly never been in the position of trying to get their partner or child hospitalized for mental health reasons.

2 - I’m all about supporting women prioritizing their own careers but if a friend told me that she needed me to take care of her very young children so she could go on a business trip while her husband was in the hospital, I would do it, but I would judge the hell out of her for abandoning her young children with an adult stranger so she could go to a meeting. Choose your children here. The meeting can wait.

3 - it is always appropriate to take suicidality seriously. Particularly in men, who are statistically more likely to complete suicide if they attempt. I get that most of you think this is affair-related manipulation, but this person is not stable and that should be taken seriously even if it is believed to be manipulative. The alternatives are her children’s father being dead and her having to explain that she thought he was just being manipulative and didn’t want to lose her promotion. This is not a conversation I personally would be willing to have with my children. It really sounds like most of you have spent way ton much time on message boards related to infidelity such that it’s made you forget how to be decent human beings. It’s gross.

SO AGREE with number two.

Number 2 - “Larla, you have been my best friend forever and I have a huge favor to ask you. Johnny has been cheating on me for a long time. We were doing marital therapy and seemed to be working through it, but recently he has been working a lot and sleeping very little and has slipped into a serious depression. I am working with his family to get him help, but that is a long process. I’m really worried for him, but I’m also really worried about my job. You know how I just got that new promotion? I was so hopeful that it would be a step to earning more money and being on a better financial and career path, which seems so important now that it is huge uncertainty whether Johnny and I stay together or even whether he is mentally stable enough to work. But as part of the new job, I have to travel to a meeting. I don’t think leaving the kids alone with Johnny is safe while he is in this condition. Johnny agreed to stay with his parents while I am gone, but I think it is too much for them to look after him and the kids as well. Is there any way you could take the kids for a week while I’m gone? I can help out by making some meals in advance and getting a babysitter to help. I wouldn’t ask if I wasn’t really worried.”

If I said this to any one of my best friends or if any one of my kid’s best friend’s parents said this to me, I would say yes in a hot second. And I wouldn’t judge. I would only think “there but for the grace of God go I.”. (And I would also tell them not to worry about meals, babysitters or anything else.)

Do you guys not have any real friends?

Are you really saying you are not capable of being that kind of friend?

Women are taken for granted as caregivers in society - of kids, of husbands and of the elderly. We are not paid or supported in anyway for fulfilling the obligations/expectations that society places on us in this respect. In fact, we are actively punished socially when we decline to personally fulfill these responsibilities by providing for alternative care. This has a real impact on our income and work opportunities, which ripples out to impact retirement and healthcare. This is one reason why women have a higher rate of poverty.

I for one am not going to be the kind of woman that socially reinforces that cycle by stigmatizing, policing and isolating my female friends as “bad mothers” or “bad wives” if they make a choice to bolster their career, especially if they have kids to support and a husband who looks like he may not be able to contribute much. And that is exactly what you are doing PP when you describe the idea of OP going on her business trip as “abandoning her children” by “going to a meeting.”.

She would not be abandoning her children; she would be working to secure her future as a mother/provider and thus securing their future as well.

Honest to God, sometimes women are their own worst enemy.

Perfect. This.

YES! Women can not win. There are a lot of men who would take that trip because you know it's their "job".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is horrifying.

1 - it is difficult to just “check yourself into the hospital” for any reason but especially mental health reasons. You can’t just walk into Suburban Hospital and say “I’m feeling suicidal today, I’ll take a room with a view.” People who actually need to be hospitalized wait for days. Everyone saying “just go to the hospital” has clearly never been in the position of trying to get their partner or child hospitalized for mental health reasons.

2 - I’m all about supporting women prioritizing their own careers but if a friend told me that she needed me to take care of her very young children so she could go on a business trip while her husband was in the hospital, I would do it, but I would judge the hell out of her for abandoning her young children with an adult stranger so she could go to a meeting. Choose your children here. The meeting can wait.

3 - it is always appropriate to take suicidality seriously. Particularly in men, who are statistically more likely to complete suicide if they attempt. I get that most of you think this is affair-related manipulation, but this person is not stable and that should be taken seriously even if it is believed to be manipulative. The alternatives are her children’s father being dead and her having to explain that she thought he was just being manipulative and didn’t want to lose her promotion. This is not a conversation I personally would be willing to have with my children. It really sounds like most of you have spent way ton much time on message boards related to infidelity such that it’s made you forget how to be decent human beings. It’s gross.

SO AGREE with number two.

Number 2 - “Larla, you have been my best friend forever and I have a huge favor to ask you. Johnny has been cheating on me for a long time. We were doing marital therapy and seemed to be working through it, but recently he has been working a lot and sleeping very little and has slipped into a serious depression. I am working with his family to get him help, but that is a long process. I’m really worried for him, but I’m also really worried about my job. You know how I just got that new promotion? I was so hopeful that it would be a step to earning more money and being on a better financial and career path, which seems so important now that it is huge uncertainty whether Johnny and I stay together or even whether he is mentally stable enough to work. But as part of the new job, I have to travel to a meeting. I don’t think leaving the kids alone with Johnny is safe while he is in this condition. Johnny agreed to stay with his parents while I am gone, but I think it is too much for them to look after him and the kids as well. Is there any way you could take the kids for a week while I’m gone? I can help out by making some meals in advance and getting a babysitter to help. I wouldn’t ask if I wasn’t really worried.”

If I said this to any one of my best friends or if any one of my kid’s best friend’s parents said this to me, I would say yes in a hot second. And I wouldn’t judge. I would only think “there but for the grace of God go I.”. (And I would also tell them not to worry about meals, babysitters or anything else.)

Do you guys not have any real friends?

Are you really saying you are not capable of being that kind of friend?

Women are taken for granted as caregivers in society - of kids, of husbands and of the elderly. We are not paid or supported in anyway for fulfilling the obligations/expectations that society places on us in this respect. In fact, we are actively punished socially when we decline to personally fulfill these responsibilities by providing for alternative care. This has a real impact on our income and work opportunities, which ripples out to impact retirement and healthcare. This is one reason why women have a higher rate of poverty.

I for one am not going to be the kind of woman that socially reinforces that cycle by stigmatizing, policing and isolating my female friends as “bad mothers” or “bad wives” if they make a choice to bolster their career, especially if they have kids to support and a husband who looks like he may not be able to contribute much. And that is exactly what you are doing PP when you describe the idea of OP going on her business trip as “abandoning her children” by “going to a meeting.”.

She would not be abandoning her children; she would be working to secure her future as a mother/provider and thus securing their future as well.

Honest to God, sometimes women are their own worst enemy.

Perfect. This.

YES! Women can not win. There are a lot of men who would take that trip because you know it's their "job".

Exactly, it's a job. It's not your life, it's not your family, and it sure as hell shouldn't be your identity that infringes on the health and safety of your family. People downplaying this are insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is horrifying.

1 - it is difficult to just “check yourself into the hospital” for any reason but especially mental health reasons. You can’t just walk into Suburban Hospital and say “I’m feeling suicidal today, I’ll take a room with a view.” People who actually need to be hospitalized wait for days. Everyone saying “just go to the hospital” has clearly never been in the position of trying to get their partner or child hospitalized for mental health reasons.

2 - I’m all about supporting women prioritizing their own careers but if a friend told me that she needed me to take care of her very young children so she could go on a business trip while her husband was in the hospital, I would do it, but I would judge the hell out of her for abandoning her young children with an adult stranger so she could go to a meeting. Choose your children here. The meeting can wait.

3 - it is always appropriate to take suicidality seriously. Particularly in men, who are statistically more likely to complete suicide if they attempt. I get that most of you think this is affair-related manipulation, but this person is not stable and that should be taken seriously even if it is believed to be manipulative. The alternatives are her children’s father being dead and her having to explain that she thought he was just being manipulative and didn’t want to lose her promotion. This is not a conversation I personally would be willing to have with my children. It really sounds like most of you have spent way ton much time on message boards related to infidelity such that it’s made you forget how to be decent human beings. It’s gross.

SO AGREE with number two.

Number 2 - “Larla, you have been my best friend forever and I have a huge favor to ask you. Johnny has been cheating on me for a long time. We were doing marital therapy and seemed to be working through it, but recently he has been working a lot and sleeping very little and has slipped into a serious depression. I am working with his family to get him help, but that is a long process. I’m really worried for him, but I’m also really worried about my job. You know how I just got that new promotion? I was so hopeful that it would be a step to earning more money and being on a better financial and career path, which seems so important now that it is huge uncertainty whether Johnny and I stay together or even whether he is mentally stable enough to work. But as part of the new job, I have to travel to a meeting. I don’t think leaving the kids alone with Johnny is safe while he is in this condition. Johnny agreed to stay with his parents while I am gone, but I think it is too much for them to look after him and the kids as well. Is there any way you could take the kids for a week while I’m gone? I can help out by making some meals in advance and getting a babysitter to help. I wouldn’t ask if I wasn’t really worried.”

If I said this to any one of my best friends or if any one of my kid’s best friend’s parents said this to me, I would say yes in a hot second. And I wouldn’t judge. I would only think “there but for the grace of God go I.”. (And I would also tell them not to worry about meals, babysitters or anything else.)

Do you guys not have any real friends?

Are you really saying you are not capable of being that kind of friend?

Women are taken for granted as caregivers in society - of kids, of husbands and of the elderly. We are not paid or supported in anyway for fulfilling the obligations/expectations that society places on us in this respect. In fact, we are actively punished socially when we decline to personally fulfill these responsibilities by providing for alternative care. This has a real impact on our income and work opportunities, which ripples out to impact retirement and healthcare. This is one reason why women have a higher rate of poverty.

I for one am not going to be the kind of woman that socially reinforces that cycle by stigmatizing, policing and isolating my female friends as “bad mothers” or “bad wives” if they make a choice to bolster their career, especially if they have kids to support and a husband who looks like he may not be able to contribute much. And that is exactly what you are doing PP when you describe the idea of OP going on her business trip as “abandoning her children” by “going to a meeting.”.

She would not be abandoning her children; she would be working to secure her future as a mother/provider and thus securing their future as well.

Honest to God, sometimes women are their own worst enemy.

Perfect. This.

YES! Women can not win. There are a lot of men who would take that trip because you know it's their "job".

Exactly, it's a job. It's not your life, it's not your family, and it sure as hell shouldn't be your identity that infringes on the health and safety of your family. People downplaying this are insane.

Um who said it was her identity? Women need jobs for the same reason men do - to put food on the table and support their kids. It’s not optional. It’s definitely not optional for OP with her useless DH who she will hopefully divorce soon. This is an important trip for OP’s recent promotion - she needs to go if she can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is horrifying.

1 - it is difficult to just “check yourself into the hospital” for any reason but especially mental health reasons. You can’t just walk into Suburban Hospital and say “I’m feeling suicidal today, I’ll take a room with a view.” People who actually need to be hospitalized wait for days. Everyone saying “just go to the hospital” has clearly never been in the position of trying to get their partner or child hospitalized for mental health reasons.

2 - I’m all about supporting women prioritizing their own careers but if a friend told me that she needed me to take care of her very young children so she could go on a business trip while her husband was in the hospital, I would do it, but I would judge the hell out of her for abandoning her young children with an adult stranger so she could go to a meeting. Choose your children here. The meeting can wait.

3 - it is always appropriate to take suicidality seriously. Particularly in men, who are statistically more likely to complete suicide if they attempt. I get that most of you think this is affair-related manipulation, but this person is not stable and that should be taken seriously even if it is believed to be manipulative. The alternatives are her children’s father being dead and her having to explain that she thought he was just being manipulative and didn’t want to lose her promotion. This is not a conversation I personally would be willing to have with my children. It really sounds like most of you have spent way ton much time on message boards related to infidelity such that it’s made you forget how to be decent human beings. It’s gross.

SO AGREE with number two.

Number 2 - “Larla, you have been my best friend forever and I have a huge favor to ask you. Johnny has been cheating on me for a long time. We were doing marital therapy and seemed to be working through it, but recently he has been working a lot and sleeping very little and has slipped into a serious depression. I am working with his family to get him help, but that is a long process. I’m really worried for him, but I’m also really worried about my job. You know how I just got that new promotion? I was so hopeful that it would be a step to earning more money and being on a better financial and career path, which seems so important now that it is huge uncertainty whether Johnny and I stay together or even whether he is mentally stable enough to work. But as part of the new job, I have to travel to a meeting. I don’t think leaving the kids alone with Johnny is safe while he is in this condition. Johnny agreed to stay with his parents while I am gone, but I think it is too much for them to look after him and the kids as well. Is there any way you could take the kids for a week while I’m gone? I can help out by making some meals in advance and getting a babysitter to help. I wouldn’t ask if I wasn’t really worried.”

If I said this to any one of my best friends or if any one of my kid’s best friend’s parents said this to me, I would say yes in a hot second. And I wouldn’t judge. I would only think “there but for the grace of God go I.”. (And I would also tell them not to worry about meals, babysitters or anything else.)

Do you guys not have any real friends?

Are you really saying you are not capable of being that kind of friend?

Women are taken for granted as caregivers in society - of kids, of husbands and of the elderly. We are not paid or supported in anyway for fulfilling the obligations/expectations that society places on us in this respect. In fact, we are actively punished socially when we decline to personally fulfill these responsibilities by providing for alternative care. This has a real impact on our income and work opportunities, which ripples out to impact retirement and healthcare. This is one reason why women have a higher rate of poverty.

I for one am not going to be the kind of woman that socially reinforces that cycle by stigmatizing, policing and isolating my female friends as “bad mothers” or “bad wives” if they make a choice to bolster their career, especially if they have kids to support and a husband who looks like he may not be able to contribute much. And that is exactly what you are doing PP when you describe the idea of OP going on her business trip as “abandoning her children” by “going to a meeting.”.

She would not be abandoning her children; she would be working to secure her future as a mother/provider and thus securing their future as well.

Honest to God, sometimes women are their own worst enemy.

Perfect. This.

YES! Women can not win. There are a lot of men who would take that trip because you know it's their "job".

Exactly, it's a job. It's not your life, it's not your family, and it sure as hell shouldn't be your identity that infringes on the health and safety of your family. People downplaying this are insane.

People downplaying the reality of needing a stable income esp if DH is not capable of working for a time and in the likelihood of divorce are INSANE and unrealistic.

Getting DH care and to a safe place is all OP can do in that regard anyway. If the kids are safe and looked after, keeping income coming in is where she does have to focus. To NOT do so is insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is horrifying.

1 - it is difficult to just “check yourself into the hospital” for any reason but especially mental health reasons. You can’t just walk into Suburban Hospital and say “I’m feeling suicidal today, I’ll take a room with a view.” People who actually need to be hospitalized wait for days. Everyone saying “just go to the hospital” has clearly never been in the position of trying to get their partner or child hospitalized for mental health reasons.

2 - I’m all about supporting women prioritizing their own careers but if a friend told me that she needed me to take care of her very young children so she could go on a business trip while her husband was in the hospital, I would do it, but I would judge the hell out of her for abandoning her young children with an adult stranger so she could go to a meeting. Choose your children here. The meeting can wait.

3 - it is always appropriate to take suicidality seriously. Particularly in men, who are statistically more likely to complete suicide if they attempt. I get that most of you think this is affair-related manipulation, but this person is not stable and that should be taken seriously even if it is believed to be manipulative. The alternatives are her children’s father being dead and her having to explain that she thought he was just being manipulative and didn’t want to lose her promotion. This is not a conversation I personally would be willing to have with my children. It really sounds like most of you have spent way ton much time on message boards related to infidelity such that it’s made you forget how to be decent human beings. It’s gross.

SO AGREE with number two.

Number 2 - “Larla, you have been my best friend forever and I have a huge favor to ask you. Johnny has been cheating on me for a long time. We were doing marital therapy and seemed to be working through it, but recently he has been working a lot and sleeping very little and has slipped into a serious depression. I am working with his family to get him help, but that is a long process. I’m really worried for him, but I’m also really worried about my job. You know how I just got that new promotion? I was so hopeful that it would be a step to earning more money and being on a better financial and career path, which seems so important now that it is huge uncertainty whether Johnny and I stay together or even whether he is mentally stable enough to work. But as part of the new job, I have to travel to a meeting. I don’t think leaving the kids alone with Johnny is safe while he is in this condition. Johnny agreed to stay with his parents while I am gone, but I think it is too much for them to look after him and the kids as well. Is there any way you could take the kids for a week while I’m gone? I can help out by making some meals in advance and getting a babysitter to help. I wouldn’t ask if I wasn’t really worried.”

If I said this to any one of my best friends or if any one of my kid’s best friend’s parents said this to me, I would say yes in a hot second. And I wouldn’t judge. I would only think “there but for the grace of God go I.”. (And I would also tell them not to worry about meals, babysitters or anything else.)

Do you guys not have any real friends?

Are you really saying you are not capable of being that kind of friend?

Women are taken for granted as caregivers in society - of kids, of husbands and of the elderly. We are not paid or supported in anyway for fulfilling the obligations/expectations that society places on us in this respect. In fact, we are actively punished socially when we decline to personally fulfill these responsibilities by providing for alternative care. This has a real impact on our income and work opportunities, which ripples out to impact retirement and healthcare. This is one reason why women have a higher rate of poverty.

I for one am not going to be the kind of woman that socially reinforces that cycle by stigmatizing, policing and isolating my female friends as “bad mothers” or “bad wives” if they make a choice to bolster their career, especially if they have kids to support and a husband who looks like he may not be able to contribute much. And that is exactly what you are doing PP when you describe the idea of OP going on her business trip as “abandoning her children” by “going to a meeting.”.

She would not be abandoning her children; she would be working to secure her future as a mother/provider and thus securing their future as well.

Honest to God, sometimes women are their own worst enemy.

Perfect. This.

YES! Women can not win. There are a lot of men who would take that trip because you know it's their "job".

Exactly, it's a job. It's not your life, it's not your family, and it sure as hell shouldn't be your identity that infringes on the health and safety of your family. People downplaying this are insane.

People downplaying the reality of needing a stable income esp if DH is not capable of working for a time and in the likelihood of divorce are INSANE and unrealistic.

Getting DH care and to a safe place is all OP can do in that regard anyway. If the kids are safe and looked after, keeping income coming in is where she does have to focus. To NOT do so is insane.

The choice is not OP goes on this trip and keeps her job/income or OP doesn't go and their family goes broke.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is horrifying.

1 - it is difficult to just “check yourself into the hospital” for any reason but especially mental health reasons. You can’t just walk into Suburban Hospital and say “I’m feeling suicidal today, I’ll take a room with a view.” People who actually need to be hospitalized wait for days. Everyone saying “just go to the hospital” has clearly never been in the position of trying to get their partner or child hospitalized for mental health reasons.

2 - I’m all about supporting women prioritizing their own careers but if a friend told me that she needed me to take care of her very young children so she could go on a business trip while her husband was in the hospital, I would do it, but I would judge the hell out of her for abandoning her young children with an adult stranger so she could go to a meeting. Choose your children here. The meeting can wait.

3 - it is always appropriate to take suicidality seriously. Particularly in men, who are statistically more likely to complete suicide if they attempt. I get that most of you think this is affair-related manipulation, but this person is not stable and that should be taken seriously even if it is believed to be manipulative. The alternatives are her children’s father being dead and her having to explain that she thought he was just being manipulative and didn’t want to lose her promotion. This is not a conversation I personally would be willing to have with my children. It really sounds like most of you have spent way ton much time on message boards related to infidelity such that it’s made you forget how to be decent human beings. It’s gross.

SO AGREE with number two.

Number 2 - “Larla, you have been my best friend forever and I have a huge favor to ask you. Johnny has been cheating on me for a long time. We were doing marital therapy and seemed to be working through it, but recently he has been working a lot and sleeping very little and has slipped into a serious depression. I am working with his family to get him help, but that is a long process. I’m really worried for him, but I’m also really worried about my job. You know how I just got that new promotion? I was so hopeful that it would be a step to earning more money and being on a better financial and career path, which seems so important now that it is huge uncertainty whether Johnny and I stay together or even whether he is mentally stable enough to work. But as part of the new job, I have to travel to a meeting. I don’t think leaving the kids alone with Johnny is safe while he is in this condition. Johnny agreed to stay with his parents while I am gone, but I think it is too much for them to look after him and the kids as well. Is there any way you could take the kids for a week while I’m gone? I can help out by making some meals in advance and getting a babysitter to help. I wouldn’t ask if I wasn’t really worried.”

If I said this to any one of my best friends or if any one of my kid’s best friend’s parents said this to me, I would say yes in a hot second. And I wouldn’t judge. I would only think “there but for the grace of God go I.”. (And I would also tell them not to worry about meals, babysitters or anything else.)

Do you guys not have any real friends?

Are you really saying you are not capable of being that kind of friend?

Women are taken for granted as caregivers in society - of kids, of husbands and of the elderly. We are not paid or supported in anyway for fulfilling the obligations/expectations that society places on us in this respect. In fact, we are actively punished socially when we decline to personally fulfill these responsibilities by providing for alternative care. This has a real impact on our income and work opportunities, which ripples out to impact retirement and healthcare. This is one reason why women have a higher rate of poverty.

I for one am not going to be the kind of woman that socially reinforces that cycle by stigmatizing, policing and isolating my female friends as “bad mothers” or “bad wives” if they make a choice to bolster their career, especially if they have kids to support and a husband who looks like he may not be able to contribute much. And that is exactly what you are doing PP when you describe the idea of OP going on her business trip as “abandoning her children” by “going to a meeting.”.

She would not be abandoning her children; she would be working to secure her future as a mother/provider and thus securing their future as well.

Honest to God, sometimes women are their own worst enemy.

Perfect. This.

YES! Women can not win. There are a lot of men who would take that trip because you know it's their "job".

Exactly, it's a job. It's not your life, it's not your family, and it sure as hell shouldn't be your identity that infringes on the health and safety of your family. People downplaying this are insane.

People downplaying the reality of needing a stable income esp if DH is not capable of working for a time and in the likelihood of divorce are INSANE and unrealistic.

Getting DH care and to a safe place is all OP can do in that regard anyway. If the kids are safe and looked after, keeping income coming in is where she does have to focus. To NOT do so is insane.

The choice is not OP goes on this trip and keeps her job/income or OP doesn't go and their family goes broke.

How long do you think a MC family makes it without 65% of their income? Especially if she has to move the health benefits to her employer? The “backs out of a business trip the first time she’s asked to do something post-promotion” person is a prime target either for layoffs or (more insidiously) to overlook for future advancement.