Explain to me the financial risk of SAH if partner is a high earner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The way I've seen this play out is that the high earner spouse limits the funds that the lower earning spouse has access to during the divorce, then they hire a shark and slow the process down, so it could take years for c/s and alimony to be decided and during that time the low-earner is also racking up high legal bills. Additionally, I know a number of cases where the high earner threatened to pursue full custody with their endless resources and got the low-earner to settle for less in exchange for 50/50.

This does happen.

OP, keep your career going and viable.

That kind of disparity often seems to lead the working partner into affairs with people he feels he has more in common with. Your assumptions about alimony and child support are unrealistic these days.

Correct. The next woman is always someone he considers an equal. Men will always grow to resent a woman when they feel like she's codependent or coasting on his accomplishments. Not saying it's fair. But nobody is more anti-SAHM than a man who divorced one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The way I've seen this play out is that the high earner spouse limits the funds that the lower earning spouse has access to during the divorce, then they hire a shark and slow the process down, so it could take years for c/s and alimony to be decided and during that time the low-earner is also racking up high legal bills. Additionally, I know a number of cases where the high earner threatened to pursue full custody with their endless resources and got the low-earner to settle for less in exchange for 50/50.

This does happen.

OP, keep your career going and viable.

That kind of disparity often seems to lead the working partner into affairs with people he feels he has more in common with. Your assumptions about alimony and child support are unrealistic these days.

So by this logic I am financially safer as a middle class SAH then the OP. What's the point of having the all that money if you have to protect yourself from it? Bc that's what keeping her job becomes. Protecting herself from her husband's success. It's literally the opposite of what marriage is supposed to be for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get a post-nuptial agreement before you stay home.

This

+1000.

And I would not depend on future earnings.

Do you have enough net worth today that will make you comfortable if you were to go your separate ways today?

This. The way you take the risk out of it is to mitigate the risk at the outset. The risks are things like your partner becoming abusive, your partner finding a new partner/having children outside your marriage, you having taken a 10+ year break from developing skills or a network, your partner divorcing you after your children are 18 so no child support. There are a million what ifs you aren’t taking into account.

Postnuptial which explicitly gives you 50% assets, sole title to home or property which can be a home, and an agreed alimony figure regardless of the age of the children (and make sure it accounts for inflation using the SSA calculation). I believe child support cannot be negotiated in a post-nup but the rest can, and doing SAH without such an agreement is taking an enormous risk. If your DH isn’t going to agree to that (which is ultimately what you’d get in a reasonable divorce) there’s a red flag you also shouldn’t ignore.

This is excellent advice that I wish I had had when naive @ work place based affairs and how over time we'd, from ex's perspective, have less and less in common. OP, maintain a career and network. Ideally, a career that can be ramped up or dialed down.

Stepping out of the workforce entirely was the dumbest thing I ever did. One child had mild SN and a lot of appointments and I thought doing SAH for a while balanced everyone's needs. Post-divorce there was drastically less money for things like private therapies, ex throttled back earnings and I was scrambling, without recent work experience and with a network that was out of date.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s also the risk that the dh gets bored - I’ve seen it happen where when the kids are a little older they have zero in common w sahw and much more in common w career women - esp at high net worth. So risky

I never thought it would happen to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The way I've seen this play out is that the high earner spouse limits the funds that the lower earning spouse has access to during the divorce, then they hire a shark and slow the process down, so it could take years for c/s and alimony to be decided and during that time the low-earner is also racking up high legal bills. Additionally, I know a number of cases where the high earner threatened to pursue full custody with their endless resources and got the low-earner to settle for less in exchange for 50/50.

This does happen.

OP, keep your career going and viable.

That kind of disparity often seems to lead the working partner into affairs with people he feels he has more in common with. Your assumptions about alimony and child support are unrealistic these days.

So by this logic I am financially safer as a middle class SAH then the OP. What's the point of having the all that money if you have to protect yourself from it? Bc that's what keeping her job becomes. Protecting herself from her husband's success. It's literally the opposite of what marriage is supposed to be for.

This right here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, Im considering the same question - DH hit $2+M this year and I make $200k. We have three young kids. I have higher earning potential (could probably get to $350k), but then we would both have “big” jobs and no one would be with the kids. Obviously not what we want, so Im figuring out how to SAH and feel comfortable with the risk.

DH offered a post nup, if that would be helpful, as we have been discussing my fears about quitting my job. I appreciate that we can talk about it, and I truly think DH is not a jerk, so I think he would do right by the kids if we did divorce (they are in private school, have a nice lifestyle). However, while we have foot savings/retirement, we expect it to take 7 more years to hit our “number” for early retirement, so divorce before then would be challenging.

I think we have a strong marriage, I think we have good communication, and we have both been willing to work with a therapist in the past, so I don’t have active fears of divorce, but it’s hard to be financially dependent on someone else after having been independent for so many years.

I think I will end up quitting, and one of my requirements will be that all of DH’s income gets out in our joint account so I have access to the funds all the time, and that I manage all the money. I think DH will be fine with that, and my plan is to set aside an amount into my own account each month so I have my own nest egg.

We also have DH with life insurance in the amount of our “number” for retirement, so if he died unexpectedly I wouldn’t have to worry about working immediately (or maybe ever). DH also has disability insurance for 60% of his earnings.

DH LOVES his job. I wouldn’t even consider quitting if DH didn’t enjoy his work - he seriously get energy from working. I’m happy for him that he makes a lot doing something he loves. He doesn’t always love the long hours, but he loves the majority of the work he does.

Finally, we are living a nice lifestyle, but our expenses are around $350K per year (obviously need higher gross income to support that). So we continue to live below our means, so in the instance of divorce/disability/death, there is no need for a significant lifestyle shift.

What ? His income is NOT coming to joint accounts already and you are considering to quit? Please, don’t ! And people who rely on life insurance - be mindful the beneficiary can be changed after divorce. Even if the court mandate him to maintain it (which is hard to get), he can change beneficiaries against that ruling. Ex wife will get embroiled in a lengthy dispute with insurance companies if he dies

+1000000. I do not know why women even allow this. This is a red flag.

DP (and an attorney). We have our paychecks deposited into our personal checking accounts and transfer to our family checking as needed to pay bills. (Literally I tell DH to transfer $X to pay for Amex or something.) I personally do it so I don’t have to have MY check deposited into a joint account and at risk if something were to happen. I’ve heard too many stories of men cleaning out joint accounts.

So basically women do it to protect their own paycheck.

I also have $20k in my own savings + two credit cards that I had before we married. So if catastrophe were to ever strike, I would have access to lord of cash/credit quickly.

And like PP, I make $200K+, could probably get to $350k if I really tried, and have DH who makes mid to high 7 figures.

This is a dumb rationale. If something happens you can just have the employer deposit into a different account going forward. Unless you make more than your DH, then you’re stupid to think this is protecting you.

PP. I’ve worked a lot with HR so I can spot a few assumptions in your response.

1. Wife maintained her own checking account after marriage. Most women I know closed them down.
2. Corporate HR has its act together enough to process a new direct deposit in time. They tend to make a lot of mistakes.
3. Payroll change windows haven’t closed before the payroll runs.

So imagine that your pay date is Jan 15. You’re served with divorce papers that morning and when you check your joint account, you realize your paycheck is gone. If you have the emotional bandwidth (and I doubt anyone would), you could go the HR and set up a new direct deposit for Jan 31. Hopefully you already have account set up and HR doesn’t make any mistakes. (And what do you in the meantime.) But maybe you don’t have your own account, so you set one up. And figure your life out. And then you change the DD. But the payroll change window may be closed (because you’re say, 3 days out),and the money is going into your joint account still. You could always get a live paycheck but that’s its own headache.

I’m not saying it’s full proof, but I’m saying it’s a scenario that people should think about.

And my husband’s seven-figure bonuses? He shows me the paperwork listing the amount, the direct deposit, and then transfers to balance into our joint brokerage account. I figure if I get slapped with a divorce, I’m in survival mode at first and just need immediate cash on hand via my paycheck and savings.

Of course, I welcome (constructive) feedback.

[Anonymous]

We're in a much lower income range, but my husband makes multiples of my salary. For me, the worst case financial scenario isn't that he divorces me or even if he dies, it's if he becomes permanently disabled and cannot work. It's less common than the divorce scenario, but would be devastating with the loss of income and health insurance for a SAHM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s also the risk that the dh gets bored - I’ve seen it happen where when the kids are a little older they have zero in common w sahw and much more in common w career women - esp at high net worth. So risky

I never thought it would happen to me.

This came up in a thread a year or 2 ago. Basically several posters observed the phenomenon of the high earning man leaving his (former teacher, lawyer) SAHW for a professional colleague or peer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We're in a much lower income range, but my husband makes multiples of my salary. For me, the worst case financial scenario isn't that he divorces me or even if he dies, it's if he becomes permanently disabled and cannot work. It's less common than the divorce scenario, but would be devastating with the loss of income and health insurance for a SAHM.

For sure! Make sure to get STD and LTD on him. He probably has policies through work, but they typically pay only 60% up to a threshold. You can buy supplemental on the private market.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We're in a much lower income range, but my husband makes multiples of my salary. For me, the worst case financial scenario isn't that he divorces me or even if he dies, it's if he becomes permanently disabled and cannot work. It's less common than the divorce scenario, but would be devastating with the loss of income and health insurance for a SAHM.

This or death is my concern but we took out insurance, paid off our house/never upgraded and made sure we could pay for a state college for the kids....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is a magnet. Men that are high earners like that (no matter what they look like)?have endless options and end up feeling entitled to do what they want.

Over time, by middle age, he will cheat. Women at the office will be throwing it at him.

At the office, while travelling, etc.

He may move on with an AP and create another family.

You have no real idea or control over what your DH may do, OP. The vast majority of divorced spouses thought very pie in the sky like you, once upon a time. Your financial projections are not grounded in reality. Speak to a financial planner re: how to protect yourself and see how your DH reacts. Know his reaction may be different in a year or 5.

Over time you will have less and less in common as the vast majority of his time will be spent in the office.

You are not only taking financial risks with yourself but with your kids and their future as well.

[Anonymous]

It's funny to think that women married to rich guys are somehow vulnerable. You are going to make literally millions off of him if you get divorced and child support is going to be huge. Most of the SAH wives are never going to make that kind of money based on these posts, so consider yourselves lucky to be in this horrible situation lol

[Anonymous]

It's true that high-earning men cheat more, probably because of a mix of increased entitlement and opportunity. But, not all high-earning men cheat. And not all high-earning men who cheat initiate divorces; this is usually left in the wife's court.

I think it's fine to recognize increased risks but also, ahem, there are increased benefits of being married to a high-earner, I mean right? These blanket statements don't really help anyone. Like, "You should spend 40 hours a week working a job just in case your husband not only divorces you but tries to cheat you financially" is not good advice. If anything, I will get less alimony and CS if I am earning well at the time. Yes, life comes with risks, but we can't protect ourselves from all of them, nor do all risks spell complete doom for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's funny to think that women married to rich guys are somehow vulnerable. You are going to make literally millions off of him if you get divorced and child support is going to be huge. Most of the SAH wives are never going to make that kind of money based on these posts, so consider yourselves lucky to be in this horrible situation lol

This is what people forget.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After you put in 20 years Virginia will give you lifetime alimony, there are some calculations involved but I believe it winds up being around 40% of the spouses after-tax income

What is the law in Maryland?

And what happens if you move between the two which is common in DC area?