Those in your 40s and 50s, if you had kids later in life, do you regret it?

[Anonymous]

When I was little I was very close to my grandmother and great grandmother as well. I had my great until I was 12 and my grandma until I was 35. I honestly think it’s far less than ideal to have grandparents in their 70s when you are a baby, and parents who are the age of many grandparents. I don’t think the collision of puberty and perimenopause is at all ideal - my mother waited to have me until 30, then had a hysterectomy at 40 - she was chronically angry, aggravated, annoyed my entire preteens and teens and I always envied my friends who had younger moms who laughed and had fun with us.

I didn’t get to have children in my early twenties when I wanted to. I didn’t want to have them in my 40s when I was also struggling with GYN issues and onset of perimenopause. I definitely bitterly regret not having them young when I wanted to, but I more bitterly regret that we don’t have policies to support mothers and children at any age. If we did, we wouldn’t be staring down an alarming decline in birth rates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People on this board so blithely say that people can have kids into their 40s. I mean, obviously they can. But it's so, so sad. None of the kids of such people have grandparents (or won't have them for long). And those people won't be involved with their grandchildren in turn. It's a crazy huge cultural shift that no one acknowledges.

It's more than just about grandparents, too. You're setting your children up to lose you so young. It's impossibly twisted and I wish people would think twice about having kids so late. But this board is all sunshine and roses, even for 45 yos (!!).

If that’s what you think is “impossibly twisted” — people conceiving loved and wanted kids past the age you find it seemly — then your values are impossibly twisted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here we go with this same tired old topic again.

Look, the bottom line is simple: it's better to have kids young. Biology prefers it for a reason.

Of course older mothers are going to disagree, because they have to validate their choices or circumstances. All of this baloney about the benefits of having kids older -- being financially secure, having fun in your youth, etc. -- benefit the parents, not the kids. If, for example, you're a struggling grad student, having a kid doesn't hurt the kid because your future earnings potential is presumably high.

That's what we did. We got married in our early 20s, got our kids out of the way while going to grad school, and had all four before we were 30. Now our kids are full grown, and the parents of their kids' friends are closer to our age than theirs. And our kids didn't suffer economically, academically, or socially because we didn't wait until the timing was "perfect" by DCUM's definition. To the contrary, they thrived.

That’s entirely untrue. I had young parents. They were perpetually stressed about money, and had mediocre emotional regulation at best. They mellowed out a lot when they got older and matured. They should’ve waited 10 years and my sister and I might’ve had a better childhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People on this board so blithely say that people can have kids into their 40s. I mean, obviously they can. But it's so, so sad. None of the kids of such people have grandparents (or won't have them for long). And those people won't be involved with their grandchildren in turn. It's a crazy huge cultural shift that no one acknowledges.

It's more than just about grandparents, too. You're setting your children up to lose you so young. It's impossibly twisted and I wish people would think twice about having kids so late. But this board is all sunshine and roses, even for 45 yos (!!).

If that’s what you think is “impossibly twisted” — people conceiving loved and wanted kids past the age you find it seemly — then your values are impossibly twisted.

NP. You would be wrong and incredibly selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People on this board so blithely say that people can have kids into their 40s. I mean, obviously they can. But it's so, so sad. None of the kids of such people have grandparents (or won't have them for long). And those people won't be involved with their grandchildren in turn. It's a crazy huge cultural shift that no one acknowledges.

It's more than just about grandparents, too. You're setting your children up to lose you so young. It's impossibly twisted and I wish people would think twice about having kids so late. But this board is all sunshine and roses, even for 45 yos (!!).

If that’s what you think is “impossibly twisted” — people conceiving loved and wanted kids past the age you find it seemly — then your values are impossibly twisted.

You are impossibly twisted to believe that a 45 year old should have a baby. Look at all the boards on here with women clawing at every desperate attempt to conceive in any way possible, even so far to go to defying science by getting an egg or surrogate that’s not biologically theirs but pretends it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People on this board so blithely say that people can have kids into their 40s. I mean, obviously they can. But it's so, so sad. None of the kids of such people have grandparents (or won't have them for long). And those people won't be involved with their grandchildren in turn. It's a crazy huge cultural shift that no one acknowledges.

It's more than just about grandparents, too. You're setting your children up to lose you so young. It's impossibly twisted and I wish people would think twice about having kids so late. But this board is all sunshine and roses, even for 45 yos (!!).

If that’s what you think is “impossibly twisted” — people conceiving loved and wanted kids past the age you find it seemly — then your values are impossibly twisted.

My grandmother would love a baby. Should she have one?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People on this board so blithely say that people can have kids into their 40s. I mean, obviously they can. But it's so, so sad. None of the kids of such people have grandparents (or won't have them for long). And those people won't be involved with their grandchildren in turn. It's a crazy huge cultural shift that no one acknowledges.

It's more than just about grandparents, too. You're setting your children up to lose you so young. It's impossibly twisted and I wish people would think twice about having kids so late. But this board is all sunshine and roses, even for 45 yos (!!).

Hi! My parents were old -- 37 and 45 when I was born -- and I just want you to know sincerely that I think there are pros and cons to each and I don't for one minute regret that they had me when they did. Even though they're necessarily older grandparents. Even though it means they're facing down terminal illnesses while I try to pay for daycare. Even though it means all of my grandparents were dead by the time I graduated college. I loved the three grandparents I met and they were important to my life even though they were older. I remember being a bit gutted when I realized the average age of the American male meant I would likely lose my father before my own kids were grown. But I STILL don't think any of the parents on this board planning to have kids in their 40s need to think twice about having kids so late. Have your kids! Enjoy them! Mature parents are wonderful to have, too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People on this board so blithely say that people can have kids into their 40s. I mean, obviously they can. But it's so, so sad. None of the kids of such people have grandparents (or won't have them for long). And those people won't be involved with their grandchildren in turn. It's a crazy huge cultural shift that no one acknowledges.

It's more than just about grandparents, too. You're setting your children up to lose you so young. It's impossibly twisted and I wish people would think twice about having kids so late. But this board is all sunshine and roses, even for 45 yos (!!).

If that’s what you think is “impossibly twisted” — people conceiving loved and wanted kids past the age you find it seemly — then your values are impossibly twisted.

My grandmother would love a baby. Should she have one?

Possibly. How old is she? My daughter’s biological grandmother was 38 when my daughter was born.

People are living healthfully longer. I lost my own mother at 32 when I was only six.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People on this board so blithely say that people can have kids into their 40s. I mean, obviously they can. But it's so, so sad. None of the kids of such people have grandparents (or won't have them for long). And those people won't be involved with their grandchildren in turn. It's a crazy huge cultural shift that no one acknowledges.

It's more than just about grandparents, too. You're setting your children up to lose you so young. It's impossibly twisted and I wish people would think twice about having kids so late. But this board is all sunshine and roses, even for 45 yos (!!).

Eh, I had my kids in my mid 30s, but my great-grandmothers were actually the ones having kids into their 40s. The concerning cultural shift is that people are having fewer kids overall, and because old people on average are living longer than they used to, the demographics are shifting. It's estimated that by 2030 there will be more seniors than children in the US.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People on this board so blithely say that people can have kids into their 40s. I mean, obviously they can. But it's so, so sad. None of the kids of such people have grandparents (or won't have them for long). And those people won't be involved with their grandchildren in turn. It's a crazy huge cultural shift that no one acknowledges.

It's more than just about grandparents, too. You're setting your children up to lose you so young. It's impossibly twisted and I wish people would think twice about having kids so late. But this board is all sunshine and roses, even for 45 yos (!!).

If that’s what you think is “impossibly twisted” — people conceiving loved and wanted kids past the age you find it seemly — then your values are impossibly twisted.

NP. You would be wrong and incredibly selfish.

And who cares what you think?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here we go with this same tired old topic again.

Look, the bottom line is simple: it's better to have kids young. Biology prefers it for a reason.

Of course older mothers are going to disagree, because they have to validate their choices or circumstances. All of this baloney about the benefits of having kids older -- being financially secure, having fun in your youth, etc. -- benefit the parents, not the kids. If, for example, you're a struggling grad student, having a kid doesn't hurt the kid because your future earnings potential is presumably high.

That's what we did. We got married in our early 20s, got our kids out of the way while going to grad school, and had all four before we were 30. Now our kids are full grown, and the parents of their kids' friends are closer to our age than theirs. And our kids didn't suffer economically, academically, or socially because we didn't wait until the timing was "perfect" by DCUM's definition. To the contrary, they thrived.

That’s entirely untrue. I had young parents. They were perpetually stressed about money, and had mediocre emotional regulation at best. They mellowed out a lot when they got older and matured. They should’ve waited 10 years and my sister and I might’ve had a better childhood.

That's interesting. So you would be OK with having your parents die ten years earlier for you if it meant a better childhood?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People on this board so blithely say that people can have kids into their 40s. I mean, obviously they can. But it's so, so sad. None of the kids of such people have grandparents (or won't have them for long). And those people won't be involved with their grandchildren in turn. It's a crazy huge cultural shift that no one acknowledges.

It's more than just about grandparents, too. You're setting your children up to lose you so young. It's impossibly twisted and I wish people would think twice about having kids so late. But this board is all sunshine and roses, even for 45 yos (!!).

If that’s what you think is “impossibly twisted” — people conceiving loved and wanted kids past the age you find it seemly — then your values are impossibly twisted.

You are impossibly twisted to believe that a 45 year old should have a baby. Look at all the boards on here with women clawing at every desperate attempt to conceive in any way possible, even so far to go to defying science by getting an egg or surrogate that’s not biologically theirs but pretends it is.

sometimes I wonder about the venn diagram between this PP, and PPs on other threads talking about women who “open their legs” and deserve what they get …

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here we go with this same tired old topic again.

Look, the bottom line is simple: it's better to have kids young. Biology prefers it for a reason.

Of course older mothers are going to disagree, because they have to validate their choices or circumstances. All of this baloney about the benefits of having kids older -- being financially secure, having fun in your youth, etc. -- benefit the parents, not the kids. If, for example, you're a struggling grad student, having a kid doesn't hurt the kid because your future earnings potential is presumably high.

That's what we did. We got married in our early 20s, got our kids out of the way while going to grad school, and had all four before we were 30. Now our kids are full grown, and the parents of their kids' friends are closer to our age than theirs. And our kids didn't suffer economically, academically, or socially because we didn't wait until the timing was "perfect" by DCUM's definition. To the contrary, they thrived.

That’s entirely untrue. I had young parents. They were perpetually stressed about money, and had mediocre emotional regulation at best. They mellowed out a lot when they got older and matured. They should’ve waited 10 years and my sister and I might’ve had a better childhood.

That's interesting. So you would be OK with having your parents die ten years earlier for you if it meant a better childhood?

seems like a no brainer? childhood is more important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People on this board so blithely say that people can have kids into their 40s. I mean, obviously they can. But it's so, so sad. None of the kids of such people have grandparents (or won't have them for long). And those people won't be involved with their grandchildren in turn. It's a crazy huge cultural shift that no one acknowledges.

It's more than just about grandparents, too. You're setting your children up to lose you so young. It's impossibly twisted and I wish people would think twice about having kids so late. But this board is all sunshine and roses, even for 45 yos (!!).

If that’s what you think is “impossibly twisted” — people conceiving loved and wanted kids past the age you find it seemly — then your values are impossibly twisted.

You are impossibly twisted to believe that a 45 year old should have a baby. Look at all the boards on here with women clawing at every desperate attempt to conceive in any way possible, even so far to go to defying science by getting an egg or surrogate that’s not biologically theirs but pretends it is.

Everyone has kids for selfish reasons, whether it’s the 20 year old or the 45 year old. Yay for “defying science”, whatever that means!

[Anonymous]

Over here kind of amused that so many people are “so, so sad” over some women’s choices to have kids in their 40s. I’m over here with my popcorn as a 42 year old thinking about trying for a third. Because I kinda feel like it, and my two toddlers are so cute. I know, I know. Twisted! Selfish!