How To Help Boyfriend Relax?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean this with kindness, but you sound a little co-dependent.

It’s a pretty big red flag that 1. He’s being grouchy with you and 2. You think it’s your responsibility to take care of him so he’s not grouchy.

All you really have to say is “let me know how I can help”. Then trust he’ll let you know.

He needs to be responsible for learning how to manage his own stress. You can always be there for him, of course, but he needs to figure out if he needs exercise, alone time, connection with you, etc. It’s not your responsibility to manage his emotions.

OP here. I’ve been single more than I’ve been in relationships. I’ve very happy being by myself and don’t need anyone to make me happy. I’m a very caring person and don’t like to see people I love stressed.

He is never men’s or grouchy towards me. I will hear him be crabby towards friends or just doesn’t want to do anything, but he has never even raised his voice with me.

He always helps me when I’m stressed or having a bad day so I really like to help him. I’m not talking occasions stress. He can manage that. I just want our environment to be happy and comfortable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are not responsible for his happiness. And if he cannot handle stress now — wait until you are married with a toddler, a baby and aging parents. If he cannot figure this out now, it doesn’t bode well.

+1, work won’t get less stressful and there is no newborn to occupy you while he has corral the toddler. I would love to have a stressful 11 hour day and then come home to a supportive partner trying to reduce my stress- that seems like zen

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are not responsible for his happiness. And if he cannot handle stress now — wait until you are married with a toddler, a baby and aging parents. If he cannot figure this out now, it doesn’t bode well.

OP here. I never said I was responsible for his happiness and that he can’t manage his stress. He takes on a lot and handles things very well. He’s on overload with many things going on and I just want to help him having a relaxing and comfortable environment after work. He does the same for me when I’m stressed. He will cook I do take out, get some wine, massage me, etc., when he knows I had a bad or stressful day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean this with kindness, but you sound a little co-dependent.

It’s a pretty big red flag that 1. He’s being grouchy with you and 2. You think it’s your responsibility to take care of him so he’s not grouchy.

All you really have to say is “let me know how I can help”. Then trust he’ll let you know.

He needs to be responsible for learning how to manage his own stress. You can always be there for him, of course, but he needs to figure out if he needs exercise, alone time, connection with you, etc. It’s not your responsibility to manage his emotions.

OP here. I’ve been single more than I’ve been in relationships. I’ve very happy being by myself and don’t need anyone to make me happy. I’m a very caring person and don’t like to see people I love stressed.

He is never men’s or grouchy towards me. I will hear him be crabby towards friends or just doesn’t want to do anything, but he has never even raised his voice with me.

He always helps me when I’m stressed or having a bad day so I really like to help him. I’m not talking occasions stress. He can manage that. I just want our environment to be happy and comfortable.

What you want to be is a snowplow girlfriend.

Not my thing, but whatever works for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are not responsible for his happiness. And if he cannot handle stress now — wait until you are married with a toddler, a baby and aging parents. If he cannot figure this out now, it doesn’t bode well.

+1, work won’t get less stressful and there is no newborn to occupy you while he has corral the toddler. I would love to have a stressful 11 hour day and then come home to a supportive partner trying to reduce my stress- that seems like zen

OP here. We don’t want kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean this with kindness, but you sound a little co-dependent.

It’s a pretty big red flag that 1. He’s being grouchy with you and 2. You think it’s your responsibility to take care of him so he’s not grouchy.

All you really have to say is “let me know how I can help”. Then trust he’ll let you know.

He needs to be responsible for learning how to manage his own stress. You can always be there for him, of course, but he needs to figure out if he needs exercise, alone time, connection with you, etc. It’s not your responsibility to manage his emotions.

OP here. I’ve been single more than I’ve been in relationships. I’ve very happy being by myself and don’t need anyone to make me happy. I’m a very caring person and don’t like to see people I love stressed.

He is never men’s or grouchy towards me. I will hear him be crabby towards friends or just doesn’t want to do anything, but he has never even raised his voice with me.

He always helps me when I’m stressed or having a bad day so I really like to help him. I’m not talking occasions stress. He can manage that. I just want our environment to be happy and comfortable.

What you want to be is a snowplow girlfriend.

Not my thing, but whatever works for you.

OP here. Is this some type of sexual insult?

[Anonymous]

If he’s in investment banking incredibly long days and stress are a right of passage for an analyst. It’s crazy but it is what it is. It’s a brutal two years but te payout from surviving is big

[Anonymous]

This is what you get when you marry for money.

[Anonymous]

I agree with a pp “find a new boyfriend”. My now husband behaved like your bf when we were dating and I erroneously thought his stress would eventually pass. These days I can’t stand his agitation any longer and I feel it’s affecting my health.
Think about it and act before it’s too late.

[Anonymous]

Make sure you give him plenty of head. This would help him relax a lot. I know it does to me and a lot of my friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is what you get when you marry for money.

How do you know OP is marrying for money? She never said anything about money.

[Anonymous]

I wish I had a perfect solution for you, but I find working out, running, weight lifting helps me a little with the stress, but not as much as I’d like. What really works for me is doing something that requires almost no physical or mental exertion. Like sitting at the pool all day without looking at a phone or at the beach doing the same. I find a combination of being outside, away from people, and a super low mental/physical effort activity really helps me de-stress.

Don’t know if you’re in the DC area, but today I went for a 3 hour walk by myself at Occoquan Bay Wildlife Refuge. There was almost no one there and it did more to relax me than all the workouts I did this past week.

The key is to slow down and not occupy your time with alternate but equally demanding things. I get that the work grind stress is really hard to shake. I hope your boyfriend can find a good release valve for it.

[Anonymous]

Couples massage or a spa day? A Sporting event like the Nats? Winery visits after hiking out in Charlottesville? A hot bath with bubbles/candles? A movie and take-out? Yoga Class? Kayaking or SUP on the Potomac? Visit to the National Art Museum? Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Investment banking? It’s like a medical residency! It’s f—ing torture and is designed to weed out the weak. My husband is a surgeon and his residency was brutal and all I did was to try to make his life easy. He’d be stressed because sometimes it was life and death so I was there to listen and console but mostly to listen. I found the best way to help him relax was to take care of things and never complain about stupid stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get a new boyfriend.

OP here. This seems like a very immature response. Have you ever had a partner? Been in a relationship? People get stressed. Why would I break up with him just because he is stressed with work?

Why do you think he shouldn't be stressed? Why do you think it's your job to make him relax? Stress is part of life, it's a normal human emotion. I'm assuming your boyfriend is a grown man who I'm sure has encountered stress before you came into his life and knows what will work for him and what he needs to do to relax.


Is his stress causing him t be mean to you?

OP here. He isn’t mean to me. I like helping people and enjoy making others happy. He helps me out when I’m stressed - cooks, cleans, sends me off to get a massage, etc. I like being able to do the same.

1. He shouldn't get points for cooking and cleaning those are normal adult responsibilities that should be shared by the adults living in a house.

2. You are not responsible for another person's happiness or emotions in general, And your emotions should not be tied to theirs

3. It's okay to want to do nice things for an SO , but not to the extent where you think it's your responsibility to make sure they never experience a negative emotion.

4. Related to 3 ask him what he would like. You like getting massages. Maybe he would like that or a golf day. The point being, what he may find relaxing may not involve you. Can you handle that? Because sometimes having someone constantly around you trying to make you happy is actually more stressful.