How did you know you wanted a 3rd (or not)?

[Anonymous]

We just never felt complete. In premarital counseling we had discussed wanting 3-5 kids and how we both loved our families of origin, but felt they were too small.

I remember looking at my 2nd born and just knowing he wouldn't be my last baby. We loved infants, we loved our toddlers, we have a very strong marriage, finances aren't an issue, and we realized we were really really good parents. So we went for #3. Due to infertility I don't think we'll make it to #4. We also have a great support system with my family. My parents moved nearby and truly make things easier for us when emergencies arrive.

[Anonymous]

I thought we would stop at two, but DH was scheduled for his vasectomy and I freaked out. I couldn't stop crying day after day. I just realized I had no good reason for stopping at 2 - I just thought it was the normal thing to do. But I like this stage of life and wasn't ready for it to be over so soon.

A couple other things, which I know are sort of silly: I didn't want something to happen to one of my children and be left with just one child. Also, I want grandchildren one day, and I feel like the way things are today (with basically nobody having kids...), I up my odds of having at least one grandkid if I have three kids myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The bible says be fruitful and multiply

Michelle Duggar, is that you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is very specific but we live in NYC. NYC with two kids is great. Easy to get an Uber or a taxi, easy to get a table for 4 at a restaurant, easy to navigate public transportation with two adults and two kids, easy to get a babysitter for 2 and go out for the night, easier to pay for school tuition, easier to schlepp all of the kids to their various activities, easier to travel, easier to have and park a smaller car... add one more to the mix and everything gets thrown off. I also have two daughters and grew up with a sister and to me, that was just perfect.

That's interesting. We left Manhattan when our second was born. I would have been happy to stay in the city with one, but for us, two was the cut off in terms of the space we needed to live comfortably - living space, storage/toy space, bedrooms needed.

NP, but I'm also a happy NYC resident stopping at 2 because I feel like we can live comfortably with 2 but definitely not 3. One would have been much easier though!

[Anonymous]

3 was the number we always talked about but put a pause on it after the 2nd was born. 1 to 2 was a HARD transition for me, really hard. I wasn't ready to make any decisions for years. When #2 was 5 and I was 37, I was ready and still wanted a third. The pandemic put a hold on that for awhile but now I'm pregnant. We'll see if it's a mistake later, I guess but my kids are SO EXCITED and not having a toddler in the house while expecting is amazing.

[Anonymous]

I always wanted more, but I was just so happy with our family with two! I felt like I had all the things I always wanted: lots of love, kids playing together, etc.

I also have issues with anxiety and a chronic illness that is exacerbated by stress. When I was 36 I got pregnant as a result of birth control failing. I felt so conflicted but when I finally decided to terminate the pregnancy (at six weeks) it was such a weight off my shoulder. So I definitely know for sure that two kids is the right number for us.

[Anonymous]

This is how I feel now with 3 (two boys and a girl). So I know we probably shouldn’t have a fourth.

I didn’t feel done after the 2 boys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I always wanted more, but I was just so happy with our family with two! I felt like I had all the things I always wanted: lots of love, kids playing together, etc.

I also have issues with anxiety and a chronic illness that is exacerbated by stress. When I was 36 I got pregnant as a result of birth control failing. I felt so conflicted but when I finally decided to terminate the pregnancy (at six weeks) it was such a weight off my shoulder. So I definitely know for sure that two kids is the right number for us.

This mirrors my situation almost exactly, minus the chronic illness. Growing up I wanted 3+, but before having my 1st I struggled with serious infertility, so I felt incredibly lucky to have just one, let alone 2, and never thought 3 was a remote possibility. Last year, at 38, I found myself unexpectedly pregnant and was thrown into a major major state of anxiety. When I/we decided to terminate I knew it was the right decision because I felt immense relief. I have tried to turn that experience into a guide to remind me to embrace the strengths of my current family structure - the things I feared losing by adding another kid. It really crystalized priorities for how I want to live and raise my kids, so I always try to honor those priorities now. If I stood on the grounds of a great work-life balance and relatively stress-free parenting, for example, as my rationale for sticking with 2, I think about that every time I'm about to put my kids on hold so that I can finish up something non-urgent but work related, etc. Where I hesitated to take a 2 week vacation instead of 1 because of work, I lean towards 2 weeks now. When I feel frustrated by the lack of extra space in our small home, I reorient my thinking around all the things we love about and would have been devastated to give up to accommodate a bigger family. Basically, I'm trying to make good on my word on the things that were giving me anxiety during our decision period and which I felt would be impossible with 3 kids for us but which I said at the time we could manage with only 2. If that makes sense.

[Anonymous]

I really wanted a third. DH was on the fence. Our 2nd child became incredibly difficult right around her 2nd birthday and remains so to this day. We are now too old to consider a third (nearly mid 40s), so we have 2.

[Anonymous]

I just know I wanted it. I had two girls and wanted another baby. That baby is now 3 (others are 10 and 7 - we both work also) and things are pretty easy - like, a bit more complicated than when I had two but not that much. The new kid is so much fun and just brings in a whole new dynamic to the family. I love it!

[Anonymous]

How common do people think about the "what ifs" for a third kid, if you have 2 healthy kids already? For me that was a major factor. What if the third kid had serious health complications, etc. There's no clear reason for this to be such a prominent anxiety of mine (aside perhaps our ages) so I'm trying to get a sense of whether I'm alone in this being a top concern keeping us at 2 or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How common do people think about the "what ifs" for a third kid, if you have 2 healthy kids already? For me that was a major factor. What if the third kid had serious health complications, etc. There's no clear reason for this to be such a prominent anxiety of mine (aside perhaps our ages) so I'm trying to get a sense of whether I'm alone in this being a top concern keeping us at 2 or not.

but your two healthy kids might not remain healthy? i don’t want to up your anxiety but if you go down the road do the worst case possibilities it’s not clear that fewer is better.

[Anonymous]

I'm in the same position, OP. Before I had kids, I didn't have a firm idea about how many - I just defaulted to two because I knew I didn't want an only, but I also know kids are expensive and hard work so I didn't want to overshoot it either.

Then I had my first, and it was all pretty amazing and so I started to think about three. I figured I'd get to two first and see if I still felt the same.

Well, we ended up having a really difficult time getting pregnant with two but we finally did, DD was born and it was still wonderful but also of course pretty hard (pandemic did NOT help, of course).

Another couple years have gone by and now it's time to commit or move on WRT a third. During the long period of secondary infertility, I almost had to come to terms with only having one child, so a third pretty much dropped off my radar. I also got sick recently and a pregnancy at this point could potentially set me back again healthwise, but it also might be fine.

Despite all that, and that our house is small, daycare is $$$, and god do I want to get some baby stuff out of my house ....I still kind of want to go for it. Maybe it's because I know it's such a long shot fertility wise. I imagine we'll just stop prevention and if anything happens in the next year, well there you have it. And if not, I'll gleefully start clearing baby gear out of my tiny attic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in the same position, OP. Before I had kids, I didn't have a firm idea about how many - I just defaulted to two because I knew I didn't want an only, but I also know kids are expensive and hard work so I didn't want to overshoot it either.

Then I had my first, and it was all pretty amazing and so I started to think about three. I figured I'd get to two first and see if I still felt the same.

Well, we ended up having a really difficult time getting pregnant with two but we finally did, DD was born and it was still wonderful but also of course pretty hard (pandemic did NOT help, of course).

Another couple years have gone by and now it's time to commit or move on WRT a third. During the long period of secondary infertility, I almost had to come to terms with only having one child, so a third pretty much dropped off my radar. I also got sick recently and a pregnancy at this point could potentially set me back again healthwise, but it also might be fine.

Despite all that, and that our house is small, daycare is $$$, and god do I want to get some baby stuff out of my house ....I still kind of want to go for it. Maybe it's because I know it's such a long shot fertility wise. I imagine we'll just stop prevention and if anything happens in the next year, well there you have it. And if not, I'll gleefully start clearing baby gear out of my tiny attic.

You should go for it if you feel this way, but let me be the cautionary tale from above, who felt it was a similar long shot (virtual impossibility, as I'd been told) who ended up pregnant. Defaulting to thinking you'd be ok with it because it probably won't happen is risky unless you're sure you'd be ok with it!

[Anonymous]

The more the merrier.

I like how each family dynamics change with more members. I think roles and conflicts can calcify with 2 kids, 2 parents. The second born becoming a big sibling changes their life, responsibilities, self perception.

Anyway, I have 4. I work gig jobs, we vacation locally, not a lot of frills. Its hard, the housework is constant, but there is a lot of magic seeing them all interact. I also think theyre each pretty dang patient and independent.