How did you know you wanted a 3rd (or not)?

[Anonymous]

I knew I would feel completely done after 3, but I felt on the fence after 2. We can afford it, and because I didn't feel totally done and most people don't regret their kids, we went for it. Pregnant with #3 now. After this I will be 100% done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have to ask then you shouldn’t have another.

So much this. This, this, this.

DH and I have three, we always wanted three, at no point after having two did we wonder, hm, should we still go for that third? It wasn't even a question.

We did discuss having a fourth, and were so uncertain that it became clear the answer was to not have one. We're both glad we didn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always wanted more, but I was just so happy with our family with two! I felt like I had all the things I always wanted: lots of love, kids playing together, etc.

I also have issues with anxiety and a chronic illness that is exacerbated by stress. When I was 36 I got pregnant as a result of birth control failing. I felt so conflicted but when I finally decided to terminate the pregnancy (at six weeks) it was such a weight off my shoulder. So I definitely know for sure that two kids is the right number for us.

This mirrors my situation almost exactly, minus the chronic illness. Growing up I wanted 3+, but before having my 1st I struggled with serious infertility, so I felt incredibly lucky to have just one, let alone 2, and never thought 3 was a remote possibility. Last year, at 38, I found myself unexpectedly pregnant and was thrown into a major major state of anxiety. When I/we decided to terminate I knew it was the right decision because I felt immense relief. I have tried to turn that experience into a guide to remind me to embrace the strengths of my current family structure - the things I feared losing by adding another kid. It really crystalized priorities for how I want to live and raise my kids, so I always try to honor those priorities now. If I stood on the grounds of a great work-life balance and relatively stress-free parenting, for example, as my rationale for sticking with 2, I think about that every time I'm about to put my kids on hold so that I can finish up something non-urgent but work related, etc. Where I hesitated to take a 2 week vacation instead of 1 because of work, I lean towards 2 weeks now. When I feel frustrated by the lack of extra space in our small home, I reorient my thinking around all the things we love about and would have been devastated to give up to accommodate a bigger family. Basically, I'm trying to make good on my word on the things that were giving me anxiety during our decision period and which I felt would be impossible with 3 kids for us but which I said at the time we could manage with only 2. If that makes sense.

Wow, I love this. I'm seriously inspired.

[Anonymous]

I had twins my first go round completely out of the blue and that pretty much killed any interest in having more kids (could happen again!). They are 8 and I finally feel like I can have some semblance of my life back and really, really enjoy their company.

[Anonymous]

We have 2, and are happy with it. Here's how I know that 2 was the right number for us..about 20% of the time, I think I'd like a 3rd (this is with a 5 year old and 2.5 yr old already), the remaining 80% I'm happy with two. Unless/until that ratio changes, we're done. The flaw with this, is that, as they get older and out of this difficult, chaotic, joyous phase--its possible the split will change but we'll be too old to have a third. I'll take that chance!

[Anonymous]

After we had two kids, we both wondered if we should have a third. Had the third and didn’t feel the need to have a fourth. That’s how we knew that three was the right number for us. Having said that, obviously it is way more challenging financially having another kids. And scheduling/driving 3 kids to their activities is no joke with two working parents. But we can’t imagine our family without our youngest. When one of my kids is away, my other two feel like the house is too quiet. If you can afford to have a third without sacrificing saving for your retirement and/or quality of life for your two kids, I say go for it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How common do people think about the "what ifs" for a third kid, if you have 2 healthy kids already? For me that was a major factor. What if the third kid had serious health complications, etc. There's no clear reason for this to be such a prominent anxiety of mine (aside perhaps our ages) so I'm trying to get a sense of whether I'm alone in this being a top concern keeping us at 2 or not.

.

I absolutely went through this. I actually cried at my first OB appointment for child number 3 asking her if I had made a mistake because I was so nervous about "rocking the boat" having two healthy kids already. Doc assured me she's heard it before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have to ask then you shouldn’t have another.

So much this. This, this, this.

DH and I have three, we always wanted three, at no point after having two did we wonder, hm, should we still go for that third? It wasn't even a question.

We did discuss having a fourth, and were so uncertain that it became clear the answer was to not have one. We're both glad we didn't.

I don't agree at all. We went back and forth a LOT before deciding on our third. Happy we did it, but it wasn't a given after baby two.

[Anonymous]

I grew up in a family of three and my husband was one of six. He was happy with two but I really wanted three even though we both were working. He said it was my decision and he would be all in and he was. Money wasn’t a big issue and that helped with the decision.

[Anonymous]

I feel very strongly that people should be doing more about climate change. Drastically more. Hypothetically, if I have two kids, and they each have two kids, I’d get four grandkids. If I have three kids, and then they have three kids, we’d end up with nine. The Earth just can’t take that. I don’t want to be hypocritical and tell other people to have two when I have three or four, so we stopped at two. I used to want four, but we’re at an age where it’s more risky, so that helps me stay content.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel very strongly that people should be doing more about climate change. Drastically more. Hypothetically, if I have two kids, and they each have two kids, I’d get four grandkids. If I have three kids, and then they have three kids, we’d end up with nine. The Earth just can’t take that. I don’t want to be hypocritical and tell other people to have two when I have three or four, so we stopped at two. I used to want four, but we’re at an age where it’s more risky, so that helps me stay content.

Eh... think about this one a little more.

[Anonymous]

After my second was born I just didn’t feel done. DH was on the fence. I think he’d have been happy with 2. But we talked about it and I told him really firmly that I wouldn’t resent him if he wanted to stop by we needed to make a decision and it he wasn’t fully enthusiastically onboard than I didn’t want to have #3. We had her and she’s a delight but it is for sure harder. We are greeting every new exciting departure of a phase forever with glee (bye bye bottles!!) and have zero temptation to go for 4. I had my tubes confidently tied during the c section.

As for the what if’s I have to admit that has never resonated with me. And it’s not because I don’t think having a child with special needs or a disability is not extraordinarily challenging. But I mean, basically everything I do in life is a what if. What if the plane crashes, what if I hit my head on the diving board, what if a rip tide sweeps me out, what if a drunk driver crashes into me, what if I get cancer tomorrow? We aren’t guaranteed anything, have to just muddle through the best we can. So I don’t think about what if’s that often, they will happen or they won’t, I’ll just keep meeting them as they come.

[Anonymous]

I’ve always wanted a 3rd (or 4th even)
My husband very firmly wants to stick w 2 so we will stick w 2.
How did I know? I felt even w all the challenges of raising kids (and our 2 -while wonderful, healthy, great, etc-are not the easiest kids) I still wanted a bigger family/felt that our family isn’t quite complete. But I have to respect my spouse’s wishes, his no wins…it has to. I love him and respect our marriage and co-parenting relationship so much and could never rock that boat.

[Anonymous]

I always wanted two. Once my second turned 2 I started feeling like we weren’t really done. Life was good, everything was getting easier again, but I was not done. We discussed it with my husband who was not sure either way as well. We ended up getting pregnant the first month we stopped taking precautions and felt it was a sign.

My son was born 2.5 years ago and he is great! Very happy to have added a boy to the mix!

That said, life is A LOT harder (Covid did not help). My son is wonderful and healthy, but a handful. Finances are tighter because we need to keep our FT nanny longer and son is starting private preschool in September, etc.

Overall, we are very happy because our life is much richer thank to our baby boy… but it is also more difficult in many ways

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have to ask then you shouldn’t have another.

So much this. This, this, this.

DH and I have three, we always wanted three, at no point after having two did we wonder, hm, should we still go for that third? It wasn't even a question.

We did discuss having a fourth, and were so uncertain that it became clear the answer was to not have one. We're both glad we didn't.

I don't agree at all. We went back and forth a LOT before deciding on our third. Happy we did it, but it wasn't a given after baby two.

Yea, I really disagree too. I was *so* on the fence about another, went back and forth all the time, and we decided to go for it eventually. Couldn't imagine my life without three!