“Calm down” is it inappropriate?

[Anonymous]

How about:

“I think we should take a break and talk about this when we feel calmer.”

[Anonymous]

It is often used by people who are nervous and not calm themselves! IME, mostly by husbands to wives, but then they are protecting and they are actually a nervous wreck!
Yes, it is gaslighting.
However, telling someone to stop being nuts, in some way can be productive.
I once stopped my utterly off his rocker DH to stop talking and move away. He was trying to shove the range into our Suburban. It was not going in all the way. All he did was push, push, push, and started being a nervous mess with no thinking skills. I looked and saw that something was blocking it. As I was to move it, he told me to step aside and move away in that nasty rude tone, like mansplaining!
So, I told him, in front of his dad, to shut the eff up, and move away.
Guess who got a large range into the car at all of her 107lbs? On that one try? Effing asshole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Calm down” is it inappropriate?
I thought “calm down” was generally considered infuriating.

Sounds like a gas l hating deflection from someone who is avoiding the issue at hand. They’d rather aggravate you than solve the problem as a team. And by acting aloof and ignorant saying Calm Down they think they’re fooling someone - an audience? Themselves? - that they got it together. And continue to neglect the issue, making it snowball.

[Anonymous]

It’s a way to escalate something and not provide a valid response.

Try it for a week and see how many people you piss off and how many problems never resolve!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How about:

“I think we should take a break and talk about this when we feel calmer.”

Pre-scripted arguments in therapy-speak are so unsatisfying, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How about:

“I think we should take a break and talk about this when we feel calmer.”

Pre-scripted arguments in therapy-speak are so unsatisfying, though.

Yeah, that would not be any more effective with me than saying, "calm down". Why do people have to be calm to have their feelings heard? Not being calm signals something about the importance of those feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How about:

“I think we should take a break and talk about this when we feel calmer.”

Pre-scripted arguments in therapy-speak are so unsatisfying, though.

Yeah, that would not be any more effective with me than saying, "calm down". Why do people have to be calm to have their feelings heard? Not being calm signals something about the importance of those feelings.

My thoughts exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one, in the history of calming down, has ever calmed down by being told to calm down. Infuriating.

+1

At best, it's completely ineffective. At worst, it comes of as sexist, dismissive, mean, and/or uncaring.

Not sure about the sexist part. My wife occasionally tells me to calm down and it makes me angrier. I assume it would have the same impact going the other way. I agree with the rest.

Society generally views a woman’s emotional expression as undesirable, overblown, hysterical, etc. A man’s anger is acceptable but a woman’s isn’t. This is obviously a generalization but there is a huge gendered component to the problem with saying “calm down.”

What society are you living in? In the society I'm in, it's men who are not allowed to express any negative emotion at all because any such expression is treated as anger, and any anger is "toxic". It's ridiculous. Sometimes anger is over the top or a harbinger of violence. Sometimes it's just an expression of the intensity of the person's feelings, which other people could take as a cue that there's something to pay attention to. Women have monopolized the "valid" modes of expressing emotion now.

[Anonymous]

I am a woman and I do think that saying calm down is appropriate in some situations.

Sometimes people are getting to hysterical to think and really only upsetting themselves more and more. I have seen adults pause and collect themselves after being told this in a not snarky way.

Sure, they might still go on complaining which is fine but at least they don't wind themselves up to a point where they feel out of control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How about:

“I think we should take a break and talk about this when we feel calmer.”

Well, now that second "we" is just patronizing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one, in the history of calming down, has ever calmed down by being told to calm down. Infuriating.

+1

At best, it's completely ineffective. At worst, it comes of as sexist, dismissive, mean, and/or uncaring.

Not sure about the sexist part. My wife occasionally tells me to calm down and it makes me angrier. I assume it would have the same impact going the other way. I agree with the rest.

Society generally views a woman’s emotional expression as undesirable, overblown, hysterical, etc. A man’s anger is acceptable but a woman’s isn’t. This is obviously a generalization but there is a huge gendered component to the problem with saying “calm down.”

What society are you living in? In the society I'm in, it's men who are not allowed to express any negative emotion at all because any such expression is treated as anger, and any anger is "toxic". It's ridiculous. Sometimes anger is over the top or a harbinger of violence. Sometimes it's just an expression of the intensity of the person's feelings, which other people could take as a cue that there's something to pay attention to. Women have monopolized the "valid" modes of expressing emotion now.

DP. Well, I live in the same society above pp lives in, which is in Maryland. Women are hysterical, overemotional, overreacting, having PMS, having issues. And if you are a black woman, your emotions are all that I listed on steroids. You are confusing emotional expression with anger and violence. It is not desirable to see men acting violently, they still do and, in that same society I live in, it is often excused with, oh, he was provoked! Often by the "unacceptably emotional hysterical woman!"
So, get a grip!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one, in the history of calming down, has ever calmed down by being told to calm down. Infuriating.

+1

At best, it's completely ineffective. At worst, it comes of as sexist, dismissive, mean, and/or uncaring.

Not sure about the sexist part. My wife occasionally tells me to calm down and it makes me angrier. I assume it would have the same impact going the other way. I agree with the rest.

Society generally views a woman’s emotional expression as undesirable, overblown, hysterical, etc. A man’s anger is acceptable but a woman’s isn’t. This is obviously a generalization but there is a huge gendered component to the problem with saying “calm down.”

What society are you living in? In the society I'm in, it's men who are not allowed to express any negative emotion at all because any such expression is treated as anger, and any anger is "toxic". It's ridiculous. Sometimes anger is over the top or a harbinger of violence. Sometimes it's just an expression of the intensity of the person's feelings, which other people could take as a cue that there's something to pay attention to. Women have monopolized the "valid" modes of expressing emotion now.

I’m in the United States.

Don’t confuse what people want gender expectations to be like with what they actually are. Just because women are vocally pointing out the problem doesn’t mean the problem has gone away.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-big-questions/201809/gender-norms-emotional-expression

[Anonymous]

LOL I couldn’t wait to open this because I just knew it would be a cascade of half baked feminist therapy speak peppered with the word “gaslighting”. Not disappointed!

There are times when adults might lose their temper or sense of perspective. There is nothing wrong with a loved one in those situations telling you to calm down. Often, that’s what’s needed. I do think a gentler delivery “hey, not that serious, can we calm down and figure it out?” is sometimes more effective. But sometimes not. If you’re hearing this message more than very occasionally, then you need to examine your behavior and learn to control yourself.

And point of fact: many people of both genders rarely if ever behave or speak to others in a way where it is necessary to calm down. Don’t delude yourself that your emotional dysregulation is just OK and something others should have to endure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:LOL I couldn’t wait to open this because I just knew it would be a cascade of half baked feminist therapy speak peppered with the word “gaslighting”. Not disappointed!

There are times when adults might lose their temper or sense of perspective. There is nothing wrong with a loved one in those situations telling you to calm down. Often, that’s what’s needed. I do think a gentler delivery “hey, not that serious, can we calm down and figure it out?” is sometimes more effective. But sometimes not. If you’re hearing this message more than very occasionally, then you need to examine your behavior and learn to control yourself.

And point of fact: many people of both genders rarely if ever behave or speak to others in a way where it is necessary to calm down. Don’t delude yourself that your emotional dysregulation is just OK and something others should have to endure.

I guess you missed my comment that said it is often said by men gaslighting women, and that I have asked my husband to remind me to be calm when it looks like I might lose my temper with my kids?

Be more rational, okay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m going to disagree here. If my DH told me to calm down, I would think I had crossed a line and back off a bit, but that’s just our relationship. I don’t think it’s a big deal. I tell my kids to calm down all the time. Is that ok?

Really isn’t ok. It used to be ok but now it’s not. You need different words.

Like what?

DP

I think you instead respond to the substance of what a person is saying.