“Calm down” is it inappropriate?

[Anonymous]

So awesome! A woman expressed her opinion about emotional expression and women and she was told she is wrong and the opposite is the truth!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How about:

“I think we should take a break and talk about this when we feel calmer.”

Pre-scripted arguments in therapy-speak are so unsatisfying, though.

Yeah, that would not be any more effective with me than saying, "calm down". Why do people have to be calm to have their feelings heard? Not being calm signals something about the importance of those feelings.

My thoughts exactly.

It also very quickly can over-escalate to the point where you’re just hurling anger at one another. It’s like “why would you not keep riding the runaway horse”?

[Anonymous]

I rarely get over-upset to a point where my DH has used the words "calm down" on me - I can't recall any specific instances or times. But I do know when he does that I will ramp up and tell him to stop telling me to "calm down" because it is OK that I'm upset and I would ramp up even more if he pushed the issue. Sure, maybe I could calm down. But if I'm getting visibly emotional - it means something is REALLY wrong and you should listen.

I've also stopped my DH from using that phrase on my kids. Ridiculous directions, telling me to regulate my reaction to something so he is more comfortable. No way is it appropriate.

[Anonymous]

You can't say this to another adult (especially to a woman). Unless you are Taylor Swift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So awesome! A woman expressed her opinion about emotional expression and women and she was told she is wrong and the opposite is the truth!

Well, yes, women can disagree. It’s a thing that happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m going to disagree here. If my DH told me to calm down, I would think I had crossed a line and back off a bit, but that’s just our relationship. I don’t think it’s a big deal. I tell my kids to calm down all the time. Is that ok?

Really isn’t ok. It used to be ok but now it’s not. You need different words.

Like what?

The parent needs to be the example of calm, not tell the child to be calm.

There are two things going on:

1) children (and many adults) often don’t know how to regulate their emotions. Emotional regulation comes naturally with maturity and it is also a learned skill. Kids shouldn’t be expected to just be calm without being taught how.

2. Often when somebody says “calm down,” they are escalating the emotional volatility of the situation, putting the onus of deescalation on the person who is already upset. This usually doesn’t work with kids, and when it does, it probably is emotionally unhealthy.

3. If “calm down” isn’t immediately followed by listening and emotional validation, it’s very invalidating.

[Anonymous]

For some people it is useful, for others it is not.

My anxiety spirals out of control and sometimes I don't even realize I am saying the same thing over and over again. My dh saying "Please calm down you are anxious", helps me understand what is going on.

Someone barking "calm down" doesn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m going to disagree here. If my DH told me to calm down, I would think I had crossed a line and back off a bit, but that’s just our relationship. I don’t think it’s a big deal. I tell my kids to calm down all the time. Is that ok?

Really isn’t ok. It used to be ok but now it’s not. You need different words.

Like what?

The parent needs to be the example of calm, not tell the child to be calm.

There are two things going on:

1) children (and many adults) often don’t know how to regulate their emotions. Emotional regulation comes naturally with maturity and it is also a learned skill. Kids shouldn’t be expected to just be calm without being taught how.

2. Often when somebody says “calm down,” they are escalating the emotional volatility of the situation, putting the onus of deescalation on the person who is already upset. This usually doesn’t work with kids, and when it does, it probably is emotionally unhealthy.

3. If “calm down” isn’t immediately followed by listening and emotional validation, it’s very invalidating.

I wouldn't tell my kids to regulate their emotions in a way that I wouldn't tell an adult. That seems cruel, or at best teaches them the wrong lessons. I think it's better to acknowledge that they're really upset and inquire why and go from there.

If the intensity of their emotions is actually getting in the way of addressing the issue, maybe say something like, "I can see how upset you are right now and I want to help, but I'm having a hard time figuring out how to talk to you about it. So, maybe we should pause and I can collect my thoughts." In my experience, saying something like that actually calms the person down because they realize that I do want to help and getting that help is more important to them than being all riled up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m going to disagree here. If my DH told me to calm down, I would think I had crossed a line and back off a bit, but that’s just our relationship. I don’t think it’s a big deal. I tell my kids to calm down all the time. Is that ok?

Really isn’t ok. It used to be ok but now it’s not. You need different words.

Like what?

The parent needs to be the example of calm, not tell the child to be calm.

There are two things going on:

1) children (and many adults) often don’t know how to regulate their emotions. Emotional regulation comes naturally with maturity and it is also a learned skill. Kids shouldn’t be expected to just be calm without being taught how.

2. Often when somebody says “calm down,” they are escalating the emotional volatility of the situation, putting the onus of deescalation on the person who is already upset. This usually doesn’t work with kids, and when it does, it probably is emotionally unhealthy.

3. If “calm down” isn’t immediately followed by listening and emotional validation, it’s very invalidating.

I wouldn't tell my kids to regulate their emotions in a way that I wouldn't tell an adult. That seems cruel, or at best teaches them the wrong lessons. I think it's better to acknowledge that they're really upset and inquire why and go from there.

If the intensity of their emotions is actually getting in the way of addressing the issue, maybe say something like, "I can see how upset you are right now and I want to help, but I'm having a hard time figuring out how to talk to you about it. So, maybe we should pause and I can collect my thoughts." In my experience, saying something like that actually calms the person down because they realize that I do want to help and getting that help is more important to them than being all riled up.

I’m the immediate PP and I totally agree with all this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m going to disagree here. If my DH told me to calm down, I would think I had crossed a line and back off a bit, but that’s just our relationship. I don’t think it’s a big deal. I tell my kids to calm down all the time. Is that ok?

Really isn’t ok. It used to be ok but now it’s not. You need different words.

Like what?

The parent needs to be the example of calm, not tell the child to be calm.

There are two things going on:

1) children (and many adults) often don’t know how to regulate their emotions. Emotional regulation comes naturally with maturity and it is also a learned skill. Kids shouldn’t be expected to just be calm without being taught how.

2. Often when somebody says “calm down,” they are escalating the emotional volatility of the situation, putting the onus of deescalation on the person who is already upset. This usually doesn’t work with kids, and when it does, it probably is emotionally unhealthy.

3. If “calm down” isn’t immediately followed by listening and emotional validation, it’s very invalidating.

Things that work with my kid are asking him to pause and take a couple of breaths (while I'm modeling taking a couple of deep breaths), asking him if he would like help with whatever is frustrating him, asking him to go on a walk with me, etc. Everything I tell him are physical actions he can take a byproduct of which will be a calmer state of mind. He is autistic and struggles with emotional regulation.

[Anonymous]

I agree with most that “calm down” is usually infuriating. It’s kind of like telling someone having an asthma attack to “breathe.” I think more thoughtful responses that may include the words calm, down, or breathe can be helpful. “Stop crying” in the middle of a toddler tantrum is another unhelpful response, and about as useful as calm down. Take a deep breath, let’s take a break and discuss when emotions aren’t so high, here’s your inhaler, etc, could be helpful variations, but it’s all situational.

Sometimes the right response involves taking a break, sometimes it means finding a way to continue the conversation. It pretty much always involves empathy and validation, listening, and words that aren’t dismissive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one, in the history of calming down, has ever calmed down by being told to calm down. Infuriating.

[Anonymous]

I think directing it at the symptom might be more effective. Like please stop shouting at me. Or what’s wrong? Or a hug. Or just agree: yes that’s awful. Different words and actions for different circumstances. But calm down! Rarely calms anyone down. It just directs their anger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one, in the history of calming down, has ever calmed down by being told to calm down. Infuriating.

Love this one !

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m going to disagree here. If my DH told me to calm down, I would think I had crossed a line and back off a bit, but that’s just our relationship. I don’t think it’s a big deal. I tell my kids to calm down all the time. Is that ok?

Really isn’t ok. It used to be ok but now it’s not. You need different words.

Like what?

The parent needs to be the example of calm, not tell the child to be calm.

There are two things going on:

1) children (and many adults) often don’t know how to regulate their emotions. Emotional regulation comes naturally with maturity and it is also a learned skill. Kids shouldn’t be expected to just be calm without being taught how.

2. Often when somebody says “calm down,” they are escalating the emotional volatility of the situation, putting the onus of deescalation on the person who is already upset. This usually doesn’t work with kids, and when it does, it probably is emotionally unhealthy.

3. If “calm down” isn’t immediately followed by listening and emotional validation, it’s very invalidating.

I wouldn't tell my kids to regulate their emotions in a way that I wouldn't tell an adult. That seems cruel, or at best teaches them the wrong lessons. I think it's better to acknowledge that they're really upset and inquire why and go from there.

If the intensity of their emotions is actually getting in the way of addressing the issue, maybe say something like, "I can see how upset you are right now and I want to help, but I'm having a hard time figuring out how to talk to you about it. So, maybe we should pause and I can collect my thoughts." In my experience, saying something like that actually calms the person down because they realize that I do want to help and getting that help is more important to them than being all riled up.

I know that this the “right” way to do it in 2021, but I find this kind of talk way more annoying than just saying what you really mean (which is “calm down”). And what child is actually going to listen to and process the meaning of two whole wordy sentences coming out of your mouth, especially if they’re upset? I say “calm down.” I’ll continue to say “calm down.” My kids and I are good.