Manipulative sister who insists that we come to her DD's party and sacrifice time with grandparents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should stay in a hotel so you won’t be a burden on your mom. And just go for a week in July.

This -- although maybe your husband stays one night with the kids in the hotel and you stay over with your parents -- just the three of you -- so you can get a better sense of how her recovery is really going. Even if you went in August, all of you shouldn't stay with your parents -- that is too much for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should stay in a hotel so you won’t be a burden on your mom. And just go for a week in July.

This -- although maybe your husband stays one night with the kids in the hotel and you stay over with your parents -- just the three of you -- so you can get a better sense of how her recovery is really going. Even if you went in August, all of you shouldn't stay with your parents -- that is too much for her.

This is good advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would just stay at a hotel. And I'd fly. There's no need to drive eight hours.

Your mom is not going to be significantly better in August than she will be in July.

Nah. They have little kids and need a car. Rentals are really hard to come by right now.

[Anonymous]

YTA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would just stay at a hotel. And I'd fly. There's no need to drive eight hours.

Your mom is not going to be significantly better in August than she will be in July.

Spoken like someone who doesn't drive much. An eight-hour drive, even with kids, is totally manageable. By the time you get everyone to the airport, deal with car seats and rental cars and luggage and all that nonsense, even a two-hour flight is at least a six-hour time suck. Save your money, save the environment, save your sanity where you can hit whatever rest stop you need to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's the real reason you don't want to go for a week in July?

Can you not read? Due to OP's parent RECOVERING FROM SURGERY, *the parents* won't be up for a longer visit until August. A short visit in July is dictated by THE PARENTS needs, not OP's.

Yes, I can read.

"I feel like she’s not going to be really recovered enough for a good visit, though I get it that after surgery wanting to see all the grandkids is important to her. She understandably tires easily, and I know she would push herself to cook, clean, etc. even though I’d tell her not to."

OP unilaterally decided that her parents can't handle it in mid-July but will be able to handle it 2-3 weeks later in August. The surgery was in May. Of course her mother will be incrementally better in August, but she isn't actually going to be able to cook, clean, etc on either date.

[Anonymous]

I think a first birthday party is kind of a big deal and you COULD come in July if you wanted to. Younger siblings do come to a lot more stuff for their older siblings and then it's often not reciprocated, so I see your sister's point.

[Anonymous]

Go in July - you gave them a choice and they are making it to please your sister and your original offer says you'd be fine to go then too. Stop trying to control the fact that your parents want your sister to be happy too. She had her first kid during a global pandemic - I think you should show up for the birthday.

Stay at your sister's house for the weekend when the party is happening so you aren't with your parents the whole time.

I think the advice for you to stay with your parents for a night or two with your husband and kids is also helpful, if it's manageable. Maybe they stay at sisters a day or two longer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
The short version:
My mom had heart surgery a few weeks ago (I went to help right after for a week). As a family, we want to wait until August to make the eight-hour drive to visit and be able to have our family spend quality time together so that she’s more recovered and we can have a nicer visit. My youngest sister (lives 30 min from my parents) wants us to visit in mid July for her DD’s first birthday party. We let my folks decide - short July visit of 2-3 days because they won’t be up for a longer visit or August visit for a week? They picked August. Then my sister became despondent that we wouldn’t be there for the party, angry that she has gone to lots of things for our kids. My parents change their pick to July now, claim they were being selfish for wanting us to have a longer visit with them and not taking my sister into consideration. Now I’m really resentful of my sister for manipulating things. And don’t want to go to this party. How the heck should I proceed?


The long version:
We are a military family and live an eight-hour drive from my parents. We were stationed overseas for three years and moved back to the states late last summer. Prior to being overseas, we were about a five-hour drive from my parents. We do not like driving and my kids have a rough time in the car, we need to break that eight-hour drive into two days. We came up to visit in April over spring break, and prior to that came up last August. Would have visited over Christmas but, covid was raging.

My youngest sister lives 30 min from my parents and hometown. She has always lived very close. She’s planning a huge 1st birthday party for her daughter (her first child) in a few weeks.

My mom had open heart surgery in May. I flew up by myself to stay for a week and help out. Sister has also been helping out quite a bit, that’s not the issue.

My mom initially said she really wanted us to come up for the birthday party because she wanted all the grandkids together. I feel like she’s not going to be really recovered enough for a good visit, though I get it that after surgery wanting to see all the grandkids is important to her. She understandably tires easily, and I know she would push herself to cook, clean, etc. even though I’d tell her not to. The closest hotels are 20 min away and not an option, my parents want us to stay. We’d only want to stay for 2-3 nights max as that’s the most they could handle at this point. I’d much rather come up in late August and stay almost a week when she’s more healed and can have a longer and more meaningful visit.

So, I gave my parents the option - we will come up two more times this year. Put the ball in their court. They opted for Christmas and August. Great!

I had already told my sister we probably would not be coming when I came up to help after the surgery. She was pissed but I figured she would get over it. When I tell her on Tuesday that we were definitely not coming, she is clearly upset and crying, but says over and over that she understands and that we have to do what’s best for our family.

But she also goes on a tirade that she has come to lots of events for our family. That is true. When we lived five hours away she often came down for parties, baptisms, random weekends. I never expected her to come, she was single/had a boyfriend/engaged during those years, but always welcomed her. She also insists that I should check with her when we visit because she hates having to plan around us. Uhm, we were overseas for three years. We came back to the states to visit three times (way more than most others overseas), and frankly had to work around two sets of grandparents’ and our own work/availability, we were not going to throw anyone else in the mix. We did see her each time. She says she might not see us in August because she can’t take vacation from work. Fine! I have never asked her to take a day off for anything. (We did miss her daughter’s baptism in December because we were uncomfortable traveling and being in an enclosed space and unvaccinated and thought she was a little nuts to expect us to come under those conditions, because, covid.)

Yesterday I get a call from my dad that my sister is despondent that we are not coming. That she’s been having such a rough time lately (basement reno gone bad, depressed husband, lots of “no” RSVPs to this huge party). And that they are changing their minds and would like us to come up in July instead. He says he and my mom were being selfish for wanting us to come up for a longer time in August. Which is ridiculous - we are coming up to see them, that’s why we want to make this trip, so we and my kids can spend time with the grandparents, not for a party where we won’t actually be able to spend time with anyone. We have plenty of time in the future to see my sister, this heart scare for my mom puts it in perspective that my parents don’t have unlimited time here and I want them to spend time with their grandkids.

Okay, so my parents have changed their mind on our ultimatum. Fine. But now I am completely resenting my sister for manipulating the situation. If they changed their minds on their own that would be different, but now they are sacrificing more quality time with their grandkids to make my sister stop being upset. And the thought of going to the party now and smiling through it makes me sick.

We are generally a really drama-free family, this insanity is new to me. We are not making two trips this summer, it's just too much for us, even if we flew for one of them which is a huge pain and $$$$. Am I being unreasonable? Do I just suck it up and go with the flow here?

Lots of words but the bolded is what you really feel. You don't want to go, everything else is an excuse. However, it's your niece's first birthday and she has gone to your kid's stuff so go to it and make the best out of your time there.

[Anonymous]

I am the younger sister to older sisters and I can sympathize with your sister.

She came to all those events because she wanted to. Because she was excited to share the event with you, she loved you, she loved your kids. She thought you loved having her there. That it was important. And it probably was all those things but it doesn't diminish the reality right now that making the 8 hour trek in a car is hard, that you really want to spend time with your parents and want it to be a longer visit, that your kids are older and you probably don't put the same emphasis and importance on a 1st birthday party.

As the younger sister, it's just really hard to think about and does make you feel bad - isn't anyone excited about my child? doesn't anyone want to join me in celebrating? I thought my sister was going to be so happy for me and be here for me. And your sister is right now probably realizing in hindsight that she is mad that she bent over backwards to sometimes travel to your events when she didn't have to and at this point blames you (though she made the choice herself and don't worry she will figure that out too)

And it sounds like she is really struggling and your parents know it and want to be there when she is hurting. Wouldn't you want to do the same for your child?

And maybe it hurts your feelings a little bit to admit that your mom and dad are closer to your sister and that they will spend more time with her child than yours. And maybe you are even feeling some jealousy.

Go in July. Get your kids to help you pick the most amazing presents. Ask for the best tips from everyone you can regarding the car trip. Don't see it as a chore but a means to an end. Be so excited to see your sister, meet your niece and see your parents. Be there for your sister now, tell her it doesn't matter how many people show up to the party your family will be there and it will be great. Don't judge. Don't make your sister feel bad. You are too old and too much time has gone by. Maybe she won't change and that's ok but you have changed. You are not little kids anymore. Be as happy for her as she was for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's the real reason you don't want to go for a week in July?

Can you not read? Due to OP's parent RECOVERING FROM SURGERY, *the parents* won't be up for a longer visit until August. A short visit in July is dictated by THE PARENTS needs, not OP's.

No this is what OP has decided for her parents.

[Anonymous]

OP - your sister feels she is not a priority. To you. She does get to drive plans, sometimes. At least as often as you. The two of you are equal. Equal consideration. No one person gets to dictate more than another. Yes, I would guess, as the older sister, she has had to go with your lead. That can't be the same going forward of the two of you will never achieve a true peer relationship. You want to have a peer relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your sister is upset because she made the time and effort to come to all of your kids milestones and you are not reciprocating. I think her (perceived) manipulation is bad, but you not going to your niece’s first birthday is bad, too. Suck it up, go, and smile. Saying you didn’t expect her to come is a cop out. Did you invite her to these things?

Are you effing kidding me missing a one-year-old’s birthday is an egregious life altering atrocity? This woman has a one-year-old and a mother who just had heart surgery but she can’t imagine someone coming have a longer visit in August? So many of you need to grow up, I mean seriously like grow up take some grow up hills take a grow up class watch a grown-up movie just grow the F up

[Anonymous]

Your sister was wrong to throw a tantrum and your parents were wrong to give in. However you have to focus on your parents and whatever they want, that is what you cheerfully do.

Normally I'd be all like "boundaries" but the surgery means they get to call the shots for now.

[Anonymous]

OP the issue is YOU created this problem because YOU told your parents to pick.

They didn't pick the way you wanted--and they didn't pick for the "right reasons" in your mind. In your mind, "picking July because of a daughter's pressure to do so" is not "the right reason"

I totally get your position, but bottom line, you had them pick, and they ultimately picked July.

So you are going to create hard feelings/family dyamics if you don't just suck it up and go in July.

And just learn your lesson, and with this new information about how your sister and your parents operate together, don't create another situation like this, as you can see that your parents will cave to your sister, and your sister will pressure your parents.

Take the long view.