Manipulative sister who insists that we come to her DD's party and sacrifice time with grandparents

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06/25/2021 11:50

Subject: Manipulative sister who insists that we come to her DD's party and sacrifice time with grandparents

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Anonymous

The short version:
My mom had heart surgery a few weeks ago (I went to help right after for a week). As a family, we want to wait until August to make the eight-hour drive to visit and be able to have our family spend quality time together so that she’s more recovered and we can have a nicer visit. My youngest sister (lives 30 min from my parents) wants us to visit in mid July for her DD’s first birthday party. We let my folks decide - short July visit of 2-3 days because they won’t be up for a longer visit or August visit for a week? They picked August. Then my sister became despondent that we wouldn’t be there for the party, angry that she has gone to lots of things for our kids. My parents change their pick to July now, claim they were being selfish for wanting us to have a longer visit with them and not taking my sister into consideration. Now I’m really resentful of my sister for manipulating things. And don’t want to go to this party. How the heck should I proceed?

The long version:
We are a military family and live an eight-hour drive from my parents. We were stationed overseas for three years and moved back to the states late last summer. Prior to being overseas, we were about a five-hour drive from my parents. We do not like driving and my kids have a rough time in the car, we need to break that eight-hour drive into two days. We came up to visit in April over spring break, and prior to that came up last August. Would have visited over Christmas but, covid was raging.

My youngest sister lives 30 min from my parents and hometown. She has always lived very close. She’s planning a huge 1st birthday party for her daughter (her first child) in a few weeks.

My mom had open heart surgery in May. I flew up by myself to stay for a week and help out. Sister has also been helping out quite a bit, that’s not the issue.

My mom initially said she really wanted us to come up for the birthday party because she wanted all the grandkids together. I feel like she’s not going to be really recovered enough for a good visit, though I get it that after surgery wanting to see all the grandkids is important to her. She understandably tires easily, and I know she would push herself to cook, clean, etc. even though I’d tell her not to. The closest hotels are 20 min away and not an option, my parents want us to stay. We’d only want to stay for 2-3 nights max as that’s the most they could handle at this point. I’d much rather come up in late August and stay almost a week when she’s more healed and can have a longer and more meaningful visit.

So, I gave my parents the option - we will come up two more times this year. Put the ball in their court. They opted for Christmas and August. Great!

I had already told my sister we probably would not be coming when I came up to help after the surgery. She was pissed but I figured she would get over it. When I tell her on Tuesday that we were definitely not coming, she is clearly upset and crying, but says over and over that she understands and that we have to do what’s best for our family.

But she also goes on a tirade that she has come to lots of events for our family. That is true. When we lived five hours away she often came down for parties, baptisms, random weekends. I never expected her to come, she was single/had a boyfriend/engaged during those years, but always welcomed her. She also insists that I should check with her when we visit because she hates having to plan around us. Uhm, we were overseas for three years. We came back to the states to visit three times (way more than most others overseas), and frankly had to work around two sets of grandparents’ and our own work/availability, we were not going to throw anyone else in the mix. We did see her each time. She says she might not see us in August because she can’t take vacation from work. Fine! I have never asked her to take a day off for anything. (We did miss her daughter’s baptism in December because we were uncomfortable traveling and being in an enclosed space and unvaccinated and thought she was a little nuts to expect us to come under those conditions, because, covid.)

Yesterday I get a call from my dad that my sister is despondent that we are not coming. That she’s been having such a rough time lately (basement reno gone bad, depressed husband, lots of “no” RSVPs to this huge party). And that they are changing their minds and would like us to come up in July instead. He says he and my mom were being selfish for wanting us to come up for a longer time in August. Which is ridiculous - we are coming up to see them, that’s why we want to make this trip, so we and my kids can spend time with the grandparents, not for a party where we won’t actually be able to spend time with anyone. We have plenty of time in the future to see my sister, this heart scare for my mom puts it in perspective that my parents don’t have unlimited time here and I want them to spend time with their grandkids.

Okay, so my parents have changed their mind on our ultimatum. Fine. But now I am completely resenting my sister for manipulating the situation. If they changed their minds on their own that would be different, but now they are sacrificing more quality time with their grandkids to make my sister stop being upset. And the thought of going to the party now and smiling through it makes me sick.

We are generally a really drama-free family, this insanity is new to me. We are not making two trips this summer, it's just too much for us, even if we flew for one of them which is a huge pain and $$$$. Am I being unreasonable? Do I just suck it up and go with the flow here?