Manipulative sister who insists that we come to her DD's party and sacrifice time with grandparents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP the issue is YOU created this problem because YOU told your parents to pick.

They didn't pick the way you wanted--and they didn't pick for the "right reasons" in your mind. In your mind, "picking July because of a daughter's pressure to do so" is not "the right reason"

I totally get your position, but bottom line, you had them pick, and they ultimately picked July.

So you are going to create hard feelings/family dyamics if you don't just suck it up and go in July.

And just learn your lesson, and with this new information about how your sister and your parents operate together, don't create another situation like this, as you can see that your parents will cave to your sister, and your sister will pressure your parents.

Take the long view.

Seems that OP is used to getting her way and doesn’t attach much importance to her sister’s presence or events.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your sister is upset because she made the time and effort to come to all of your kids milestones and you are not reciprocating. I think her (perceived) manipulation is bad, but you not going to your niece’s first birthday is bad, too. Suck it up, go, and smile. Saying you didn’t expect her to come is a cop out. Did you invite her to these things?

Are you effing kidding me missing a one-year-old’s birthday is an egregious life altering atrocity? This woman has a one-year-old and a mother who just had heart surgery but she can’t imagine someone coming have a longer visit in August? So many of you need to grow up, I mean seriously like grow up take some grow up hills take a grow up class watch a grown-up movie just grow the F up

NP to this thread. OP, your projection and immaturity is showing.

I agree with others that for the most part, you are making a lot of excuses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
The short version:
My mom had heart surgery a few weeks ago (I went to help right after for a week). As a family, we want to wait until August to make the eight-hour drive to visit and be able to have our family spend quality time together so that she’s more recovered and we can have a nicer visit. My youngest sister (lives 30 min from my parents) wants us to visit in mid July for her DD’s first birthday party. We let my folks decide - short July visit of 2-3 days because they won’t be up for a longer visit or August visit for a week? They picked August. Then my sister became despondent that we wouldn’t be there for the party, angry that she has gone to lots of things for our kids. My parents change their pick to July now, claim they were being selfish for wanting us to have a longer visit with them and not taking my sister into consideration. Now I’m really resentful of my sister for manipulating things. And don’t want to go to this party. How the heck should I proceed?


The long version:
We are a military family and live an eight-hour drive from my parents. We were stationed overseas for three years and moved back to the states late last summer. Prior to being overseas, we were about a five-hour drive from my parents. We do not like driving and my kids have a rough time in the car, we need to break that eight-hour drive into two days. We came up to visit in April over spring break, and prior to that came up last August. Would have visited over Christmas but, covid was raging.

My youngest sister lives 30 min from my parents and hometown. She has always lived very close. She’s planning a huge 1st birthday party for her daughter (her first child) in a few weeks.

My mom had open heart surgery in May. I flew up by myself to stay for a week and help out. Sister has also been helping out quite a bit, that’s not the issue.

My mom initially said she really wanted us to come up for the birthday party because she wanted all the grandkids together. I feel like she’s not going to be really recovered enough for a good visit, though I get it that after surgery wanting to see all the grandkids is important to her. She understandably tires easily, and I know she would push herself to cook, clean, etc. even though I’d tell her not to. The closest hotels are 20 min away and not an option, my parents want us to stay. We’d only want to stay for 2-3 nights max as that’s the most they could handle at this point. I’d much rather come up in late August and stay almost a week when she’s more healed and can have a longer and more meaningful visit.

So, I gave my parents the option - we will come up two more times this year. Put the ball in their court. They opted for Christmas and August. Great!

I had already told my sister we probably would not be coming when I came up to help after the surgery. She was pissed but I figured she would get over it. When I tell her on Tuesday that we were definitely not coming, she is clearly upset and crying, but says over and over that she understands and that we have to do what’s best for our family.

But she also goes on a tirade that she has come to lots of events for our family. That is true. When we lived five hours away she often came down for parties, baptisms, random weekends. I never expected her to come, she was single/had a boyfriend/engaged during those years, but always welcomed her. She also insists that I should check with her when we visit because she hates having to plan around us. Uhm, we were overseas for three years. We came back to the states to visit three times (way more than most others overseas), and frankly had to work around two sets of grandparents’ and our own work/availability, we were not going to throw anyone else in the mix. We did see her each time. She says she might not see us in August because she can’t take vacation from work. Fine! I have never asked her to take a day off for anything. (We did miss her daughter’s baptism in December because we were uncomfortable traveling and being in an enclosed space and unvaccinated and thought she was a little nuts to expect us to come under those conditions, because, covid.)

Yesterday I get a call from my dad that my sister is despondent that we are not coming. That she’s been having such a rough time lately (basement reno gone bad, depressed husband, lots of “no” RSVPs to this huge party). And that they are changing their minds and would like us to come up in July instead. He says he and my mom were being selfish for wanting us to come up for a longer time in August. Which is ridiculous - we are coming up to see them, that’s why we want to make this trip, so we and my kids can spend time with the grandparents, not for a party where we won’t actually be able to spend time with anyone. We have plenty of time in the future to see my sister, this heart scare for my mom puts it in perspective that my parents don’t have unlimited time here and I want them to spend time with their grandkids.

Okay, so my parents have changed their mind on our ultimatum. Fine. But now I am completely resenting my sister for manipulating the situation. If they changed their minds on their own that would be different, but now they are sacrificing more quality time with their grandkids to make my sister stop being upset. And the thought of going to the party now and smiling through it makes me sick.

We are generally a really drama-free family, this insanity is new to me. We are not making two trips this summer, it's just too much for us, even if we flew for one of them which is a huge pain and $$$$. Am I being unreasonable? Do I just suck it up and go with the flow here?

Lots of words but the bolded is what you really feel. You don't want to go, everything else is an excuse. However, it's your niece's first birthday and she has gone to your kid's stuff so go to it and make the best out of your time there.

^^^ hit the nail on the head. OP it's obvious that you just don't want to go to your niece's bday party, because you just don't want to. Are there people there you don't want to see? Because 95% of your post is just circling around the fact that you don't want to go, for no reason and all excuses.

[Anonymous]

The truth is, OP, that you have always resented your sister’s presence and hate being at any event where she and her family are taking precedence over you and yours. Nothing makes your blood boil more than your parents taking her side. Grow up.

[Anonymous]

Ignoring everything else, I would never drive 8 hours one way for less than a week.

[Anonymous]

You suck, OP. Just go in July, go to the party, and stop being such a damn drama queen.

If you stay at your parents’ house and you feel that is overwhelming for them? HOTEL.

[Anonymous]

You are not a “drama” family because your sister has gone with the flow and done whatever worked for your family (husband and kids). That “manipulative” in the title says so much more about you and your disregard and her feelings than you seem to realize.

[Anonymous]

Disagree with all these crazy posters. Your sister is nuts. It is stupid to have a huge birthday party for a 1 year old. It is overwhelming for the kid. August makes sense for your visit but your sister seems very emotional so you may just have to suck it up and go in July.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Disagree with all these crazy posters. Your sister is nuts. It is stupid to have a huge birthday party for a 1 year old. It is overwhelming for the kid. August makes sense for your visit but your sister seems very emotional so you may just have to suck it up and go in July.

Oh hi OP, mad that responses didn't go as you assumed?

[Anonymous]

The younger sister may have just said, "My events have never been as important" (as sister's). "I have always gone out of my way to attend hers" "and older sister has not".

That is not throwing a tantrum. Op wasn't there. She doesn't know it was a tantrum. Maybe some uncomfortable Truths were heard, but that doesn't make it a tantrum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My mom initially said she really wanted us to come up for the birthday party because she wanted all the grandkids together.

That's what your mom wanted then, and that's what she wants now.

(Maybe this is a good time to help your kids develop more tolerance for time in the car. One thing that works for us is leaving early in the morning, like 5 a.m. Kids fall back asleep, and by the time they're up and ready for breakfast, we're many miles down the road. We have family who live 12 hours away, and while none of us love being in the car that many hours, we've learned how to do it in one day. It makes road trips much easier.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your sister is upset because she made the time and effort to come to all of your kids milestones and you are not reciprocating. I think her (perceived) manipulation is bad, but you not going to your niece’s first birthday is bad, too. Suck it up, go, and smile. Saying you didn’t expect her to come is a cop out. Did you invite her to these things?

Are you effing kidding me missing a one-year-old’s birthday is an egregious life altering atrocity? This woman has a one-year-old and a mother who just had heart surgery but she can’t imagine someone coming have a longer visit in August? So many of you need to grow up, I mean seriously like grow up take some grow up hills take a grow up class watch a grown-up movie just grow the F up

NP to this thread. OP, your projection and immaturity is showing.

I agree with others that for the most part, you are making a lot of excuses.

I was the the OP, a different poster.

[Anonymous]

I’m in the minority but I’m Team OP. I can’t believe a grown adult would care about a 1st birthday and whether far away family would come after a major surgery which will disrupt the visit. A longer visit in August sounds perfectly reasonable.

[Anonymous]

It's not about the Birthday! It's about Op never considering that her younger sister's events are -ever- as important as the same milestones were in her family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, but YTA.

You offered your parents a choice - they have chosen July. It's also better for your sister. So go in July!

You seem oddly attached to NOT working around your sister's schedule. She loves you. She wants to see you. She has done the hard work of travel whenever she can. She wants you to be involved in her children's lives. For your kids to know her kids, and she's not just talking - she's walking the walk, having traveled a lot to see you and your family. This is her first baby! You missed the baptism, for completely reasonable reasons, but she wants you there for her daughters first birthday. She's not "being manipulative" - she's trying to spend time with you, to have family events.

Now, obviously, you're not required to turn your life upside down for her. But you're planning two trips this year, and your plan was the present this information, fait accompli, to her, after consulting with your parents. Why not reach out to her and take her preferences into account as well? You're just making it so obvious that you travel to see your parents, and your sister just happens to live there too so you'll see her maybe if it works out. Sheesh.

This. Just go in July and see everyone and go to the party. It does sound like your sister went out of her way to be there for you in the past, even if you apparently didn't care one way or the other.

While your Mom has a heart problem, it's actually more important to socialize with the younger members of your family too.