Manipulative sister who insists that we come to her DD's party and sacrifice time with grandparents

[Anonymous]

Not to pile on, but go in July. Your parents will be happier and your sister was there for your events. This is a big deal to her, so be there for her. The first birthday party is really more for the new parents than the baby anyway.

It would be as if someone had gone to all her friends weddings and baby showers and then none of them came to hers (except that this is your family!).

[Anonymous]

All I hear from the OP is “me, me,me, me, me.” Team sister.

[Anonymous]

A few points, OP:

1. 3 years overseas isn't a long time. You and everyone else in your family should get over that concept. DH and I have been overseas for 20 years. Everyone in our families has had to adjust to that. It can be hard when death and disease rear their ugly heads.

2. Perhaps if you stay in a hotel, you can stay for longer than a few days. The party is only 30 minutes away from them. You can do this for your sister, who has attended your events.

3. And most importantly... It's safer to go in July. By August, the Delta variant and the Delta Plus and who knows what other more transmissible and more sickening Covid variants will have spread across the entire US. You do NOT want to give your fragile mother a more aggressive variant of Covid-19! I know you're mad at your sister and her manipulating your parents. But this is working out perfectly re-Covid variants. A party in July will actually be safer than no party in August.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your sister is upset because she made the time and effort to come to all of your kids milestones and you are not reciprocating. I think her (perceived) manipulation is bad, but you not going to your niece’s first birthday is bad, too. Suck it up, go, and smile. Saying you didn’t expect her to come is a cop out. Did you invite her to these things?

Yep, sounds like sister cares way more about the relationship than OP.

[Anonymous]

You mentioned that she said she may have to work the whole week that you’re there in August, and that it’s “fine!” with you - and also that while she traveled to attend all your events, you never asked her to do it. You are important to her but it isn’t reciprocated - you honestly don’t seem to give much of a F about her presence in your life.

You’re perceiving all of this to be manipulation on your sister’s part because you’re unable to put yourself in her shoes. But I get where her tears are coming from. She wants you to care about your relationship, and her baby. It’s a big deal to her.

[Anonymous]

If your kids are not vaccinated Lyon should not be staying at your parents house anyway.

Stay at an Airbnb. That way your mom doesn’t have to cook or clean and it’s less risk covid wise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

A few points, OP:

1. 3 years overseas isn't a long time. You and everyone else in your family should get over that concept. DH and I have been overseas for 20 years. Everyone in our families has had to adjust to that. It can be hard when death and disease rear their ugly heads.

2. Perhaps if you stay in a hotel, you can stay for longer than a few days. The party is only 30 minutes away from them. You can do this for your sister, who has attended your events.

3. And most importantly... It's safer to go in July. By August, the Delta variant and the Delta Plus and who knows what other more transmissible and more sickening Covid variants will have spread across the entire US. You do NOT want to give your fragile mother a more aggressive variant of Covid-19! I know you're mad at your sister and her manipulating your parents. But this is working out perfectly re-Covid variants. A party in July will actually be safer than no party in August.

For point 3, there's really know way to know how it will evolve in July vs. August. One could argue more people will be vaccinated by August.

[Anonymous]

I understand why OP would prefer August. Resting up for a few more weeks will make a big difference to her mother’s recovery. Can you extend your visit in July and stay those added nights in a hotel. Tell your parents that’s the only way you’ll extend the trip. To people with older kids, a first birthday doesn’t seem like a big deal. But when it’s the first baby and the first birthday, it’s a big milestone for the baby and for the parents. Plus your sister may be feeling like when it’s finally her turn, you aren’t putting any effort into the relationship. You may disagree, but that’s how she feels.

Are your kids vaccinated, OP?

[Anonymous]

"Manipulative sister who insists that we come to her DD‘s party and sacrifice time with grandparents"

That is the title of this thread and it tells me everything I need to know. This has absolutely nothing to do with a one-year-old or a birthday party or open heart surgery, this has to do with you feel about your sister.

[Anonymous]

Also team sister/July here.

[Anonymous]

I think you've effed this up, and even if you go to the party your sister knows you don't want to be there. What do you resent about her, what was it like growing up? Do you see yourself as being above her? Like your life is so important compared to hers?

And I agree 3 years overseas is nbd, and I'm not sure why one trip home seems like such a big deal to you. People that I know who moved overseas all come back regularly- their work pays for 2 trips a year and they sometimes do one more. Sure it's lots of work with little kids but they get used to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not about the Birthday! It's about Op never considering that her younger sister's events are -ever- as important as the same milestones were in her family.

I’m team OP you people are crazy!

For crying out loud the kid is just turning one! You all act as if the OP has skipped years of milestones. I know I need to know about the sister because she had a freaking baptism in the middle of a pandemic and expected everyone to come. Now she is surprised that she is getting a bunch of “no thank yous” for a first bday party which are always for the parents and not kids. She is self centered af.

[Anonymous]

So you didn’t just make a decision yourself, you INVITED input from others, and now you’re upset that they didn’t…pick what you want?

Next time, set your own dates and don’t ask for preferences, beyond “is it OK if we visit on these dates.” Stay in a hotel.

[Anonymous]

if the recovery is the hurdle (and your parents have now changed their preference to July) go ahead and do that and plan to be less of a burden on them. Get the kids out so the house is quiet for a time each day. Spend an overnight in a hotel. Better yet, ask your sister if you can spend a few days with her since you’ll now be extending your trip but your parents don’t have the bandwidth to host that long.

(Your kids really can’t do an 8 hr. trip in one day? Even with a long midday break?)

[Anonymous]

Your kids don't do well in the car?

Please tell me you've invested in a couple of iPads and a strap to attach them to the back of the headrests of the front seats??