Handsy Teenage Boy

[Anonymous]

I think this is weird behavior for a 15 year old, and I wouldn’t like it either. I would talk to my daughter about how it is ok to say no to touching like that if you don’t like it. However, I have a 9 year old, and I know he wouldn’t feel comfortable telling an older cousin or any teen, to stop something like that even if he didn’t like it. I think you also need to gently pull your nephew aside a let him know your daughter doesn’t like the tickling and touching.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to process why this is making you uncomfortable. Unless your daughter has asked for your help, it doesn’t sound problematic. Please sit with your thoughts.

I wouldn't gaslight OP here. A mother's gut is her best tool. Always trust it. Always.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to process why this is making you uncomfortable. Unless your daughter has asked for your help, it doesn’t sound problematic. Please sit with your thoughts.

WRONG

OP you have an instinct follow it.

100% pull the teen aside and tell him to not touch your kid again, period. Make this very clear.

If he does tell his parents, if they don't stop it leave. Do not leave your kid anywhere near the teen, in other words never ever alone. Who gives a crap about family dynamics, your kid comes first. Your job is to protect your kid.

You are not overreacting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not all physical contact is sexual, and you are setting your daughter up for a word of issues if you teach her to fear any physical contact from boys/men. If there is something specific about his contact that is sending up red flags, or if it seems to be making your daughter uncomfortable, then you should absolutely speak up. Otherwise, continue to talk to your daughter about her right to say no if someone’s touch makes her uncomfortable, but don’t teach her to fear all boys/men simply for being boys/men.

What? NO!

OP this is beyond dumb.

If you are feeling there is an issue then be a parent and protect your kid.

Tell the teen to keep his hand off your kid.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, just tell him to stop. NO ONE likes being tickled, touched and poked constantly. Unless your daughter is REALLY bold, she isn’t going to say anything. And straight up, these are bad ages for something inappropriate to happen. And yes, she needs to sleep in the room with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To add context, I was molested at age 7 by a family member, so my radar is up. I spoke with my daughter yesterday and told her that no one should touch her without her permission, no matter who it is. I don't want to set her up for a "world of issues with men", but I also don't want her woken up sexually at age 9 by a cousin. Thank you for your guidance. I think the suggestion about cutting back on xyz might help mitigate and send the message without accusing him of inappropriate behavior. Thank you.

I don't think this is necessarily creepy or dangerous between cousins. When I was a 15 year old teen boy, I was babysitting for several families, one of which had twin 9-year old boys and a 7 year old girl. One of the reasons I was a popular babysitter was that I would take the kids out in the yard and would play around with them and lift them up and run them around playing tag and such. And that involved tickling and touching the 7 year old girl. She was treated the same as her brothers. It was not sexual, it was clearly children's play.

OP--I think your warning radar is up based on your background. That doesn't say that the cousin's actions are or are not necessarily dangerous, but your experience makes you much more aware and sensitive to the danger that could be there. I would suggest that you talk to the cousins and say that the tickling and touching should only be done when they are in common spaces, in view of adults. This is not something that should be done when they are playing in rooms where the adults cannot see them. You can advise your daughter that if this type of behavior happens somewhere out of sight that she should let you know and you can deal with it. If it is crossing the line into dangerous or sexual, being in view of adults should be a deterrence.

[Anonymous]

It’s weird. Put a stop to it. This was exactly what a creepy uncle would do to us, and his son does the same shit. Be a blocker. Keep an eye on her whereabouts and get close to her if he approaches. If that’s not feasible, talk to him outright like PP suggested.

Ignoring it only leads to dysfunctional families like mine where we never openly acknowledged it until we were all adults. We were amazed how we all had the same experiences and never realized it. It all felt fine when we were little; we liked the attention. But when it continued into the teen years, it was so uncomfortable. We had an agreement to save each other when they approached at family events. Not an issue now because one is dead and the other stopped showing up to events.

[Anonymous]

I think you should just say “hey, cousin larlo, I know you are a tickler but larla’s not up for being tickled. You could go kick the soccer ball around outside, though!” Obviously you’ll have to talk to your daughter about it first. I would definitely put a halt to it because it’s much more likely this is a clueless immature kid than a creeper. And keep in mind he’s a kid too so assuming it IS innocent the last thing you want to do is shame an awkward teenager.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To add context, I was molested at age 7 by a family member, so my radar is up. I spoke with my daughter yesterday and told her that no one should touch her without her permission, no matter who it is. I don't want to set her up for a "world of issues with men", but I also don't want her woken up sexually at age 9 by a cousin. Thank you for your guidance. I think the suggestion about cutting back on xyz might help mitigate and send the message without accusing him of inappropriate behavior. Thank you.

I don't think this is necessarily creepy or dangerous between cousins. When I was a 15 year old teen boy, I was babysitting for several families, one of which had twin 9-year old boys and a 7 year old girl. One of the reasons I was a popular babysitter was that I would take the kids out in the yard and would play around with them and lift them up and run them around playing tag and such. And that involved tickling and touching the 7 year old girl. She was treated the same as her brothers. It was not sexual, it was clearly children's play.

OP--I think your warning radar is up based on your background. That doesn't say that the cousin's actions are or are not necessarily dangerous, but your experience makes you much more aware and sensitive to the danger that could be there. I would suggest that you talk to the cousins and say that the tickling and touching should only be done when they are in common spaces, in view of adults. This is not something that should be done when they are playing in rooms where the adults cannot see them. You can advise your daughter that if this type of behavior happens somewhere out of sight that she should let you know and you can deal with it. If it is crossing the line into dangerous or sexual, being in view of adults should be a deterrence.

But this is a completely different situation. Siblings engage with each other all the time and clearly you saw these kids a lot. OP’s kid is basically a stranger to this kid as they haven’t seen each other in two years. I have DDs 9 and 11 and I would be really weirded out if a 15yo boy who is more like a stranger to them showed up and was touching them nonstop.

OP I think you are right to be concerned. It could be he is just immature as opposed to evil intent, but that doesn’t mean it’s ok. And who knows what he is thinking.

Are his parents around when he is doing this? Because that is bizarre if they aren’t telling him to cut it out.

[Anonymous]

There’s no reason to make it weird or awkward. Tell your nephew Stop, no tickling. You’re an adult and he’ll listen. My kid started sitting on his adult uncle’s lap when he was six and we said very simply Don’t sit on men’s laps. Period. It wasn’t weird or awkward, and we treated it like any other rule (keep your elbows off the table, say please and thank you, don’t sit on men’s laps, etc.). I wouldn’t make a big deal out of it or it could backfire and get into an uncomfortable and more harmful conversation your daughter isn’t old enough for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Create less opportunity. Talk to your DD and tell her to choose a single chair vs the couch. If the couch is the only option, you should position yourself in the middle. Hopefully, your DD is sleeping in your room. If not, make that happen. My personal opinion, this is odd behavior for a 15 year old.

I would NOT put the onus on the DD. This teaches her that she is responsible for male’s behavior.

OP, I know you feel bad, but think of it this way. Nephew does need to learn that touching makes some women uncomfortable, and that if they’re uncomfortable, he needs to stop. It’s a good life lesson for him. Women don’t owe him an explanation, if they say stop, he needs to stop.

Sit down with him and his parents and just say “I understand that you’re having fun, but I’m uncomfortable with the touching. Please stop the tickling and poking”. If they protest it’s just fun, just keep repeating.

[Anonymous]

All of those who think a mother’s gut is always right — I wonder how you would feel if this were your 15 year old son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All of those who think a mother’s gut is always right — I wonder how you would feel if this were your 15 year old son.

I have a 15-year-old son, and I wouldn't want him behaving with other kids in a way that makes them or their parents uncomfortable. I would hope that I and other adults in his life would kindly direct him to more appropriate behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All of those who think a mother’s gut is always right — I wonder how you would feel if this were your 15 year old son.

I’m one of pp’s and my sisters 100% support me in speaking up and also correct their sons when stuff likes this happens. If you’ve got kids who have been molested in your family over prior generations, you are diligent in supporting personal space for everyone. At least we are in my family now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All of those who think a mother’s gut is always right — I wonder how you would feel if this were your 15 year old son.

As a mom with boys, I would think it’s very weird if any of my teenaged sons were doing this to their cousins or any kid especially as old as 9. No need to be touching others like that.