Handsy Teenage Boy

[Anonymous]

We are visiting with extended family whom we haven't seen in two years. Everyone is excited to see each other, but my nephew's subtle, extra attention towards my DD is concerning me. Nephew is 15 and my DD is 9. He seeks DD out to sit next to her on a sofa while we are all in the room but then constantly tickles her or does quick little pokes with his fingers under her arms, on her back or on her stomach. DD laughs because she is being tickled and enjoys the attention from an older kid. He isn't touching her sexually, but I find his handsy movements off-putting and inappropriate. I don't think he should be touching her for anything more than a hello hug. There isn't anyone at the house that I can bounce this off of, so I need your guidance DCUM. What can I say to this 15 year old in the moment to ask him to stop while protecting my daughter but also guiding him on what is acceptable and not acceptable. I don't want to embarrass him or cause any friction with his parents, but I do need him to stop touching my DD. And I am the in-law and my husband wasn't able to make the trip so I can't have him say anything.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to process why this is making you uncomfortable. Unless your daughter has asked for your help, it doesn’t sound problematic. Please sit with your thoughts.

[Anonymous]

Boy needs a quiet chat with Dad about how he’s not 11 anymore and his cousin isn’t a little kid either.

[Anonymous]

You should make sure daughter know that it's 100% okay for her to tell him no. And if he doesn't stop, she should tell you and you will back her up. Make sure she knows it's her body and she has a choice.

[Anonymous]

Call your husband and talk it through with him.

Your gut is telling you that this is not okay. There is no guarantee that this will no cause friction with the parents because no one knows how anyone will react. But you need to follow your gut. Take the teen aside privately.

“Larlo, I know you care about Pixie and I want you to continue having fun with her. I need you to cut back with the tickling, poking and touching. It’s great for you two to spend time together. It just needs to be without the touching. Thanks.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should make sure daughter know that it's 100% okay for her to tell him no. And if he doesn't stop, she should tell you and you will back her up. Make sure she knows it's her body and she has a choice.

Well, she doesn’t have a choice. From the OP, DD enjoys the attention but it makes OP uncomfortable. I don’t know OP, I think the only thing you can do is approach the parents and assure them that nephew is doing nothing wrong, but you don’t like your daughter being tickled and ask them To tell him to stop. I just can’t see that going well, though. No way to make it sound like something other than you think nephew is a perv.

[Anonymous]

Not all physical contact is sexual, and you are setting your daughter up for a word of issues if you teach her to fear any physical contact from boys/men. If there is something specific about his contact that is sending up red flags, or if it seems to be making your daughter uncomfortable, then you should absolutely speak up. Otherwise, continue to talk to your daughter about her right to say no if someone’s touch makes her uncomfortable, but don’t teach her to fear all boys/men simply for being boys/men.

[Anonymous]

My son was similar when he was younger (under 10). He has ADHD and I don't know if it was trouble reading social cues or what, but combine that with inappropriate impulse control and it was a pain. He would not stop bugging his cousins with stupid stuff. (lord, ask me how he would not stop trying to lick his (male) cousin's arm). He doesn't do this now at 14 but it was a real issue for awhile. One we worked on consistently.

So my first thought was some sort of issue like ADHD or autism. Or just social awkwardness and not knowing how to interact with someone that age. Teen boys are often really immature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Call your husband and talk it through with him.

Your gut is telling you that this is not okay. There is no guarantee that this will no cause friction with the parents because no one knows how anyone will react. But you need to follow your gut. Take the teen aside privately.

“Larlo, I know you care about Pixie and I want you to continue having fun with her. I need you to cut back with the tickling, poking and touching. It’s great for you two to spend time together. It just needs to be without the touching. Thanks.”

I agree with this.

[Anonymous]

Create less opportunity. Talk to your DD and tell her to choose a single chair vs the couch. If the couch is the only option, you should position yourself in the middle. Hopefully, your DD is sleeping in your room. If not, make that happen. My personal opinion, this is odd behavior for a 15 year old.

[Anonymous]

OP here. To add context, I was molested at age 7 by a family member, so my radar is up. I spoke with my daughter yesterday and told her that no one should touch her without her permission, no matter who it is. I don't want to set her up for a "world of issues with men", but I also don't want her woken up sexually at age 9 by a cousin. Thank you for your guidance. I think the suggestion about cutting back on xyz might help mitigate and send the message without accusing him of inappropriate behavior. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Create less opportunity. Talk to your DD and tell her to choose a single chair vs the couch. If the couch is the only option, you should position yourself in the middle. Hopefully, your DD is sleeping in your room. If not, make that happen. My personal opinion, this is odd behavior for a 15 year old.

+1

[Anonymous]

15 yr old could be predatory and creepy - or he could be immature and awkward.

Your daughter could simultaneously feel flattered by the attention and creeped out. I think 9 is a bit young to expect her to be able to articulate that conflict. If you are creeped out, listen to your gut. Keep her close, sit next to her, intervene. Also say “I noticed x touches you a lot, how does that make you feel?” And let her know it’s ok to ask for space. Kids are very black and white - so they have trouble understanding consent and that something can be fun sometimes and not fun other times. She doesn’t have to consent to the tickling and poking every time just because she did once.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:15 yr old could be predatory and creepy - or he could be immature and awkward.

Your daughter could simultaneously feel flattered by the attention and creeped out. I think 9 is a bit young to expect her to be able to articulate that conflict. If you are creeped out, listen to your gut. Keep her close, sit next to her, intervene. Also say “I noticed x touches you a lot, how does that make you feel?” And let her know it’s ok to ask for space. Kids are very black and white - so they have trouble understanding consent and that something can be fun sometimes and not fun other times. She doesn’t have to consent to the tickling and poking every time just because she did once.

This.

Op, I was also 6 when molested by a cousin. I’m hyper vigilant when it comes to my elementary girls being tickled/touched by older cousins and have zero issues with speaking up. I try to keep it light hearted, but I get my point across. Also, speak directly to your DD. My kids didn’t like being tickled but laughed because they were ticklish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To add context, I was molested at age 7 by a family member, so my radar is up. I spoke with my daughter yesterday and told her that no one should touch her without her permission, no matter who it is. I don't want to set her up for a "world of issues with men", but I also don't want her woken up sexually at age 9 by a cousin. Thank you for your guidance. I think the suggestion about cutting back on xyz might help mitigate and send the message without accusing him of inappropriate behavior. Thank you.

Glad you came to some resolution about this, OP. Always trust your instincts. Have a great visit with the family.