Handsy Teenage Boy

[Anonymous]

I would watch it very closely and block some of the contact or say, that's enough now. I had a creepy uncle who would kiss me on the neck and want hugs. I finally told my parents that it made me uncomfortable and they stopped inviting him. I doubt it would have gone anywhere but it was just weird.

[Anonymous]

OP, trust your gut. I was not molested but this is weird. I am also a boy mom and I would be the first one to tell him to knock it off. It doesn't matter that it's not malicious. You can be well-meaning but still inappropriate and creepy. I would do what a PP upthread suggested - talk to him in private and tell him to cut off tickling and poking. They can interact without being handsy. Better he learns the limits of appropriate behavior in a family context than comes to a friend's house and starts doing it to a 9 yo there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not all physical contact is sexual, and you are setting your daughter up for a word of issues if you teach her to fear any physical contact from boys/men. If there is something specific about his contact that is sending up red flags, or if it seems to be making your daughter uncomfortable, then you should absolutely speak up. Otherwise, continue to talk to your daughter about her right to say no if someone’s touch makes her uncomfortable, but don’t teach her to fear all boys/men simply for being boys/men.

This. Also, not all boys are malicious, infact they are mostly oblivious. He cannot wrestle with her so he is tickling her. You said that it was not sexual and your DD enjoys the attention.

This. I think he's probably just treating her like the little kid she's always been to him. There's nothing wrong with tickling my fully grown cousins and siblings and I still have tickling fights. And there's nothing wrong with an older cousin spending time with a younger cousin. Some of my best memories are of hanging with my older cousins and siblings .

I understand that OP was molested and that makes her hypervigilent but that doesn't make her correct. In fact many times I see survivors of abuse wrongly inject abuse into situations . This is especially true when their own children reach the age they were when the abuse started.
The thing to do here is for OP to continue to remind her daughter she can always tell anyone not to touch her and she can always come to her or her dad if something is bothering her. She can also suggest another activity for the kids to do. Op should also see a therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to process why this is making you uncomfortable. Unless your daughter has asked for your help, it doesn’t sound problematic. Please sit with your thoughts.

WRONG

OP you have an instinct follow it.

100% pull the teen aside and tell him to not touch your kid again, period. Make this very clear.

If he does tell his parents, if they don't stop it leave. Do not leave your kid anywhere near the teen, in other words never ever alone. Who gives a crap about family dynamics, your kid comes first. Your job is to protect your kid.

You are not overreacting.


You are overreacting. She said it's not sexual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not all physical contact is sexual, and you are setting your daughter up for a word of issues if you teach her to fear any physical contact from boys/men. If there is something specific about his contact that is sending up red flags, or if it seems to be making your daughter uncomfortable, then you should absolutely speak up. Otherwise, continue to talk to your daughter about her right to say no if someone’s touch makes her uncomfortable, but don’t teach her to fear all boys/men simply for being boys/men.

This. Also, not all boys are malicious, infact they are mostly oblivious. He cannot wrestle with her so he is tickling her. You said that it was not sexual and your DD enjoys the attention.

This. I think he's probably just treating her like the little kid she's always been to him. There's nothing wrong with tickling my fully grown cousins and siblings and I still have tickling fights. And there's nothing wrong with an older cousin spending time with a younger cousin. Some of my best memories are of hanging with my older cousins and siblings .

I understand that OP was molested and that makes her hypervigilent but that doesn't make her correct. In fact many times I see survivors of abuse wrongly inject abuse into situations . This is especially true when their own children reach the age they were when the abuse started.
The thing to do here is for OP to continue to remind her daughter she can always tell anyone not to touch her and she can always come to her or her dad if something is bothering her. She can also suggest another activity for the kids to do. Op should also see a therapist.

It really really is ok if you and your adult cousins are all ok with tickling each other. But it's not typical.

The general thinking has changed on this, pp. 9 year old girls need to be taught to speak up for themselves, but parents need to step in because most kids will feel shy and awkward about that type of thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son was similar when he was younger (under 10). He has ADHD and I don't know if it was trouble reading social cues or what, but combine that with inappropriate impulse control and it was a pain. He would not stop bugging his cousins with stupid stuff. (lord, ask me how he would not stop trying to lick his (male) cousin's arm). He doesn't do this now at 14 but it was a real issue for awhile. One we worked on consistently.

So my first thought was some sort of issue like ADHD or autism. Or just social awkwardness and not knowing how to interact with someone that age. Teen boys are often really immature.

As a high school special educator, I know lots of kids who struggle with impulse control due to ADHD or ASD. I understand that kids sometimes do things that can look one way (in this case, like grooming) and actually be caused by simple impulsivity.

But the reality is that this is behavior that can get a young man, especially one who doesn't read social cues well, in an enormous amount of trouble. If he really is acting out immaturity or disability, then he needs as much feedback as possible, from people who will tell him straight that it's not OK rather than hurting or imposing more serious consequences.

I think OP needs to either have a conversation with him, or ask a family member to do so, and then provide feedback every single time. And the kids need to be supervised all the time when they are together.

[Anonymous]

This thread troubles me somewhat.

As a former victim of child molestation and a former prosecutor who saw plenty of child sexual abuse cases I’m very sensitive to the issues.

However I have a lovely 12 year old niece who delights in being tickled and in tickle ‘wars,’ and she has engaged in tickling behavior with her 27 year old male cousin and her other 16 year old autistic male cousin many times, and I would never give a second thought to the appropriateness of this behavior. Her father and uncles also tickle her. So does her mom, her aunt, her grandmother, her female cousins, and me (another auntie).

I think our lens can get weird in this society, even when weirdness is not on display at all. In the abstract there is nothing wrong with 9 year old and 15 year old cousins horsing around, including poking and tickling. Ask her if she’s okay with it and if she is, I think no harm no foul.

Clearly others think differently. But then teachers can’t hug students in many schools anymore. That’s just how we are now, I guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All of those who think a mother’s gut is always right — I wonder how you would feel if this were your 15 year old son.

I would have told him to cut it out right then and there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread troubles me somewhat.

As a former victim of child molestation and a former prosecutor who saw plenty of child sexual abuse cases I’m very sensitive to the issues.

However I have a lovely 12 year old niece who delights in being tickled and in tickle ‘wars,’ and she has engaged in tickling behavior with her 27 year old male cousin and her other 16 year old autistic male cousin many times, and I would never give a second thought to the appropriateness of this behavior. Her father and uncles also tickle her. So does her mom, her aunt, her grandmother, her female cousins, and me (another auntie).

I think our lens can get weird in this society, even when weirdness is not on display at all. In the abstract there is nothing wrong with 9 year old and 15 year old cousins horsing around, including poking and tickling. Ask her if she’s okay with it and if she is, I think no harm no foul.

Clearly others think differently. But then teachers can’t hug students in many schools anymore. That’s just how we are now, I guess.

Seems your niece encourages the tickling from everyone at any time. That’s not the case here.

[Anonymous]

I was the younger girl cousin playing with older male cousins (6 and 8 years older than me). I also had a brother who was 2 years younger than me.

This strikes me as pretty weird and I can understand why you are uncomfortable with it. My cousins were very nice kids and played with us constantly when we visited; if they were bored by little kid stuff, they did a great job hiding it. But they were very careful never to be physical with us. We had plenty of fun and plenty of wild games but that just wasn't part of any of it. They always seemed very aware that I was a girl and that my brother was way smaller than them. At most I remember sitting near my cousin while he read us a story, or maybe once being rescued from a tree branch. I never felt even slightly uncomfortable around them, not once. It's very probable that your nephew means nothing by any of this but he needs to learn that social expectations change as you get older and what was OK before is not OK anymore. For his own sake as much as your DD's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not all physical contact is sexual, and you are setting your daughter up for a word of issues if you teach her to fear any physical contact from boys/men. If there is something specific about his contact that is sending up red flags, or if it seems to be making your daughter uncomfortable, then you should absolutely speak up. Otherwise, continue to talk to your daughter about her right to say no if someone’s touch makes her uncomfortable, but don’t teach her to fear all boys/men simply for being boys/men.

This. Also, not all boys are malicious, infact they are mostly oblivious. He cannot wrestle with her so he is tickling her. You said that it was not sexual and your DD enjoys the attention.

This. I think he's probably just treating her like the little kid she's always been to him. There's nothing wrong with tickling my fully grown cousins and siblings and I still have tickling fights. And there's nothing wrong with an older cousin spending time with a younger cousin. Some of my best memories are of hanging with my older cousins and siblings .

I understand that OP was molested and that makes her hypervigilent but that doesn't make her correct. In fact many times I see survivors of abuse wrongly inject abuse into situations . This is especially true when their own children reach the age they were when the abuse started.
The thing to do here is for OP to continue to remind her daughter she can always tell anyone not to touch her and she can always come to her or her dad if something is bothering her. She can also suggest another activity for the kids to do. Op should also see a therapist.

EWE

OP don't listen to this. Listen to your gut and no you do not need a therapist for protecting your kid.

This behavior is inappropriate period.

[Anonymous]

Just say no more, hands to yourself, you guys are too old for this. Say it in front of his parents and they should get the hint. If not, and he keeps doing it then next time say I already told you no tickle games. It’s getting too wild. If it continues then there is an issue.

[Anonymous]

No. My 15yo son knew better than to tickle and poke into her private areas. Not an excuse and it needs to stop. And yes, I've had to ask older girls to stop hugging on my ds when he was younger. They would always want to hug on him and he did not like it. I immediately said so....no hugs, he's not into it and stop touching him. It stopped.

I think this is a first step kind of touching. Not typical for a 15 yo boy. No. OP, as others have said, trust your gut.

Years ago (decades) when Oprah shared about her sexual abuse, she said the biggest struggle for her was the touch felt good. Your daughter is responding to tickling feeling good, doesn't mean it's not wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Boy needs a quiet chat with Dad about how he’s not 11 anymore and his cousin isn’t a little kid either.

+1

[Anonymous]

Am I the only one who never allowed anyone to tickle my kids?