Advice welcomes - single parent getting a terminal diagnosis and I'm far away

[Anonymous]

I don't know how I'm going to navigate this without constantly feeling torn, guilty, depressed, miserable

This is not what your Mother wants for you. This would cause her tremendous pain. For you to be suffering. The most important way to honor her, your Mother, a mother like any mother, is to appreciate that she raised you well. She raised you to be strong. That is what she wants for you.

I know this is a somewhat unique point, and takes some adjustment. But I think it's valid. And I think it helps anyone who's grieving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I don't know how I'm going to navigate this without constantly feeling torn, guilty, depressed, miserable

This is not what your Mother wants for you. This would cause her tremendous pain. For you to be suffering. The most important way to honor her, your Mother, a mother like any mother, is to appreciate that she raised you well. She raised you to be strong. That is what she wants for you.

I know this is a somewhat unique point, and takes some adjustment. But I think it's valid. And I think it helps anyone who's grieving.

I cannot speak for OP, but from my own experience, that of some friends etc, often what happens is they become so self-focused with age, they only want you to meet their needs and just don't have the empathy anymore. So, based on something OP wrote in the beginning this may not be the case with her mom. You have to take care of yourself first because you matter and your kids need you, even if your mom starts guilt tripping you and making you feel tremendous pain for not dropping everything and making her the priority. There is a balance, but it sometimes comes with accepting you cannot please your parent,but you can still find your own way to show love and support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I am so sorry. I hope your mom doesn't feed into the guilt by saying things that rip your heart. Been there. It is so hard and many of us can relate. Therapy helped me do what I could and not feel guilty taking care of myself and my family I created.

Does she qualify for hospice? The people who work at these places are extraordinary and it might be worth it to activate that.

Is she on some good meds to stay upbeat? If not, I'd talk to her about it. She might as well be able to enjoy her last months of life and if properly medicated she will be able to appreciate whatever people do to show they care without making them feel bad for not meeting her every expectation. You also may want to consider medication.

You have permission to take care of yourself. You have permission to do only what you can handle. You have a right to live your life too. You have a right to show love in ways that feel comfortable to you. You have a right to to set boundaries if she guilt trips you. You matter too. Your health matters too. Your well being matters.

This is such a well written valuable advice! NP, in similar position and it really sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My Mom has been battling cancer in one way or another for almost a decade - and managing to do so quite successfully. Unfortunately, it looks like that run of success is ending and she is now looking at a metastatic diagnosis with a prognosis of 3-12 months maximum.

She lives several hundred miles away, and is a widow who lives alone. She has 3 adult kids, none of them local, and I'm the default "responsible" one that she really wants handling everything. (Due to some lifelong family dysfunction I'm also totally built to feel like I have to be responsible for everything - even without anyone else suggesting it.)

She has a strong local network of friends, physicians, church, etc... And she and we have the means to ensure she gets excellent care - likely keeping her in her home until the end (which is what she wants).

But.

While I can make sure I see her regularly in coming months, and talk to her daily, I can't be there for her fully. I can't ensure she's never alone - at least not until we're talking about full-time, live-in nursing care. I can't really coordinate her care well from a distance. I can't abdicate my responsibilities at home (2 elem. age kids) or work for the next X months. And I certainly can't change the prognosis she's facing.

I don't know how I'm going to navigate this without constantly feeling torn, guilty, depressed, miserable, stressed, under rested.......

I don't know how to allow myself not to do anything and everything I possibly could for her. How do I prioritize my own well-being, or my kids' emotional well-being, potentially ahead of what my mother may need.

And my FIL spent last week in the hospital (even farther away in a different direction) and we fear that he is increasingly fragile in ways that don't allow us much time to get to him and see him. So my husband and I may end up juggling who stays home and who is traveling to see a dying parent.

I just want to run away and come back when it's over. Which of course I don't really mean, but I am really dreading what is coming, and fearing I'm going to feel like I'm a constant state of crisis or terribly fragile equilibrium until she dies. And that just all feels overwhelming and miserable.

I would welcome any advice or suggestions for navigating this.

Thanks just for allowing the space to vent a bit. I can't say much of this out loud to anyone other than my therapist and she's away for a few weeks!

Can I be blunt? She made the choice and she lives with the results of that choice. This is after me feeling frazzled, guilty, etc for the first few years after my Dad's stroke and my Mom refusing to be a freaking adult. Refuses to move cross-country to where the support network is (large one). You will feel in a constant state of crisis. I was actually reading this forum because between this, my husband refusing to stop treating the 15 year old dog with terminal cancer (and all the stress of watching her suffer causes), and Covid restrictions, I was coming on to say I'm so depressed I want to just run. So I feel EVERYTHING you are currently feeling and validate it. What I will tell you is to try very hard to understand that your mother's choice is HERS, it's selfish, and you should have no guilt. I know people will come on here saying "it's her life, she deserves to live the last year as she chooses..." etc. and that's very true. And exactly my point. Stand your ground and draw your boundaries. You have young ones and a job for God's sake - my kids are at least grown and I might have the option in a few months to go spend some time there. Still, the anger and resentment I feel is real and justified. And so will yours. The anger you will feel as things get tougher will help you prioritize - trust me!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. We went from bad to worse in the last four days, with my mother having a medical crisis unrelated to the cancer, and ending up in the hospital and ICU.

I have two siblings, both of whom have addiction problems. One of whom, when sober, would be hugely helpful during this time but apparently, she isn’t sober. And now she is with my mother, being of no help, and further complicating the situation for when my mother is released from the hospital tomorrow. The other sibling has never been an option for real support, and at this point my mother doesn’t want either of them around because they create too much stress. All of the dysfunction in my family, from which I have generally managed to keep a healthy distance, is rearing up for a perfect storm of stress.

So, i need to reframe my thinking and problem solve as if I were an only child. It is essentially the reality. I’m actively pursuing many of your suggestions, including to find a geriatric care manager who can coordinate locally and work with me and my mom. And I am triaging home and work today so I can go spend several days trying to get things sorted out.

Also, the proverb about not setting myself on fire is incredibly apt and I am definitely keeping it in mind!

OP, I just wrote the last post about my own parents!! My brother has addiction problems too so I understand this!! My sister at least lives there and is an enormous help, but she has to earn a living and they just don't get that. My brother is complicating things too - he's newly sober (meth) but is asking for money already, that which they don't have. She's learned to say no (thank GOD).

You are correct in that this is the perfect storm of stress. Your responsibility is to the family you created first and foremost. ALL her stress would vanish if she just was willing to move to you. She won't. She clearly would rather you experience it. I know you love your mother but please understand what she is doing is selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. We went from bad to worse in the last four days, with my mother having a medical crisis unrelated to the cancer, and ending up in the hospital and ICU.

I have two siblings, both of whom have addiction problems. One of whom, when sober, would be hugely helpful during this time but apparently, she isn’t sober. And now she is with my mother, being of no help, and further complicating the situation for when my mother is released from the hospital tomorrow. The other sibling has never been an option for real support, and at this point my mother doesn’t want either of them around because they create too much stress. All of the dysfunction in my family, from which I have generally managed to keep a healthy distance, is rearing up for a perfect storm of stress.

So, i need to reframe my thinking and problem solve as if I were an only child. It is essentially the reality. I’m actively pursuing many of your suggestions, including to find a geriatric care manager who can coordinate locally and work with me and my mom. And I am triaging home and work today so I can go spend several days trying to get things sorted out.

Also, the proverb about not setting myself on fire is incredibly apt and I am definitely keeping it in mind!

OP, I just wrote the last post about my own parents!! My brother has addiction problems too so I understand this!! My sister at least lives there and is an enormous help, but she has to earn a living and they just don't get that. My brother is complicating things too - he's newly sober (meth) but is asking for money already, that which they don't have. She's learned to say no (thank GOD).

You are correct in that this is the perfect storm of stress. Your responsibility is to the family you created first and foremost. ALL her stress would vanish if she just was willing to move to you. She won't. She clearly would rather you experience it. I know you love your mother but please understand what she is doing is selfish.

Different poster who relates, EXCEPT I disagree with the bold part because I live it. It is no picnic living close because enforcing boundaries is such a nightmare. They don't get that you cannot be there at a drop of a hat the second work is over or after you pick up your kids. They think every free moment you might have to you know use the bathroom, recover from life or prepare dinner is fair game and the tirades and telling you "You are so selfish" when you won't drop everything and drive over can eat you alive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. We went from bad to worse in the last four days, with my mother having a medical crisis unrelated to the cancer, and ending up in the hospital and ICU.

I have two siblings, both of whom have addiction problems. One of whom, when sober, would be hugely helpful during this time but apparently, she isn’t sober. And now she is with my mother, being of no help, and further complicating the situation for when my mother is released from the hospital tomorrow. The other sibling has never been an option for real support, and at this point my mother doesn’t want either of them around because they create too much stress. All of the dysfunction in my family, from which I have generally managed to keep a healthy distance, is rearing up for a perfect storm of stress.

So, i need to reframe my thinking and problem solve as if I were an only child. It is essentially the reality. I’m actively pursuing many of your suggestions, including to find a geriatric care manager who can coordinate locally and work with me and my mom. And I am triaging home and work today so I can go spend several days trying to get things sorted out.

Also, the proverb about not setting myself on fire is incredibly apt and I am definitely keeping it in mind!

OP, I just wrote the last post about my own parents!! My brother has addiction problems too so I understand this!! My sister at least lives there and is an enormous help, but she has to earn a living and they just don't get that. My brother is complicating things too - he's newly sober (meth) but is asking for money already, that which they don't have. She's learned to say no (thank GOD).

You are correct in that this is the perfect storm of stress. Your responsibility is to the family you created first and foremost. ALL her stress would vanish if she just was willing to move to you. She won't. She clearly would rather you experience it. I know you love your mother but please understand what she is doing is selfish.

Different poster who relates, EXCEPT I disagree with the bold part because I live it. It is no picnic living close because enforcing boundaries is such a nightmare. They don't get that you cannot be there at a drop of a hat the second work is over or after you pick up your kids. They think every free moment you might have to you know use the bathroom, recover from life or prepare dinner is fair game and the tirades and telling you "You are so selfish" when you won't drop everything and drive over can eat you alive.

I can see that, I really can. When someone is close though, I think it’s easier to enforce boundaries because you can drop over on your time to be sure the person is safe, alleviating the stress we feel in not knowing that when they are far away. The hard part is for all of us to summon the strength to ignore these tirades and repeat, mantra-like, “I am doing the best I can, striking a balance. I’m sorry you are not satisfied with my efforts’. Look, as I said, I’ve been dealing with the fallout from elderly parents 3000 miles away and a LOT of very stressful things in my own nuclear family. Add my brother’s meth addiction and all the manipulation that comes with, and I’ve been on the verge of collapse for over two years. When I even mention it, I get “yes, Covid has been hard on everyone.” Covid? Covid has been a damn relief as I don’t have to fly cross-country to handle everything while everyone runs around like chickens with their heads chopped off at the first sign of crisis. It’s done a lot to make my mother grow the hell up and understand that she has some control over her life. It’s forced my husband to have to be home to see what hell it is to take care of our much-loved but very elderly cancer-ridden dog, who really should be let go humanely rather than put through these insane chemo treatments. Having someone closer has its own issues for sure, but having them farther away is a logistical nightmare

[Anonymous]

OP- You will make it through this and you are a great daughter for caring so much. I know you can't go and stay with her for months but could you go and stay with her for 2 weeks? I went and stayed with my parents for 9 days to help after mom had surgery and it was very helpful. My parents sound like your mom in that they have an incredible set of caring and involved neighbors and a huge group of church ladies that help out. In the 9 days I was there I was able to talk to at least 20 people that help my parents with things like driving to appointments and chores around the house. I was able to get contact info from everyone and also get a much better understanding of who does what. Maybe one of the supporting people in your mom's life would be able to act as a coordinator and communicate with you when it becomes to hard for your mom. There are services that do this but having a friend do it would be so much better. Offer to pay/support this person. Come up with a list of all tasks that need to get done and figure out which ones you can hire someone to take care of. Your siblings need to chip in for those.

Living far away is really hard. But your mom sounds like she is surrounded by loving people. If you get a chance to meet these people in person it will give you some peace of mind and an avenue of communication for them to let you know what is needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- You will make it through this and you are a great daughter for caring so much. I know you can't go and stay with her for months but could you go and stay with her for 2 weeks? I went and stayed with my parents for 9 days to help after mom had surgery and it was very helpful. My parents sound like your mom in that they have an incredible set of caring and involved neighbors and a huge group of church ladies that help out. In the 9 days I was there I was able to talk to at least 20 people that help my parents with things like driving to appointments and chores around the house. I was able to get contact info from everyone and also get a much better understanding of who does what. Maybe one of the supporting people in your mom's life would be able to act as a coordinator and communicate with you when it becomes to hard for your mom. There are services that do this but having a friend do it would be so much better. Offer to pay/support this person. Come up with a list of all tasks that need to get done and figure out which ones you can hire someone to take care of. Your siblings need to chip in for those.

Living far away is really hard. But your mom sounds like she is surrounded by loving people. If you get a chance to meet these people in person it will give you some peace of mind and an avenue of communication for them to let you know what is needed.

Did your mother get better after surgery?

[Anonymous]

Someone told me that I would might resent the time I spent caring for my mom but I would never regret it. She passed away last Fall.

1. As soon as your kids are out of school, go see your mom now with your kids and do something fun (beach, hang out and watch movies, etc). Your mom, your kids, and you will cherish this time while she is still able to enjoy your company. Let your kids have nice memories. And if you can, do things she needs help with, get her affairs in order, help her get rid of stuff, stock the pantry, etc.

2. Start planning short solo trips now. At least once a month. If you can see her with the kids and the whole family in June, then plan a weekend trip in mid-July. Repeat until things get dire and you need to take time off.

3. Tell colleagues at work your mom is dying and that it is likely that in the next year you will have to take some time off through the FMLA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One proverb that really helped me put things in perspective when I was going through something similar: You don’t have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

LOVE LOVE LOVE

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Someone told me that I would might resent the time I spent caring for my mom but I would never regret it. She passed away last Fall.

1. As soon as your kids are out of school, go see your mom now with your kids and do something fun (beach, hang out and watch movies, etc). Your mom, your kids, and you will cherish this time while she is still able to enjoy your company. Let your kids have nice memories. And if you can, do things she needs help with, get her affairs in order, help her get rid of stuff, stock the pantry, etc.

2. Start planning short solo trips now. At least once a month. If you can see her with the kids and the whole family in June, then plan a weekend trip in mid-July. Repeat until things get dire and you need to take time off.

3. Tell colleagues at work your mom is dying and that it is likely that in the next year you will have to take some time off through the FMLA.

This might apply to parents who don't use emotional manipulation and who can manage their anger, but to be honest I regret that I did not put my kids first and I regret they hadf to witness such monster-like behavior. I told I am making sure there will be plenty of money to hire me help and if I treat them terribly I give them permission to not visit. I think it varies how people age and for a kind, loving, mellow and empathetic parent I do think it would have been a gift to be there and I could still be there for my kids because I would nto have so many emotional hangovers from the behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. We went from bad to worse in the last four days, with my mother having a medical crisis unrelated to the cancer, and ending up in the hospital and ICU.

I have two siblings, both of whom have addiction problems. One of whom, when sober, would be hugely helpful during this time but apparently, she isn’t sober. And now she is with my mother, being of no help, and further complicating the situation for when my mother is released from the hospital tomorrow. The other sibling has never been an option for real support, and at this point my mother doesn’t want either of them around because they create too much stress. All of the dysfunction in my family, from which I have generally managed to keep a healthy distance, is rearing up for a perfect storm of stress.

So, i need to reframe my thinking and problem solve as if I were an only child. It is essentially the reality. I’m actively pursuing many of your suggestions, including to find a geriatric care manager who can coordinate locally and work with me and my mom. And I am triaging home and work today so I can go spend several days trying to get things sorted out.

Also, the proverb about not setting myself on fire is incredibly apt and I am definitely keeping it in mind!

OP, I just wrote the last post about my own parents!! My brother has addiction problems too so I understand this!! My sister at least lives there and is an enormous help, but she has to earn a living and they just don't get that. My brother is complicating things too - he's newly sober (meth) but is asking for money already, that which they don't have. She's learned to say no (thank GOD).

You are correct in that this is the perfect storm of stress. Your responsibility is to the family you created first and foremost. ALL her stress would vanish if she just was willing to move to you. She won't. She clearly would rather you experience it. I know you love your mother but please understand what she is doing is selfish.

Different poster who relates, EXCEPT I disagree with the bold part because I live it. It is no picnic living close because enforcing boundaries is such a nightmare. They don't get that you cannot be there at a drop of a hat the second work is over or after you pick up your kids. They think every free moment you might have to you know use the bathroom, recover from life or prepare dinner is fair game and the tirades and telling you "You are so selfish" when you won't drop everything and drive over can eat you alive.

I can see that, I really can. When someone is close though, I think it’s easier to enforce boundaries because you can drop over on your time to be sure the person is safe, alleviating the stress we feel in not knowing that when they are far away. The hard part is for all of us to summon the strength to ignore these tirades and repeat, mantra-like, “I am doing the best I can, striking a balance. I’m sorry you are not satisfied with my efforts’. Look, as I said, I’ve been dealing with the fallout from elderly parents 3000 miles away and a LOT of very stressful things in my own nuclear family. Add my brother’s meth addiction and all the manipulation that comes with, and I’ve been on the verge of collapse for over two years. When I even mention it, I get “yes, Covid has been hard on everyone.” Covid? Covid has been a damn relief as I don’t have to fly cross-country to handle everything while everyone runs around like chickens with their heads chopped off at the first sign of crisis. It’s done a lot to make my mother grow the hell up and understand that she has some control over her life. It’s forced my husband to have to be home to see what hell it is to take care of our much-loved but very elderly cancer-ridden dog, who really should be let go humanely rather than put through these insane chemo treatments. Having someone closer has its own issues for sure, but having them farther away is a logistical nightmare

Okay, your points are almost overshadowed buy this. You’re just being a martyr and it sounds like you almost enjoy the identity of being the “responsible one” who does so much. It’s inhumane to keep a dog alive just to undergo chemo and feed your savior complex. I really wonder how much of this identity is factoring into your familial relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. We went from bad to worse in the last four days, with my mother having a medical crisis unrelated to the cancer, and ending up in the hospital and ICU.

I have two siblings, both of whom have addiction problems. One of whom, when sober, would be hugely helpful during this time but apparently, she isn’t sober. And now she is with my mother, being of no help, and further complicating the situation for when my mother is released from the hospital tomorrow. The other sibling has never been an option for real support, and at this point my mother doesn’t want either of them around because they create too much stress. All of the dysfunction in my family, from which I have generally managed to keep a healthy distance, is rearing up for a perfect storm of stress.

So, i need to reframe my thinking and problem solve as if I were an only child. It is essentially the reality. I’m actively pursuing many of your suggestions, including to find a geriatric care manager who can coordinate locally and work with me and my mom. And I am triaging home and work today so I can go spend several days trying to get things sorted out.

Also, the proverb about not setting myself on fire is incredibly apt and I am definitely keeping it in mind!

OP, I just wrote the last post about my own parents!! My brother has addiction problems too so I understand this!! My sister at least lives there and is an enormous help, but she has to earn a living and they just don't get that. My brother is complicating things too - he's newly sober (meth) but is asking for money already, that which they don't have. She's learned to say no (thank GOD).

You are correct in that this is the perfect storm of stress. Your responsibility is to the family you created first and foremost. ALL her stress would vanish if she just was willing to move to you. She won't. She clearly would rather you experience it. I know you love your mother but please understand what she is doing is selfish.

Different poster who relates, EXCEPT I disagree with the bold part because I live it. It is no picnic living close because enforcing boundaries is such a nightmare. They don't get that you cannot be there at a drop of a hat the second work is over or after you pick up your kids. They think every free moment you might have to you know use the bathroom, recover from life or prepare dinner is fair game and the tirades and telling you "You are so selfish" when you won't drop everything and drive over can eat you alive.

I can see that, I really can. When someone is close though, I think it’s easier to enforce boundaries because you can drop over on your time to be sure the person is safe, alleviating the stress we feel in not knowing that when they are far away. The hard part is for all of us to summon the strength to ignore these tirades and repeat, mantra-like, “I am doing the best I can, striking a balance. I’m sorry you are not satisfied with my efforts’. Look, as I said, I’ve been dealing with the fallout from elderly parents 3000 miles away and a LOT of very stressful things in my own nuclear family. Add my brother’s meth addiction and all the manipulation that comes with, and I’ve been on the verge of collapse for over two years. When I even mention it, I get “yes, Covid has been hard on everyone.” Covid? Covid has been a damn relief as I don’t have to fly cross-country to handle everything while everyone runs around like chickens with their heads chopped off at the first sign of crisis. It’s done a lot to make my mother grow the hell up and understand that she has some control over her life. It’s forced my husband to have to be home to see what hell it is to take care of our much-loved but very elderly cancer-ridden dog, who really should be let go humanely rather than put through these insane chemo treatments. Having someone closer has its own issues for sure, but having them farther away is a logistical nightmare

Okay, your points are almost overshadowed buy this. You’re just being a martyr and it sounds like you almost enjoy the identity of being the “responsible one” who does so much. It’s inhumane to keep a dog alive just to undergo chemo and feed your savior complex. I really wonder how much of this identity is factoring into your familial relationships.

DUH it’s inhumane. Do you think I have any control over that? No. It’s my husband’s sole decision. And it’s ‘by’, not ‘buy’.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One proverb that really helped me put things in perspective when I was going through something similar: You don’t have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

LOVE LOVE LOVE

After over 8 years of this whole challenging and in some cases abusive parent or inlaw stuff, this is my go to phrase as well. I may hang it up somewhere.