Reply to Advice welcomes - single parent getting a terminal diagnosis and I'm far away

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My Mom has been battling cancer in one way or another for almost a decade - and managing to do so quite successfully.  Unfortunately, it looks like that run of success is ending and she is now looking at a metastatic diagnosis with a prognosis of 3-12 months maximum.

She lives several hundred miles away, and is a widow who lives alone. She has 3 adult kids, none of them local, and I'm the default "responsible" one that she really wants handling everything. (Due to some lifelong family dysfunction I'm also totally built to feel like I have to be responsible for everything - even without anyone else suggesting it.)

She has a strong local network of friends, physicians, church, etc...  And she and we have the means to ensure she gets excellent care - likely keeping her in her home until the end (which is what she wants).

But.

While I can make sure I see her regularly in coming months, and talk to her daily, I can't be there for her fully. I can't ensure she's never alone - at least not until we're talking about full-time, live-in nursing care. I can't really coordinate her care well from a distance. I can't abdicate my responsibilities at home (2 elem. age kids) or work for the next X months. And I certainly can't change the prognosis she's facing.

I don't know how I'm going to navigate this without constantly feeling torn, guilty, depressed, miserable, stressed, under rested.......

I don't know how to allow myself not to do anything and everything I possibly could for her. How do I prioritize my own well-being, or my kids' emotional well-being, potentially ahead of what my mother may need.

And my FIL spent last week in the hospital (even farther away in a different direction) and we fear that he is increasingly fragile in ways that don't allow us much time to get to him and see him. So my husband and I may end up juggling who stays home and who is traveling to see a dying parent.

I just want to run away and come back when it's over. Which of course I don't really mean, but I am really dreading what is coming, and fearing I'm going to feel like I'm a constant state of crisis or terribly fragile equilibrium until she dies. And that just all feels overwhelming and miserable.

I would welcome any advice or suggestions for navigating this.

Thanks just for allowing the space to vent a bit. I can't say much of this out loud to anyone other than my therapist and she's away for a few weeks! [/quote]

Can I be blunt? She made the choice and she lives with the results of that choice. This is after me feeling frazzled, guilty, etc for the first few years after my Dad's stroke and my Mom refusing to be a freaking adult. Refuses to move cross-country to where the support network is (large one). You will feel in a constant state of crisis. I was actually reading this forum because between this, my husband refusing to stop treating the 15 year old dog with terminal cancer (and all the stress of watching her suffer causes), and Covid restrictions, I was coming on to say I'm so depressed I want to just run. So I feel EVERYTHING you are currently feeling and validate it. What I will tell you is to try very hard to understand that your mother's choice is HERS, it's selfish, and you should have no guilt. I know people will come on here saying "it's her life, she deserves to live the last year as she chooses..." etc. and that's very true. And exactly my point. Stand your ground and draw your boundaries. You have young ones and a job for God's sake - my kids are at least grown and I might have the option in a few months to go spend some time there. Still, the anger and resentment I feel is real and justified. And so will yours. The anger you will feel as things get tougher will help you prioritize - trust me!

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