Reply to Advice welcomes - single parent getting a terminal diagnosis and I'm far away

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Op here. We went from bad to worse in the last four days, with my mother having a medical crisis unrelated to the cancer, and ending up in the hospital and ICU.

I have two siblings, both of whom have addiction problems. One of whom, when sober, would be hugely helpful during this time but apparently, she isn’t sober. And now she is with my mother, being of no help, and further complicating the situation for when my mother is released from the hospital tomorrow. The other sibling has never been an option for real support, and at this point my mother doesn’t want either of them around because they create too much stress. All of the dysfunction in my family, from which I have generally managed to keep a healthy distance, is rearing up for a perfect storm of stress.

So, i need to reframe my thinking and problem solve as if I were an only child. It is essentially the reality.  I’m actively pursuing many of your suggestions, including to find a geriatric care manager who can coordinate locally and work with me and my mom. And I am triaging home and work today so I can go spend several days trying to get things sorted out.

Also, the proverb about not setting myself on fire is incredibly apt and I am definitely keeping it in mind![/quote]

OP, I just wrote the last post about my own parents!! My brother has addiction problems too so I understand this!! My sister at least lives there and is an enormous help, but she has to earn a living and they just don't get that. My brother is complicating things too - he's newly sober (meth) but is asking for money already, that which they don't have. She's learned to say no (thank GOD).

You are correct in that this is the perfect storm of stress. Your responsibility is to the family you created first and foremost[b]. ALL her stress would vanish if she just was willing to move to you. [/b]She won't. She clearly would rather you experience it. I know you love your mother but please understand what she is doing is selfish.[/quote]

Different poster who relates, EXCEPT I disagree with the bold part because I live it. It is no picnic living close because enforcing boundaries is such a nightmare. They don't get that you cannot be there at a drop of a hat the second work is over or after you pick up your kids. They think every free moment you might have to you know use the bathroom, recover from life or prepare dinner is fair game and the tirades and telling you "You are so selfish" when you won't drop everything and drive over can eat you alive. [/quote]

I can see that, I really can. When someone is close though, I think it’s easier to enforce boundaries because you can drop over on your time to be sure the person is safe, alleviating the stress we feel in not knowing that when they are far away. The hard part is for all of us to summon the strength to ignore these tirades and repeat, mantra-like, “I am doing the best I can, striking a balance. I’m sorry you are not satisfied with my efforts’.  Look, as I said, I’ve been dealing with the fallout from elderly parents 3000 miles away and a LOT of very stressful things in my own nuclear family. Add my brother’s meth addiction and all the manipulation that comes with, and I’ve been on the verge of collapse for over two years. When I even mention it, I get “yes, Covid has been hard on everyone.” Covid? Covid has been a damn relief as I don’t have to fly cross-country to handle everything while everyone runs around like chickens with their heads chopped off at the first sign of crisis. It’s done a lot to make my mother grow the hell up and understand that she has some control over her life. It’s forced my husband to have to be home to [b]see what hell it is to take care of our much-loved but very elderly cancer-ridden dog, who really should be let go humanely rather than put through these insane chemo treatments.[/b]  Having someone closer has its own issues for sure, but having them farther away is a logistical nightmare

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Okay, your points are almost overshadowed buy this. You’re just being a martyr and it sounds like you almost enjoy the identity of being the “responsible one” who does so much. It’s inhumane to keep a dog alive just to undergo chemo and feed your savior complex. I really wonder how much of this identity is factoring into your familial relationships.

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DUH it’s inhumane. Do you think I have any control over that? No. It’s my husband’s sole decision. And it’s ‘by’, not ‘buy’. [/quote]

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