Is this fair? Or unnecessarily mean?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, reasonable, though I think you should be understanding towards how it inconveniences DC2. His schedule is being dictated by his sibling, and it really might impact him -- a lot of teenagers really need the extra sleep or time to relax in the morning. So I would say "I know this is a bit unfair to you since you're day starts later. But it doesn't make sense for us to spend an hour driving back and forth to school, especially for kids who are mature enough to walk or bike many days. So tell us how we can make this easier for you on those days that you are going to school early and, within reason, we will try to accommodate it."

It could be something as simple as making sure you always have his preferred breakfast item in the house, or he gets the favored seat in the car, or something. But just acknowledging that this is a bit unfair to him and offering to compensate in some way will probably go a long way towards making him feel heard and listened to. Often it seems like kids are throwing a fit over nothing (it's 30 minutes, not a huge deal) but teenagers have a lot of insecurity about their place in the world. Making sure he understands he's valued in your family is really important developmentally. Especially in a case where he probably feels like he is being forced to sacrifice for his sibling (kids need to feel like they are individually seen and appreciated).

I agree with OP’s husband, but they live .7 miles from the school. 10 round trips wouldn’t take an hour.

But it would end up basically killing an hour of time. Remind kid 1 it's almost time to go, wait for them to grab stuff, in the car, drop off, drive back, wait 15 minutes and repeat. I wouldn't want my dh decreeing how I waste my time, but this would be too much of a waste of time for me.

[Anonymous]

To answer your original question, it is fair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, reasonable, though I think you should be understanding towards how it inconveniences DC2. His schedule is being dictated by his sibling, and it really might impact him -- a lot of teenagers really need the extra sleep or time to relax in the morning. So I would say "I know this is a bit unfair to you since you're day starts later. But it doesn't make sense for us to spend an hour driving back and forth to school, especially for kids who are mature enough to walk or bike many days. So tell us how we can make this easier for you on those days that you are going to school early and, within reason, we will try to accommodate it."

It could be something as simple as making sure you always have his preferred breakfast item in the house, or he gets the favored seat in the car, or something. But just acknowledging that this is a bit unfair to him and offering to compensate in some way will probably go a long way towards making him feel heard and listened to. Often it seems like kids are throwing a fit over nothing (it's 30 minutes, not a huge deal) but teenagers have a lot of insecurity about their place in the world. Making sure he understands he's valued in your family is really important developmentally. Especially in a case where he probably feels like he is being forced to sacrifice for his sibling (kids need to feel like they are individually seen and appreciated).

Great post.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you’re letting driving become the default rather than the exception due to eg rain. Walking should be the default.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We live 0.7 miles from kids' school. Easy walking and biking distance, when that works. (One child has had leg injury that prevents biking now, one has to carry lots of sports equipment, rainy days, etc.)

With back to school, they have to be there in the morning at different start times - one at 8:15 and the other at 8:45.

DH is adamant that "we're not going to run a shuttle back and forth to school all morning" - meaning, that we will offer one ride in the morning and that's it. Obviously, car has to leave the house in time for the first start. DC2 is balking at that, saying it is "unfair" to force an early departure to accommodate DC1. DC2 would get to school a half hour earlier than necessary, or can choose to walk or bike.

Is this reasonable? They are both in high school.

Ha! I was on the fence until I got to the last part. High school? Absolutely fair. DC2 can walk or bike when he wants, or go a half hour early. Sounds like a good time to get some studying done. Or, heck, find a place to nap.

Also, rain is not a reason not to walk! It's water, not arsenic. I might cave for the leg injury IF it was short term (<2 weeks or so)

The one thing I would do is offer to take his sporting equipment. He and his sibling can figure out a place to stow, out of the way, in the building, should DC2 decide to walk or bike later.

Honestly, if it wasn't for the sporting equipment and the injury, I'd never drive either of them to school. 0.7 miles! That's nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, reasonable, though I think you should be understanding towards how it inconveniences DC2. His schedule is being dictated by his sibling, and it really might impact him -- a lot of teenagers really need the extra sleep or time to relax in the morning. So I would say "I know this is a bit unfair to you since you're day starts later. But it doesn't make sense for us to spend an hour driving back and forth to school, especially for kids who are mature enough to walk or bike many days. So tell us how we can make this easier for you on those days that you are going to school early and, within reason, we will try to accommodate it."

It could be something as simple as making sure you always have his preferred breakfast item in the house, or he gets the favored seat in the car, or something. But just acknowledging that this is a bit unfair to him and offering to compensate in some way will probably go a long way towards making him feel heard and listened to. Often it seems like kids are throwing a fit over nothing (it's 30 minutes, not a huge deal) but teenagers have a lot of insecurity about their place in the world. Making sure he understands he's valued in your family is really important developmentally. Especially in a case where he probably feels like he is being forced to sacrifice for his sibling (kids need to feel like they are individually seen and appreciated).

Great post.

The last paragraph is absurd. The younger child already has more advantages in general.

[Anonymous]

Why not have one parent drive DC1 and the other parent drive DC2?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's a 10 minute walk. I would not drive at all unless it was really heavy rain. An athletic kid should be able to carry equipment for a 10 minute walk.

Absolutely. If he can play a sport with the equipment, he can carry the equipment.

They should both be able to walk for 10 minutes, unless they have a physical disability.

[Anonymous]

Whoever isn’t injured can walk. My kids when they were in 3rd and 5th grade no longer wanted to stay in aftercare. They were willing to walk 2 miles home. So they did that entire year. It took them a little over 30 minutes.

[Anonymous]

At less than a mile, both should be walking, unless injured. I can’t believe you’d entertain any other idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does it inconvienience you? Affect your work? Then maybe no. But-

Sometimes you do things to be kind. It doesn't cost anything. It may start that kid off in a better mood. They'll only be home for a few more years.

I wouldn't tell them to expect it, but I would do it if I could.

I don't think it's kind to always do thinks for your kids that they can do themselves.

Would you do their household chores because it doesn't cost anything and it may start the kid off in a better mood? No, because chores are good for kids.

I think a brisk morning walk prior to school is good for kids, also, and would have them walk unless there are extenuating circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, reasonable, though I think you should be understanding towards how it inconveniences DC2. His schedule is being dictated by his sibling, and it really might impact him -- a lot of teenagers really need the extra sleep or time to relax in the morning. So I would say "I know this is a bit unfair to you since you're day starts later. But it doesn't make sense for us to spend an hour driving back and forth to school, especially for kids who are mature enough to walk or bike many days. So tell us how we can make this easier for you on those days that you are going to school early and, within reason, we will try to accommodate it."

It could be something as simple as making sure you always have his preferred breakfast item in the house, or he gets the favored seat in the car, or something. But just acknowledging that this is a bit unfair to him and offering to compensate in some way will probably go a long way towards making him feel heard and listened to. Often it seems like kids are throwing a fit over nothing (it's 30 minutes, not a huge deal) but teenagers have a lot of insecurity about their place in the world. Making sure he understands he's valued in your family is really important developmentally. Especially in a case where he probably feels like he is being forced to sacrifice for his sibling (kids need to feel like they are individually seen and appreciated).

Great post.

The last paragraph is absurd. The younger child already has more advantages in general.

We don't know that the child with the later schedule is the younger child. They might be the older and feel like this is yet another way they have to accommodate the younger sibling. Or maybe it is the younger child, but they feel they've had to accommodate the sibling because of the leg injury. Or maybe the kid who goes in earlier does so because they are in some school enrichment program and this is just a reminder that they are more academically successful.

I'm just making stuff up here, but these dynamics are really common with close in age siblings, especially if they attend the same school. The point is that in this specific situation, the child with the later schedule is being mildly inconvenienced, and while you don't have to bend over backwards to make it "even" you can at least acknowledge it's an inconvenience. The key is to not say "It doesn't matter, suck it up." Even if it's how you feel. It will just deepen their sense of injustice. Teenagers have a very acute sense of fairness and you don't need to feed it, you have to learn to diffuse it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At less than a mile, both should be walking, unless injured. I can’t believe you’d entertain any other idea.

+1

Walking or biking should be the default.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, reasonable, though I think you should be understanding towards how it inconveniences DC2. His schedule is being dictated by his sibling, and it really might impact him -- a lot of teenagers really need the extra sleep or time to relax in the morning. So I would say "I know this is a bit unfair to you since you're day starts later. But it doesn't make sense for us to spend an hour driving back and forth to school, especially for kids who are mature enough to walk or bike many days. So tell us how we can make this easier for you on those days that you are going to school early and, within reason, we will try to accommodate it."

It could be something as simple as making sure you always have his preferred breakfast item in the house, or he gets the favored seat in the car, or something. But just acknowledging that this is a bit unfair to him and offering to compensate in some way will probably go a long way towards making him feel heard and listened to. Often it seems like kids are throwing a fit over nothing (it's 30 minutes, not a huge deal) but teenagers have a lot of insecurity about their place in the world. Making sure he understands he's valued in your family is really important developmentally. Especially in a case where he probably feels like he is being forced to sacrifice for his sibling (kids need to feel like they are individually seen and appreciated).

I agree with OP’s husband, but they live .7 miles from the school. 10 round trips wouldn’t take an hour.

But it would end up basically killing an hour of time. Remind kid 1 it's almost time to go, wait for them to grab stuff, in the car, drop off, drive back, wait 15 minutes and repeat. I wouldn't want my dh decreeing how I waste my time, but this would be too much of a waste of time for me.

Yup. The time isn't in the driving, it's in the loading the car, navigating the drop off area, etc. The fact that it's such a short drive makes it extra annoying because you are already basically doing them a favor (they are capable of walking except for the leg injury, even if the weather is bad). I would never do this twice in one morning for two kids going to the same school. I'm a parent, not a personal chauffeur.

[Anonymous]

The need to carry their stuff and walk or bike, unless they are injured.