Is this fair? Or unnecessarily mean?

[Anonymous]

We live 0.7 miles from kids' school. Easy walking and biking distance, when that works. (One child has had leg injury that prevents biking now, one has to carry lots of sports equipment, rainy days, etc.)

With back to school, they have to be there in the morning at different start times - one at 8:15 and the other at 8:45.

DH is adamant that "we're not going to run a shuttle back and forth to school all morning" - meaning, that we will offer one ride in the morning and that's it. Obviously, car has to leave the house in time for the first start. DC2 is balking at that, saying it is "unfair" to force an early departure to accommodate DC1. DC2 would get to school a half hour earlier than necessary, or can choose to walk or bike.

Is this reasonable? They are both in high school.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't give either one of them a ride.

[Anonymous]

if you give a ride, I'd make it fair, but I'd also make both walk.

[Anonymous]

Fair

[Anonymous]

Absolutely fair. More than fair. I also would bit drive them unless a doctor said the injured one should nit walk that distance.

Nuts that you’re even considering going twice. Holy hell. Your time is more valuable than that. What are you teaching your sons that they should think of you as a chauffeur this way?

[Anonymous]

Yes, reasonable, though I think you should be understanding towards how it inconveniences DC2. His schedule is being dictated by his sibling, and it really might impact him -- a lot of teenagers really need the extra sleep or time to relax in the morning. So I would say "I know this is a bit unfair to you since you're day starts later. But it doesn't make sense for us to spend an hour driving back and forth to school, especially for kids who are mature enough to walk or bike many days. So tell us how we can make this easier for you on those days that you are going to school early and, within reason, we will try to accommodate it."

It could be something as simple as making sure you always have his preferred breakfast item in the house, or he gets the favored seat in the car, or something. But just acknowledging that this is a bit unfair to him and offering to compensate in some way will probably go a long way towards making him feel heard and listened to. Often it seems like kids are throwing a fit over nothing (it's 30 minutes, not a huge deal) but teenagers have a lot of insecurity about their place in the world. Making sure he understands he's valued in your family is really important developmentally. Especially in a case where he probably feels like he is being forced to sacrifice for his sibling (kids need to feel like they are individually seen and appreciated).

[Anonymous]

I’d drive once but be nice about it. An extra thirty minutes of sleep at that age is a big deal. Also, consider that they may be worried about something social if they are arriving at a different time than their friends. Standing around by yourself at that age can feel mortifying so if that’s the issue I’d kindly troubleshoot that with them.

[Anonymous]

It really depends on the kids. My teen went through a problematic sleeping phase, and REALLY needed any extra minute of sleep he could get in the morning. I would have driven him to school at the absolute last minute.

But if your children are healthy (apart from the leg), not sleep deprived, and have time in their day to relax and play, then by all means do one car ride. Tell your second child that IT'S NOT FOR LONG and that this is what families do for each other.

[Anonymous]

Drive once but agree that it sucks a little for DC2. If he needed to walk/bike, he would not really be able to leave much later since that will take 15 minutes anyway.

But you CANNOT drive them separately. That’s insane.

[Anonymous]

Why does DH dictate/control your ability to drive your kids to school? The kids are only young for so long. There’s no reason to have such stringent authoritarian rules all the time.

[Anonymous]

That's a 10 minute walk. I would not drive at all unless it was really heavy rain. An athletic kid should be able to carry equipment for a 10 minute walk.

[Anonymous]

Does it inconvienience you? Affect your work? Then maybe no. But-

Sometimes you do things to be kind. It doesn't cost anything. It may start that kid off in a better mood. They'll only be home for a few more years.

I wouldn't tell them to expect it, but I would do it if I could.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't drive either kid. And if I was .7 miles from work, I wouldn't drive myself. (In really terrible weather, I would be willing to drive them separately, but that would only be in extenuating circumstances).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, reasonable, though I think you should be understanding towards how it inconveniences DC2. His schedule is being dictated by his sibling, and it really might impact him -- a lot of teenagers really need the extra sleep or time to relax in the morning. So I would say "I know this is a bit unfair to you since you're day starts later. But it doesn't make sense for us to spend an hour driving back and forth to school, especially for kids who are mature enough to walk or bike many days. So tell us how we can make this easier for you on those days that you are going to school early and, within reason, we will try to accommodate it."

It could be something as simple as making sure you always have his preferred breakfast item in the house, or he gets the favored seat in the car, or something. But just acknowledging that this is a bit unfair to him and offering to compensate in some way will probably go a long way towards making him feel heard and listened to. Often it seems like kids are throwing a fit over nothing (it's 30 minutes, not a huge deal) but teenagers have a lot of insecurity about their place in the world. Making sure he understands he's valued in your family is really important developmentally. Especially in a case where he probably feels like he is being forced to sacrifice for his sibling (kids need to feel like they are individually seen and appreciated).

I agree with OP’s husband, but they live .7 miles from the school. 10 round trips wouldn’t take an hour.

[Anonymous]

Are you only driving because one child has a leg injury? Or have you always driven them both but recently their start times have changed? The leg injury should be temporary so driving an injured person to school is necessary, the later child is welcome to take advantage of a ride or stick with their normal method of walk/bike and arrive later. When the injury heals, everyone walks/bikes again.

If you have always driven them and are now only accommodating the one that has to be there early, then that is pretty crappy imo.