Consequences for 11-year old constantly lying about exceeding screen time limits
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Anonymous
Yeah, OP, this doesn't need to be dramatic. And you are about the enter the teen years so you need to toughen up. Testing limits is normal. Acting like your child has fundamentally changed or getting upset just pathologizes it (and also gets the "lying" a lot of negative attention, and provides the child with a sense of control). Don't try to have a corny heart to heart with him. Just tell him "We can tell that it's difficult to limit screen time. That's something even adults still struggle with. We are adding parental controls to these devices so you can't access them unless it's for DL. Next week we'll see how it goes and you might get some time back to play." Done. |
Anonymous
| This reminds me of kids lying about/sneaking food. Extreme control is just going to beget more sneaking and lying. I am in many ways a strict parent, expect my kids to follow my rules, give consequences, etc. But I would tread very lightly here. Don’t create situations where he is going to lie to you. Make it easy for him to tell you that he used screens more than he should by not having a big reaction. |
Anonymous
I agree. You have already determined that this is an area where he can't be trusted, so why do you keep doing it? You are setting him up to fail because he is not ready for this yet. |
Anonymous
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I was a very lying kid, so I work hard to set my kids up for success with stuff like this. Devices all have time limits and passwords.
But honestly? If I’m reading a book on the kindle app on my phone, I’m putting it down every five minutes to check Twitter, DCUM, etc. I have to make myself leave my phone in another room and read on my physical kindle. It’s hard! I’m not surprised an 11yo is bad at it. |
Anonymous
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In fairness to your kid, it’s very very common for adults to struggle with perception of time on screens - often people think they’ve been online or gaming for just a short time (15 minutes) when in fact it’s been much longer (an hour). That’s why iPhones have a screen time tracking function that actually accurately tracks time of use and by category, and allows users to install limits that lock them out after the preferred period of time.
It’s quite possible when he inaccurately recited his time gaming to you, he was honestly mistaken rather than blatantly lying. Obviously when he’s supposed to be reading books and instead is gaming that’s actual dishonesty. He’s a kid and kids are ruled much more by impulse and emotion than by ethics. It doesn’t mean he’s turning into a bad kid, but screens are highly addictive and many adults struggle with moderating use so it’s probably unreasonable to expect a kid his age to moderate on his own and be disappointed in his character when he can’t. He knows you’re disappointed which is why he lies even though logically he knows you can easily root out the lie. I understand that getting paper books from the library in the pandemic is a bigger hassle than usual, and maybe he doesn’t like paper books anyway. Get him a kindle paperwhite for reading time - it has only the downloaded books and no other temptations. Or, if the games are online, lock his device out of the wifi connection except during the times he’s allowed to play games or interact with friends online. It should be very easy to set up a system like that where you can control which devices are allowed to connect to your wifi and for how long. It might take some effort but not more than general parental discipline. |
Anonymous
+1 - you are expecting too much of him. There's lots of research that games, social media, etc. are designed to make you want more/dopamine response. |
Anonymous
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Does he know how long other things take or last? Id be very surprised if at 11 he did not.
To expect him to monitor himself while he is doing something he enjoys is ridiculous. My DH and I set internet timeout starting a time we felt was appropriate. You can time out his access by IP address or his computer or what have you according to whatever you want. You just need some know how or look it up. My husband knows how to do this so that's how we handled it. |
Anonymous
| We just set up the devices to disconnect from wifi between certain times and require that devices are on the charger in a common area at bedtime, not in their rooms. Kids get entranced in the screen just like adults and most need a timer or alarm or some other external control to meter. |
Anonymous
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OP put his electronics on a timer. They will shut off automatically. Ie no access to internet between say 6pm to 4pm next day.
We did, my kids hated it. But no fights no lies. Dad software guy. |
Anonymous
PP, could you share how you put the electronics on a timer? Or, those who mentioned that they were able to time out a device from their internet connection, could you explain how you did that? As for those who think I am being "overdramatic," it is a change to go from having a scrupulously honest kid to one who lies. I won't go into examples, but up until very recently, DS was very a scrupulously honest kid. When he first started lying about video games, we had lots of "corny" talks about trust and what lies to do relationships. Obviously, it's not sinking it as yet. He is changing. He's becoming a tween and pushing limits. I'm just sad that it includes lying and creates a situation where DH and I have to do more disciplining. We're not so upset that he slipped up on the video games, and BTW, he knew exactly how much time he'd gone over by, it wasn't an issue of his not being aware of the time. We're disappointed that he lied about it, and kept on lying. |
Anonymous
+1 This seems like good advice. |
Anonymous
This +10000. Child is 11 and KNOWS he violated the rules. Asking him to confess to what you already know and he knows that you are going to punish him for is just self-defeating for you and incredibly anxiety provoking for him. Simply tell him that you know he violated the rules, that you are not going to argue/debate about it, and institute the consequence. Although I do wonder why you are choosing this battle. Is he on screen late at night after bedtime? Is he neglecting schoolwork, assigned chores (reasonable ones) or blowing past important boundaries because of screen time? If not, why make a big deal out of it? Kids do best with simple and reasonable expectations and clear consequences. Focus on the big things and let go of the micromanagement. Constantly putting a kid in a gotcha situation like this only teaches him/her that you can't be trusted or are not accepting of mistakes and foibles. And almost guarantees continued lying. |
Anonymous
This is the key sentence. He's 11. His impulse control is limited. You recognize that he can't help himself. So why are you expecting him to choose between self-regulating (which you recognize he can't do) or making you angry (by telling you the truth that he can't self-regulate - something you already know)? Seriously, stop setting your kid up to fail and then expecting him to admit his failure. Much better to put stricter limits on his screen time and more actively TEACH him to recognize how addictive screens are and how difficult it is to self-regulate without help. There's no shame in that. Let him know that many (MANY!) adults can't follow through on the screen time limits we set for ourselves without external help (timers, reminders from our family etc.) Our job is to teach our kids how to do the hard things. Not just to tell them to do them and punish them when they fail. |
Anonymous
He doesn't know how to comply with your expectations and he doesn't want to disappoint you. So he's choosing to roll the dice with a lie to avoid the situation. Don't ask him a question when you already know the answer. You're just setting him up to lie. Tell him you know he's spent too much time on the screen. If there's a consequence, let him know. And then help him learn to navigate screen time in a better way. If that means shutting it off at a certain time or limiting the device to DL and very limited periods of time beyond that, fine. |
Anonymous
This is on you. No 11 year old can shut it off when they are supposed to do so. You can EASILY schedule it to shut his devices wifi off at a certain and turn back on at a certain time Punish yourself, not the child. |