Consequences for 11-year old constantly lying about exceeding screen time limits

[Anonymous]

11-year old DS has begun lying about exceeding screen time limits.

We can trace how much time he spends on screen, but he lies about it anyway, even knowing he can be caught.

I’m heartbroken, as he’s been a pretty truthful child until screen time battles began this year.

DH and I have agreed that DS’s computer and iPad is off limits for the next week except for DL.

Any ideas on appropriate consequences and how he can get back the honest kid we used to have?

[Anonymous]

Well, did he volunteer the lie or did you ask him? I can see asking once (maybe?) because he'd been honest before, but after the first time I would know the answer and thus not ask the question. Or do you mean lying in a different way?

[Anonymous]

Are you setting him up to lie by asking when you already know the answer?

Personally, I would just properly manage the available screen time on his devices, boom done.

[Anonymous]

If you asked me about my screen time, there is no way in hell I could accurately answer without looking it up.

[Anonymous]

When my kid lied, the appropriate consequence was a loss of trust. I monitored behavior a lot more closely than DC was used to and the kid learned very quickly that having mom all up in your business is no fun. It never happened again.

In the case of lying about screen time, I would be 100% in charge if it moving forward. DC would have to check the device in and out from me for use, assuming I approved of screen time in the first place (there would absolutely be a screen free period to start with). When time was up I would absolutely just take the device back if it wasn't given freely. If DC complied without (or at least with minimal) complaining, eventually I'd loosen things up as a test to see if I could trust behavior but the minute I was lied to again things would be locked back down. Rinse and repeat until the kid learns (which my kids always did, so unfortunately I can't help with what to do if they don't get there).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, did he volunteer the lie or did you ask him? I can see asking once (maybe?) because he'd been honest before, but after the first time I would know the answer and thus not ask the question. Or do you mean lying in a different way?

He volunteered the lie. Pretended he was reading when he’d been on video games.

Something about the way he said it made me suspect he was lying. I asked, at which point he lied and said he’s been on for 15 min playing games.

When I checked the usage info, he’s been on for almost an hour — when I thought he’d been reading. I hate to have to tell him he can’t read on screen anymore (Amazon cloud reader), but it seems he can’t be trusted to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, did he volunteer the lie or did you ask him? I can see asking once (maybe?) because he'd been honest before, but after the first time I would know the answer and thus not ask the question. Or do you mean lying in a different way?

He volunteered the lie. Pretended he was reading when he’d been on video games.

Something about the way he said it made me suspect he was lying. I asked, at which point he lied and said he’s been on for 15 min playing games.

When I checked the usage info, he’s been on for almost an hour — when I thought he’d been reading. I hate to have to tell him he can’t read on screen anymore (Amazon cloud reader), but it seems he can’t be trusted to do that.

So this is the first and only time he's lied? I would try to problem solve with him. Why he didn't feel he could be honest, how you can remove that option (screen limiting app), etc. Punishing for lying usually leads to better liars-- and in this case it sounds like he's generally very honest and this is his first significant offense? You're not going to lose your honest kid, OP, if you handle this reasonably.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, did he volunteer the lie or did you ask him? I can see asking once (maybe?) because he'd been honest before, but after the first time I would know the answer and thus not ask the question. Or do you mean lying in a different way?

He volunteered the lie. Pretended he was reading when he’d been on video games.

Something about the way he said it made me suspect he was lying. I asked, at which point he lied and said he’s been on for 15 min playing games.

When I checked the usage info, he’s been on for almost an hour — when I thought he’d been reading. I hate to have to tell him he can’t read on screen anymore (Amazon cloud reader), but it seems he can’t be trusted to do that.

So this is the first and only time he's lied? I would try to problem solve with him. Why he didn't feel he could be honest, how you can remove that option (screen limiting app), etc. Punishing for lying usually leads to better liars-- and in this case it sounds like he's generally very honest and this is his first significant offense? You're not going to lose your honest kid, OP, if you handle this reasonably.

No, th is not is first significant offense.

He has been lying about screen time for a couple months. We reduced available screen time each time he lied before, so he’s had consequences previously.

He knows we can track his screen activity, but still lies about it. It’s like he can’t help himself.

He had screen time taken away last week for lying, just got back to his regular allowance of time this weekend, then lied and went over it again.

I think we are just going to have to take away his computer for a extended period of time, but I am saddened that all we’ve taught him about trust and honesty seems to go out the window when video games are involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:11-year old DS has begun lying about exceeding screen time limits.

We can trace how much time he spends on screen, but he lies about it anyway, even knowing he can be caught.

I’m heartbroken, as he’s been a pretty truthful child until screen time battles began this year.

DH and I have agreed that DS’s computer and iPad is off limits for the next week except for DL.

Any ideas on appropriate consequences and how he can get back the honest kid we used to have?

"Heartbroken?" Really?

Lighten up.

[Anonymous]

Screens are addictive. Even for adults. He can't help it - he needs boundaries so give him them.

[Anonymous]

It's an addiction. Scientifically proven.

I'd say that every time he lies, he goes a month without screen time. To break the habit.

But honestly, an 11 year old should be reading books most of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, did he volunteer the lie or did you ask him? I can see asking once (maybe?) because he'd been honest before, but after the first time I would know the answer and thus not ask the question. Or do you mean lying in a different way?

He volunteered the lie. Pretended he was reading when he’d been on video games.

Something about the way he said it made me suspect he was lying. I asked, at which point he lied and said he’s been on for 15 min playing games.

When I checked the usage info, he’s been on for almost an hour — when I thought he’d been reading. I hate to have to tell him he can’t read on screen anymore (Amazon cloud reader), but it seems he can’t be trusted to do that.

Kids don't need screens to read. Get some books.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Screens are addictive. Even for adults. He can't help it - he needs boundaries so give him them.

This. Honestly, you are setting him up for failure. Everything is caught off when you set it to cut off. He may think it has only been 15 mins when it was really a hour. Time flies when you are having fun! I can’t believe you let this go on for months.

[Anonymous]

Get him a kindle paperwhite which is only for reading. That's what my 10 yo has.

But yeah, screens are addictive and the forced use of them during the pandemic has made it worse for everyone. My 10 yo is an extreme rule follower and she is also having problems staying off. As am I -- am I not on now? So I wouldn't fault him too much for the lying, just help him manage it.

[Anonymous]

There is no way my 11 year old could have a screen for 'reading' that also had the option of games and not play games. He does not have that much self control. You either need a setting that cuts off access to the games, or just get him paper books.