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[quote=Anonymous]OP, I would start by finding a qualified therapist of your own.  You need someone to help you process your own emotions about what's going on so they don't come out in destruction fashion around your kids or ex, and that therapist will also be able to give you guidance on how to approach your kids (even though it will presumably be just you, a family therapist may be helpful in this regard).

In the meantime, here's a different way to think about this (which takes everything you said at face value and gives you the benefit of the doubt here - so if you're glossing over details where you did smack them once or twice, this may be be the right advice).  Your kids are isolated with your ex away from you in another state.  They need her house to be a safe place for them because they have no other options.  So when their mom feeds them this stuff, they don't really have a choice but to accept it to appease her.  So for now, recognize that when they say this stuff, it's not really about you, it's about them and their need to protect themselves.  Anything you do that feels like you lashing out at them for it will make them view you as just as threatening as your ex.

They are kids, and are coping with this they only way they can.  They need you to be the adult here.  They need you to be the parent who loves and accepts them unconditionally, no matter what.  This means that first, you don't miss any visitation time with them.  They need to be able to count on you to show up, even if they don't want to go in the moment.  Second, when they say you beat them in the past, don't argue with it.  Don't respond to accusations about past behavior directly (because then you're forcing them to choose sides, and the idea of siding against their mom is too scary for them).  Instead, reassure them about the future.  "Jane and Mary, I promise you I will not hit you.  I will take good care of you, and you are safe in my home."

Finally, follow through on that.  Don't be Disney Dad, that won't accomplish anything.  But be kind to them.  Be compassionate.  Realize that going with you is very anxiety-provoking for them right now because they're worried about how their mom will respond afterward.  Know they may try to provoke you because they're worried about whether you'll get mad at them or lash out, and sometimes when you're worried about that, it's easier to provoke it so it comes and you get it over with than to keep sitting with the anxiety about when it will happen.  So whatever happens during their time with you, you keep your cool.  Obviously you need to have reasonable rules, boundaries and limits, but if they oversteps those, you need to respond calmly and compassionately, not with anger or retribution.  They need you to take care of them emotionally more than anything right now, which means putting aside your own hurt and anger to make sure their emotional needs are being met.[/quote]

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