Surprised how the tone has changed from save it to divorce

[Anonymous]

Posters trash people that reconcile after an affair. Even if somebody was faithful for 20 years, the family/marriage was happy, the cheater is extremely remorseful and in individual therapy. They call the woman (oddly not the men) all kinds of names...spineless, weak, etc. 80% do not divorce and many of those are women that are working and successful.

Marriages can end up being stronger and more fulfilling in the 2nd half when blown open and rebuilt. Not all situations are the same yet this board comes at it as if all cheaters/people and type of affairs are the same. Some cheaters are awful, some are not.

I agree there is a real delusion from some women about how great divorce will be financially for them. They often are shocked at the financial situation after.

The grass isn’t greener a lot of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Posters trash people that reconcile after an affair. Even if somebody was faithful for 20 years, the family/marriage was happy, the cheater is extremely remorseful and in individual therapy. They call the woman (oddly not the men) all kinds of names...spineless, weak, etc. 80% do not divorce and many of those are women that are working and successful.

Marriages can end up being stronger and more fulfilling in the 2nd half when blown open and rebuilt. Not all situations are the same yet this board comes at it as if all cheaters/people and type of affairs are the same. Some cheaters are awful, some are not.

I agree there is a real delusion from some women about how great divorce will be financially for them. They often are shocked at the financial situation after.

The grass isn’t greener a lot of the time.

Life is more than this. It was financially rough for many years. However, it was SO PEACEFUL. I could come home to that two bedroom apartment and the atmosphere was so peaceful and happy. My oldest had to relearn how to laugh and enjoy herself at home without fear of triggering an angry man. You can’t buy tranquility and feeling relaxed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been on this forum more years than I care to count. The relationship discussion was a big draw for me when my kids were little and even beyond that. I really wanted to divorce DH. However, there was so much logic and push here to stick it out, etc and I’m glad I did. Now I see posts with similar problems and the majority of advice seems to lean towards divorce. What changed?

I'd have to know what you mean by similar problems, if you resolved them, and how long ago you are talking.

It's an anonymous message board so I think it's very hard to tell if people have been here consistently. It's possible there's a cohort of women like you/similar age that advised you to stay married but ended up finding themselves divorced or regretted staying married. In my case, I've stayed married, but wish I had shut down my husband's temper and verbal abuse or had divorced. I'm late 40's and there have been 3 divorces among my acquaintances in the same age group in just the last year. I know for sure that two of them wish they had pulled the trigger on divorce earlier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Posters trash people that reconcile after an affair. Even if somebody was faithful for 20 years, the family/marriage was happy, the cheater is extremely remorseful and in individual therapy. They call the woman (oddly not the men) all kinds of names...spineless, weak, etc. 80% do not divorce and many of those are women that are working and successful.

Marriages can end up being stronger and more fulfilling in the 2nd half when blown open and rebuilt. Not all situations are the same yet this board comes at it as if all cheaters/people and type of affairs are the same. Some cheaters are awful, some are not.

I agree there is a real delusion from some women about how great divorce will be financially for them. They often are shocked at the financial situation after.

The grass isn’t greener a lot of the time.

Life is more than this. It was financially rough for many years. However, it was SO PEACEFUL. I could come home to that two bedroom apartment and the atmosphere was so peaceful and happy. My oldest had to relearn how to laugh and enjoy herself at home without fear of triggering an angry man. You can’t buy tranquility and feeling relaxed.

That’s your personal experience though. A lot of people’s spouses were not angry or bad fathers or yelling/critical. Not even bad to their wives at home.

Nobody knows anyone else’s situation. They come at it through their own experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DCUM is weird. You can get totally different advice from one day to the next.

I don't know how long ago you were thinking of divorce, but I dunno, society is changing?

So, I've actually tested this out, and the first poster to respond to a thread sets the entire thread. Almost everyone adds to what the first poster says, with the occasional mild dissent.

[Anonymous]

The board has been around long enough now to have people following for a good length of time. I was very unhappily married and following along. Most of the advice was that life sucked after divorce, no man would want to date a middle aged single mom. I’d never be able to pay my bills and my kids would be screwed up for life.

And then I hit my bottom and knew anything, even the hellish life described here, would be better than my married life. I divorced and none of the threats and warnings came true. I found a new home, divorce only took a year, i got half the assets and financially managed fine, my kids are happy and life is so, so much better. I met a great man and remarried.

I know half a dozen other women who have divorced. Some have struggled, but most are doing well. Sometimes things don’t work out in a marriage. We now live in a time where women have so many more options.

[Anonymous]

I've observed the opposite on this board. In every thread where someone is considering divorce, someone comes in to say you need to stay together for the kids and you can only leave if there is abuse. There is no consideration given to the thought that the marriage should not have been. Some people force a marriage for whatever reasons. Some posters need to know that they can leave and the world doesn't end. Better days are ahead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think divorce is fun for the first few years when you can still date and then you get over all the alone time and "time off" of the kids and realize you don't really have a family anymore.

I felt like I did not have "a family" to begin with. I had a dictator and kids. Hence, a divorce. I hated every second of being married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've observed the opposite on this board. In every thread where someone is considering divorce, someone comes in to say you need to stay together for the kids and you can only leave if there is abuse. There is no consideration given to the thought that the marriage should not have been. Some people force a marriage for whatever reasons. Some posters need to know that they can leave and the world doesn't end. Better days are ahead.

This. I am the immediate PP. My marriage never should have happened. It almost didn't. Everyone said do it anyway. Then they said "keep trying." So stupid. It was a mistake. My regret is letting it steal a decade of my life and permanently altering it when 1) it never should have happpened and 2) it should have ended ASAP rather than getting deeper into the black hole making it harder to get out as time went by.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Much abusive behavior has been tolerated and normalized by women and society over the years, but after years of education some forms of abuse or less tolerated - emotional and verbal abuse and infidelity. 15-20 years ago those were “relationship” or “communication” problems. Now they are “abuse,” and rightfully so labelled, IMO.

Yes! A year after my divorce, I’m fully realizing that the “relationship issues” we tried to “work on together” in couples therapy were not really disagreements or communication issues - they were abusive patterns (emotional abuse, character assassination, gaslighting) that couldn’t be remedied unless XH really addressed them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Much abusive behavior has been tolerated and normalized by women and society over the years, but after years of education some forms of abuse or less tolerated - emotional and verbal abuse and infidelity. 15-20 years ago those were “relationship” or “communication” problems. Now they are “abuse,” and rightfully so labelled, IMO.

Yes! A year after my divorce, I’m fully realizing that the “relationship issues” we tried to “work on together” in couples therapy were not really disagreements or communication issues - they were abusive patterns (emotional abuse, character assassination, gaslighting) that couldn’t be remedied unless XH really addressed them.

So ... thankfully I had the option of ending the marriage. I earn enough to support myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've observed the opposite on this board. In every thread where someone is considering divorce, someone comes in to say you need to stay together for the kids and you can only leave if there is abuse. There is no consideration given to the thought that the marriage should not have been. Some people force a marriage for whatever reasons. Some posters need to know that they can leave and the world doesn't end. Better days are ahead.

This. I am the immediate PP. My marriage never should have happened. It almost didn't. Everyone said do it anyway. Then they said "keep trying." So stupid. It was a mistake. My regret is letting it steal a decade of my life and permanently altering it when 1) it never should have happpened and 2) it should have ended ASAP rather than getting deeper into the black hole making it harder to get out as time went by.

I posted earlier. My first marriage never should have happened. Even if all I know about him today was what I knew when we married, my 49 year old self would have run for the hills. But I was young, very inexperienced, and very optimistic. A few years ago, before I finally agreed to marry my DH, I recalled how during the first year of my first marriage, everyone I confided in said “Marriage is hard work.” Except the marriage counselor who said he had strong concerns and encouraged me to consider separation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's been that way forever. I'm divorced for 7 years now and my ex-wife would foolishly come here for relationship advice. She got some of the juice to instigate a divorce (as well as horrible legal advice) right on this forum. I post here to try to give a wake-up call to women who think divorce is going to be great, and a judge is going to hand them everything. My ex is currently 100 pounds overweight, single, living in a home that smells like cat urine, and the kids don't respect her.

If you value marriage at all I'd leave this place and never come back.

Yeah, that is NOT the norm of post-divorce life for women.

As a man in his mid-50s who dates, I'd say many divorced women my age are as described above. About 2 percent seem to be thin, sane, and financially stable. Quite a few of them should have just hung onto their husbands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's been that way forever. I'm divorced for 7 years now and my ex-wife would foolishly come here for relationship advice. She got some of the juice to instigate a divorce (as well as horrible legal advice) right on this forum. I post here to try to give a wake-up call to women who think divorce is going to be great, and a judge is going to hand them everything. My ex is currently 100 pounds overweight, single, living in a home that smells like cat urine, and the kids don't respect her.

If you value marriage at all I'd leave this place and never come back.

Gosh- sounds like you married a real loser. I hope you’ve examined what that means about you.

OP I am one of the first to divorce amongst my social circle- I’m making mid size figures and have a freedom and peace my married friends envy. I have the time to stay in great shape and learn new skills and hobbies. I think divorce is awesome- and my the time my kids hit college I will have a solid decade of independence behind me. My married SAHM friends are going to be lost when the kids they’ve been smothering go off to college, and their husband to the office or golf course, and they have to recreate their lives. I’ve already done that work.

That's not envy, it's pity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's been that way forever. I'm divorced for 7 years now and my ex-wife would foolishly come here for relationship advice. She got some of the juice to instigate a divorce (as well as horrible legal advice) right on this forum. I post here to try to give a wake-up call to women who think divorce is going to be great, and a judge is going to hand them everything. My ex is currently 100 pounds overweight, single, living in a home that smells like cat urine, and the kids don't respect her.

If you value marriage at all I'd leave this place and never come back.

Yeah, that is NOT the norm of post-divorce life for women.

As a man in his mid-50s who dates, I'd say many divorced women my age are as described above. About 2 percent seem to be thin, sane, and financially stable. Quite a few of them should have just hung onto their husbands.

I'm trying to, but my husband is definitely mentally incompetent. We're on the 4th infidelity in a year and they are all different kinds ranging from financial to emotional, to physical. It never seems to end. I've become a de facto nurse as he continues to blame his inability to think properly. Divorce is the last think I want, but is it worth it to be in a parent child relationship or one where you both hate or don't care for each other? Dysfunctional relationships cause just as many problems. I don't know what the answer is. It just seems like there are a lot of men that are very confused about their role as husband, father, employee, and community partner. Women too. Just a lot of people who are lost.