Surprised how the tone has changed from save it to divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been on this forum more years than I care to count. The relationship discussion was a big draw for me when my kids were little and even beyond that. I really wanted to divorce DH. However, there was so much logic and push here to stick it out, etc and I’m glad I did. Now I see posts with similar problems and the majority of advice seems to lean towards divorce. What changed?

Maybe it reflects a highly vocal subset of the board or my other pet theory that it is often vocal singles that are quick to suggest it, I am not sure. The extreme voices often dominate. There is certainly also a group of wiser, more mature posters who know a thing or two, lived it and suggest it in cases of abuse, but yes I agree, it is a common refrain here sometimes. Thankfully, there seems to usually be some balance.

This made me laugh.
Someone once pointed out in a General Parenting thread that with the demographic of the board, many of the very vocal anti-trampoline posters likely lived in townhouses or apartments. There is probably something similar with single people on the relationship board.

[Anonymous]

Lots of miserable divorcees on here. Misery loves company!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lots of miserable divorcees on here. Misery loves company!

Agree. Some seem very upset that somebody else's situation may not be remotely like their own. They like to say everyone is unhappy and only staying because they are afraid or only there for the kids. It's always name-calling and the woman is pathetic and settling for abuse of she chooses not to divorce.

Any long marriage (20+ years) is going to hit rough patches. That doesn't negate the entire thing or mean that there can't be an even happier future if there was significant love and happiness for most of it. Middle age can be a transformative time. Some people change for the worse and there is no going back. They are a lost cause. Some go through a rough time, do the work and come out better people. The latter isn't one to throw away. If you are married to somebody that changed for the worse and does not want to work on the marriage or stay, then divorce is the only answer. But, that isn't the situation for everyone. Not even close.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been on this forum more years than I care to count. The relationship discussion was a big draw for me when my kids were little and even beyond that. I really wanted to divorce DH. However, there was so much logic and push here to stick it out, etc and I’m glad I did. Now I see posts with similar problems and the majority of advice seems to lean towards divorce. What changed?

More options career-wise for women. Women see more friends and kids thriving post divorce. I was the second divorce in my social circle. There was so much pessimism and misinformation about what would happen to me. 15 years later, 1/2 are divorced. No one had that knee-jerk doom and gloom prediction anymore.

In earlier generations, there were several factors that kept women in bad marriages for longer. They typically did not have the skills or career to earn a good income to support a family and the stigma of being a divorcee. Fortunately both of those are not as prevalent as they once were.

My parents are divorced and it was really the best thing all around. I sometimes post in these thread to provide a point of view that divorce is not always going to be devastating to the children. It is a false but commonly held belief that children are always traumatized by a divorce. My parents are now happily remarried to other people and my siblings and I are all in healthy long-term marriages. Why be completely miserable in life if your spouse is a jerk or you are just fundamentally not compatible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been on this forum more years than I care to count. The relationship discussion was a big draw for me when my kids were little and even beyond that. I really wanted to divorce DH. However, there was so much logic and push here to stick it out, etc and I’m glad I did. Now I see posts with similar problems and the majority of advice seems to lean towards divorce. What changed?

More options career-wise for women. Women see more friends and kids thriving post divorce. I was the second divorce in my social circle. There was so much pessimism and misinformation about what would happen to me. 15 years later, 1/2 are divorced. No one had that knee-jerk doom and gloom prediction anymore.

In earlier generations, there were several factors that kept women in bad marriages for longer. They typically did not have the skills or career to earn a good income to support a family and the stigma of being a divorcee. Fortunately both of those are not as prevalent as they once were.

My parents are divorced and it was really the best thing all around. I sometimes post in these thread to provide a point of view that divorce is not always going to be devastating to the children. It is a false but commonly held belief that children are always traumatized by a divorce. My parents are now happily remarried to other people and my siblings and I are all in healthy long-term marriages. Why be completely miserable in life if your spouse is a jerk or you are just fundamentally not compatible.

And, because of these options, most women choosing to stay are not staying because there are no options. Perhaps, there is genuine love and happiness in their marriage and they have properly addressed and worked through the rough patches in therapy. Maybe they weren't actively fighting and stonewalling in front of their kids.

What is being said is, not everyone that stays married is miserable ...AT ALL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Misery loves company.

This

[Anonymous]

Honestly I divorced my cheater (we had been married for three years, so no 20 years or whatever to try to rebuild and life is too short) but I don't care what other people do with their marriages. I have friends who are happily married and divorced and miserably married and miserably divorced. Relationships are so specific, short of abuse I would never tell someone to leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I divorced my cheater (we had been married for three years, so no 20 years or whatever to try to rebuild and life is too short) but I don't care what other people do with their marriages. I have friends who are happily married and divorced and miserably married and miserably divorced. Relationships are so specific, short of abuse I would never tell someone to leave.

But you left.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been on this forum more years than I care to count. The relationship discussion was a big draw for me when my kids were little and even beyond that. I really wanted to divorce DH. However, there was so much logic and push here to stick it out, etc and I’m glad I did. Now I see posts with similar problems and the majority of advice seems to lean towards divorce. What changed?

More options career-wise for women. Women see more friends and kids thriving post divorce. I was the second divorce in my social circle. There was so much pessimism and misinformation about what would happen to me. 15 years later, 1/2 are divorced. No one had that knee-jerk doom and gloom prediction anymore.

In earlier generations, there were several factors that kept women in bad marriages for longer. They typically did not have the skills or career to earn a good income to support a family and the stigma of being a divorcee. Fortunately both of those are not as prevalent as they once were.

My parents are divorced and it was really the best thing all around. I sometimes post in these thread to provide a point of view that divorce is not always going to be devastating to the children. It is a false but commonly held belief that children are always traumatized by a divorce. My parents are now happily remarried to other people and my siblings and I are all in healthy long-term marriages. Why be completely miserable in life if your spouse is a jerk or you are just fundamentally not compatible.

Just to offer a different perspective, my parents divorced and it had a huge affect on me, in ways I still don't fully understand. I hated the separate families, the step mom/brothers/sisters, the split holidays, the hurt is caused our family, the financial stress it put on everyone. Sure we looked fine on the surface, but i was (and still am) really torn up about it - that was over 20 years. My relationship with my father was never the same, especially after he remarried. As other PPs have mentioned, every situation is different, it's really difficult to know how it will affect your kids. PP, it's great that everything worked out well for you. I've never shared my feelings with my parents, so it's very likely they felt everything worked out well for them too.

[Anonymous]

IMO the tone has changed because social media has become prevalent in the last decade. Twitter was founded in 2006. Facebook founded in 2004.

People can now see what kind of stress their friends, family, relatives are under with pictures and videos of all the incidents. They can also see what life is like in a happy and unhappy marriage.

Honestly - look at this video of a mother and child interacting and tell me this family is 'healthier' than someone who decided to divorce an argumentative spouse and take the children to a healthier environment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Misery loves company.

This

This is why there’s such a huge “stay married” cried on DCUM (a notably miserable group of people).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:IMO the tone has changed because social media has become prevalent in the last decade. Twitter was founded in 2006. Facebook founded in 2004.

People can now see what kind of stress their friends, family, relatives are under with pictures and videos of all the incidents. They can also see what life is like in a happy and unhappy marriage.

Honestly - look at this video of a mother and child interacting and tell me this family is 'healthier' than someone who decided to divorce an argumentative spouse and take the children to a healthier environment.

Don’t be ridiculous.

Other than Conway’s daughter, people only post the happy or fabricated stuff.

Nobody can tell what is going on in anyone’s life from social media. It’s a farce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:IMO the tone has changed because social media has become prevalent in the last decade. Twitter was founded in 2006. Facebook founded in 2004.

People can now see what kind of stress their friends, family, relatives are under with pictures and videos of all the incidents. They can also see what life is like in a happy and unhappy marriage.

Honestly - look at this video of a mother and child interacting and tell me this family is 'healthier' than someone who decided to divorce an argumentative spouse and take the children to a healthier environment.

Don’t be ridiculous.

Other than Conway’s daughter, people only post the happy or fabricated stuff.

Nobody can tell what is going on in anyone’s life from social media. It’s a farce.

Yes and nobody was under the impression that was a happy marriage or household prior to Claudia’s posts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:IMO the tone has changed because social media has become prevalent in the last decade. Twitter was founded in 2006. Facebook founded in 2004.

People can now see what kind of stress their friends, family, relatives are under with pictures and videos of all the incidents. They can also see what life is like in a happy and unhappy marriage.

Honestly - look at this video of a mother and child interacting and tell me this family is 'healthier' than someone who decided to divorce an argumentative spouse and take the children to a healthier environment.

Don’t be ridiculous.

Other than Conway’s daughter, people only post the happy or fabricated stuff.

Nobody can tell what is going on in anyone’s life from social media. It’s a farce.

Yes and nobody was under the impression that was a happy marriage or household prior to Claudia’s posts.

That’s an extreme case. Much different than people that had a happy, healthy harmonious home life and found out one had a midlife infidelity blip. 64% of men that rate their marriages/home life as extremely happy have cheated at one point in the long term marriage.

Yes—if there is abuse like the Conway household against a spouse or child, divorce is best option. As people have stayed time and time again, everyone’s situation, circumstances and problems are unique.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been on this forum more years than I care to count. The relationship discussion was a big draw for me when my kids were little and even beyond that. I really wanted to divorce DH. However, there was so much logic and push here to stick it out, etc and I’m glad I did. Now I see posts with similar problems and the majority of advice seems to lean towards divorce. What changed?

More options career-wise for women. Women see more friends and kids thriving post divorce. I was the second divorce in my social circle. There was so much pessimism and misinformation about what would happen to me. 15 years later, 1/2 are divorced. No one had that knee-jerk doom and gloom prediction anymore.

In earlier generations, there were several factors that kept women in bad marriages for longer. They typically did not have the skills or career to earn a good income to support a family and the stigma of being a divorcee. Fortunately both of those are not as prevalent as they once were.

My parents are divorced and it was really the best thing all around. I sometimes post in these thread to provide a point of view that divorce is not always going to be devastating to the children. It is a false but commonly held belief that children are always traumatized by a divorce. My parents are now happily remarried to other people and my siblings and I are all in healthy long-term marriages. Why be completely miserable in life if your spouse is a jerk or you are just fundamentally not compatible.

Just to offer a different perspective, my parents divorced and it had a huge affect on me, in ways I still don't fully understand. I hated the separate families, the step mom/brothers/sisters, the split holidays, the hurt is caused our family, the financial stress it put on everyone. Sure we looked fine on the surface, but i was (and still am) really torn up about it - that was over 20 years. My relationship with my father was never the same, especially after he remarried. As other PPs have mentioned, every situation is different, it's really difficult to know how it will affect your kids. PP, it's great that everything worked out well for you. I've never shared my feelings with my parents, so it's very likely they felt everything worked out well for them too.

I am sorry that you have continued pain. But happy marriages do not end in divorce. What is your counter factual? A fantasy of a different marriage for your parents? Divorced but not remarried?