S/O input from women/moms 50+

[Anonymous]

I’m in my 40s and while I can’t really comment on the specific situation OP describes (I would never be more than arms length from my kid in a cart at that age), but once I was carrying a squirming toddler across a crosswalk while also pushing a stroller, a woman sidled up to me and advised “It’s easier if you have the child ride in the stroller.” OH RLY? I didn’t know you were supposed to put them IN the stroller. This was definitely a case of me being too dumb to know what strollers are for, and not an issue of a child refusing to get in a stroller while also trying to run into oncoming traffic. I said “thanks!” and then swore at her under my breath as I walked away.

Moms of young kids get unsolicited advice nearly constantly. We are annoyed because we rarely get actual help. In my case, I would have appreciated a stranger offering to push the stroller the rest of the way across the street so I could hold my toddler with two hands. Anything else is a MYOB situation.

You might think you are helping, but often you are misinterpreting a situation and offering “advice” that someone doesn’t need and will just haunt them at 2am when they can’t sleep (“Wait, SHOULD my kid be eating more root vegetables? Is that a thing?”). No thanks.

[Anonymous]

You did the right thing, OP. The woman was embarrassed and didn’t respond graciously. I’ve experienced this on occasion but never hesitate to speak up on behalf of the child.

[Anonymous]

I’ve seen this happen more times than I can count. I just address the child, “Sit down, honey. You might fall down!” If I get a dirty look, so be it. Better than a terrible accident that I could have prevented.

[Anonymous]

I also address the child in a gentle way, "Oh, you'd better sit down and stay safe." And then I'm on my way. If the mom gets pissy about my words keeping her kid in a dangerous situation from flipping the shopping cart, whatever. At least the child was less likely to get injured. If it's not a clear safety issue I keep my mouth shut.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m in my 40s and while I can’t really comment on the specific situation OP describes (I would never be more than arms length from my kid in a cart at that age), but once I was carrying a squirming toddler across a crosswalk while also pushing a stroller, a woman sidled up to me and advised “It’s easier if you have the child ride in the stroller.” OH RLY? I didn’t know you were supposed to put them IN the stroller. This was definitely a case of me being too dumb to know what strollers are for, and not an issue of a child refusing to get in a stroller while also trying to run into oncoming traffic. I said “thanks!” and then swore at her under my breath as I walked away.

Moms of young kids get unsolicited advice nearly constantly. We are annoyed because we rarely get actual help. In my case, I would have appreciated a stranger offering to push the stroller the rest of the way across the street so I could hold my toddler with two hands. Anything else is a MYOB situation.

You might think you are helping, but often you are misinterpreting a situation and offering “advice” that someone doesn’t need and will just haunt them at 2am when they can’t sleep (“Wait, SHOULD my kid be eating more root vegetables? Is that a thing?”). No thanks.

I'm sure it was an annoying comment, partly because she was right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't parent the world. Sometimes it's best not to offer advice/help. Younger mothers are definitely from a different world. I learned the hard way to NEVER EVER give advice unless I'm asked and then I sometimes say I don't know. I for sure wouldn't do it to a stranger. Younger mothers have rabies.

My DIL once told me

" This is OUR child. I will raise her the best way I know how and it won't be some 50s style of parenting. You raised your, I'll raise mine "

All because I offered advice on diapers. DIAPERS. Needless to say that right there ended any relationship we might have had. Live and learn.

Maybe it's the way you said it?

I'm 50, and my mom still tries to tell me how to parent, but she says it in such a way that comes across as patronizing and condescending. She thinks she knows better because she raised 4 kids the old fashion way.

I don't have a good relationship with her, either.

If your comment was based on 1980s diaper technology, then you were wrong. Consider that things really do change over time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 53 and I don't want to be told how to parent by a stranger. I wouldn't have said anything to you.

But I also don't say anything to other people whose parenting I don't approve of.

This wasn't parenting though.

It was a potential dangerous situation.

Like, "don't touch the firepit, it's hot."

DP. But obviously this mom didn’t agree about the danger assessment. Obviously based on OP’s telling it was a dangerous situation, but that’s her version. But I’ve been scolded by older moms in public many times for things like walking too far down the aisle in a store from the stroller, and don’t I know about kidnappings?? I don’t agree that it’s a risk and I don’t appreciate the advice about the “dangerous situation.”

[Anonymous]

No, it’s a negligent patent thing.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Based on the lack of responses from those 50+ and the overwhelming responses from younger mothers, the resounding advice is to MYOB when it comes to their children even in dangerous situations.

Next time I'll just walk by.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 53 and I don't want to be told how to parent by a stranger. I wouldn't have said anything to you.

But I also don't say anything to other people whose parenting I don't approve of.

This wasn't parenting though.

It was a potential dangerous situation.

Like, "don't touch the firepit, it's hot."

DP. But obviously this mom didn’t agree about the danger assessment. Obviously based on OP’s telling it was a dangerous situation, but that’s her version. But I’ve been scolded by older moms in public many times for things like walking too far down the aisle in a store from the stroller, and don’t I know about kidnappings?? I don’t agree that it’s a risk and I don’t appreciate the advice about the “dangerous situation.”

^OP again. This response sums up exactly what I am referring to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve seen this happen more times than I can count. I just address the child, “Sit down, honey. You might fall down!” If I get a dirty look, so be it. Better than a terrible accident that I could have prevented.

OP. That was my line of thinking and has been that way for most of my life, but things have definitely changed as evidenced by the responses here. I guess the right thing to do now is to ignore others' children and MYOB.

[Anonymous]

I think your issue is that you scolded the mother. Like several others, I have seen a kid about to do something dreadful to themselves and I smile and say to the kid “oh, honey sit down, you don’t want to get a boo-boo” or something like that. And then I complement the kid on their shoes or something else. Kid sits down, looks at their shoes, and I’ve never been glared at yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your issue is that you scolded the mother. Like several others, I have seen a kid about to do something dreadful to themselves and I smile and say to the kid “oh, honey sit down, you don’t want to get a boo-boo” or something like that. And then I complement the kid on their shoes or something else. Kid sits down, looks at their shoes, and I’ve never been glared at yet.

Nope.

Either we as women look out for each other (and children) the best way we can, or we don't.

I've also used the tact you've mentioned and have in return been scolded by the mom for talking directly to her kid. It's a no-win. If it's a potentially dangerous situation you don't have time to internally debate, "Hmmm. How should I phrase this so mom doesn't take offense?"

I'm glad I have now been educated that today's mothers don't want input, even when their child may be endangered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Based on the lack of responses from those 50+ and the overwhelming responses from younger mothers, the resounding advice is to MYOB when it comes to their children even in dangerous situations.

Next time I'll just walk by.

I'm 50+ and would guess it was the way you said it, not what you said. As others have suggested, I would have said to the child "Hey, bud, careful there" and then smiled at the mom and said, "Oy, I had an acrobat just like this little guy." That approach usually works for me, probably because the subtext is "I've been there, sister", rather than "You're not watching your kid."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Based on the lack of responses from those 50+ and the overwhelming responses from younger mothers, the resounding advice is to MYOB when it comes to their children even in dangerous situations.

Next time I'll just walk by.

I'm 50+ and would guess it was the way you said it, not what you said. As others have suggested, I would have said to the child "Hey, bud, careful there" and then smiled at the mom and said, "Oy, I had an acrobat just like this little guy." That approach usually works for me, probably because the subtext is "I've been there, sister", rather than "You're not watching your kid."

+100

I think sometimes we forget what it's like to have young kids, and how often others (your friends, your mom, your MIL, teachers, etc.) will comment or just outright judge your parenting. I try to remember that every mom is doing the best she can, and needs support more than she needs criticism. Look for a way to be supportive, instead of a scolding.

I think it's also good to check yourself by asking if you would consider this person a "bad parent" if they were a father. I know my husband used to get nothing but kind words and compliments when he did things like take our baby to the grocery store or to the park. People don't criticize men on their parenting as much because they still think it's novel when they see a man taking care of a child and want to encourage it. If you wouldn't say something to a man about it, don't say anything to a woman (and maybe encourage young moms in the same way we encourage dads -- they probably need it more than you think!).