S/O input from women/moms 50+

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Based on the lack of responses from those 50+ and the overwhelming responses from younger mothers, the resounding advice is to MYOB when it comes to their children even in dangerous situations.

Next time I'll just walk by.

I am 50 and you were just being annoying to a mom who was just happy her kid wasn't crying in the store and she just wanted to get her shopping done.

The kid probably wasn't in "danger" it's just that we forget how often toddlers/preschoolers do this kind of stuff and their parents see it all the time.

The only time in the last 15 years when I have ever had to say something to a mom was when her kid was about to go over the top handle of the grocery cart and I just said" uh oh! I think he's going to fall..." and she immediately turned around and caught him , said thanks and went back to shopping

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Based on the lack of responses from those 50+ and the overwhelming responses from younger mothers, the resounding advice is to MYOB when it comes to their children even in dangerous situations.

Next time I'll just walk by.

I am 50 and you were just being annoying to a mom who was just happy her kid wasn't crying in the store and she just wanted to get her shopping done.

The kid probably wasn't in "danger" it's just that we forget how often toddlers/preschoolers do this kind of stuff and their parents see it all the time.

The only time in the last 15 years when I have ever had to say something to a mom was when her kid was about to go over the top handle of the grocery cart and I just said" uh oh! I think he's going to fall..." and she immediately turned around and caught him , said thanks and went back to shopping

Doubt you are 50 as you're reading comprehension seems to be at a more juvenile level.

Did you read, "The boy was not buckled into cart and was standing up on seat, bent over grabbing the cart handle and was leaning across it head-first. " It seems like an identical situation to what you experienced except mother expressed thanks not annoyance.

Did you also look at statistics PP provided re: shopping cart injuries?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:34 yo here- I would have said to the boy "you better sit down or you're going to fall." I don't mind people speaking up to my kids. Some women go too far though with preaching to you though. A woman got in a nasty debate on my facebook moms group recently about prenatal vitamins. She says moms who took gummy don't care enough about their babies. Other moms screamed back that they had hyperemesis or whatever. Or debates over a lovey in the crib at 9 months.

I actually witnessed a heartbreaking scene a few weeks ago. A car seat was on top of a shopping cart and the car seat fell and landed face down. The baby was strapped in thankfully. But it was an infant <1 month old and was screaming so much his face was blue. The mom just plopped him back on the cart. We tried to help (my shopping companion was an OB), but there was a language barrier too. We could tell the mom cared about the baby though. I had wanted to say something and didn't before the baby fell. I've been thinking a lot about it and why I didn't speak up. I feel like I didn't want to be patronizing (she was poor, very young and an immigrant) so I didn't speak up, when I normally do. The baby clearly could have died.

you didn’t want to be patronizing like you are now assuming that she was poor and an immigrant.
If there was a language barrier then she could not have freaking told you all those supposed facts about her self.

[Anonymous]

I’m 52 snd I would have told you to mind your own business.

I really don’t care if my kids fall and learn their lesson the natural way.

Falling that far is not going to be a big deal.

I think the people that agree with you are just very concerned about the public believing they are “good parents” based on their ability to “control” their kids.

I would have said to my child if you don’t stop you will hurt yourself but I would not force him to stop.

Once my child was pulling something and I told him it’s gonna fall and it fell on him, I said okay you need to fix it then he (at 4) had to sit there and fix what he had done. A mom came over as he put the things that fell away without my help she said, does he need help? No, he created this he will fix it. A man stepped up and said some kids need to learn from doing not telling you are doing a good job.

Women are so quick to believe their way is the right way.

So long story short MYOB.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m 52 snd I would have told you to mind your own business.

I really don’t care if my kids fall and learn their lesson the natural way.

Falling that far is not going to be a big deal.

I think the people that agree with you are just very concerned about the public believing they are “good parents” based on their ability to “control” their kids.

I would have said to my child if you don’t stop you will hurt yourself but I would not force him to stop.

Once my child was pulling something and I told him it’s gonna fall and it fell on him, I said okay you need to fix it then he (at 4) had to sit there and fix what he had done. A mom came over as he put the things that fell away without my help she said, does he need help? No, he created this he will fix it. A man stepped up and said some kids need to learn from doing not telling you are doing a good job.

Women are so quick to believe their way is the right way.

So long story short MYOB.

Any person (man or woman) who thinks it is OK to let children do something obviously dangerous because they will learn from it, is just plain wrong. Picking up items from the floor is not the same as immediate physical danger.

I guess seeing children run into the street, flail about in water, ride without carseat, or stand idly by while a stranger throws them screaming into a car are all learning lessons? Just MYOB?

If you don't think a toddler falling out of a grocery cart head first isn't serious, perhaps you have taken such a fall yourself and hit your head. Thus your illogical reply. If you truly believe what you just wrote then I suggest a visit to your physician. At 52 it just might be possible you could have some sort of cognizant disorder brewing.

I hope you don't have grandchildren who are left alone in your care.

[Anonymous]

OP, there is a simple rule of parenting etiquette you need to learn.

You do not criticize someone else's parenting directly.

However, it is acceptable warn a child directly if you fear he will injure himself.

So there's a difference between telling the parent -- Look at your kid, he is going to fall!!

versus telling the child: "Watch out, you are going to fall!"

The second statement allows the parent to save face. The assumption is that they didn't see the dangerous situation. The parent could turn to you and still say " He's fine" but you can just say "I'm sorry, I was worried he would hurt himself."

Your interest is in the child, keeping him safe (admirable and proper etiquette) not on correcting the parent for failing to keep the child safe (not allowed unless it is TRULY a neglect situation you should be reporting.)

You do not use this type of warning if the parent IS paying attention to the child. In that case, you just shut up.

[Anonymous]

Why are you making age out to be a big deal? I mean this woman looked to be in her 30s with a toddler which does not seem particularly remarkable to me in any way.

[Anonymous]

If you say something, it's always best to come at it with some sort of empathy for the mom who is probably quite overwhelmed in a situation like that. The person upthread who said saying something like "I had one like that too" hit the nail on the head, or saying "My kids did the same so many times."

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks to all for weighing in. Based on the overwhelming response, I am clearly in the wrong here.

Lesson learned. I will not say another word about or for someone else's child's safety or protection.

Walk by and say nothing is my new motto.

Thanks for educating me. OP now out...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks to all for weighing in. Based on the overwhelming response, I am clearly in the wrong here.

Lesson learned. I will not say another word about or for someone else's child's safety or protection.

Walk by and say nothing is my new motto.

Thanks for educating me. OP now out...

You have a terse way of communicating. It’s not that what you did was wrong, it was the delivery. Try empathy rather than directives, and soften the judgement/reactiveness. Clearly you were well intended.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 53 and I don't want to be told how to parent by a stranger. I wouldn't have said anything to you.

But I also don't say anything to other people whose parenting I don't approve of.

Its not about parenting though, its so the kid doesn't fall hit his head and have a serious injury. Its about the child's welfare, it is odd that a parent wouldn't appreciate a heads up that their child may be in danger.

It won’t be a serious injury.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m 52 snd I would have told you to mind your own business.

I really don’t care if my kids fall and learn their lesson the natural way.

Falling that far is not going to be a big deal.

I think the people that agree with you are just very concerned about the public believing they are “good parents” based on their ability to “control” their kids.

I would have said to my child if you don’t stop you will hurt yourself but I would not force him to stop.

Once my child was pulling something and I told him it’s gonna fall and it fell on him, I said okay you need to fix it then he (at 4) had to sit there and fix what he had done. A mom came over as he put the things that fell away without my help she said, does he need help? No, he created this he will fix it. A man stepped up and said some kids need to learn from doing not telling you are doing a good job.

Women are so quick to believe their way is the right way.

So long story short MYOB.

Any person (man or woman) who thinks it is OK to let children do something obviously dangerous because they will learn from it, is just plain wrong. Picking up items from the floor is not the same as immediate physical danger.

I guess seeing children run into the street, flail about in water, ride without carseat, or stand idly by while a stranger throws them screaming into a car are all learning lessons? Just MYOB?

If you don't think a toddler falling out of a grocery cart head first isn't serious, perhaps you have taken such a fall yourself and hit your head. Thus your illogical reply. If you truly believe what you just wrote then I suggest a visit to your physician. At 52 it just might be possible you could have some sort of cognizant disorder brewing.

I hope you don't have grandchildren who are left alone in your care.

It’s actually not serious and the fact that you compare it to being hit by a car shoes you are an alarmist drama queen.

My H is a child abuse investigator and my mom an emergency room doctor and they know when there is a bad injury and the parent says it’s from a fall like that... it’s a lie.

Kids fall it’s not a big deal, relax. Maybe you need to visit a doctor for your extreme anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m 52 snd I would have told you to mind your own business.

I really don’t care if my kids fall and learn their lesson the natural way.

Falling that far is not going to be a big deal.

I think the people that agree with you are just very concerned about the public believing they are “good parents” based on their ability to “control” their kids.

I would have said to my child if you don’t stop you will hurt yourself but I would not force him to stop.

Once my child was pulling something and I told him it’s gonna fall and it fell on him, I said okay you need to fix it then he (at 4) had to sit there and fix what he had done. A mom came over as he put the things that fell away without my help she said, does he need help? No, he created this he will fix it. A man stepped up and said some kids need to learn from doing not telling you are doing a good job.

Women are so quick to believe their way is the right way.

So long story short MYOB.

You kind of sound like a monster parent.

Maybe we should start a collection for your kid’s therapy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m 52 snd I would have told you to mind your own business.

I really don’t care if my kids fall and learn their lesson the natural way.

Falling that far is not going to be a big deal.

I think the people that agree with you are just very concerned about the public believing they are “good parents” based on their ability to “control” their kids.

I would have said to my child if you don’t stop you will hurt yourself but I would not force him to stop.

Once my child was pulling something and I told him it’s gonna fall and it fell on him, I said okay you need to fix it then he (at 4) had to sit there and fix what he had done. A mom came over as he put the things that fell away without my help she said, does he need help? No, he created this he will fix it. A man stepped up and said some kids need to learn from doing not telling you are doing a good job.

Women are so quick to believe their way is the right way.

So long story short MYOB.

You kind of sound like a monster parent.

Maybe we should start a collection for your kid’s therapy?

They are grown at/graduated from top colleges and highly successful with amazing girlfriend/spouse.

Also stop trying to shame people who go to therapy, like it’s a dig. You sound like a monster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:34 yo here- I would have said to the boy "you better sit down or you're going to fall." I don't mind people speaking up to my kids. Some women go too far though with preaching to you though. A woman got in a nasty debate on my facebook moms group recently about prenatal vitamins. She says moms who took gummy don't care enough about their babies. Other moms screamed back that they had hyperemesis or whatever. Or debates over a lovey in the crib at 9 months.

I actually witnessed a heartbreaking scene a few weeks ago. A car seat was on top of a shopping cart and the car seat fell and landed face down. The baby was strapped in thankfully. But it was an infant <1 month old and was screaming so much his face was blue. The mom just plopped him back on the cart. We tried to help (my shopping companion was an OB), but there was a language barrier too. We could tell the mom cared about the baby though. I had wanted to say something and didn't before the baby fell. I've been thinking a lot about it and why I didn't speak up. I feel like I didn't want to be patronizing (she was poor, very young and an immigrant) so I didn't speak up, when I normally do. The baby clearly could have died.

Last year, I watched a toddler stand up on the seat and cause the cart to flip over on him. It happened in seconds and another witness and I ran over as the mom stood frozen in horror. The boy was so frightened that it took a bit for him to start screaming. He had a gash on his forehead that was pouring blood. I pulled out my phone and called 911. At that, the mom freaked and grabbed the child away from us. She ran out of the store. I want to believe she took him to the ER herself, but I think she might have been afraid of the authorities.

These types of injuries are very common.

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/24351504/

I am a safety researcher...who has to bite my tongue often throughout the day, seeing the risks that uninformed parents take. I speak up SOMETIMES (not often). It is always a crapshoot about whether they will appreciate it or get defensive/angry. I only step in if I fear that the kid is in serious/imminent danger.

People take umbrage when they perceive you as saying they aren't good parents (or that you care about their child more than they do)

"The annual concussion/closed head injury rate per 10 000 children increased significantly (P < .001) by 213.3% from 0.64 in 1990 to 2.02 in 2011."

Thank you for posting this factual information. I find it relevant the increase of head injuries from 1990 to 2011. Perhaps there is correlation to the increase of mothers who seem to indeed get angry and defensive at others' warnings. Results? Could it partially be because, like you, people no longer speak up due to hostile maternal reactions. Yet the children are increasingly getting hurt. Now THAT would be worth a study.

"The annual concussion/closed head injury rate per 10 000 children increased significantly (P < .001) by 213.3% from 0.64 in 1990 to 2.02 in 2011."

I would be willing to bet $1000 that it’s because parents take their kids in to urgent care/hospitals more than they used to and because the diagnosis of concussion is fairly subjective. Not because moms are blowing off the advice of strangers.