Fostering as a single parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People do it but its very hard if you have a "great" career in less you hire a nanny especially with three kids. The kids will probably have weekly family visits, lots of medical/dental appointments at first and can have weekly (or more) mental health, speech and ot therapies. Can you handle doing all that driving with 4-5 kids and a full-time job? You are probably better off waiting until your kids are in college and you have the time as its a very different need/parenting. Its a wonderful thing to do but it doesn't sound realistic as its not as simple as just having one more child in your house as these kid may have a lot of needs.

Thanks that is a good point. I have a nanny but would switch to a live in au pair if I fostered.

Is an au pair going to be qualified to handle a foster kid with emotional disregulation, emotional problems, etc? Your au pair from another country is going to be cool with an 8 yr old raging, screaming, breaking glass, running away, physically attacking her/him and the older siblings? That's a HELL of a lot to dump on an au pair. If I owned an au pair company and you did that through my company, I'd blacklist you. Not saying this to be cruel, but so you can be realistic.

It does sound a little cruel. I am not planning to "dump" children on anyone, thank you. I work about 30 hours a week and make a high 6 figure income. Because my kids are home all the time w COVID I was thinking an au pair would be a good solution here with my kids while I was doing such appointments and whatnot. I work from home so am always here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lots of single foster parents. Some are retired or otherwise don't work (get public assistance). I think you would get approved. The question is just whether you have enough flexibility with your job: can you go to IEP meetings? Pick a kid up from school? Go to therapy? Court? Caseworker meetings? Family visits? Assume the kid will need a lot of your time during 9-5.

Also make sure your kids are on board with this. If they get really attached to the foster child it may be hard for them to see the kid visit with or reunite with family. And if the kid has behaviors that disrupt your family, that's hard too.

I'd suggest serving as a respite caregiver or approved babysitter for foster families first, to see what it's like. Get to know foster families in your area. You'll want the support and it will help you decide if you want this. It's really important to have good foster families and I'm glad you want to do this, but you will also be inviting a lot of chaos into your lives from the kids, their families, and (sometimes most of all) the system itself.

--former foster parent (not single though). Now I volunteer with DC127 to help kids avoid going into foster care.

Thank you so much for that, thats a great idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People do it but its very hard if you have a "great" career in less you hire a nanny especially with three kids. The kids will probably have weekly family visits, lots of medical/dental appointments at first and can have weekly (or more) mental health, speech and ot therapies. Can you handle doing all that driving with 4-5 kids and a full-time job? You are probably better off waiting until your kids are in college and you have the time as its a very different need/parenting. Its a wonderful thing to do but it doesn't sound realistic as its not as simple as just having one more child in your house as these kid may have a lot of needs.

Thanks that is a good point. I have a nanny but would switch to a live in au pair if I fostered.

Is an au pair going to be qualified to handle a foster kid with emotional disregulation, emotional problems, etc? Your au pair from another country is going to be cool with an 8 yr old raging, screaming, breaking glass, running away, physically attacking her/him and the older siblings? That's a HELL of a lot to dump on an au pair. If I owned an au pair company and you did that through my company, I'd blacklist you. Not saying this to be cruel, but so you can be realistic.

It does sound a little cruel. I am not planning to "dump" children on anyone, thank you. I work about 30 hours a week and make a high 6 figure income. Because my kids are home all the time w COVID I was thinking an au pair would be a good solution here with my kids while I was doing such appointments and whatnot. I work from home so am always here.

The au pair would need to be background checked. I think you'd constantly be on a hamster wheel of making sure your next au pair is background checked in time. Also I have a hard time seeing this work if the au pair doesn't speak good English or good Spanish, so you'd be limited in your choice of au pairs. I'm not sure it would be allowed, especially if the au pair is younger. Caring for a survivor of abuse or neglect or a child who has otherwise experienced trauma, and may have developmental or medical concerns (diagnosed or undiagnosed) in addition to four teenagers is a lot to place on a relatively inexperienced person with very little training. Even if you're allowed to do it, I have a hard time seeing it go well, and if it doesn't go well that's really not fair to anyone involved here.

[Anonymous]

This is something I've considered as well, as a single parent who also has some specialized experience with kids who have experienced trauma.

Here is what is holding me back - talking to adults whose parents did this when they were kids. It might be different because you are thinking of infants, but people I know whose parents have taken in older kids and teens often really struggled with sharing their parents' attention, and they maybe didn't have the "life experience" to deal with the foster kids' backgrounds.

I don't know - I don't want to warn you off because what you are doing is needed, but also just think very hard about the impact on your bio kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People do it but its very hard if you have a "great" career in less you hire a nanny especially with three kids. The kids will probably have weekly family visits, lots of medical/dental appointments at first and can have weekly (or more) mental health, speech and ot therapies. Can you handle doing all that driving with 4-5 kids and a full-time job? You are probably better off waiting until your kids are in college and you have the time as its a very different need/parenting. Its a wonderful thing to do but it doesn't sound realistic as its not as simple as just having one more child in your house as these kid may have a lot of needs.

Thanks that is a good point. I have a nanny but would switch to a live in au pair if I fostered.

Is an au pair going to be qualified to handle a foster kid with emotional disregulation, emotional problems, etc? Your au pair from another country is going to be cool with an 8 yr old raging, screaming, breaking glass, running away, physically attacking her/him and the older siblings? That's a HELL of a lot to dump on an au pair. If I owned an au pair company and you did that through my company, I'd blacklist you. Not saying this to be cruel, but so you can be realistic.

It does sound a little cruel. I am not planning to "dump" children on anyone, thank you. I work about 30 hours a week and make a high 6 figure income. Because my kids are home all the time w COVID I was thinking an au pair would be a good solution here with my kids while I was doing such appointments and whatnot. I work from home so am always here.

The au pair would need to be background checked. I think you'd constantly be on a hamster wheel of making sure your next au pair is background checked in time. Also I have a hard time seeing this work if the au pair doesn't speak good English or good Spanish, so you'd be limited in your choice of au pairs. I'm not sure it would be allowed, especially if the au pair is younger. Caring for a survivor of abuse or neglect or a child who has otherwise experienced trauma, and may have developmental or medical concerns (diagnosed or undiagnosed) in addition to four teenagers is a lot to place on a relatively inexperienced person with very little training. Even if you're allowed to do it, I have a hard time seeing it go well, and if it doesn't go well that's really not fair to anyone involved here.

There are no international placements that do NOT do background checks, at least amongst the agencies I have spoken to. I have no reason to believe I would hire an au pair who does not speak English. Not sure what you mean about four teenagers? I have three healthy, easy kids 13-10, who are at their dads 35% of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is something I've considered as well, as a single parent who also has some specialized experience with kids who have experienced trauma.

Here is what is holding me back - talking to adults whose parents did this when they were kids. It might be different because you are thinking of infants, but people I know whose parents have taken in older kids and teens often really struggled with sharing their parents' attention, and they maybe didn't have the "life experience" to deal with the foster kids' backgrounds.

I don't know - I don't want to warn you off because what you are doing is needed, but also just think very hard about the impact on your bio kids.

I really appreciate that. The stories of adult children whose families fostered will be my next google search. Thank you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People do it but its very hard if you have a "great" career in less you hire a nanny especially with three kids. The kids will probably have weekly family visits, lots of medical/dental appointments at first and can have weekly (or more) mental health, speech and ot therapies. Can you handle doing all that driving with 4-5 kids and a full-time job? You are probably better off waiting until your kids are in college and you have the time as its a very different need/parenting. Its a wonderful thing to do but it doesn't sound realistic as its not as simple as just having one more child in your house as these kid may have a lot of needs.

Thanks that is a good point. I have a nanny but would switch to a live in au pair if I fostered.

Is an au pair going to be qualified to handle a foster kid with emotional disregulation, emotional problems, etc? Your au pair from another country is going to be cool with an 8 yr old raging, screaming, breaking glass, running away, physically attacking her/him and the older siblings? That's a HELL of a lot to dump on an au pair. If I owned an au pair company and you did that through my company, I'd blacklist you. Not saying this to be cruel, but so you can be realistic.

It does sound a little cruel. I am not planning to "dump" children on anyone, thank you. I work about 30 hours a week and make a high 6 figure income. Because my kids are home all the time w COVID I was thinking an au pair would be a good solution here with my kids while I was doing such appointments and whatnot. I work from home so am always here.

Please read the comments. Please DO become a foster parent but just wait till your kids are in college. Your kids still need a lot of attention and with three kids, they are competing between each other for your attention and then you add in a high needs child. You can get lucky with an infant, but infants are pretty rare. More than likely it will be a 2-10 year old and like others said, they grew up in very different environments with very different needs. If you had one child, it could be much easier but if you take the foster child all the time to the appointments, how will that impact your kids if they are left to an Au Pair all the time. Even if the Au Pair cares for your kids and you take care of the foster child, the Au Pair will have to be screened as well as any babysitters.

I don't want to discourage you at all from doing it, but wait till your kids are older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People do it but its very hard if you have a "great" career in less you hire a nanny especially with three kids. The kids will probably have weekly family visits, lots of medical/dental appointments at first and can have weekly (or more) mental health, speech and ot therapies. Can you handle doing all that driving with 4-5 kids and a full-time job? You are probably better off waiting until your kids are in college and you have the time as its a very different need/parenting. Its a wonderful thing to do but it doesn't sound realistic as its not as simple as just having one more child in your house as these kid may have a lot of needs.

Thanks that is a good point. I have a nanny but would switch to a live in au pair if I fostered.

Is an au pair going to be qualified to handle a foster kid with emotional disregulation, emotional problems, etc? Your au pair from another country is going to be cool with an 8 yr old raging, screaming, breaking glass, running away, physically attacking her/him and the older siblings? That's a HELL of a lot to dump on an au pair. If I owned an au pair company and you did that through my company, I'd blacklist you. Not saying this to be cruel, but so you can be realistic.

It does sound a little cruel. I am not planning to "dump" children on anyone, thank you. I work about 30 hours a week and make a high 6 figure income. Because my kids are home all the time w COVID I was thinking an au pair would be a good solution here with my kids while I was doing such appointments and whatnot. I work from home so am always here.

The au pair would need to be background checked. I think you'd constantly be on a hamster wheel of making sure your next au pair is background checked in time. Also I have a hard time seeing this work if the au pair doesn't speak good English or good Spanish, so you'd be limited in your choice of au pairs. I'm not sure it would be allowed, especially if the au pair is younger. Caring for a survivor of abuse or neglect or a child who has otherwise experienced trauma, and may have developmental or medical concerns (diagnosed or undiagnosed) in addition to four teenagers is a lot to place on a relatively inexperienced person with very little training. Even if you're allowed to do it, I have a hard time seeing it go well, and if it doesn't go well that's really not fair to anyone involved here.

There are no international placements that do NOT do background checks, at least amongst the agencies I have spoken to. I have no reason to believe I would hire an au pair who does not speak English. Not sure what you mean about four teenagers? I have three healthy, easy kids 13-10, who are at their dads 35% of the time.

Anyone living in your home has to go through a child welfare background check and any adult in the home has to complete a home study if they are caring for the kids depending on the agency take the classes. They will not just take the Au Pair agency background checks.

If someone is saying 4 teenagers, more than likely your placements will be ages 3-18 vs. infants so you can end up with 4-5 preteens or teens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People do it but its very hard if you have a "great" career in less you hire a nanny especially with three kids. The kids will probably have weekly family visits, lots of medical/dental appointments at first and can have weekly (or more) mental health, speech and ot therapies. Can you handle doing all that driving with 4-5 kids and a full-time job? You are probably better off waiting until your kids are in college and you have the time as its a very different need/parenting. Its a wonderful thing to do but it doesn't sound realistic as its not as simple as just having one more child in your house as these kid may have a lot of needs.

Thanks that is a good point. I have a nanny but would switch to a live in au pair if I fostered.

Is an au pair going to be qualified to handle a foster kid with emotional disregulation, emotional problems, etc? Your au pair from another country is going to be cool with an 8 yr old raging, screaming, breaking glass, running away, physically attacking her/him and the older siblings? That's a HELL of a lot to dump on an au pair. If I owned an au pair company and you did that through my company, I'd blacklist you. Not saying this to be cruel, but so you can be realistic.

It does sound a little cruel. I am not planning to "dump" children on anyone, thank you. I work about 30 hours a week and make a high 6 figure income. Because my kids are home all the time w COVID I was thinking an au pair would be a good solution here with my kids while I was doing such appointments and whatnot. I work from home so am always here.

Please read the comments. Please DO become a foster parent but just wait till your kids are in college. Your kids still need a lot of attention and with three kids, they are competing between each other for your attention and then you add in a high needs child. You can get lucky with an infant, but infants are pretty rare. More than likely it will be a 2-10 year old and like others said, they grew up in very different environments with very different needs. If you had one child, it could be much easier but if you take the foster child all the time to the appointments, how will that impact your kids if they are left to an Au Pair all the time. Even if the Au Pair cares for your kids and you take care of the foster child, the Au Pair will have to be screened as well as any babysitters.

I don't want to discourage you at all from doing it, but wait till your kids are older.

I appreciate that. I know I wont want to do it once my kids have left home, so perhaps its not for me. Its quite obvious why foster families are so in need, I guess only the childless or SAHM families should do it. Bummer.

[Anonymous]

This is something I've considered as well, as a single parent who also has some specialized experience with kids who have experienced trauma.

Here is what is holding me back - talking to adults whose parents did this when they were kids. It might be different because you are thinking of infants, but people I know whose parents have taken in older kids and teens often really struggled with sharing their parents' attention, and they maybe didn't have the "life experience" to deal with the foster kids' backgrounds.

I don't know - I don't want to warn you off because what you are doing is needed, but also just think very hard about the impact on your bio kids.

This. A 1000x this. Along with the comments about an au pair being completely unequipped to deal with the traumas that a foster child will have experienced. We adopted older children---one with significant needs. Knowing what I know now I would never recommend doing it with bio-kids at home. It just isn't fair to them. Nor is it fair to take in a foster placement whose significant behavioral needs cause so much upheaval in your family that you wind up unwinding the placement, which just adds more trauma and rejection onto the plate of the foster child.

Best suggestion above is to provide respite care for foster parents. That will give you (and your kids) a really good idea of what you would be taking on. Given the financial resources that you have, you have the budget to provide at-risk kids with just some "fun" that resource-constrained foster homes may not be able to provide, e.g. trips to the movie theater with full-on concessions (whenever we get to do that again) or to the beach, or an amusement park, or a river-rafting adventure---or even just the opportunity to be held and read to quietly in a calm environment or do a cookie-baking day where they are the center of attention and helping---while not completely unwinding your day to day family dynamic and over-burdening your teens. Then, if you feel like doing longer term foster care, you could investigate doing it after your bio-kids have gone to college. Another option---which I don't know whether is even available---is to to offer to be the "responsible respite" foster parent who helps an athletically talented kid in foster care participate in a travel sport---where you are paying for the team costs and committing to getting the kid to his/her games. There are lots of ways to support kids in foster care. Knowing from the experience of my own children---when a child is adrift in the system of state care, having just one adult demonstrate constant, if even relatively infrequent, nurturing---can go a long way towards helping them manage a traumatic situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

This is something I've considered as well, as a single parent who also has some specialized experience with kids who have experienced trauma.

Here is what is holding me back - talking to adults whose parents did this when they were kids. It might be different because you are thinking of infants, but people I know whose parents have taken in older kids and teens often really struggled with sharing their parents' attention, and they maybe didn't have the "life experience" to deal with the foster kids' backgrounds.

I don't know - I don't want to warn you off because what you are doing is needed, but also just think very hard about the impact on your bio kids.

This. A 1000x this. Along with the comments about an au pair being completely unequipped to deal with the traumas that a foster child will have experienced. We adopted older children---one with significant needs. Knowing what I know now I would never recommend doing it with bio-kids at home. It just isn't fair to them. Nor is it fair to take in a foster placement whose significant behavioral needs cause so much upheaval in your family that you wind up unwinding the placement, which just adds more trauma and rejection onto the plate of the foster child.

Best suggestion above is to provide respite care for foster parents. That will give you (and your kids) a really good idea of what you would be taking on. Given the financial resources that you have, you have the budget to provide at-risk kids with just some "fun" that resource-constrained foster homes may not be able to provide, e.g. trips to the movie theater with full-on concessions (whenever we get to do that again) or to the beach, or an amusement park, or a river-rafting adventure---or even just the opportunity to be held and read to quietly in a calm environment or do a cookie-baking day where they are the center of attention and helping---while not completely unwinding your day to day family dynamic and over-burdening your teens. Then, if you feel like doing longer term foster care, you could investigate doing it after your bio-kids have gone to college. Another option---which I don't know whether is even available---is to to offer to be the "responsible respite" foster parent who helps an athletically talented kid in foster care participate in a travel sport---where you are paying for the team costs and committing to getting the kid to his/her games. There are lots of ways to support kids in foster care. Knowing from the experience of my own children---when a child is adrift in the system of state care, having just one adult demonstrate constant, if even relatively infrequent, nurturing---can go a long way towards helping them manage a traumatic situation.

This is a great suggestion, thank you. I had never thought of such a thing! I will look into this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People do it but its very hard if you have a "great" career in less you hire a nanny especially with three kids. The kids will probably have weekly family visits, lots of medical/dental appointments at first and can have weekly (or more) mental health, speech and ot therapies. Can you handle doing all that driving with 4-5 kids and a full-time job? You are probably better off waiting until your kids are in college and you have the time as its a very different need/parenting. Its a wonderful thing to do but it doesn't sound realistic as its not as simple as just having one more child in your house as these kid may have a lot of needs.

Thanks that is a good point. I have a nanny but would switch to a live in au pair if I fostered.

Is an au pair going to be qualified to handle a foster kid with emotional disregulation, emotional problems, etc? Your au pair from another country is going to be cool with an 8 yr old raging, screaming, breaking glass, running away, physically attacking her/him and the older siblings? That's a HELL of a lot to dump on an au pair. If I owned an au pair company and you did that through my company, I'd blacklist you. Not saying this to be cruel, but so you can be realistic.

It does sound a little cruel. I am not planning to "dump" children on anyone, thank you. I work about 30 hours a week and make a high 6 figure income. Because my kids are home all the time w COVID I was thinking an au pair would be a good solution here with my kids while I was doing such appointments and whatnot. I work from home so am always here.

Please read the comments. Please DO become a foster parent but just wait till your kids are in college. Your kids still need a lot of attention and with three kids, they are competing between each other for your attention and then you add in a high needs child. You can get lucky with an infant, but infants are pretty rare. More than likely it will be a 2-10 year old and like others said, they grew up in very different environments with very different needs. If you had one child, it could be much easier but if you take the foster child all the time to the appointments, how will that impact your kids if they are left to an Au Pair all the time. Even if the Au Pair cares for your kids and you take care of the foster child, the Au Pair will have to be screened as well as any babysitters.

I don't want to discourage you at all from doing it, but wait till your kids are older.

I appreciate that. I know I wont want to do it once my kids have left home, so perhaps its not for me. Its quite obvious why foster families are so in need, I guess only the childless or SAHM families should do it. Bummer.

Its a lot of retirees, SAH or two parents with flexibility or people who just want to do it but then the kids needs often don't get met and they do the absolute minimum for the kids (and it doesn't sound like you are that kind of person). Its a lot of work to foster and kids have many more needs than yours will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People do it but its very hard if you have a "great" career in less you hire a nanny especially with three kids. The kids will probably have weekly family visits, lots of medical/dental appointments at first and can have weekly (or more) mental health, speech and ot therapies. Can you handle doing all that driving with 4-5 kids and a full-time job? You are probably better off waiting until your kids are in college and you have the time as its a very different need/parenting. Its a wonderful thing to do but it doesn't sound realistic as its not as simple as just having one more child in your house as these kid may have a lot of needs.

Thanks that is a good point. I have a nanny but would switch to a live in au pair if I fostered.

Is an au pair going to be qualified to handle a foster kid with emotional disregulation, emotional problems, etc? Your au pair from another country is going to be cool with an 8 yr old raging, screaming, breaking glass, running away, physically attacking her/him and the older siblings? That's a HELL of a lot to dump on an au pair. If I owned an au pair company and you did that through my company, I'd blacklist you. Not saying this to be cruel, but so you can be realistic.

It does sound a little cruel. I am not planning to "dump" children on anyone, thank you. I work about 30 hours a week and make a high 6 figure income. Because my kids are home all the time w COVID I was thinking an au pair would be a good solution here with my kids while I was doing such appointments and whatnot. I work from home so am always here.

The au pair would need to be background checked. I think you'd constantly be on a hamster wheel of making sure your next au pair is background checked in time. Also I have a hard time seeing this work if the au pair doesn't speak good English or good Spanish, so you'd be limited in your choice of au pairs. I'm not sure it would be allowed, especially if the au pair is younger. Caring for a survivor of abuse or neglect or a child who has otherwise experienced trauma, and may have developmental or medical concerns (diagnosed or undiagnosed) in addition to four teenagers is a lot to place on a relatively inexperienced person with very little training. Even if you're allowed to do it, I have a hard time seeing it go well, and if it doesn't go well that's really not fair to anyone involved here.

There are no international placements that do NOT do background checks, at least amongst the agencies I have spoken to. I have no reason to believe I would hire an au pair who does not speak English. Not sure what you mean about four teenagers? I have three healthy, easy kids 13-10, who are at their dads 35% of the time.

This would likely be a separate and more in-depth background check. And you'd have to have the next one all lined up when the first one's term expires. So you have three (not four, sorry) tween kids who are healthy and easy *right now*. But they may get more difficult when they are teenagers. They are already children of divorce and if they are going to get even less parental attention from you, and be expected to make various compromises for the sake of fostering, they might become a lot less "easy".

Really think about how, post-COVID, the schedule of all the kids can be managed. You won't have a lot of control over the foster child's court dates, medical appointments, and visitation. How does that mesh with your older children's activities. Four children, even if they are the easiest children who ever lived, is a lot when you have to piece together all of the activities and obligations.


Be aware that you may need advance permission to go out of state or outside the DMV with your foster child, and how does that work with extended family visits, college visits and sports and camps and other things your older children will need?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People do it but its very hard if you have a "great" career in less you hire a nanny especially with three kids. The kids will probably have weekly family visits, lots of medical/dental appointments at first and can have weekly (or more) mental health, speech and ot therapies. Can you handle doing all that driving with 4-5 kids and a full-time job? You are probably better off waiting until your kids are in college and you have the time as its a very different need/parenting. Its a wonderful thing to do but it doesn't sound realistic as its not as simple as just having one more child in your house as these kid may have a lot of needs.

Thanks that is a good point. I have a nanny but would switch to a live in au pair if I fostered.

Is an au pair going to be qualified to handle a foster kid with emotional disregulation, emotional problems, etc? Your au pair from another country is going to be cool with an 8 yr old raging, screaming, breaking glass, running away, physically attacking her/him and the older siblings? That's a HELL of a lot to dump on an au pair. If I owned an au pair company and you did that through my company, I'd blacklist you. Not saying this to be cruel, but so you can be realistic.

It does sound a little cruel. I am not planning to "dump" children on anyone, thank you. I work about 30 hours a week and make a high 6 figure income. Because my kids are home all the time w COVID I was thinking an au pair would be a good solution here with my kids while I was doing such appointments and whatnot. I work from home so am always here.

Please read the comments. Please DO become a foster parent but just wait till your kids are in college. Your kids still need a lot of attention and with three kids, they are competing between each other for your attention and then you add in a high needs child. You can get lucky with an infant, but infants are pretty rare. More than likely it will be a 2-10 year old and like others said, they grew up in very different environments with very different needs. If you had one child, it could be much easier but if you take the foster child all the time to the appointments, how will that impact your kids if they are left to an Au Pair all the time. Even if the Au Pair cares for your kids and you take care of the foster child, the Au Pair will have to be screened as well as any babysitters.

I don't want to discourage you at all from doing it, but wait till your kids are older.

I appreciate that. I know I wont want to do it once my kids have left home, so perhaps its not for me. Its quite obvious why foster families are so in need, I guess only the childless or SAHM families should do it. Bummer.

Its a lot of retirees, SAH or two parents with flexibility or people who just want to do it but then the kids needs often don't get met and they do the absolute minimum for the kids (and it doesn't sound like you are that kind of person). Its a lot of work to foster and kids have many more needs than yours will.

Don't flounce. This isn't about your desire for a foster child, it's about what's in the best interest of the child! And the best interest of the child is to be in a family that can adequately care for that child, including fostering that child's siblings if they come into care. There's no requirement that you be retired or a SAHP. But you have a lot on your plate already with three kids, and the au pair plan seems like you're putting a lot of weight on a temporary and relatively inexperienced caregiver, especially one who can only work au pair hours. If you had a live-in or even just full-time nanny on a longer contract who had more experience, it would be different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People do it but its very hard if you have a "great" career in less you hire a nanny especially with three kids. The kids will probably have weekly family visits, lots of medical/dental appointments at first and can have weekly (or more) mental health, speech and ot therapies. Can you handle doing all that driving with 4-5 kids and a full-time job? You are probably better off waiting until your kids are in college and you have the time as its a very different need/parenting. Its a wonderful thing to do but it doesn't sound realistic as its not as simple as just having one more child in your house as these kid may have a lot of needs.

Thanks that is a good point. I have a nanny but would switch to a live in au pair if I fostered.

Is an au pair going to be qualified to handle a foster kid with emotional disregulation, emotional problems, etc? Your au pair from another country is going to be cool with an 8 yr old raging, screaming, breaking glass, running away, physically attacking her/him and the older siblings? That's a HELL of a lot to dump on an au pair. If I owned an au pair company and you did that through my company, I'd blacklist you. Not saying this to be cruel, but so you can be realistic.

It does sound a little cruel. I am not planning to "dump" children on anyone, thank you. I work about 30 hours a week and make a high 6 figure income. Because my kids are home all the time w COVID I was thinking an au pair would be a good solution here with my kids while I was doing such appointments and whatnot. I work from home so am always here.

Please read the comments. Please DO become a foster parent but just wait till your kids are in college. Your kids still need a lot of attention and with three kids, they are competing between each other for your attention and then you add in a high needs child. You can get lucky with an infant, but infants are pretty rare. More than likely it will be a 2-10 year old and like others said, they grew up in very different environments with very different needs. If you had one child, it could be much easier but if you take the foster child all the time to the appointments, how will that impact your kids if they are left to an Au Pair all the time. Even if the Au Pair cares for your kids and you take care of the foster child, the Au Pair will have to be screened as well as any babysitters.

I don't want to discourage you at all from doing it, but wait till your kids are older.

I appreciate that. I know I wont want to do it once my kids have left home, so perhaps its not for me. Its quite obvious why foster families are so in need, I guess only the childless or SAHM families should do it. Bummer.

Its a lot of retirees, SAH or two parents with flexibility or people who just want to do it but then the kids needs often don't get met and they do the absolute minimum for the kids (and it doesn't sound like you are that kind of person). Its a lot of work to foster and kids have many more needs than yours will.

Don't flounce. This isn't about your desire for a foster child, it's about what's in the best interest of the child! And the best interest of the child is to be in a family that can adequately care for that child, including fostering that child's siblings if they come into care. There's no requirement that you be retired or a SAHP. But you have a lot on your plate already with three kids, and the au pair plan seems like you're putting a lot of weight on a temporary and relatively inexperienced caregiver, especially one who can only work au pair hours. If you had a live-in or even just full-time nanny on a longer contract who had more experience, it would be different.

If she's the primary caretaker for the foster child as she said, it could work but her kids still need her and might be jealous. 4 kids, 1 with high needs is a lot for one person. They wouldn't get much 1-1 time.