Fostering as a single parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People do it but its very hard if you have a "great" career in less you hire a nanny especially with three kids. The kids will probably have weekly family visits, lots of medical/dental appointments at first and can have weekly (or more) mental health, speech and ot therapies. Can you handle doing all that driving with 4-5 kids and a full-time job? You are probably better off waiting until your kids are in college and you have the time as its a very different need/parenting. Its a wonderful thing to do but it doesn't sound realistic as its not as simple as just having one more child in your house as these kid may have a lot of needs.

Thanks that is a good point. I have a nanny but would switch to a live in au pair if I fostered.

Is an au pair going to be qualified to handle a foster kid with emotional disregulation, emotional problems, etc? Your au pair from another country is going to be cool with an 8 yr old raging, screaming, breaking glass, running away, physically attacking her/him and the older siblings? That's a HELL of a lot to dump on an au pair. If I owned an au pair company and you did that through my company, I'd blacklist you. Not saying this to be cruel, but so you can be realistic.

It does sound a little cruel. I am not planning to "dump" children on anyone, thank you. I work about 30 hours a week and make a high 6 figure income. Because my kids are home all the time w COVID I was thinking an au pair would be a good solution here with my kids while I was doing such appointments and whatnot. I work from home so am always here.

The au pair would need to be background checked. I think you'd constantly be on a hamster wheel of making sure your next au pair is background checked in time. Also I have a hard time seeing this work if the au pair doesn't speak good English or good Spanish, so you'd be limited in your choice of au pairs. I'm not sure it would be allowed, especially if the au pair is younger. Caring for a survivor of abuse or neglect or a child who has otherwise experienced trauma, and may have developmental or medical concerns (diagnosed or undiagnosed) in addition to four teenagers is a lot to place on a relatively inexperienced person with very little training. Even if you're allowed to do it, I have a hard time seeing it go well, and if it doesn't go well that's really not fair to anyone involved here.

There are no international placements that do NOT do background checks, at least amongst the agencies I have spoken to. I have no reason to believe I would hire an au pair who does not speak English. Not sure what you mean about four teenagers? I have three healthy, easy kids 13-10, who are at their dads 35% of the time.

This would likely be a separate and more in-depth background check. And you'd have to have the next one all lined up when the first one's term expires. So you have three (not four, sorry) tween kids who are healthy and easy *right now*. But they may get more difficult when they are teenagers. They are already children of divorce and if they are going to get even less parental attention from you, and be expected to make various compromises for the sake of fostering, they might become a lot less "easy".

Really think about how, post-COVID, the schedule of all the kids can be managed. You won't have a lot of control over the foster child's court dates, medical appointments, and visitation. How does that mesh with your older children's activities. Four children, even if they are the easiest children who ever lived, is a lot when you have to piece together all of the activities and obligations.


Be aware that you may need advance permission to go out of state or outside the DMV with your foster child, and how does that work with extended family visits, college visits and sports and camps and other things your older children will need?

If she does the medical appointments, she schedules them and has control. She can negotiate visitation if she's transporting depending on the family. Those things can be managed. Some kids will have multiple appointments a week, others none. Kids will also have things that the social workers don't know about or do not tell you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People do it but its very hard if you have a "great" career in less you hire a nanny especially with three kids. The kids will probably have weekly family visits, lots of medical/dental appointments at first and can have weekly (or more) mental health, speech and ot therapies. Can you handle doing all that driving with 4-5 kids and a full-time job? You are probably better off waiting until your kids are in college and you have the time as its a very different need/parenting. Its a wonderful thing to do but it doesn't sound realistic as its not as simple as just having one more child in your house as these kid may have a lot of needs.

Thanks that is a good point. I have a nanny but would switch to a live in au pair if I fostered.

Is an au pair going to be qualified to handle a foster kid with emotional disregulation, emotional problems, etc? Your au pair from another country is going to be cool with an 8 yr old raging, screaming, breaking glass, running away, physically attacking her/him and the older siblings? That's a HELL of a lot to dump on an au pair. If I owned an au pair company and you did that through my company, I'd blacklist you. Not saying this to be cruel, but so you can be realistic.

It does sound a little cruel. I am not planning to "dump" children on anyone, thank you. I work about 30 hours a week and make a high 6 figure income. Because my kids are home all the time w COVID I was thinking an au pair would be a good solution here with my kids while I was doing such appointments and whatnot. I work from home so am always here.

The au pair would need to be background checked. I think you'd constantly be on a hamster wheel of making sure your next au pair is background checked in time. Also I have a hard time seeing this work if the au pair doesn't speak good English or good Spanish, so you'd be limited in your choice of au pairs. I'm not sure it would be allowed, especially if the au pair is younger. Caring for a survivor of abuse or neglect or a child who has otherwise experienced trauma, and may have developmental or medical concerns (diagnosed or undiagnosed) in addition to four teenagers is a lot to place on a relatively inexperienced person with very little training. Even if you're allowed to do it, I have a hard time seeing it go well, and if it doesn't go well that's really not fair to anyone involved here.

There are no international placements that do NOT do background checks, at least amongst the agencies I have spoken to. I have no reason to believe I would hire an au pair who does not speak English. Not sure what you mean about four teenagers? I have three healthy, easy kids 13-10, who are at their dads 35% of the time.

This would likely be a separate and more in-depth background check. And you'd have to have the next one all lined up when the first one's term expires. So you have three (not four, sorry) tween kids who are healthy and easy *right now*. But they may get more difficult when they are teenagers. They are already children of divorce and if they are going to get even less parental attention from you, and be expected to make various compromises for the sake of fostering, they might become a lot less "easy".

Really think about how, post-COVID, the schedule of all the kids can be managed. You won't have a lot of control over the foster child's court dates, medical appointments, and visitation. How does that mesh with your older children's activities. Four children, even if they are the easiest children who ever lived, is a lot when you have to piece together all of the activities and obligations.


Be aware that you may need advance permission to go out of state or outside the DMV with your foster child, and how does that work with extended family visits, college visits and sports and camps and other things your older children will need?

If she does the medical appointments, she schedules them and has control. She can negotiate visitation if she's transporting depending on the family. Those things can be managed. Some kids will have multiple appointments a week, others none. Kids will also have things that the social workers don't know about or do not tell you.

Medical can be difficult if you need to see a specialist, it's not like you just get your pick of appointments. Also there may be a lot of IEP meetings and other school-related stuff happening during the day. Visitation can be negotiated, but you still have to arrange your schedule so that the child is home (or at school/daycare) to be picked up and dropped off at the agreed-upon times. They're not going to come and pick up the kid from some really far distant place just because your other kid has travel soccer, for example. With a live-in nanny that's willing to work overtime, this could be doable. But I really question whether an au pair could make it work with their limited hours and obligation to be physically present at college classes. And I think you're setting yourself up for au pairs suddenly quitting because they can't handle the level of need.

If the OP is going to be very selective about what placements she accepts, she may not get many placements. Or her placements may be re-placed so that they can be with their siblings if OP won't accept siblings. And of course there is always a lot that is unknown, so it's good to make sure you have enough bandwidth and adult time and energy to handle a placement that turns out to be more challenging than expected.

[Anonymous]

OP, see if you can put a foster child on your health insurance. If you have to rely on docs that accept Medicaid your options may be very limited and that makes everything harder.

Foster children have the right to stay in their current school and that may be what is best for them. But it might be really inconvenient to your house so think about how you would handle that.

[Anonymous]

OP---go the respite route. You have no idea how many foster families, and families who have newly adopted older children, need that kind of resource.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People do it but its very hard if you have a "great" career in less you hire a nanny especially with three kids. The kids will probably have weekly family visits, lots of medical/dental appointments at first and can have weekly (or more) mental health, speech and ot therapies. Can you handle doing all that driving with 4-5 kids and a full-time job? You are probably better off waiting until your kids are in college and you have the time as its a very different need/parenting. Its a wonderful thing to do but it doesn't sound realistic as its not as simple as just having one more child in your house as these kid may have a lot of needs.

Thanks that is a good point. I have a nanny but would switch to a live in au pair if I fostered.

Is an au pair going to be qualified to handle a foster kid with emotional disregulation, emotional problems, etc? Your au pair from another country is going to be cool with an 8 yr old raging, screaming, breaking glass, running away, physically attacking her/him and the older siblings? That's a HELL of a lot to dump on an au pair. If I owned an au pair company and you did that through my company, I'd blacklist you. Not saying this to be cruel, but so you can be realistic.

It does sound a little cruel. I am not planning to "dump" children on anyone, thank you. I work about 30 hours a week and make a high 6 figure income. Because my kids are home all the time w COVID I was thinking an au pair would be a good solution here with my kids while I was doing such appointments and whatnot. I work from home so am always here.

The au pair would need to be background checked. I think you'd constantly be on a hamster wheel of making sure your next au pair is background checked in time. Also I have a hard time seeing this work if the au pair doesn't speak good English or good Spanish, so you'd be limited in your choice of au pairs. I'm not sure it would be allowed, especially if the au pair is younger. Caring for a survivor of abuse or neglect or a child who has otherwise experienced trauma, and may have developmental or medical concerns (diagnosed or undiagnosed) in addition to four teenagers is a lot to place on a relatively inexperienced person with very little training. Even if you're allowed to do it, I have a hard time seeing it go well, and if it doesn't go well that's really not fair to anyone involved here.

There are no international placements that do NOT do background checks, at least amongst the agencies I have spoken to. I have no reason to believe I would hire an au pair who does not speak English. Not sure what you mean about four teenagers? I have three healthy, easy kids 13-10, who are at their dads 35% of the time.

This would likely be a separate and more in-depth background check. And you'd have to have the next one all lined up when the first one's term expires. So you have three (not four, sorry) tween kids who are healthy and easy *right now*. But they may get more difficult when they are teenagers. They are already children of divorce and if they are going to get even less parental attention from you, and be expected to make various compromises for the sake of fostering, they might become a lot less "easy".

Really think about how, post-COVID, the schedule of all the kids can be managed. You won't have a lot of control over the foster child's court dates, medical appointments, and visitation. How does that mesh with your older children's activities. Four children, even if they are the easiest children who ever lived, is a lot when you have to piece together all of the activities and obligations.


Be aware that you may need advance permission to go out of state or outside the DMV with your foster child, and how does that work with extended family visits, college visits and sports and camps and other things your older children will need?

If she does the medical appointments, she schedules them and has control. She can negotiate visitation if she's transporting depending on the family. Those things can be managed. Some kids will have multiple appointments a week, others none. Kids will also have things that the social workers don't know about or do not tell you.

Medical can be difficult if you need to see a specialist, it's not like you just get your pick of appointments. Also there may be a lot of IEP meetings and other school-related stuff happening during the day. Visitation can be negotiated, but you still have to arrange your schedule so that the child is home (or at school/daycare) to be picked up and dropped off at the agreed-upon times. They're not going to come and pick up the kid from some really far distant place just because your other kid has travel soccer, for example. With a live-in nanny that's willing to work overtime, this could be doable. But I really question whether an au pair could make it work with their limited hours and obligation to be physically present at college classes. And I think you're setting yourself up for au pairs suddenly quitting because they can't handle the level of need.

If the OP is going to be very selective about what placements she accepts, she may not get many placements. Or her placements may be re-placed so that they can be with their siblings if OP won't accept siblings. And of course there is always a lot that is unknown, so it's good to make sure you have enough bandwidth and adult time and energy to handle a placement that turns out to be more challenging than expected.

Read OP posts. Not all kids have speciality appointments and most aren't regular. She still schedules them. If she supervises the visitation or its unsupervised, there is a lot of flexibility with that. Its not impossible, but its hard with 4 kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP---go the respite route. You have no idea how many foster families, and families who have newly adopted older children, need that kind of resource.

Kids who are adopted don't get respite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, see if you can put a foster child on your health insurance. If you have to rely on docs that accept Medicaid your options may be very limited and that makes everything harder.

Foster children have the right to stay in their current school and that may be what is best for them. But it might be really inconvenient to your house so think about how you would handle that.

You can but your social worker or child's attorney needs to get a court order to put them on in most situations. Its not hard to do but extra work for the social worker so they may or may not agree.

[Anonymous]

Kids who are adopted at an older age and who have struggles may need families who can provide temporary respites to help struggling parents get a break. Not through official programs but some agencies will try to get a family some relief before a disruption occurs. But you are correct— most formal respite is through the foster care system. My larger point was that families who are caring for traumatized kids —either temporarily or permanently —need help in many ways.

[Anonymous]

Speaking with professional social workers in person is a far better way to guide you through the process than strangers on the internet. Go ahead and get started!


--Single mom of my daughter, now 9, adopted from foster care when she was 4. I make nowhere near the OP's salary (I am a nurse) and it is very doable

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Speaking with professional social workers in person is a far better way to guide you through the process than strangers on the internet. Go ahead and get started!


--Single mom of my daughter, now 9, adopted from foster care when she was 4. I make nowhere near the OP's salary (I am a nurse) and it is very doable

Congrats!! Yes, this wasn’t intended to be an a legal or emotional resource- just a way of hearing others experience and getting first hand experience as as I begin to explore this. I appreciate the realistic look at the challenges and the empathetic points in the right direction- you’ve given me great ideas of ways I could still help/make a difference while protecting my bio kids first. Thanks all!!!

[Anonymous]

I am a single mom who was a foster parent. I will say the one thing that I wasn't ready for was how much the child would have to do (appointments) and how my schedule did not matter. The therapists would tell me what time is best for them and I was expected to take off work. I had two sisters at first. They each had therapy twice a week, saw a psychiatrist once a month, they had tutoring twice a week, they had one visit with mom a week, one visit with dad a week, one sibling visit (older brother) every two weeks, and a visit with a case worker once a month. Not one time did anyone ask my schedule. They would tell me when the appointment was and I was expected to get them there. I stopped fostering because my own children were suffering. My kids had to stop all after school activities because all of my time was focused on getting the foster kids to wherever they needed to go. Also, I did not have a job where I was able to take off work every single week to get them to a therapy appointment. (Plus I felt that it was setting the kids up to fail pulling them out of school early every Tuesday, but that is another story). When I stopped fostering they were suddenly willing to work with my schedule, but I didn't want to keep going.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP---go the respite route. You have no idea how many foster families, and families who have newly adopted older children, need that kind of resource.

Kids who are adopted don't get respite.

I've been a respite worker for adopted kids.

[Anonymous]

In Maryland, Kaiser is the medical provider for Medicaid recipients. Your child will have the option to go to Kaiser. You may find other docs if you search, but you will be guaranteed Kaiser.

[Anonymous]

https://lssnca.org/programs/family-children-services/foster_parent_interest_form.html

This program is for long term foster parents for refugee children and offers a lot more support than domestic foster care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In Maryland, Kaiser is the medical provider for Medicaid recipients. Your child will have the option to go to Kaiser. You may find other docs if you search, but you will be guaranteed Kaiser.

You have a choice of medicaid providers and its often hard to find a provider who takes medicaid. Ideally, kids stay with their same doctor.