14 year old girl won't let parents see phone.
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Anonymous
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Family rule: anybody can see any phone at anytime they want... if you need to hide who you really are you have a problem.
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Anonymous
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No 14 year old should be in a position where they feel they can or can't "let" their parents see their phone.
They get a phone, they should understand that while they have a reasonable expectation of privacy, parents can and will check in to monitor things. You can decide to do this every Friday + one additional day of your choosing, or whatever, but "No you can't see my phone" is not an option. You need to fix this. |
Anonymous
What is the reason she gives you for not telling you who she is in contact with? I agree with PPs that until she is an adult, she has to expect to share her phone with you. And maybe you can reassure her that you're not interested in reading every communication of hers, and also reassure her that you expect she may have said some harsh things about you and you aren't looking into anything along those lines. |
Anonymous
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Is there a reason to see her phone, or are you just trying to make a control move?
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Anonymous
+1 This is not like when we grew up and kids had their privacy. We didn't have social media and the internet to do stuff that can be either or both illegal or harmful to our kids. She deserves privacy, yes, but that doesn't mean she can do things that are illegal or harmful to her. |
Anonymous
No. If she does, the phone would be mine indefinitely. Period. |
Anonymous
PP here. I'll add. I don't ask for it all the time. I do spot check sometimes, but that will be less as she gets older and continues to show that she is exercising good judgment. |
Anonymous
This is not an appropriate rule. |
Anonymous
My young teen and I have an agreement that while I'll spot-check her texts (no social media yet, no apps can be installed without my approval, private browsing disabled on phone), unless I run across something dangerous or seriously concerning, I'll pretend I never saw anything. So I don't say anything about cursing, or if she vents about family stuff (although I did caution her that a relative's mental health issues were up to them to share, not us—not shameful, but not her story to tell). I do sometimes mentally file stuff away to help me be more sensitive to what she's dealing with, but I don't say anything. But I did warn her that some of the stuff her friends were chatting about in the group texts were borderline inappropriate, and she should probably let them know her parents dropped in on the thread occasionally. I know at least one friend dropped out because her parents monitored and she was afraid they might get mad about some of the memes and videos being shared, so I know we're not the only parents who do this. I noticed that my DD never participates in or reacts to any of that, so she's either censoring herself because she knows I might read it, or she's really not comfortable with that stuff. Either way, she's at least getting in the habit of keeping her online conversations to things that won't come back to bite her in the butt later. I figure if they were talking in person they'd be having similar conversations, and at least this way I have some idea of what's going around in her circles. I may not love some of the stuff they talk about (nothing terrible, they're just too young to be throwing around such casual, joking references to sexual stuff, IMO), but at least I know her friends are supportive of each other and her online life isn't causing her any undue drama or stress. But there's no way in hell I'd let her have unlimited access to anyone and anything out there online without adult oversight. There are too many people ready to exploit vulnerable kids, in so many ways. And all 14yo girls are vulnerable in some way, whether it's something like self-esteem issues or a need for approval, or just simple naiveté. |
Anonymous
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Circle. Lock the phone so she can't use it until she shows it to you. And then, make it clear you are to know the password and all or her passwords and check it at random times.
The ability to use the phone (or not) will make her change her tune pretty quickly. She will be mad and push back, but at the end of the day, she is only 14 and could get in so much trouble if left alone and give all this privacy... It sucks op, but this is the life we live right now with these devices that make it possible for our CHILDREN to connect to anyone, anywhere. |
Anonymous
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This is not hard people. Parent your children.
Most and I do mean like 97 percent of our DC phones are paid for by parents. Meaning phones do not belong to our little gems. Given phones are so much more than a tool to call you, the idea that they should have their privacy is beyond dumb and is poor parenting. I’m not saying check your college kids phone but until they turn 18 they are your responsibility, why in the world would any parent let them go unmonitored? For a the parents who say oh my child needs their privacy , let them write in a diary to their hearts content, but social media absolutely monitoring required. This is just not that hard. A phone is a responsibility not a right. |
Anonymous
| Not happening. We have a 15 year old. We have his pw. He’s been advised if he changes it he loses the phone. I don’t look at his phone. But, he’s open who he’s friends with. |
Anonymous
What are you hiding? My phone dies and I want to order dinner and I can't use your phone. My phone is charging and I want to play Spotify and ask you for your phone and you are afraid to have me look at it. That is a sad way to live. Luckily nobody in my house is afraid to have anybody look at their phone. |
Anonymous
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Cancel her phone plan.
Or, she can pay for it herself. |
Anonymous
+1 Also, this is a good time to impress on her the fact that there is no such thing as privacy on any kind of social media. Whatever she sends to someone else could become public at any time. |