14 year old girl won't let parents see phone.

[Anonymous]

I'm very worried about my daughter refusing to let me see who she is communicating with online. I only know of one of her friends that she hands with online or otherwise. My husband thinks she deserves her privacy. I'm getting really worried. Do any other teens get to not let their parents know who they are friends with??

[Anonymous]

When you looked at her phone before, how did you react? Asking because it would make a difference to me as to whether she has a reacting to me and my behavior or whether my behavior has been benign and she is refusing

[Anonymous]

Our house rule: If I'm paying for the phone, I get to see the phone when I ask. If you can't show me the phone, you don't get to have the phone. I also get to know the unlock code for the phone. You don't get to lock it. You're underage and I'm responsible for you. I will not go through your phone unless I have serious reason to do so.

My kids are 15 and 17. They've had phones since they were 10. I've never really felt the need to go through their phone, but the rule is that I can if I see the need to do it. My kids know that. My kids comply with that. In exchange, I trust them unless I see signs that something serious is going on.

[Anonymous]

my kids are 14 and 18 and have both had phones since 7th grade or so. "Privacy" is a moving target IMO. I did/do not give 13/14yo a phone without agreements around their understanding that their privacy is not absolute, I can and will take a look from time to time, they need to let me know their password. Honestly I'm glad I did, both kids were in situations early on that were a bit over their heads in how to handle and I was able to help them manage it without directly telling them that I was aware of what was going on. If they balk at that - well - then I'm not paying for the thing so they both went along with it. By older teenage years when my first kid had showed me good judgment over time I backed off.

[Anonymous]

Take the phone away

[Anonymous]

Is there some other concerning behavior that she's exhibiting? Or just a need for privacy? Is she doing OK with friendships, or does she have trouble in general? Does she have worrisome friendships?

If there's nothing weird going on, and if you trust her in general, I'd let her have her privacy on the phone. But if there are other signs of concern, like grades dropping, moodiness outside the scope of normal teen drama, etc., then I'd look at the phone.

[Anonymous]

Are you worried about something in particular or just because she doesn't want to share it with you? She may not share because she's a 14 year old kid and may have said some negative things about you (perfectly normal). Are you worried about legit dangerous issues or are you mostly being nosy?

That said, I have explained to my kids there is no right to privacy until they are grown. I don't feel much need to snoop, but if I felt i needed to, then I would.

[Anonymous]

Jesus, OP. Your kid loses her phone if she doesn't let you see. When she's 18 and paying for her own she can have her privacy. She can have her privacy in her journal and on phone alls or whatever, but she DOES NOT get online privacy. That is a recipe for disaster.

[Anonymous]

It is not actually "her" phone. Just like someday her school computer or her work computer will not be "hers" either and others will be entitled to look at everything on it, just as you are so entitled right now to look at her phone.

[Anonymous]

Interesting that 14 makes the rules at her house. That’s not how it works in my household. Has she informed you of the time her curfew yet?

[Anonymous]

You're funny, OP. If my kids were to do this, I'd laugh so hard while taking their phone away.

[Anonymous]

Suspend her account so she knows you're not issuing idle threats. Then have a talk and let her know what is expected going forward. Uou can suspend accounts online in just a few minutesl

[Anonymous]

Have you established any expectations or had discussions about online safety in general? If you just demand you see her phone without a conversation, I can see why she would refuse. Teens are savvy - they can hide things easily if they want to so just being able to look at her phone isn't enough to address the problem of not knowing who she is communicating with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there some other concerning behavior that she's exhibiting? Or just a need for privacy? Is she doing OK with friendships, or does she have trouble in general? Does she have worrisome friendships?

If there's nothing weird going on, and if you trust her in general, I'd let her have her privacy on the phone. But if there are other signs of concern, like grades dropping, moodiness outside the scope of normal teen drama, etc., then I'd look at the phone.

I only know of one friend of hers. She won't tell us who she is in contact with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:my kids are 14 and 18 and have both had phones since 7th grade or so. "Privacy" is a moving target IMO. I did/do not give 13/14yo a phone without agreements around their understanding that their privacy is not absolute, I can and will take a look from time to time, they need to let me know their password. Honestly I'm glad I did, both kids were in situations early on that were a bit over their heads in how to handle and I was able to help them manage it without directly telling them that I was aware of what was going on. If they balk at that - well - then I'm not paying for the thing so they both went along with it. By older teenage years when my first kid had showed me good judgment over time I backed off.

This seems like a good approach. Can you tell us about the situations that were kind of over their heads? We're thinking about getting our DC a phone but don't have a good grasp of all the nuances to think about.