14 year old girl won't let parents see phone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there a reason to see her phone, or are you just trying to make a control move?

It's not a control move. It's called parenting. She doesn't pay for the phone, she doesn't own the phone and she's a minor. This is social media not a diary, learn the difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Family rule: anybody can see any phone at anytime they want... if you need to hide who you really are you have a problem.

This is not an appropriate rule.

What are you hiding?

My phone dies and I want to order dinner and I can't use your phone.

My phone is charging and I want to play Spotify and ask you for your phone and you are afraid to have me look at it.

That is a sad way to live.

Luckily nobody in my house is afraid to have anybody look at their phone.

I don't consider adults and children equals. I know weird concept for DCUM. Some of my conversations children have no business being a part of. I need to know what my minor children are up to, who is contacting them , because I am ultimately responsible for them and their safety. The same can not be said for my children in regards to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Family rule: anybody can see any phone at anytime they want... if you need to hide who you really are you have a problem.

This is not an appropriate rule.

What are you hiding?

My phone dies and I want to order dinner and I can't use your phone.

My phone is charging and I want to play Spotify and ask you for your phone and you are afraid to have me look at it.

That is a sad way to live.

Luckily nobody in my house is afraid to have anybody look at their phone.

You must be the parent with the poor boundaries in the mom/son overshare thread.

[Anonymous]

The rule is dh or I get to see the phone when we want. We will not discuss or bring up anything we see unless it is damaging. You can complain about us, DS, school, after school activities etc and we will pretend we never saw it. But if you're engaging in concerning behavior (self harm, talking to strangers, or being very mean to someone) we will say something.

Her phone is also a Google phone so we can simply log into her email and see her chats.

There have been times we've had to intervene (she and another friend were helping spread some gossip). So far, it seems to help that I was far from a perfect teen and can admit that to her. It has also benefitted her because she was once complaining about something I was doing and she actually had a good point and I stopped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Family rule: anybody can see any phone at anytime they want... if you need to hide who you really are you have a problem.

This is not an appropriate rule.

What are you hiding?

My phone dies and I want to order dinner and I can't use your phone.

My phone is charging and I want to play Spotify and ask you for your phone and you are afraid to have me look at it.

That is a sad way to live.

Luckily nobody in my house is afraid to have anybody look at their phone.

You must be the parent with the poor boundaries in the mom/son overshare thread.

Nope, I'm just not afraid for anybody to look up the weather on my phone.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I look at each other's phones all the time.

Kids don't get to see our phones but we do look at their phones. We are the parents. Our kids are young and innocent and need guidance ESPECIALLY with social media, but even just chatting with friends.

As they get older and earn our trust we don't need to check as much but until they're independently living on their own they don't get to keep their phones from us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Family rule: anybody can see any phone at anytime they want... if you need to hide who you really are you have a problem.

This is not an appropriate rule.

What are you hiding?

My phone dies and I want to order dinner and I can't use your phone.

My phone is charging and I want to play Spotify and ask you for your phone and you are afraid to have me look at it.

That is a sad way to live.

Luckily nobody in my house is afraid to have anybody look at their phone.

I don't consider adults and children equals. I know weird concept for DCUM. Some of my conversations children have no business being a part of. I need to know what my minor children are up to, who is contacting them , because I am ultimately responsible for them and their safety. The same can not be said for my children in regards to me.

What clandestine conversations are you having? You sound like a horrible gossip and you don't want people to know.

Stop whatever you are doing on your phone that is shameful, you will eventually be found out by your phone or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The rule is dh or I get to see the phone when we want. We will not discuss or bring up anything we see unless it is damaging. You can complain about us, DS, school, after school activities etc and we will pretend we never saw it. But if you're engaging in concerning behavior (self harm, talking to strangers, or being very mean to someone) we will say something.

Her phone is also a Google phone so we can simply log into her email and see her chats.

There have been times we've had to intervene (she and another friend were helping spread some gossip). So far, it seems to help that I was far from a perfect teen and can admit that to her. It has also benefitted her because she was once complaining about something I was doing and she actually had a good point and I stopped.

You're a really good mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I look at each other's phones all the time.

Kids don't get to see our phones but we do look at their phones. We are the parents. Our kids are young and innocent and need guidance ESPECIALLY with social media, but even just chatting with friends.

As they get older and earn our trust we don't need to check as much but until they're independently living on their own they don't get to keep their phones from us.

This^^^^

Teach your kids you look at their phone because it is not big deal and you don't do sh*t on your phone that you are ashamed of.

This is easily taught when they see parents not afraid to have each other look at each other's phones.

My kids have used my phones a bunch of times though since they don't get one until 8th grade/Freshman year of HS, so yea middle schoolers see my phone. They text/facetime their grandparents from my phone. I couldn't imagine being afraid of my kids seeing my phone.

[Anonymous]

I mean sometimes I have conversations with my husband I'd rather my kids not see. So my kids can't see my phone. But my husband has free access to it.

My kids phone is my phone. I'm paying for it. I'm very clear there's no privacy.

[Anonymous]

OP- I have a DS14. I do occasionally check his phone, but I explain why I'm doing this- and it's not to invade privacy. The easiest way to check a phone is to:

1. Require that the phone is "turned in" at a certain time of night

2. Put parental restrictions on the phone that include being unable to change the password

3. Then periodically auditing phone use when the phone is in your possession (for big things like bullying, safety, worrisome behavior, etc).

4. Ensuring that your DD knows that you will periodically check the phone and why--she doesn't have to like it, but it's out in the open that it's a condition of her having a phone.

Demanding to see the phone while it's in your kid's hands will cause a fight and seem highly controlling--just have the phone at night and randomly check it every once in awhile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- I have a DS14. I do occasionally check his phone, but I explain why I'm doing this- and it's not to invade privacy. The easiest way to check a phone is to:

1. Require that the phone is "turned in" at a certain time of night

2. Put parental restrictions on the phone that include being unable to change the password

3. Then periodically auditing phone use when the phone is in your possession (for big things like bullying, safety, worrisome behavior, etc).

4. Ensuring that your DD knows that you will periodically check the phone and why--she doesn't have to like it, but it's out in the open that it's a condition of her having a phone.

Demanding to see the phone while it's in your kid's hands will cause a fight and seem highly controlling--just have the phone at night and randomly check it every once in awhile.

...also the "there's no privacy" may rub your DD the wrong way-- it certainly would me. The stakes are a lot higher for messing up in text or on the internet. It's about protecting your DD and scaffolding--not privacy. It's like a curfew, or asking if homework is done, or other behavioral expectations. You're parenting and involved with it until it's absolutely certain that they can manage on their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm very worried about my daughter refusing to let me see who she is communicating with online. I only know of one of her friends that she hands with online or otherwise. My husband thinks she deserves her privacy. I'm getting really worried. Do any other teens get to not let their parents know who they are friends with??

I pay, I see. Phones are stored downstairs over night. I’m sure they have gotten their phones at night but overall works. I have tried to tell one of the middle school moms I am friends with that she should be checking the group texts. Her daughter texts all night long and makes comments I am sure the mother wouldn’t approve of but she doesn’t seem interested so I’ve dropped it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- I have a DS14. I do occasionally check his phone, but I explain why I'm doing this- and it's not to invade privacy. The easiest way to check a phone is to:

1. Require that the phone is "turned in" at a certain time of night

2. Put parental restrictions on the phone that include being unable to change the password

3. Then periodically auditing phone use when the phone is in your possession (for big things like bullying, safety, worrisome behavior, etc).

4. Ensuring that your DD knows that you will periodically check the phone and why--she doesn't have to like it, but it's out in the open that it's a condition of her having a phone.

Demanding to see the phone while it's in your kid's hands will cause a fight and seem highly controlling--just have the phone at night and randomly check it every once in awhile.

...also the "there's no privacy" may rub your DD the wrong way-- it certainly would me. The stakes are a lot higher for messing up in text or on the internet. It's about protecting your DD and scaffolding--not privacy. It's like a curfew, or asking if homework is done, or other behavioral expectations. You're parenting and involved with it until it's absolutely certain that they can manage on their own.

This. It isn’t a privacy issue it’s a let me help guide you through this because it may come back to haunt you when you are 40.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there a reason to see her phone, or are you just trying to make a control move?

It's not a control move. It's called parenting. She doesn't pay for the phone, she doesn't own the phone and she's a minor. This is social media not a diary, learn the difference.

Control move.

Good luck with the next 4-6 years