Indoor Wedding for 150 People?! Give me a break!

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's crazy. I just attended a 100 person funeral 2 weeks ago. Everyone wore masks, church did every other pew, and it was still a good funeral (well as good as they can be). No one has been reported as sick since the funeral and we've all been checking daily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:An invitation is not a summons.

They are not "exposing" anyone. They are holding a legal event and are informing everyone of the circumstances.

Guests are then welcome to make their own choices.

As long as they are gracious when people send regrets, there is no issue here.

Repeat after me, again, some more: An invitation is not a summons.

An invitation is an expectation and they well know it.

Maybe in your world. In my world, it is not.

I recently declined the very small group backyard change-of-plans wedding for a close friend and colleague. I sent a gift, and then my regrets. I followed up with a heartfelt email. Both the bride and groom immediately wrote back, said they more than understand, and want to know how much my family's support means to them. When the gift arrived, they sent a lovely thank you card. They know I am eagerly awaiting photos from the day, and they promised to send. It was a nice exchange.

I also recently declined a wedding invite for my cousin who is getting married in a state with very low rates. They are taking lots of precautions, but we would have had to travel. Similar deal--my cousin called and said of course, we know not everyone can make it, we totally understand. I sent a gift, and got a lovely thank you card. Again, promises to send photos. 100% understanding, well-wishing, and grace on both sides.

In my world, we do our best, we extend grace, we make the best choices for ourselves and our family. And we all know it.

+1. I've never heard of an invitation meaning an "expectation."

[Anonymous]

Agree with those who recommend declining over just attending part of the festivities. Hopefully this couple will stay married for a long time and you all can get together sometime in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:An invitation is not a summons.

They are not "exposing" anyone. They are holding a legal event and are informing everyone of the circumstances.

Guests are then welcome to make their own choices.

As long as they are gracious when people send regrets, there is no issue here.

Repeat after me, again, some more: An invitation is not a summons.

An invitation is an expectation and they well know it.

Maybe in your world. In my world, it is not.

I recently declined the very small group backyard change-of-plans wedding for a close friend and colleague. I sent a gift, and then my regrets. I followed up with a heartfelt email. Both the bride and groom immediately wrote back, said they more than understand, and want to know how much my family's support means to them. When the gift arrived, they sent a lovely thank you card. They know I am eagerly awaiting photos from the day, and they promised to send. It was a nice exchange.

I also recently declined a wedding invite for my cousin who is getting married in a state with very low rates. They are taking lots of precautions, but we would have had to travel. Similar deal--my cousin called and said of course, we know not everyone can make it, we totally understand. I sent a gift, and got a lovely thank you card. Again, promises to send photos. 100% understanding, well-wishing, and grace on both sides.

In my world, we do our best, we extend grace, we make the best choices for ourselves and our family. And we all know it.

This really struck me. I've responded to so many posts about difficult families, primarily based on my own difficult family. People who don't have difficult families, or who have found ways to ignore them, don't understand how challenging it can be. You WANT to get along. You WANT to have family, community, etc. I am digressing, but the point being that this highlighted portion struck me because that is the heart of the problem with my family. No one extends grace. I love that phrase and wish that it could be instill in my own family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:An invitation is not a summons.

They are not "exposing" anyone. They are holding a legal event and are informing everyone of the circumstances.

Guests are then welcome to make their own choices.

As long as they are gracious when people send regrets, there is no issue here.

Repeat after me, again, some more: An invitation is not a summons.

An invitation is an expectation and they well know it.

Maybe in your world. In my world, it is not.

I recently declined the very small group backyard change-of-plans wedding for a close friend and colleague. I sent a gift, and then my regrets. I followed up with a heartfelt email. Both the bride and groom immediately wrote back, said they more than understand, and want to know how much my family's support means to them. When the gift arrived, they sent a lovely thank you card. They know I am eagerly awaiting photos from the day, and they promised to send. It was a nice exchange.

I also recently declined a wedding invite for my cousin who is getting married in a state with very low rates. They are taking lots of precautions, but we would have had to travel. Similar deal--my cousin called and said of course, we know not everyone can make it, we totally understand. I sent a gift, and got a lovely thank you card. Again, promises to send photos. 100% understanding, well-wishing, and grace on both sides.

In my world, we do our best, we extend grace, we make the best choices for ourselves and our family. And we all know it.

This really struck me. I've responded to so many posts about difficult families, primarily based on my own difficult family. People who don't have difficult families, or who have found ways to ignore them, don't understand how challenging it can be. You WANT to get along. You WANT to have family, community, etc. I am digressing, but the point being that this highlighted portion struck me because that is the heart of the problem with my family. No one extends grace. I love that phrase and wish that it could be instill in my own family.

I'm sure that is all difficult, and valid, and true to your experience. But you have a rather myopic way of looking at the world when you make statements like "An invitation is an EXPECTATION, and they all know it," as if that is a universal truth.

You have agency in your life, regardless of your family expectations or dynamics. You have control. If they don't like it, let them grumble. Their disappointment or bitchery can only affect you if you let it. When people are unreasonable about my reasonable choices, I choose not to care. Their feelings are not my problem. It is not my job to make anyone happy or satisfied or comfortable, other than myself and my husband and children. Point blank period.

"Give me a break!" your subject line says. You've already been given a break: that little "regrets" box on the reply card. Use it.

And if you CHOOSE to cave to their expectations, then stop whining about it, right now. Own your choices.

[Anonymous]

They have a right to get married, and to try and have the wedding they've dreamed of. You have the right to decline

I've declined a cousins wedding in CO (July), and will decline my bff's daughter'wedding in Baltimore in September.

I sent a gift along with my decline to Colorado, and I will send a gift along with my decline for Baltimore. Why are you in a huff? You don't have to go?

[Anonymous]

Don't go for any of it, OP. You'll get side eye and commentary if you go, yes, but more importantly--would you be in a hotel? You mention events the night before the wedding day. Hotels are still going to be a no for many of us in August. Let people call you excessive for saying no, like I'm sure some here will call me excessive for not wanting hotel stays. Ignore any comments and decline. Send a great gift. Don't cave to expectations that you go. If you do go, you will have a stressful, miserable time because every minute you'll be worried about viral transmission, and rightly so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you are crazy at all, and I'm pretty relaxed about these things. It might be easier/more tactful not to go at all than to try to go yet skip the indoor ceremony.

This. Don’t pick and choose events! That’s really rude. The only time its acceptable is if you choose the wedding and skip everything else.

Go or don’t go.

I slightly disagree. I would pick and choose events, but I think if you do, you should at least attend the ceremony. That is the main event. Even if it's inside, you can socially distance and there is no eating or drinking so masks are easy. Wear an n95 mask for that one hour or less that you'd be in the church.

[Anonymous]

Depending on where they are the public health guidance is clear since 99% of locations will be in Phase 3 by August -- 50% seating capacity and up to 250 can gather. Seems like they are following that.

They aren't crazy but you aren't crazy for declining.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't attend at all, so no I don't think you're crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's crazy. I just attended a 100 person funeral 2 weeks ago. Everyone wore masks, church did every other pew, and it was still a good funeral (well as good as they can be). No one has been reported as sick since the funeral and we've all been checking daily.

But funerals can't be postponed the way weddings can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's crazy. I just attended a 100 person funeral 2 weeks ago. Everyone wore masks, church did every other pew, and it was still a good funeral (well as good as they can be). No one has been reported as sick since the funeral and we've all been checking daily.

But funerals can't be postponed the way weddings can.

Burials can't. Memorials can. Immediate family can bury a loved one, and a larger memorial can be held later. That is what is happening with a beloved colleague of mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:An invitation is not a summons.

They are not "exposing" anyone. They are holding a legal event and are informing everyone of the circumstances.

Guests are then welcome to make their own choices.

As long as they are gracious when people send regrets, there is no issue here.

Repeat after me, again, some more: An invitation is not a summons.

An invitation is an expectation and they well know it.

Maybe in your world. In my world, it is not.

I recently declined the very small group backyard change-of-plans wedding for a close friend and colleague. I sent a gift, and then my regrets. I followed up with a heartfelt email. Both the bride and groom immediately wrote back, said they more than understand, and want to know how much my family's support means to them. When the gift arrived, they sent a lovely thank you card. They know I am eagerly awaiting photos from the day, and they promised to send. It was a nice exchange.

I also recently declined a wedding invite for my cousin who is getting married in a state with very low rates. They are taking lots of precautions, but we would have had to travel. Similar deal--my cousin called and said of course, we know not everyone can make it, we totally understand. I sent a gift, and got a lovely thank you card. Again, promises to send photos. 100% understanding, well-wishing, and grace on both sides.

In my world, we do our best, we extend grace, we make the best choices for ourselves and our family. And we all know it.

+1. I've never heard of an invitation meaning an "expectation."

Come on. Don't be obtuse. Of course an invitation to a family wedding is an invitation. You have to have a reason not to go - and OP understandably feels that her reason for not going - pandemic! - is going to be seen as judgmental, and will in turn lead to her being judged. That is normal human interaction.

[Anonymous]

Eh, I'm expecting to get a bunch of side-eye from family for not attending my cousin's 50-person wedding in July. (Assuming it's even allowed under the state guidelines by then.) Weddings are perfect super-spreader events, and I just can't imagine going and being relaxed enough to have fun. 150 people indoors? I'd send my regrets without a second thought.

I think the reason I expect pushback is that (1) the person getting married is not known for "extending grace," and (2) when you decline, people who are nervous and defensive about their choice to have the event in the first place will feel judged, and that often turns into anger at the person who is "making" them feel that way. There's nothing you can do about that, though. To me, it's not worth getting sick just so someone else doesn't feel bad about their own choices.

[Anonymous]

I would say no