Indoor Wedding for 150 People?! Give me a break!

[Anonymous]

Ugh. This is more of a vent.

A cousin is getting married in another state in August. There will be 150 people, and it will be held indoors in a reception hall with capacity for 300, so the event is legal (50% capacity). I'm so annoyed that they are holding this event and expecting everyone (including elderly relatives) to be there when the public health guidance is clear on this issue! It feels like the bride and groom believe that their "big day" is more important than the health and safety of their families.

I have made the decision to travel, but we will probably only attend the outdoor reception the night before the wedding, and some side events. I'm leaning towards skipping the actual wedding and reception. I just hate that everyone will be rolling their eyes at me like I'm some extreme liberal lunatic for skipping the actual wedding.

For the record, my immediate family has been moderately careful/safe, but not extreme. We just started outdoor play dates two weeks ago and have a summer babysitter who started this week.

Am I crazy? Are they crazy?

[Anonymous]

You've made your choice. They've made theirs. So many times on this board we say "an invite is not a summons," and it isn't. I would not go, but I also would not begrudge them trying to maintain some sense of normalcy. They are trying to make the best of a situation and are inviting people wi the understanding that many will not come. Even the elderly do not have to travel. It is sad that so many will miss the wedding, but at this point, are we really so sure that delaying a year will give them a "normal wedding"? Everybody who decides to go fully understands the risks of being there. Let it go

[Anonymous]

I don't think you are crazy at all, and I'm pretty relaxed about these things. It might be easier/more tactful not to go at all than to try to go yet skip the indoor ceremony.

[Anonymous]

Is the wedding in a state/area that is lightly affected or severely affected?

I would probably decline, but if you do go, I think going to the rehearsal dinner but skipping the actual wedding will come across as judgmental and a little rude.

[Anonymous]

Are they really "expecting everyone including elderly relatives to be there" or are they just invited?

Just because someone offers you an invite (you, your relatives) does not mean they have to take it. "No" is an answer. If they're not pressing people but leaving it up to personal decision, I fail to see what the problem is. And I'm as liberal lefty as they come.

[Anonymous]

They’re nuts.
I agree with the PP about skipping it altogether rather than going but skipping the main event.

In my family, weddings have been postponed. But we care about everyone’s health.

[Anonymous]

No way would I go to an indoor wedding in August. No. Way. We are even skipping a family wedding set for January 2021. Plus we have an event in Texas this August that we just told family that we are no longer coming too. They’re still holding it.

[Anonymous]

They may not have had much of a choice if the deposits were already paid and the date already chosen. Are they just inviting 150 people? Assume that many people will decline and the gathering will be much smaller.

Either way don't go if you don't want to. I would say if you go then go to the events - if you don't intend to go to the events just stay home. By going and not attending you're really just being dramatic and drawing attention to you and you're critical view of the event.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think there’s a point in traveling—you’re more likely to have fall-out from going and not participating in all aspects than not going at all. I’d send my regrets and gift without second thought.

[Anonymous]

An invitation is not a summons.

They are not "exposing" anyone. They are holding a legal event and are informing everyone of the circumstances.

Guests are then welcome to make their own choices.

As long as they are gracious when people send regrets, there is no issue here.

Repeat after me, again, some more: An invitation is not a summons.

[Anonymous]

I'm getting married in August. My fiance and I wanted to do a ceremony with immediate family only, but we are close with our aunts and uncles and they expressed wishes that we include them if at all possible. I'm wracked with the stress of people talking about me like you talk about your cousin, but we are having a gathering of 50 people with strict limitations in place (masks required, drinks will come to the table instead of people walking up to the bar, no passed appetizers, etc). Just because they are having a wedding doesn't mean this is a wedding of 150 people that would have happened last year with sweaty bodies all over the dance floor, and it doesn't mean that they value their "big day" (kind, non-judgmental use of quotes from your post) over the lives of their families. It seems like the best thing you could do would be to send your regrets and support instead of showing up and side-eyeing all that do participate in the ceremony.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:An invitation is not a summons.

They are not "exposing" anyone. They are holding a legal event and are informing everyone of the circumstances.

Guests are then welcome to make their own choices.

As long as they are gracious when people send regrets, there is no issue here.

Repeat after me, again, some more: An invitation is not a summons.

An invitation is an expectation and they well know it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm getting married in August. My fiance and I wanted to do a ceremony with immediate family only, but we are close with our aunts and uncles and they expressed wishes that we include them if at all possible. I'm wracked with the stress of people talking about me like you talk about your cousin, but we are having a gathering of 50 people with strict limitations in place (masks required, drinks will come to the table instead of people walking up to the bar, no passed appetizers, etc). Just because they are having a wedding doesn't mean this is a wedding of 150 people that would have happened last year with sweaty bodies all over the dance floor, and it doesn't mean that they value their "big day" (kind, non-judgmental use of quotes from your post) over the lives of their families. It seems like the best thing you could do would be to send your regrets and support instead of showing up and side-eyeing all that do participate in the ceremony.

This seems like the sort of problem you could solve with some communication. Just get out ahead of it, send a message that you know we are in strange times, and you will miss anyone who doesn't feel comfortable coming but will totally understand. Give an overview of the precautions that will be in place, and then just be gracious if someone says they cannot attend.

As someone who got months of grief from her family for not going to an overseas event (that was eventually cancelled anyway), trust me, people who love you want to attend and are really torn if they feel unsafe going. Just let them know you aren't taking it personally, love them anyhow, and no one will be talking behind your back!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:An invitation is not a summons.

They are not "exposing" anyone. They are holding a legal event and are informing everyone of the circumstances.

Guests are then welcome to make their own choices.

As long as they are gracious when people send regrets, there is no issue here.

Repeat after me, again, some more: An invitation is not a summons.

An invitation is an expectation and they well know it.

Maybe in your world. In my world, it is not.

I recently declined the very small group backyard change-of-plans wedding for a close friend and colleague. I sent a gift, and then my regrets. I followed up with a heartfelt email. Both the bride and groom immediately wrote back, said they more than understand, and want to know how much my family's support means to them. When the gift arrived, they sent a lovely thank you card. They know I am eagerly awaiting photos from the day, and they promised to send. It was a nice exchange.

I also recently declined a wedding invite for my cousin who is getting married in a state with very low rates. They are taking lots of precautions, but we would have had to travel. Similar deal--my cousin called and said of course, we know not everyone can make it, we totally understand. I sent a gift, and got a lovely thank you card. Again, promises to send photos. 100% understanding, well-wishing, and grace on both sides.

In my world, we do our best, we extend grace, we make the best choices for ourselves and our family. And we all know it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you are crazy at all, and I'm pretty relaxed about these things. It might be easier/more tactful not to go at all than to try to go yet skip the indoor ceremony.

This. Don’t pick and choose events! That’s really rude. The only time its acceptable is if you choose the wedding and skip everything else.

Go or don’t go.