Resentment and care for the elderly in-law

[Anonymous]

You need to take care of elderly relatives. Period. Otherwise what is the point of you having a family yourself?

Maybe you can move the relative in with you for now, and everyone can help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to take care of elderly relatives. Period. Otherwise what is the point of you having a family yourself?

Maybe you can move the relative in with you for now, and everyone can help.

Where is it stated that people need to take care of elderly relatives? We didn’t choose to be born. However, our parents chose to bring us into existence. But that doesn’t mean we are beholden to them in their later years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to take care of elderly relatives. Period. Otherwise what is the point of you having a family yourself?

Maybe you can move the relative in with you for now, and everyone can help.

Where is it stated that people need to take care of elderly relatives? We didn’t choose to be born. However, our parents chose to bring us into existence. But that doesn’t mean we are beholden to them in their later years.

I'm not saying this to be snarky, but there is really something wrong here. This is a very strange, cut throat attitude that is divorced from emotion and love, and not normal. Normal people don't think or feel this way. If you love someone, you can't just let yourself off the hook by saying "Not my problem." If you love someone, then you have an emotional tie to them and an emotional obligation when they are in need that you can't rationalize your way out of. Normal people don't have to analyze whether or not they are "beholden" to their parents and why or why not. Most normal people understand on a gut level that they are.

I guess your parents really did a number on you. I'm sorry, PP. But that doesn't mean your argument is valid for most people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many glib replies — I wonder how many respondents have actually had to deal with something like this.

You all need a long-term solution here, because this level of care isn’t sustainable for someone with a family of their own to nurture.

Yes it is. It has been through all of time. Again, it won’t be forever.

Signed, 60 years old and been there twice.

Were you working full time and taking care of a young family while you did this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to take care of elderly relatives. Period. Otherwise what is the point of you having a family yourself?

Maybe you can move the relative in with you for now, and everyone can help.

Tell that to the people I know who have moved away from their family. Tell that to the people working with their own young family and they can't get time off work.

I also know quite a few who didn't step up when their parents were in hospital, grand kids didn't visit them. Yes some children are bound by obligation but certainly not all.

I'm sorry you are going through this op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP should be glad her husband is stepping up to help and isn’t dumping the duties on her. Unlike the DH of the ‘wife won’t pitch in with demented mom” thread. Be grateful OP. Even he were to hire others, that money will come from you guys so he’s actually saving you money.

This is BS. The current situation is not sustainable and not healthy for your marriage. Time to hire help. Does she have her own money? People mentioned you are saving money. If she has her own money, do you have POA? Spend it on help. No need to spend your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to take care of elderly relatives. Period. Otherwise what is the point of you having a family yourself?

Maybe you can move the relative in with you for now, and everyone can help.

Where is it stated that people need to take care of elderly relatives? We didn’t choose to be born. However, our parents chose to bring us into existence. But that doesn’t mean we are beholden to them in their later years.

I'm not saying this to be snarky, but there is really something wrong here. This is a very strange, cut throat attitude that is divorced from emotion and love, and not normal. Normal people don't think or feel this way. If you love someone, you can't just let yourself off the hook by saying "Not my problem." If you love someone, then you have an emotional tie to them and an emotional obligation when they are in need that you can't rationalize your way out of. Normal people don't have to analyze whether or not they are "beholden" to their parents and why or why not. Most normal people understand on a gut level that they are.

I guess your parents really did a number on you. I'm sorry, PP. But that doesn't mean your argument is valid for most people.

This is a lot of manipulative BS. You have a right to set boundaries and hire help. Normal and healthy people do not do in their marriages and their mental health for irrational elderly people. No elderly person wants hired help, but most adjust gradually. It's really not their choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to take care of elderly relatives. Period. Otherwise what is the point of you having a family yourself?

Maybe you can move the relative in with you for now, and everyone can help.

Hiring help IS taking care of the elderly person. OP I do NOT recommend moving her in under any circumstances unless you had an amazing relationship. I have seen first hand this eat away at marriages and the health of the caregiver.

You don't have children to eat them alive. Your children don't owe you to be your slave. They just need to arrange proper care with the money you saved and check on you.

I have known a few people from cultures where you are guilt tripped into moving the parent it never ended up well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to take care of elderly relatives. Period. Otherwise what is the point of you having a family yourself?

Maybe you can move the relative in with you for now, and everyone can help.

Hiring help IS taking care of the elderly person. OP I do NOT recommend moving her in under any circumstances unless you had an amazing relationship. I have seen first hand this eat away at marriages and the health of the caregiver.

You don't have children to eat them alive. Your children don't owe you to be your slave. They just need to arrange proper care with the money you saved and check on you.

I have known a few people from cultures where you are guilt tripped into moving the parent it never ended up well.

I grew up in an Asian community where filial piety means taking care of your parents in old age. A teacher asked me what I planned to do for mine and my answer was 'I'll hire a maid". That is how many old people can age in place in Asian countries. You think the middle-class adult children in India are wiping their own parents' asses? They can outsource that. Some people I know are moving their parents back to their home countries because it's cheaper to find household help to provide eldercare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to take care of elderly relatives. Period. Otherwise what is the point of you having a family yourself?

Maybe you can move the relative in with you for now, and everyone can help.

Hiring help IS taking care of the elderly person. OP I do NOT recommend moving her in under any circumstances unless you had an amazing relationship. I have seen first hand this eat away at marriages and the health of the caregiver.

You don't have children to eat them alive. Your children don't owe you to be your slave. They just need to arrange proper care with the money you saved and check on you.

I have known a few people from cultures where you are guilt tripped into moving the parent it never ended up well.

I grew up in an Asian community where filial piety means taking care of your parents in old age. A teacher asked me what I planned to do for mine and my answer was 'I'll hire a maid". That is how many old people can age in place in Asian countries. You think the middle-class adult children in India are wiping their own parents' asses? They can outsource that. Some people I know are moving their parents back to their home countries because it's cheaper to find household help to provide eldercare.

It's not just cheaper, you don't get the 2am call with an emergency where they need you to come over if they are in another country. You don't have to drive them to doctor's appointments because they don't trust the person you hired.

Having them MOVE in with you is a whole other can of beans. You have family members thinking they are doing YOU a favor by staying with YOU and trying to use you as a hotel and they have the gall to be offended if you ask them not to when you are there for the elderly parent. It is hard to set boundaries on your marriage. it is just a nightmare if the elderly person has boundary issues.

[Anonymous]

ILs, DH's aunt and we are neighbors. They all live independently and I am the person who oversees some of things that makes life easier for them. BIL and cousin and their families chip in in other ways. It was easier prior to COVID because we had outside help. With COVID, there has been no additional manpower so some of the things have been put on the backburner. I want to do everything that I can so that the three elderly people can be independent and well looked after. If one of them falls sick it is going to have a major negative ripple effect on a lot of lives. I am guarding them against COVID, and at the same time doing things so that they are not declining in spirit. It is hard but it is what we have to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ILs, DH's aunt and we are neighbors. They all live independently and I am the person who oversees some of things that makes life easier for them. BIL and cousin and their families chip in in other ways. It was easier prior to COVID because we had outside help. With COVID, there has been no additional manpower so some of the things have been put on the backburner. I want to do everything that I can so that the three elderly people can be independent and well looked after. If one of them falls sick it is going to have a major negative ripple effect on a lot of lives. I am guarding them against COVID, and at the same time doing things so that they are not declining in spirit. It is hard but it is what we have to do.

You did not mention if you are getting paid for this. More and more families are now paying a family member to take on this responsibility and that is a different story because there are boundaries with payment. Some families expect one member to do the lion's share for free because it's family. Sometimes the people who cannot be there send money to compensate the family member who does most of the work. I knew someone paid quite well by her family who played the martyr and saint without mentioning her family pays her more than the going rate and she had the option of using that money to hire someone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ILs, DH's aunt and we are neighbors. They all live independently and I am the person who oversees some of things that makes life easier for them. BIL and cousin and their families chip in in other ways. It was easier prior to COVID because we had outside help. With COVID, there has been no additional manpower so some of the things have been put on the backburner. I want to do everything that I can so that the three elderly people can be independent and well looked after. If one of them falls sick it is going to have a major negative ripple effect on a lot of lives. I am guarding them against COVID, and at the same time doing things so that they are not declining in spirit. It is hard but it is what we have to do.

You did not mention if you are getting paid for this. More and more families are now paying a family member to take on this responsibility and that is a different story because there are boundaries with payment. Some families expect one member to do the lion's share for free because it's family. Sometimes the people who cannot be there send money to compensate the family member who does most of the work. I knew someone paid quite well by her family who played the martyr and saint without mentioning her family pays her more than the going rate and she had the option of using that money to hire someone.

I know several families where filial piety is expected and the siblings work out the amount to send to the person who has the job. Sometimes they alternate and then pay who ever takes the job next. If the parents are wealthy they either pay upfront or make it clear in the will a larger percentage goes to caregiver.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to take care of elderly relatives. Period. Otherwise what is the point of you having a family yourself?

Maybe you can move the relative in with you for now, and everyone can help.

I had kids to experience being a parent, not so that they would take care of me. My worst nightmare is to be in a position where I'm someone's burden.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So many glib replies — I wonder how many respondents have actually had to deal with something like this.

You all need a long-term solution here, because this level of care isn’t sustainable for someone with a family of their own to nurture.

I find this funny. Everyone says 'have kids or who else will take care of you!'. Meanwhile the kids and kids spouses are burning with resentment? Lovely sentiment there.