Resentment and care for the elderly in-law

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many glib replies — I wonder how many respondents have actually had to deal with something like this.

You all need a long-term solution here, because this level of care isn’t sustainable for someone with a family of their own to nurture.

I find this funny. Everyone says 'have kids or who else will take care of you!'. Meanwhile the kids and kids spouses are burning with resentment? Lovely sentiment there.

OP, I'd be talking with your husband about a long term solution. Understand right now it is tough (not impossible) to hire outside caregivers due to COVID and
also due to the high unemployment rates being paid right now. Mom's care agency has not had any new applications for weeks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many glib replies — I wonder how many respondents have actually had to deal with something like this.

You all need a long-term solution here, because this level of care isn’t sustainable for someone with a family of their own to nurture.

I find this funny. Everyone says 'have kids or who else will take care of you!'. Meanwhile the kids and kids spouses are burning with resentment? Lovely sentiment there.

Nobody I know says to have kids so they will take care of you except for my friends family which is from another country. In fact, most experts would tell you that is absolutely not a reason to have kids. The are not little extensions of you meant to serve you. I consider myself fortunate if my kids help me some in old age, but do not expect it. I have saved for retirement and that won't be an issue. I would like to live in a continued care residence where I can move as needed, but that isn't easy to find.

I find the people who say these things are usually the narcissistic aunts and uncles who didn't do the work or people who had easy situations (parent independent until the day she died, parent pleasant and grateful, etc). They are the same people who when you finally convince the parent to go into assisted living, or you do memory care or nursing home they assume you now lead a cushy life when in fact, these places call you with so many problems and loved ones can get kicked out.

[Anonymous]

I’m OP and I’m finally back. Thank you for hearing out my vent and offering sympathy and ideas. I can deal with anything short-term, but I need to come up with long-term solutions and practice communicating with my husband about this. I suppose we need to decide what lines we don’t want to cross — i.e. providing personal physical care like bathing, or if she demonstrates she literally can’t be left alone, or if she becomes more physically disabled. She is capable of making food so the meal sharing with her is social. I get that he’s stuck between a rock and a hard place, but I feel there are always creative solutions out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m OP and I’m finally back. Thank you for hearing out my vent and offering sympathy and ideas. I can deal with anything short-term, but I need to come up with long-term solutions and practice communicating with my husband about this. I suppose we need to decide what lines we don’t want to cross — i.e. providing personal physical care like bathing, or if she demonstrates she literally can’t be left alone, or if she becomes more physically disabled. She is capable of making food so the meal sharing with her is social. I get that he’s stuck between a rock and a hard place, but I feel there are always creative solutions out there.

If your husband bathes his mom, I salute him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been there twice. It’s a part of the cycle of life, and it won’t be forever. You’ll miss them when they are gone, but you’ll feel content that you did everything possible to make them comfortable in their latter days, as you hope your children will support you when it is time.

Except it can be close to forever when someone lives a long time. My mom is a saint, she cared for my grandmother (who was awful to her) until my grandmother died...at 102.

[Anonymous]

If you do find a good caregiver, pay them well NOW while her needs are less with the understanding that she will continue to help as MIL needs more help. When my grandfather was very ill, he had one great aide care for him that my grandparents became close to. When he died, the family kept paying her just to keep my grandmother company--drive her places, take her to the store, clean the apartment, that kind of thing. As my grandmother has gotten older (she is in good health but 90+) she's had more responsibility and we've given her a raise. Eventually if my grandmother needs skilled nursing care eventually, we will still pay her to help out as a private/personal aide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you do find a good caregiver, pay them well NOW while her needs are less with the understanding that she will continue to help as MIL needs more help. When my grandfather was very ill, he had one great aide care for him that my grandparents became close to. When he died, the family kept paying her just to keep my grandmother company--drive her places, take her to the store, clean the apartment, that kind of thing. As my grandmother has gotten older (she is in good health but 90+) she's had more responsibility and we've given her a raise. Eventually if my grandmother needs skilled nursing care eventually, we will still pay her to help out as a private/personal aide.

How much is the hourly rate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been there twice. It’s a part of the cycle of life, and it won’t be forever. You’ll miss them when they are gone, but you’ll feel content that you did everything possible to make them comfortable in their latter days, as you hope your children will support you when it is time.

Except it can be close to forever when someone lives a long time. My mom is a saint, she cared for my grandmother (who was awful to her) until my grandmother died...at 102.

And my father lived in Skilled Nursing for 4 long years, coded once, was revived, went on hospice for a year and died in his sleep at age 85.

Tell my widowed mom who practically lived at his bedside and hired companion sitters so that she could nap or buy groceries that "it won't be forever." It seemed like forever for the family.

And don't tell me that I'll miss my parent (now) that he's gone. I forgave him and moved on to my own young family and their needs.

Despite my father being a nasty, abusive drunk, I still tried to be the dutiful daughter and visit as often as I could. I will never move my own mom or ILs in with us. Ever. In fact, DH and I are planning a cross country move in the near future. My mom has made arrangements to move into what was my father's nursing home eventually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been there twice. It’s a part of the cycle of life, and it won’t be forever. You’ll miss them when they are gone, but you’ll feel content that you did everything possible to make them comfortable in their latter days, as you hope your children will support you when it is time.

Except it can be close to forever when someone lives a long time. My mom is a saint, she cared for my grandmother (who was awful to her) until my grandmother died...at 102.

And my father lived in Skilled Nursing for 4 long years, coded once, was revived, went on hospice for a year and died in his sleep at age 85.

Tell my widowed mom who practically lived at his bedside and hired companion sitters so that she could nap or buy groceries that "it won't be forever." It seemed like forever for the family.

And don't tell me that I'll miss my parent (now) that he's gone. I forgave him and moved on to my own young family and their needs.

Despite my father being a nasty, abusive drunk, I still tried to be the dutiful daughter and visit as often as I could. I will never move my own mom or ILs in with us. Ever. In fact, DH and I are planning a cross country move in the near future. My mom has made arrangements to move into what was my father's nursing home eventually.

This. It does turn into forever some time. We had an ordeal that went 8 years with Alzheimers and other illnesses. I don't miss it, not one bit. I miss the person I lost many years ago. I already did the mourning throughout the endless Alzheimer's process. I feel relief that I don't have to watch a loved one die a horrible death day after day.

The sooner you get your used to outside help the better. Also, the sooner you set boundaries the better. I didn't set enough boundaries and became the target of a barrage of verbal abuse repeatedly.