Resentment and care for the elderly in-law

[Anonymous]

Last year, we began taking care of an elderly in-law after a health crisis. We spend most of the nights of the week at their place making dinner for them, and much of our family free time on the weekends there with our children. My husband has been bearing the brunt of the care and it is hard on him. I have tried so hard to be supportive. But I feel creeping resentment that we aren’t discussing how this is affecting the rest of the family: me and the kids. The vibe I am getting from him is that he is so overwhelmed that our problems are minimal compared to his. But long-term, taking care of this relative at the expense of our nuclear family is going to hurt our marriage and family. He absolutely will not hire anyone to take care of the relative because that’s really not what they want.

How and what should I say to him?

[Anonymous]

Oh man. First off, I have yet to have a friend tell me their parent wanted help. Mine were a nightmare.

Hire a case manager-if you can find a good one, from a nursing agency. Let them do the sweet talking about care with the elderly person. A good ones knows how to talk to them in a way to get things moving. Expect resistance. You want to basically get someone in the door and gradually increase.

There are therapists who work with this stuff. Boundaries are so key and he needs to care about the nuclear family. Guilt and all those things come into play, but the nuclear family's needs must come first.

[Anonymous]

If he’s overwhelmed the last thing he needs is for you to tell him to “set boundaries” or figure out how to avoid hurting your marriage or family. Come at him with specific, concrete solutions, not problems/concerns. And you may have to accept that there won’t be any perfect solution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh man. First off, I have yet to have a friend tell me their parent wanted help. Mine were a nightmare.

Hire a case manager-if you can find a good one, from a nursing agency. Let them do the sweet talking about care with the elderly person. A good ones knows how to talk to them in a way to get things moving. Expect resistance. You want to basically get someone in the door and gradually increase.

There are therapists who work with this stuff. Boundaries are so key and he needs to care about the nuclear family. Guilt and all those things come into play, but the nuclear family's needs must come first.

Ease into the care. Start bringing people on 4 hour shifts evening and the weekends for 4 hour shifts.

[Anonymous]

Can you start dropping off meals? Or drop off 4 dinners for the next 4 nights.

Agree that boundaries are key. Your husband is going to burn out and your family will suffer. Open the door anyway you can to start care to basically get someone in the door.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh man. First off, I have yet to have a friend tell me their parent wanted help. Mine were a nightmare.

Hire a case manager-if you can find a good one, from a nursing agency. Let them do the sweet talking about care with the elderly person. A good ones knows how to talk to them in a way to get things moving. Expect resistance. You want to basically get someone in the door and gradually increase.

There are therapists who work with this stuff. Boundaries are so key and he needs to care about the nuclear family. Guilt and all those things come into play, but the nuclear family's needs must come first.

I'd get a counseling appmt for you for strategies to talk to your husband about this.

[Anonymous]

I don’t see how this is affecting you or your kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t see how this is affecting you or your kids?

Read the OP again.

[Anonymous]

Can you help out? Maybe make some extra portions when you cook or make some meals he can take over there so he's not cooking. Bring home the laundry?

[Anonymous]

I’ve been there twice. It’s a part of the cycle of life, and it won’t be forever. You’ll miss them when they are gone, but you’ll feel content that you did everything possible to make them comfortable in their latter days, as you hope your children will support you when it is time.

[Anonymous]

OP should be glad her husband is stepping up to help and isn’t dumping the duties on her. Unlike the DH of the ‘wife won’t pitch in with demented mom” thread. Be grateful OP. Even he were to hire others, that money will come from you guys so he’s actually saving you money.

[Anonymous]

So many glib replies — I wonder how many respondents have actually had to deal with something like this.

You all need a long-term solution here, because this level of care isn’t sustainable for someone with a family of their own to nurture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So many glib replies — I wonder how many respondents have actually had to deal with something like this.

You all need a long-term solution here, because this level of care isn’t sustainable for someone with a family of their own to nurture.

Yes it is. It has been through all of time. Again, it won’t be forever.

Signed, 60 years old and been there twice.

[Anonymous]

We solved it by moving the parent in to our home and bringing in outside care for what ended up being the last 9 months of that parent's life. They moved into our bedroom as it had a small attached bathroom and we moved into our older son’s room and he moved to the basement (if he had been younger, he would have bunked with his brother).

[Anonymous]

BTDT with my MIL who was dying of ALS. She refused all care providers, wouldn't let them in the door. We would have had to go to court to have her deemed mentally unfit in order to get her help (aids, etc) but we didn't want to do that. She refused to move in with us. She was an only child, so no siblings. My SIL didn't have a great relationship with her so it was left to my DH to take care of her. She would only let him in the house. He basically moved in with her, and she lives an ocean away.

It was absolute hell for our family and our marriage. I had a very good relationship with my MIL before she got ill, and I was even the one who first noticed her symptoms and insisted that she had something way more serious than vertigo, etc. My husband basically missed 3 years of our children's lives, our marriage was in the shitter, and I had huge resentment. He left me holding the bag for 100% of our child rearing, house management, everything. we had the money to move her into a facility. We had the money to bring in aids. We offered to have her live her last years in our house. But no, she said she wants to live just in her house, in her country, with her son taking care of her. It was not sustainable.

I hated the fact that my MIL got ALS. It is an awful disease, she had so much more life to live. We miss her terribly. But when it was all over we almost got a divorce. The stress, the resentment and the toll it takes on the family unit sometimes cannot be rebuilt. It took years for my children to get their relationship back with their father.

Good luck OP, I am very sorry you are in this position.