Jealous of friends who will receive inheritances

[Anonymous]

I don't know, man. Money is better than no money, but it's not like they won the lottery. The lost a loved one. It's hard for me to be jealous of a grieving friend. Plus you see threads on here all the time where people are watching their parents' spending ("why does that grandkid get tuition support but not my kids??") or fighting with siblings after the fact about who deserves what, and whether the split is fair ...

There are pluses and minuses. I can't conjure a multimillionaire parent out of thin air so I'll focus on the positives. I'm making my own way, I know what it's like to struggle so I can appreciate my life now with no real struggle, I don't have any friction with my parents or siblings around whether "my" money is being looked after.

[Anonymous]

It’s ok to be envious (who doesn’t want an easier life?) but don’t let it take up too much of your future thoughts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The friends who I thought were on the same playing field as us are suddenly receiving inheritances and it shows. They're using that money to buy investment properties, Peletons or what have you. I hate to admit but I am green with envy. Both DH and I come from poor stock.

If you need an inheritance to buy an exercise bike, you're doing it wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d rather be a silver spooner who makes my own way.

And I am.

Don’t underestimate the value of a familial safety net- it’s huge. I didn’t do anything to earn mine but the only people who say they would NOT want to have financial security in the way of family money are consoling themselves into accepting what they can’t have anyway. Then they act like that’s a superior choice- the choice to not use money they didn’t have.

It’s an interesting phenomenon.

I have a few friends (including a long-time romantic partner) who come from family wealth. On paper seem to 'make their own way' -- and I'm genuinely impressed with how they stay motivated to work despite having more than enough money not to (though often their parents/extended family also sort of make that an unspoken part of the 'bargain'). That said, very few really 'make their own way.' They can take more risks, when something doesn't work out they have a back up, they didn't have debt for undergrad or grad etc. They can do things like take off a month for grad school exams and get plum internships with ease. I don't begrudge it, but they do each have a bit of this similar oblivious personal quality that I never see in other friends who lack this safety net. It's like the higher floor of safety also puts a ceiling on their personal growth/awareness. I don't think its inevitable, but it's common in my experience and they are oblivious to it. That said, if the choice would be to have family money but have this minor personality flaw, I'd definitely take the money. I don't think they notice this quality in themselves which is also an interesting phenomenon.

[Anonymous]

The people I know who come from wealth live amazing full and fulfilling lives. Of course they are human and they have their own personal issues, disappointments, heartbreaks to deal with, but money is responsible for so much of who they are and their attitude about life.

They tend to receive an excellent primary and secondary school education which fosters them with the skills, know how and confidence to succeed at competitive undergraduate schools. In addition, they have the means and knowledge to seek enriching experiences such as study abroad, niche subjects such as art history and broaden their intellectual and personal perspectives. After that they have all the means to travel far and exotic locations while they are young and healthy. If they want to pursue a fulfilling but low paid career such as non-profits, they can do that without sacrificing lifestyle or other indulgences. They also can go away to graduate school for further schooling whenever they want to.

It also helps their personal life. They reach adult milestones at reasonable times in their life. There is not waiting to "save for an engagement ring" and no suffering in a 1 bedroom apartment for years with toddlers because they can't afford a single family home.

Its a sweet life.

[Anonymous]

Be happy with what you have. It’s more than most people in human history.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d rather be a silver spooner who makes my own way.

And I am.

Don’t underestimate the value of a familial safety net- it’s huge. I didn’t do anything to earn mine but the only people who say they would NOT want to have financial security in the way of family money are consoling themselves into accepting what they can’t have anyway. Then they act like that’s a superior choice- the choice to not use money they didn’t have.

It’s an interesting phenomenon.

I have a few friends (including a long-time romantic partner) who come from family wealth. On paper seem to 'make their own way' -- and I'm genuinely impressed with how they stay motivated to work despite having more than enough money not to (though often their parents/extended family also sort of make that an unspoken part of the 'bargain'). That said, very few really 'make their own way.' They can take more risks, when something doesn't work out they have a back up, they didn't have debt for undergrad or grad etc. They can do things like take off a month for grad school exams and get plum internships with ease. I don't begrudge it, but they do each have a bit of this similar oblivious personal quality that I never see in other friends who lack this safety net. It's like the higher floor of safety also puts a ceiling on their personal growth/awareness. I don't think its inevitable, but it's common in my experience and they are oblivious to it. That said, if the choice would be to have family money but have this minor personality flaw, I'd definitely take the money. I don't think they notice this quality in themselves which is also an interesting phenomenon.

I've seen this too and a certain lack of resilience. My office mate in biglaw had his parents buy him a condo in NYC and otherwise gave him financial support but he just wasn't cut out for working the long hours biglaw requires and he was fired within a year. Nice guy, just wasn't willing to put in the hours and maybe he didn't need to due to family support. I have a co-worker now that also gets family money and, I wouldn't use the word "entitled" per se, but he has an expectation of a certain lifestyle that isn't supportable on his salary and he seems somewhat surprised he is unable to do all that he does without family support. Like, he just doesn't understand the value of money, it's kinda odd.

I'm not sure I would make the trade but maybe that's because my needs are fairly simple and I really don't think family support or an inheritance would change anything. There's just nothing else I really want/need that I would use the money for.

[Anonymous]

I inherited a lot. I am jealous you have your parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I inherited a lot. I am jealous you have your parents.

You haven't met my parents!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The friends who I thought were on the same playing field as us are suddenly receiving inheritances and it shows. They're using that money to buy investment properties, Peletons or what have you. I hate to admit but I am green with envy. Both DH and I come from poor stock.

To make you feel better OP, I am an immigrant and have a very poor family (mother, stepfather, grandmother, grandfather and a 32 year old brother) who constantly ask me to wire them money. They are always struggling and think I am rich because I live in USA. It is very hard. I do not need any inheritance ( and obviously will never get any). All I want is to be left along!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I inherited a lot. I am jealous you have your parents.

+1

Me too. It's bittersweet to inherit your parents' wealth. I wish they were able to spend more of it before they passed it on.

[Anonymous]

I hear you, OP. We're not jealous per se - I experienced poverty growing up and am very thankful to be where I am in life. But the lifestyle difference has definitely distanced us from them.

I am hesitant to invite them into our modest home - theirs cost twice as much and is furnished with antiques, while we have old mismatched furniture that's decades old and are buying new furniture one piece at a time. They vacation at family properties in upscale locations, and occasionally invite us along - but we know we will never be able to return the invite.Their kids will be going to elite private schools and ours are public school-bound.

Not saying we can't be friends, but they are on a different path in spite of earning similar money and it's hard to ignore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:that's not your life. why jealous? live you own.

This. Take inventory of your own life and actions. Don't take someone else's inventory.

+1 your life is harder than some people, and easier than others. Like everyone. Move on.

[Anonymous]

I come from a family with a decent amount of wealth (I have inherited several million already and could potentially inherit up to several million more). My husband came from a family where the parents paid for college but nothing more really. He says he'd rather be from his family, after seeing how managing the family assets (not all of it is liquid which makes things harder) affects family dynamics. Not sure I agree - I find having several million in the bank very comforting though I agree the family dynamics aspects sucks.

I think probably the best situation for family dynamics and self motivation to still have a career is when parents can pay for college, wedding, down payment, equally for all kids, but not much more. Agree that no college debt and the ability to get into the housing market is a huge advantage. It can help someone build wealth further.

[Anonymous]

Do you mean actual inheritances or gift checks? Are their parents catching Coronavirus and dropping like flies?