First time parents and husband is horrible

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’ll be okay, OP! I was the one who didn’t bond well with my kids when they were babies, and I had 4 of them (2 twins). Seriously, some people aren’t into infants and can’t handle the aspect of them not “making sense” (why are they crying?! what do they want from me?!).

Please be patient. My kids are all grown up now, we’re tightly bonded, and I picked up the slack when they were teens. Okay, I really did begin understanding babies more when they were 6 months or so, but it’s not in my nature to attach to infants. I don’t know why it is. There’s was no long-term harm done, at least if you ask my kids.

This is all new, and I can’t even imagine what it’s like to be parenting during quarantine. Hugs to you all!

Thank you. Did you have PPD/PPA? Or maybe just not enjoying newborns in general (which I totally understand)? How long did it take for the feelings to pass and what did your partner think?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Deal with it during the quarantine but then leave him when this is over. He seems like a total ass. Why did you marry such a POS?

Well, how was I to know how he would be as a parent?

What was he like as a husband?

Awesome- and he was very supportive of my pregnancy- late night food runs, all the MD appts (except the weekly stuff). But he had no experience with babies or kids, ever. Just seen in passing, really. Though, I’ll be honest that I think being a husband and being a parent are really different roles.

No I mean generally as a partner.

He’s a good partner- a lot of fun, pretty good with household stuff, takes good care of our pets, regular sex, good listener.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I'm sorry. Yes, this is common.

How were you guys pre-baby?

Could you just ask him what's going on?

Like, hey, you doing ok adjusting to all this? You gotta do it when you're not mad at him or fighting. Bring curiosity to the question, not anger.

Also, I've seen this book recommended in other threads, though I have not read it myself.

https://www.amazon.com/Hate-Your-Husband-After-Kids/dp/0316267104

We have had a few discussions. He says he feels lost in his role (my family was over a lot enjoying the baby and taking care of it so we can rest before this quarantine business- almost everyday; I LOOOOOVE the help but even for me sometimes their presence was overbearing). He admitted that he definitely didn’t bond with her immediately and felt guilty, but couldn’t help what he felt...he said it’s hard for him to bond to something that he just met, whereas I got to bond with her for 9 months in my belly...it sucks to hear but I appreciate his honesty and I can’t blame him for feeling that way.

Oh that's normal. And much harder for many guys early on. She'll smile and start recognizing him in just a couple weeks and then it'll be easier. Do give him the baby and go shower or whatever. Have him change diapers etc.
my dh took a month of leave to be with the baby solo when I went back to work at 4.5 months and it was a game changer for him. He had to do it all himself and learn her cues. We have a second baby now and she smiles ear to ear when he enters the room and holds her. He's great at making her giggle and pretty much uses her a kettle bell and exercises with her etc. it will be ok. Good for him for admitting he's a little lost with the baby.

[Anonymous]

Op my advice is to start small with a daily 'assignment' such as having him hold the baby so you can drink coffee, or eat a meal, or watch your child when you shower.

No need to talk about who is bonding or not or how he never spends time with the baby IMO. Just start a new daily time for the 2 of them. Compliment him on how well he is handling your child.

If the baby cries when s/he is with your DH, make sure to let your DH know that -- that is what babies do!

Good luck OP. This is gonna work out!

[Anonymous]

My advice is to give him one thing that His Thing. For us it was baths. Only DH ever bathes the kids (the oldest is 7 years lol). He learned to do it; he was in charge; he knew how. It is great bonding and it gave him an area of expertise, which is important so he doesn’t feel like an intern with his own baby.

[Anonymous]

My advice is skin to skin.

Also watch Babies on Netflix. Surprisingly fathers experience similar level of oxytocin when with baby just like Mom. For some it could be overwhelming, a new sensation, etc. Let them nap together (supervised).

Tasks are great but cursory. He needs to bond.

[Anonymous]

Both my husband and I don’t enjoy the baby stage until about 6 months, and at that point he proactively spends more time with them. But before that age he loves to take them on long walks. He already takes long walks and knows it really helps me out to get a break, which is why he loves it. It can be really hard to bond with newborns.

[Anonymous]

Could he possibly have aspergers?

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he's less a jerk (at least on purpose) and more unsure of what to do/what his role is. Between you doing a lot of it because you're mom and family helping out, he probably just feels lost.

Give him specific things to do with her. once he gets more comfortable he will be better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’ll be okay, OP! I was the one who didn’t bond well with my kids when they were babies, and I had 4 of them (2 twins). Seriously, some people aren’t into infants and can’t handle the aspect of them not “making sense” (why are they crying?! what do they want from me?!).

Please be patient. My kids are all grown up now, we’re tightly bonded, and I picked up the slack when they were teens. Okay, I really did begin understanding babies more when they were 6 months or so, but it’s not in my nature to attach to infants. I don’t know why it is. There’s was no long-term harm done, at least if you ask my kids.

This is all new, and I can’t even imagine what it’s like to be parenting during quarantine. Hugs to you all!

Thank you. Did you have PPD/PPA? Or maybe just not enjoying newborns in general (which I totally understand)? How long did it take for the feelings to pass and what did your partner think?

I might have had a little PPD with my twins, but not with my oldest, and not with my youngest. I just don’t enjoy newborns. On the other hand, I truly enjoy the teen years, which seems to make me an outlier among my peers! The feelings passed by the time the babies were 6 months or so. My DH was then and has always been an amazing partner (much as you describe your DH to be), and he took up the slack when I felt unable to handle things. I’m lucky that he’s genuinely great with infants. As a matter of fact, he allowed me to sleep in a separate room most nights when our babies were little, and he slept with them—sometimes on his chest.

Our kids are now in their early to late twenties, and my DH & I have spoken many times over the years about our early reactions to our children. It’s clear that he and I are exceedingly different, but over time, we proved equally supportive of each other. When I needed him to take over in the early years, he was there, and I stepped up when he couldn’t tolerate the teen attitudes and intense communication periods. He excels at caretaking, and I excel at minutiae.

Based on your description, your DH is a good man who will definitely step up as soon as he can. You guys have got this!

[Anonymous]

During the first three months all my husband really did was bring me our daughter and change a few diapers. He's a fantastic dad now. Don't judge by early infancy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I'm sorry. Yes, this is common.

How were you guys pre-baby?

Could you just ask him what's going on?

Like, hey, you doing ok adjusting to all this? You gotta do it when you're not mad at him or fighting. Bring curiosity to the question, not anger.

Also, I've seen this book recommended in other threads, though I have not read it myself.

https://www.amazon.com/Hate-Your-Husband-After-Kids/dp/0316267104

We have had a few discussions. He says he feels lost in his role (my family was over a lot enjoying the baby and taking care of it so we can rest before this quarantine business- almost everyday; I LOOOOOVE the help but even for me sometimes their presence was overbearing). He admitted that he definitely didn’t bond with her immediately and felt guilty, but couldn’t help what he felt...he said it’s hard for him to bond to something that he just met, whereas I got to bond with her for 9 months in my belly...it sucks to hear but I appreciate his honesty and I can’t blame him for feeling that way.

Give him a break. Some moms don't bond with their babies right away either. At three months they become more interactive, so that can help. But he's being honest with how he feels, so don't slam him for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I'm sorry. Yes, this is common.

How were you guys pre-baby?

Could you just ask him what's going on?

Like, hey, you doing ok adjusting to all this? You gotta do it when you're not mad at him or fighting. Bring curiosity to the question, not anger.

Also, I've seen this book recommended in other threads, though I have not read it myself.

https://www.amazon.com/Hate-Your-Husband-After-Kids/dp/0316267104

We have had a few discussions. He says he feels lost in his role (my family was over a lot enjoying the baby and taking care of it so we can rest before this quarantine business- almost everyday; I LOOOOOVE the help but even for me sometimes their presence was overbearing). He admitted that he definitely didn’t bond with her immediately and felt guilty, but couldn’t help what he felt...he said it’s hard for him to bond to something that he just met, whereas I got to bond with her for 9 months in my belly...it sucks to hear but I appreciate his honesty and I can’t blame him for feeling that way.

Give him a break. Some moms don't bond with their babies right away either. At three months they become more interactive, so that can help. But he's being honest with how he feels, so don't slam him for that.

+1

If you have another, lay off on your family being over EVERY DAY. He didn’t have a chance to bond with your baby. Not blaming, but...you and your family played a part and you need to own that, instead of being upset now. Have him do a family feeing, or daily bath, or daily something. It will come in time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I'm sorry. Yes, this is common.

How were you guys pre-baby?

Could you just ask him what's going on?

Like, hey, you doing ok adjusting to all this? You gotta do it when you're not mad at him or fighting. Bring curiosity to the question, not anger.

Also, I've seen this book recommended in other threads, though I have not read it myself.

https://www.amazon.com/Hate-Your-Husband-After-Kids/dp/0316267104

We have had a few discussions. He says he feels lost in his role (my family was over a lot enjoying the baby and taking care of it so we can rest before this quarantine business- almost everyday; I LOOOOOVE the help but even for me sometimes their presence was overbearing). He admitted that he definitely didn’t bond with her immediately and felt guilty, but couldn’t help what he felt...he said it’s hard for him to bond to something that he just met, whereas I got to bond with her for 9 months in my belly...it sucks to hear but I appreciate his honesty and I can’t blame him for feeling that way.

I’m a mom but not much of a baby person, especially little babies who can’t do anything. I was always mystified by the old ladies who wanted to smell my babies’ hair and stuff like that. But I got more in the swing of things as they got older. Don’t panic that he is never going to bond with the kid. DO make sure he is doing his share of the work and the fun times with baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I'm sorry. Yes, this is common.

How were you guys pre-baby?

Could you just ask him what's going on?

Like, hey, you doing ok adjusting to all this? You gotta do it when you're not mad at him or fighting. Bring curiosity to the question, not anger.

Also, I've seen this book recommended in other threads, though I have not read it myself.

https://www.amazon.com/Hate-Your-Husband-After-Kids/dp/0316267104

Dp.. I just clicked on that link and read a couple of the reviews. Per one reviewer, the author basically says this...

"It sucks, but as the mom and woman, you are going to have to do all the heavy lifting because the man ain't gonna change, and what's the alternative? Divorce."

I don't think we need to pay $ for a book to tell us that gem of an advice. But, I guess it's helpful to know that you are not alone.